Dating coach Connell Barrett answers the questions, “Should I give up on love?” and “Why do women ghost me when we start texting?”
Should I Give Up On Love
Connell, I recently concluded that, now that I’m 50, I have failed in my love life. I have never had a relationship. I truly yearn to find love, but I have wasted 35 years and also wasted thousands of dollars on therapy, coaches, and matchmakers. Nothing has worked. I’m done. I no longer want to be a failure. I struggle with loneliness. I would like to know how I can reduce the suffering because I want to move on with my life.
—Sincerely Stuck
Hey, Sincerely—my heart breaks for good men like you who struggle to find the love of a wonderful woman. Life is meant to be shared with someone special. You should not have to be lonely.
I went through similar struggles. I was largely dateless deep into my 30s. I was lonely. I remember the night I almost gave up on looking for love. I was in Miami attending a 10-day dating “boot-camp” with my coach at the time. I’d gone out for nine straight nights in South Beach, and I struggled mightily. Rejections. Anxiety. Self-judgment. Watching other guys succeed while I failed.
I wasn’t just “in my head”—I was renting a timeshare up there.
After one tough night, I was so frustrated that when I got back to my hotel, I repeatedly banged my head against the elevator wall. Thunk, thunk, thunk! (The wall won.)
On the final Saturday of the program, I told my coach, “I’m done. I’m flying home to New York. Women don’t like me. I quit.”
“Don’t give up!” he replied. “You may not realize what a great catch you are. Don’t stop now! You’re close to a breakthrough. Come out tonight and let’s work on it.” I decided to give it another try.
That night at the Fontainebleau hotel, in the final hours of the 10-day program, it happened. A breakthrough. My “Aha!” moment, at least in terms of approaching. I made some adjustments in how I was talking to women. And in the hotel’s lobby bar, it all came together. I got three numbers from three different women in less than 60 minutes. Then, I met and clicked with Jackie, a bright, witty graduate student. We had instant chemistry, and spent the rest of the night together.
It was a win I desperately needed. It gave me the hope and momentum to keep going out to socialize. Two months later on a rooftop lounge in New York, I met Carrie, an architect who I began dating and would soon fall for.
If I had quit that day in Miami, it would have cost me the love of my life.
If you quit now, it may cost you the love of your life. I believe she’s out there, if you don’t give up and stay resilient.
You say that you’re done with love, but love isn’t done with you. We all need love. If you give up on finding love, you’re giving up on something that makes life worth living. Sure, you can quit, but that yearning for love won’t stop. It’s wired into you.
I don’t know you personally, but I do know men. I believe that any good-hearted guy can fix his dating problems and find love, if he stays resourceful and keeps trying new things. You may be one tweak or one date away from having your breakthrough. It only takes one woman to change your life. That moment will make all of your reasons to give up on love melt away.
There’s a famous quote from The Sun Also Rises: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”
Dating has broken you. I felt broken, too. I felt like a failure who wasn’t enough to find an amazing partner. But I now see that I wasn’t a failure. I was a hero being tested on a journey. The foes I vanquished (self-doubt and anxiety) helped me build a cathedral of confidence that I have to this day. I got stronger because of the problems, not in spite of them.
So, when you are wondering, “Should I give up on love,” remember this: You are not a failure, unless you give up. So don’t give up! Be a hero. Be a man of action who wants something wonderful (love!) and who keeps pursuing it, with resilience and heart. You won’t only find love. You’ll also emerge on the other side as a better man, stronger at the broken places.
Why Do Women Ghost Me the Second We Start Texting?
I’m a 33-year-old high school math teacher. I want marriage and a family! On the apps, I’m respectful and positive! I ask about her day. A lot of women give me their numbers, but once we start texting, they disappear! I don’t send dick pics or anything. I’m just trying to be a good guy, but I get ghosted all the time! Am I doing something wrong!?
—LEFT ON READ
Speaking of math, I count five exclamation points in your question. I found your texting problem: You’re coming in hotter than a Golden Retriever who got into the Red Bull.
Imagine if my reply started this way: “Great question! How are you?! Here’s my answer!” You’d bounce in seconds, right? The same thing is happening with women from the apps.
I know how frustrating it feels to think you’re doing everything right and you still get ghosted. I’ve been there. Back when I was learning how to text, I saw more ghosts than Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
But here’s the equation you’re missing, Mr. Math Teacher: Too much enthusiasm ÷ Zero playfulness = Instant ghosting.
You’re coming across like a guy who needs a date, not a confident man having a light, fun interaction. That’s not flirting. It’s emotional spam. (“Last Chance to Meet Me—Offer Ends Today!”) And it pushes women away.
As a dating coach of 14 years, I can tell you that men in highly logical careers (math, engineering, computer science) tend to struggle with messaging women.
You can solve for X all day long, but solving for “sexy banter”? That’s harder than advanced calculus. Logic and facts come easily to guys like you, but logic is the opposite of flirting. Good texting requires a different kind of math.
Not knowing what to write, many men overcorrect by being extra upbeat, which reads to women as too eager, maybe even desperate. Or guys ask clichéd questions (“How’s your day?”) that women find fatiguing.
The good news? You can get better at messaging women. My four-part texting philosophy is super simple. Here it is:
Play, Play, Play, Pull the Trigger!
Most of your text messages should be playful. Give a playful compliment, tell a playful joke, or make a playful observation. Do this and you’ll get playful responses right back. And after some banter, you “pull the trigger” and ask her out.
Why does this work? Because texting is flirting, and flirting is—at its core—playing.
The dictionary defines flirting as “playing at love.” In the courtship phase of dating, that’s what most of your texts should be. Playful. So…
DON’T WRITE: “I see you play piano? Cool! How long have you been into it?”
DO WRITE: “I see you play piano? Cool… OK, what song would you play to wow the judges on ‘America’s Got Talent’?”
Notice the difference? The first text asks an informational question, while the second question has emotion and a “what if” sense of play.
Playfulness signals ease, confidence, and zero desperation. It shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously and that meeting you might be fun. And women hate, hate, hate boring dates. A light vibe tells them, “He may not be Mr. Right, but he won’t be Mr. Boring.”
And that gets you dates.
When it comes to applying this philosophy, ask yourself: “How can I make this message fun?” There are many ways.
You could share a playful compliment: “You run marathons? That’s so impressive… Should I start training now, or can I just drive alongside you with snacks and encouragement?”
You could make a playful observation: “So you’re a teacher + a horror movie fan. Let me guess—you read Stephen King novels to your students to terrify them? 😂”
You could give her a playful quiz: “Pop quiz, pizza lover: Thin crust or deep dish? Careful… there’s only ONE right answer. 😉”
Aim to exchange a total of five to 10 playful texts with her, then ask her out.
Think of it this way: You wouldn’t teach your students algebra by just showing them the answer—you’d make it engaging, even fun. The same principle applies here.
When it’s time to pull the trigger, you can keep things playful. This text might appeal to you, Left on Read:
Here’s a quick math problem: (Handsome Teacher) + (Stylish, Charming Woman) + [Her Phone Number] = Friday Night Tapas
Can you help me balance this equation? 😉
Now, I’m a movie nerd, so I like to think of texting as the trailer, and the date as the feature film. If the coming attractions are flat, she won’t want to see the movie—and you’ll get ghosted.
But when your texts are fun, she’ll want a front-row seat.
You may be thinking, “But I’m not naturally playful!” I beg to differ. You were a kid once. You played games. You teased. That inner child is still in there. Tap into that.
Remember: Play, Play, Play, Pull the Trigger! Keep most texts light and fun, then ask her out.
Just make sure you’re being authentic, because that’s your most attractive self. That’s who the right woman will fall for.
Here’s the formula that will solve your ghosting problem.
Authentic You + Playful Texting = Lots of Great Dates
You’re about to become more than just a “good guy,” Left on Read. You’re going to become magnetic to a lot more women.
Dating coach for men, Connell Barrett, has helped men all of the world find the women of their dreams. Connell has appeared on Access Hollywood, The Today Show, and more. Listen to his podcast, How To Get A Girlfriend here. You can order his book, Dating Sucks But You Don’t for dating advice, or book a call with Connell below.
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