How To Create Chemistry: 9 Simple Moves to Escape the ‘Friend Zone’ and Make Sparks Fly on Your Next Date

How To Approach Women

How To Get A Girlfriend

How To Go From Dating To Relationship

In this article, dating coach for men Connell Barrett shows you how to go from dating to relationship and how to determine if she's "the one."

My client Richard (Higher Self name: “Slick Rick”) had solved his biggest problem: not knowing how to talk to women. Now, he wanted more. He wanted a great girlfriend.

A real estate investor of Indian ancestry, Richard had only had one girlfriend by the time he reached his thirties. “In Indian families, you’re encouraged not to date,” he said. “You’re taught to focus on studies and career and somehow you’ll just magically get married. I never learned what women are like and how to flirt, and all these walls went up. I felt dysfunctional.”

Working with me, Richard razed those walls and found himself dating a few women at the same time. But having a “roster” didn’t fulfill him. He sought a relationship, preferably with Sarah, a kind, confident healthcare worker he’d had a couple of great dates with. But he wasn’t sure how to go about it.

“I was like, do you just ask? Or do I wait for her to bring it up? I wasn’t sure.”

How To Go From Dating To Relationship

I advised him to shift from Dating Mode to the Boyfriend Experience. That is, show the woman what a relationship with you would feel like. Basically, fake it till you make it . . . official.

Instead of going out for drinks and dinners, which they’d already done, Richard asked Sarah to pick out clothes with him at Urban Outfitters, attend yoga class together, and shop at Whole Foods. He introduced her to his friends and coworkers. He booked her for weekly dates. And soon she was reciprocating, asking him to join her and her girlfriends for brunch. “We both just clicked into these roles and it felt so natural,” he said.

Richard asked Sarah to date exclusively, and she said yes. Eight months later, while vacationing together in San Francisco, he dropped to one knee and proposed—in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge, no less. Another yes!

When you’ve found The One—or at least, the one you want to be your girlfriend—it helps to have a plan. In this chapter, I’ll give you the playbook to landing a great relationship. And I’ll share the three questions to ask your- self to make sure that she’s really the right woman for you.

Settle for More

When you enter a relationship, it will fall into one of four categories, depending on where you are in your search for love. Here they are, from worst to first.

Wrong Person, Wrong Time: This is when she’s not a good fit for you, and you don’t even want a relationship. But dating sucks, and you don’t want to be alone, so you relent. The ultimate in settling.

Wrong Person, Right Time: You’re ready to commit to someone, but you have a scarcity of options, so you settle for what you can get. This is most men, I believe.

Right Person, Wrong Time: You weren’t looking for romance, but how could you not lock her down? She’s awesome.

Right Person, Right Time: Brains, beauty, kind—the whole package.

If she turns you into a human heart–eyed emoji, and you’re ready to dive in. This is the ideal.

As men, deep down we all want true love, but we tend to settle for something comfortable and convenient. Something “good enough.” But when you settle, you miss out on finding the right person.

Don’t settle for “good enough.” This is too important. It’s your love life. Raise your standards and go after a truly great relationship with a quality woman who’s right for you.

3 Important To Questions To Ask Before Persuing The Relationship

If you feel like she might be the right person at the right time, you need to ask yourself three important questions before pursuing a relationship with her. There's no dating to relationship timeline. The most important thing to determine is your long-term compatibility.

1. Do we “just fit”?

Do your souls dovetail? Listen to your gut.

2. Does your Big Life Stuff align?

Are you compatible in areas such as core values, wanting a family, religious views, political beliefs, and cultural backgrounds? Granted, you may only want a girlfriend right now, not a wife, but a great relationship should have strong long-term potential. You may have stuff in common but to make it work long-term, you need most of your Big Life Stuff to align.

3. Will We Grow Together?

Can you see the two of you growing together, complementing one another? Because if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. There’s no in-between.

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, there’s a chance you’re not with the right person. You may be settling. Remember, you’re a Radically Authentic guy with an abundance of dating options. Never settle.

If you answered “yes” to all three questions, then it’s time to give her the Boyfriend Experience.

Seven Ways To Make Her Your Partner

Build Trust

Virtually all women want to trust their man. She likely won’t become your girlfriend unless she can trust you. Communicate openly, be vulnerable, listen, be consistent in your actions, admit your mistakes, and always tell the truth.

Bring Her Into Your Social Circle

I met my future girlfriend Diana in a bookstore’s self-help section. Like many women of Asian heritage, she’s beautiful, but her bravery and sense of adventure is what wowed me: She’d just moved halfway around the world to start a new career in the U.S.

I wanted her to be my girlfriend, so for our second date, I invited her to sit in with my pub-trivia team, Trivia Newton-John. Why? Because pub trivia is awesome. (Fun fact: Blood donors in Sweden are sent a text when their blood is used.) Also, I wanted her to meet my nerdy friends and get a feel for what being my partner would be like. We were soon dating exclusively.

Introduce your potential girlfriend to your pals, coworkers, or even members of your family. Don’t have much of a social circle? Get on that! If you want to invite a woman into your awesome life, you must have an awesome life into which to invite her.

Do Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stuff

After a few “regular” dates, have her, say, help you pick out new jeans, join you at the gym, or go grocery shopping (followed by you whipping her up a delicious dinner, of course). Bonus: This breaks up the predictable, let’s-do-drinks model of dating and gives her some romantic variety.

“Man Up” to Make Her Feel Safe

Women tend to want to date guys who make them feel safe. This makes sense. Evolution selected men to be protectors. Unlike your Homo sapiens ancestors, you don’t need to spear a saber-tooth tiger to impress your partner. Just do some (nontoxic) manly stuff to give her that sense of safety. Such as...

Be fit. Women like muscles.

Catch the mouse or relocate the spider.

Start a campfire.

Change her tire.

Drive stick.

Be the one to lock the front door before bed.

Offer her your coat.

Place both hands on either side of her when she leans on a wall.

Assertively state date plans (“We’re doing dinner Friday at eight at that Italian place you like.”)

Carry her to the bedroom.

Oh, and fix stuff around the house. I’m no Bob Vila, but I once changed a date’s light fixture and before I was off the stepladder she was dragging me into her bedroom.

Show Her Your Generous Side

Be a good tipper—women notice that. And letting her know (in an unboastful way) about your charitable pursuits can be powerful, as Richard learned. “Volunteer work is important to me,” he said. “I donate to fight animal cruelty, and I work with the Ronald McDonald House [to help sick children]. I’d mention this to women and they’d turn to putty. Women really do like nice guys.”

Schedule at Least One Date Weekly

The more often you see her, the more it feels like a real relationship.

Pop the Question!

After dating this way for a month or two, it’s time to make your coupledom official. Plan ahead. Make it a moment. Choose the right place and time to “pop the question”—say, during a relaxing day in the park, not in some loud bar.

Be sincere. Speak from the heart. Tell her how much you enjoy her and what she’s added to your life. (Should you use the L-word? Maybe! If you feel it, say it. If you don’t, that can come later.) Say something like, “I’m crazy about you, and the way you [specific thing you love]. I don’t want to date anyone else. I want to be your boyfriend. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

If she says yes, celebrate, laugh, kiss, and rip each other’s clothes off. (If you’re in a park, wait till you get home for that last part.)

In the event she says no, it will sting. But listen. What are her reasons? Does she need more time? No matter what she says, be proud that you went for it.

The Path To Fulfillment

When I struggled with women and started learning how to date, I thought that having a “rotation” would make me happy. It didn’t—not for long, anyway. I’m cool with dating around for a while, but sex without love and true connection is just candy for the ego. There’s a sugar rush but no real nourishment.

Dating to gratify your ego won’t fulfill you because it’s all about you. Romantic fulfillment comes from growing with, and giving to, a wonderful partner.

(excerpts from Dating Sucks But You Don't)

Read more about how to approach women and how to go from dating to relationship in Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Book a free call with Connell here.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. He's appeared on The Today Show, Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and more. Listen to Connell's podcast on how to get a girlfriend, and book a free discovery call to see how he can help you.

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Dating Openers and Conversation Starters for Guys

Dating coach Connell Barrett gives examples of dating openers and conversation starters for guys.

Dating Openers

Connell, once I’m in a conversation with a woman, I’m good! But it’s that first “approach” that just gets me so shoved in my head. I see cute girls everywhere–at the gym, at the bar, or a party—and I just freeze up. What do I say? And how do I avoid coming across like some kind of creep who’s bothering her?

—Ross D., White Plains, N.Y.

I feel your pain, Ross. The hardest part for me back in the day wasn’t talking with women. It was confidently knowing what to say to start a good interaction.

Let’s discuss the art of opening conversations with women.

Know this: When you open a conversation, it’s not as much what you say as how you say it. You need full commitment. An opener that tanks on Tinder (“Hi, how are you?”) can work great in person (that is, if you fully commit). Why? Because IRL she experiences all of your behavioral cues.

Your opener does not have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

“Hi.”

“You have great style.”

“How’s your night going?”

“I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.”

“What book are you reading?”

“Is this the coolest club around here?”

“Whoa, this line is long.”

“I’m sorry for your loss—but this is a really nice funeral.”

OK, that last one was a joke, but not the others.

When it comes to those opening words, sure, it’s a nice bonus if you’re clever or witty, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

My client Oscar was having a drink with friends at a Miami lounge when he saw Anastasia, a tall, intelligent pharmaceutical rep. He approached her, they liked each other, and later left the bar together.

The next day, his impressed (and envious) buddy asked Oscar what he said to Anastasia. What amazing opener did he use on her? Oscar explained, “I just said, ‘Damn, who are you?’ My vibe was, ‘I’m into you. You into me? Cool. Let’s get outta here.’ I’m a man, and she’s a woman. Why would it not be like that?”

Oscar used what’s called a direct opener. Every opener falls into one of two categories: direct and indirect.

Direct Dating Openers

“Going direct” means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers:

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.

You’re absolutely adorable.

Wow. You’re gorgeous. Who are you?

I’m here to flirt with you.

You’re sexy.

Upside: There’s no chance of the friend zone. Whether or not she’s attracted to you, she’ll know why you’re talking to her. Lots of women love direct men, so it can ignite instant interest, like when I approached Brie. And it can feel freeing to shed weighty expectations and just be real with women from the start.

Downside: It’s a polarizing technique, so plenty of women will reject you right away. If she’s not available or just not in the mood, she’ll hold up a big, fat stop sign. Either sparks will fly or she will—as she walks away.

Quick Tip: Directness is not a license to be vulgar. If you go direct, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.

Indirect Openers

“Going indirect” means that you don’t explicitly state romantic interest upfront. You might make small talk or give her a compliment that’s more friendly than flirty. You don’t hide your intentions; you just don’t lead with them. Here are some indirect openers.

How’s your night going?

I dig your boots/jacket/style.

Isn’t this song great?

How’s that book you’re reading?

Your hair looks amazing.

Upside: It opens the door to a lot more conversations since you don’t get as many blowouts. This helps you gain experience, build confidence, and talk to more women, which gives you more dating opportunities. In terms of starting interactions, going indirect gives you a much higher batting average.

Downside: Because the context is initially more Friend-to-Friend, some men get stuck in the “friendly guy” mode, which hurts their chances of creating a romantic spark. If you open in this way, you still need to flirt and be M-W fairly soon.

Quick Tip: After you open, within a minute or two, start to pepper the conversation with a flirty comment or two, such as . . .

“Wow, you have a sexy laugh. Anyway . . .”

“What do you do, when you’re not making handsome men flirt with you?”

“No way, you’re into [hobby]? You’re not just pretty. You’re actually cool.”

Which Opening Style Should You Use?

Try both, see what feels most like you, and go with what women enjoy the most.

So, She's Talking To You...Now What?

So, you've used a dating opener, either direct or indirect, and now you're looking to keep the conversation going. It’s simple: Keep the conversation about you and her. (See Chapter 8 from Dating Sucks But You Don't, on great first dates.)

Now, if you used an indirect opener, you can talk for a bit about the icebreaker topic—say, the book she’s reading or boots she’s wearing. Then change subjects. A simple way to do that is to introduce yourself and shake hands. This lets you bridge to the next topic.

After a direct opener—such as “I had to meet you”—you have a couple of options. You can literally say whatever enters your mind, like complimenting her hair. Or, you can introduce yourself.

It’s fine to ask questions, but try to make them open-ended, rather than yes-or-no. And don’t forget Step 2 from my book: Offer Authentic Value. Talk about you. Make statements. Some guys interrogate women while sharing nothing about themselves. That won’t work.

And Now For The Play-By-Play

Here’s a conversation I had with Nicole, a woman I approached on a cold January day in a grocery store. (My director’s commentary is in parenthesis.)

ME: Excuse me, miss. You look like the cover of J.Crew’s winter catalog. Super cute. (She was bundled up in a pink scarf and fuzzy white hat. This is a direct opener.)

NICOLE: [smiling] Oh, hi, thanks. I got the scarf for Christmas.

ME: Nice. How was your holiday? Get anything good? (That may sound like a boring question, but after a direct opener, you don’t need to do much. Normal, relatable chitchat is better than forcing funny lines.)

NICOLE: My mom gave me a spa treatment and a bunch of gift certificates.

ME: My dad hates gift cards. He’s such a Scrooge. But I’m the youngest of six, so I always get what I want. (I’ve offered info about me after asking about her. You want a balance.) I’m Connell, by the way. It’s a pleasure.

NICOLE: I’m Nicole! Nice to meet you. (Always introduce yourself.)

ME: So what do you do? Wait, let me guess. I’m gonna say you work in fashion. (It’s fun to try to guess what a woman’s job is. Games are fun!)

NICOLE: Not even close. I do social media for [company name], but we sometimes work with fashion brands. What do you do?

ME: I’m a magazine journalist. I write about golf. (I make a golf-swing motion. Using hand gestures can make you appear more charismatic.)

NICOLE: My dad loves golf! I’m not that into it, but I love to drive the cart.

ME: Just my luck. Pretty girls like you never play golf. It’s always the dads. (“Pretty girls like you” is another M-W statement. I’ve done more than enough to keep things flirty. We talk about salad for the next two minutes. Then, it’s time to go for a date! I still get nervous at this part, but I just go for it.)

ME: I have to go in a second, but I’m really glad we met. You’re really cool—even though you hate golf. (Just a little tease.)

NICOLE: It was nice meeting you, too.
ME: It would be nice to meet up when we’re not shopping.
NICOLE: Yes, I’d like that.
ME: How about a drink this week? What night is good for you? (Try to arrange the date during the interaction. Getting it on her calendar right away cuts down on ghosting and flaking because people like to be consistent with their commitments.)

NICOLE: I can do Wednesday or Thursday night?

ME: I’m free Thursday. Let’s do eight. Are you more into cocktail lounges or dive bars?

NICOLE: Hmm. I like both, but I’m down with cocktails.

ME: Okay, I’ll find a good spot and I’ll text you. What’s your number? (I take her number and stay for another minute. Why do I stay? If you bolt right away, she might feel that it was just about getting her number, like it’s a trophy. Hang in for another minute and talk about anything: the weather, spelunking, the Spanish Civil War. Don’t be a phone-number bandit!) Hey, it was great meeting you. I can’t wait till Thursday.

NICOLE: Thanks! You, too. I mean, me too! [laughs]. (She’s nervous and flustered. So dang cute.)

ME: You’re adorable. Bye.

When you get a woman’s number, send her a sweet text message the same day. (No need to wait or “play it cool.”) This solidifies the date, if you made one, and puts a smile on her face. That night I texted her: “Nice meeting you, J. Crew model, aka Nicole . . . I’ll text you deets for Thurs. 😉 —Connell”

Okay, let’s review this interaction through the lens of the Five Master Steps introduced in my book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Before I met her that day, I had been opening often, which put me in a social, outgoing mood. By opening directly and being me, I offered authentic value, which helped me make a connection right away. I decided to go for it and ask for a date. And in terms of appreciating something great, I was happy with my dating opener—and of course, landing a date.

Connell Barrett is an NYC dating coach, helping men all over the world find the women of their dreams. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to connect with women authentically. Additionally, he hosts a podcast on how to get a girlfriend. He's appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a free intro call with Connell here.

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Top 7 Advanced Techniques On How To Get A Date With A Girl When The Odds Seem Stacked Against You

Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals his top 7 “advanced ninja dating moves” to help you figure out how to get a date with a girl when the situation seems doomed. This'll help you start thinking about how to turn situations around in your favor.

How To Get A Date With A Girl Who Is Casually Dating Already

Hey, Connell. Your book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” helped me so much! I’ve destroyed approach anxiety, and I now have an abundance of dating options—and I’m doing it as the real me. I don’t even bother with cheesy “pickup” tactics.

My question? I feel I’ve developed to the point where I’d love some more advanced moves. Like, how do you approach groups? What do you do if a girl is into you, and her date shows up? And I’m also interested in sex-positive poly relationships and having a threesome. Got any advanced moves?

—J.J., 31, New York City

J.J., let me answer your question with a quick story about Katie.

I saw her in the grocery store. She was holding a yoga mat, and I noticed a pack of Camels peeking from her jean-jacket pocket. I walked up and said, “Wow, you’re a woman of contradictions. The yoga gear says ‘fitness nut,’ but the smokes say ‘emphysema.’ ”

She laughed. “Yeah, I guess I’m sending mixed signals. I’m trying to quit.”

I said, “You’re just complex, like a sexy Walt Whitman—you contain multitudes.”

She laughed. “Hi, I’m Katie,” she said, introducing herself first, a sign of interest. But I sensed some awkwardness and was about to learn why: “The thing is, I’m here with a guy I’m kinda dating—and he’s coming over right now.”

“Oh shit, and I’m hitting on you,” I said with a laugh. “No worries. Just tell him I’m your gay friend. Your GBF—your gay best friend. He’ll be fine.” She giggled and said okay.

The guy came over and looked at me with suspicion, wearing a forced smile. “Chad, this is Connell—my gay friend,” Katie said. He relaxed. I was no threat, he thought. The three of us chatted, and I learned that Katie was a fitness influencer on Instagram.

I just needed to find a way to get her number. “Katie, I recently lost all my contacts,” I said. “Can you give me your number again?” She shared her digits, and Chad was none the wiser.

I left the store and a few blocks later, my phone buzzed. “Very smooth. Nice meeting you, GBF.

Maybe I can get you to switch teams 😉 Katie.”

Look, I’m not telling you to steal a guy’s girl in front of him, but I’m not telling you NOT to. (If Katie were truly committed to him, she would have told me to buzz off, and she certainly wouldn’t have texted me.)

J.J., at this point in your dating journey, it sounds like you have all the pieces in place to enjoy a fulfilling love life as your best, most authentic self.

Still, it’s good to have some advanced knowledge, because the search for your soul mate can throw surprises your way. Plus, it can be fun to show off.

Let’s delve into some advanced dating situations, from approaching women while they’re working (baristas, store clerks, etc.), to getting a girl’s number when you barely have time to talk—in an elevator, say, or at a funeral home.

Kidding! Wait for the reception afterward.

How To Get Her Number in 60 Seconds

When you have little time to talk to a girl—you’re late for work or sharing an elevator with an intriguing woman—you have to be direct but disarming. Suggest a sixty-second date.

It goes like this: “Hi, I know this is random, but you’re absolutely adorable. I have to go in a second, but how about we have a sixty-second date right now to see if we like each other? Up for it?”

It’s a bold move yet a small ask—just one minute of her time. If she’s single and likes your vibe, she’ll likely say yes. After a minute (or two), get her number for your “second” date.

How To Manage A Ménage

According to a Kinsey Institute survey, 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women have fantasized about sex with multiple partners.

But a separate study revealed that just 18 percent of men and 10 percent of women have a hard time putting it together, like Super Bowl tickets or IKEA furniture.

The secret? You just have to ask the right way.
When I began casually dating Natalia, I decided to roll the three-sided dice.

One afternoon, I sent her a carefully crafted text: “Hey, you! You can totally say no, but I was thinking . . . I’ve never been with two women, and I’ve always wanted to experience it with the right partner. I think it would be super sensual and amazing to do it with you. Thoughts? Maybe you have a girlfriend in mind? All good either way! Just wanted to ask.”

I was nervous, but I hit “send.” Then I waited and waited. No reply after several hours. I thought I must have offended her. Damn.

Not long after midnight, as I was nodding off, my apartment buzzer rang. It was Natalia, showing up unannounced with a bottle of wine and a female friend. It was a threesome-o-gram.

If you want to have a ménage à trois, bring it up early in the dating process—after the two of you have been intimate, but before you’ve defined the relationship. Frame it as a fun, sexy adventure to experience together.

Make it an “us” thing, not a “me” thing. It’s amazing what can happen when you ask nicely.

How To Instantly Escape The Friend Zone

Okay, you’re on a date, and you can feel yourself being too timid, quickly getting swallowed into the quicksand of the friend zone.

What do you do? Make an ad hominem (Latin for “to the person”) comment. In other words, a “you” statement. Say something positive and flirtatious about her (“You’re adorable…”, “That look in your eyes was R-rated…,” “You’re so sexy when you XYZ . . .”).

What you say is not that important, as long as it’s something personal about her that sends a flirtatious impulse and snaps you out of your comfort zone.

How To Approach A Large Group

If you want to know how to get a date with a girl when she's in a group and you're not sure how to approach her, here are some quick tips. If there are four or fewer women together in a bar or club, address the entire group as a unit: “Hey, you guys look stylish tonight.” If there are five or more, approach the woman who most interests you and then have her introduce you to her friends.

How To Reconnect With A Girl Who Got Away

Here’s what to text a woman whose number you got a few months prior, but you never followed up with, so the trail has gone cold. It’s the Reconnect Text.

“I don’t know, [name]. I feel like we’re growing apart. We never make love, or snuggle, or whisper sweet nothings in bed. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. Have we lost that lovin’ feeling? [[sad emoji]]”

She might not even remember you, but this playful salvo invites her to write back.

A few messages later, you might have your long-overdue first date on your calendar.

How To Charm The Perfect 10

Every swan was once an ugly duckling, or at least felt like one.

When you’re talking to a woman whom most guys would consider a 10, ask her about her nerdy, dorky youth—and share a story or two from your nerdy high school days.

This is not a tactic to make her feel insecure. On the contrary—thanks to you, she’ll feel even sexier because you’re contrasting her present-day beauty with the pimply, braces-wearing girl she used to be. It also creates a connection.

When you’re both being real and vulnerable, you’ll stop seeing her as a number and start seeing her as a person.

How To Turn Your Instagram Into A Date Generator

If you’re a social guy with a cool lifestyle—into parties, clubbing, and travel— you can use your Instagram account to get dates.

Bragging about those things in person kills attraction, but posting photos of the “good life” on your IG feed gets women’s attention. It’s the ultimate humblebrag.

Simply post a few cool FOMO photos weekly. When you meet women, instead of swap- ping phone numbers, trade IG handles. They’ll see your well-curated life and want to become a part of it.

Hopefully, those tips helped you learn how to ask a girl for a date, how to get her number, and more. If you need help, reach out. You can book a free call here.

Connell Barrett is a men's dating coach who helps men all over the world learn how to get a date with women and eventually find their ideal match. He's a renowned dating coach who's been featured on Good Morning America, Access Hollywood, and in publications such as Maxim and Cosmopolitan. He hosts a podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend and his book Dating Sucks But You Don't can be found at major book retailers. Book a call with Connell here.

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What To Say To Women

Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals the 5 Master Steps to confidently approach women. Learn what to say to women without any creepy “pickup” moves.

What To Say To Women

There’s so much information out there on how to approach women that it gets me stuck in my head. What do I say? What do I not say? Can you help me simplify things? I just want a simple plan that I can put into place to help me meet cool, cute women when I’m out. Help!

—Andy, 39, Toronto

I hear you, Andy. When it comes to approaching women, there’s a lot of noise out there, but very little wisdom.

So let me share some game-changing wisdom with you that will make it so much easier for you to know what to say to women, overcome approach anxiety, meets lots of wonderful women, and make sparks fly!

Get ready to use the 5 Master Steps.

When you go out to approach, you need a framework that gives you certainty and structure. Your brain craves certainty, but dating is filled with things outside of your control.

You can’t count on any given woman liking you, but you can count on a system that leads to lots of women liking you over time. Just as top athletes like LeBron James follow a routine to assure success, you need to follow an approaching routine that leads you to romantic connections.

I teach a framework that I call the Five Master Steps. When you go out, day or night, your primary goal is NOT to get “results.” Your primary goal is to follow the Five Master Steps.

This helps you focus on the process and keeps you from being creepily results-focused. (A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s “result.” She wants to be with a guy who’s genuinely enjoying her.)

Important! When you go out to apply this system, commit to a minimum amount of time—at least thirty minutes, but ideally an hour or more. Treat it like going to the gym. The more time and effort you put in, the better.

But don’t overdo it, either. Make a one-hour session following the Five Master Steps your sweet spot.

The 5 Master Steps

1. Open Often

Talk to lots of women, not waiting too long between interactions.

2. Offer Authentic Value

Be you. You are enough! Your authentic self is attractive to a LOT of women.

3. Make a Connection

It’s about connection, not attraction.

4. Go for It!

A number, a date, a kiss. Go for what you want.

5. Appreciate Something Great

Notice at least one awesome thing about every approach.

Let’s dig in deeper and go through all of the 5 Master Steps.

1: OPEN OFTEN

When you’re out to meet women, make sure you actually meet women! Start LOTS of conversations. Talk to someone new at least every five to ten minutes at night and every fifteen minutes during the day.

This may sound like a high bar if you’re introverted, like I am. But once you dive in and start, it’s actually easier to talk to, say, a dozen women in a night than to only approach one or two and be shoved in your head the rest of the time. Taking action gets you out of your head and gives you social momentum, unlocking your Higher Self. You become present. Additionally, it helps you learn how to talk to beautiful woman without being intimidated.

In a perfect world, you won’t approach the entire time. You’ll hit it off with a woman you like and hang with her. But if this doesn’t happen at first, don’t sweat it. Stick to the steps and go home feeling incredible for being a man of action who’s getting better with women every day.

When you follow this first step and open conversations with a lot of girls—I’m talking five to ten in one hour in a busy bar at night—you’ll notice a shift in your psychology.

What happens is, the fearful part of your brain switches off, and you see true opportunity rather than false danger. This leads to bolder actions and some badass benefits. You enter a fearless flow state that feels like being slightly drunk, yet you’re completely clear-headed. It’s your Higher Self fully activated, and it’s addictive.

When you “open often” and get into a nice flow state, cool things happen. I dated a woman in L.A. whom I’d met when I approached her at a cocktail party at a W Hotel. After our first night together, we were lying in bed and she said, “I was so impressed the way you came right up to me, even though I was with Mike,” referring to a burly guy friend she had been talking to when I first said hello. The truth is, I barely even noticed Mike—at least, not as a threat. I could only see the upside.

Again, your Lower Self will try to talk you out of that first approach. Simply decide to take action. You’re more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting.

2: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE

Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you. Here are three ways to do that.

• Be Man-to-Woman. Flirt. Let her know you’re interested. That said . . .

• Be sincere. Not everything has to be a “move.” Quite the opposite. M-W is the pepper in the dish. The main course is your authentic personality. Because (all together now) you are enough.

• Be fun. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. Dating should be fun, and so should approaching. This will help you a lot, both in terms of enjoying the process and hitting it off with the kinds of women you’re attracted to.

If you go out, flirt a bit, be sincere, and have fun on your own terms—that’s really all you have to do! It can be that simple.

Most guys are not their true selves with women, and they’re trying to take rather than give. Not you. You’re that rare guy who approaches her with the intention to give, not to take. You’re at her level. The guy who offers authentic value.

And when you give to women, women love to give back.

3: MAKE A CONNECTION

When you are thinking of what to say to women keep it at an emotional level. Look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.

4: GO FOR IT!

If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor makeout. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client Michael, thirty, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I screwed up,” he said. “It was going great, but I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?” “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.”
“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!”
He reapproached her. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I saw her look up, listen, smile, and extend her hand, asking for his phone. Numbers exchanged, date set.

Your Lower Self will try to talk you out of taking risks. Don’t let it. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!

5: APPRECIATE SOMETHING GREAT

After every approach—whether it lasted three seconds or three hours—appreciate at least one great thing about it. A joke you made, a lesson you learned. Or, if you got blown out, see something funny in it.

Approaching success is largely about managing your emotions, and Step 5 keeps you focused on the positive and empowering rather than on judging yourself. What you focus on is what you will feel, so focus on something empowering.

Do. Not. Skip. This. Step. If you do, you’ll turn into Judge Judy, finding every flaw, real or imagined, in your interactions. I know. I did that for years. Remember: Every approach is a win. No self-judgment allowed.

These are the Five Master Steps. This tested system assures that you’ll meet lots of women as the real you. If you apply it, it’s hard not to hit it off with some wonderful women.

Dating coach for guys, Connell Barrett, helps men all over the world find the women of their dreams by connecting authentically. Connell is a trusted dating coach appearing on shows including The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and Good Morning America to name a few. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to break into the dating scene successfully with authenticity. Get the book here. Listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend here. Book a free discovery call with Connell here.

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How To Appear Confident And Attractive When You Approach A Woman

Dating Coach Connell Barrett on the 5 secrets for steely confidence, so you can learn how to appear confident and attractive as you approach women and attract a great girlfriend

How to Appear Confident and Attractive to Get the Girl

Connell, it’s so hard for me to approach women. I can be so confident around my friends, but when I see a cute girl I want to meet, I become a puddle of nerves. How do I fix this?

—Roger, 34, Portland, Ore.

Roger, let me answer you with a thought experiment, in two scenarios.

No. 1: You’re in your favorite coffee shop, and you see an attractive woman. Your only goal? Walk over and ask her for the time. As you go up to her, how comfortable and confident would you feel, on a scale of 1-10?

No. 2: Same coffee shop, same woman. Except now your mission is different: “Approach” her, use a clever opener, be charismatic, spark attraction, and get her digits for a date. If this was your goal, using the same 1-10 scale, what’s your confidence level?

Odds are, when you compare the two numbers, in the first scenario your confidence lands in the 7-10 range, while in the second it nosedives to about 1-4. (“Put me down for minus-100,” one client told me.)

Now, both situations involve identical actions: You walking up to an attractive female stranger and talking. But one context gives you confidence, and the other makes you anxious, perhaps petrified.

Why the disparity? It’s all in the mind—specifically, the stories you tell yourself based on your beliefs.

You likely imbue the two situations with very different meanings. Asking a stranger for the time carries no risk to your ego. Your self-worth is not on the line.

But “hitting on her” has high stakes. In this story, success means that you’ll feel attractive and land a date with a beauty who might be The One. Yet if you approach and fail, you may feel humiliated, rejected, creepy, and learn that the worst is true: Women just aren’t into you.

This second interpretation—“Failure means I’m not enough”—triggers fear and anxiety. It turns talking to a woman into an existential reckoning on your worth as a man.

It’s these stories, these beliefs, that govern your actions and emotions and determine your dating destiny.

So keep reading, to learn how to build a bullet-proof confidence, so that anxiety-inducing actions like approaching or moving in for the first kiss become almost as easy as asking for the time. You’ll also learn the 5 Beliefs that Assure Success, while destroying the limiting belief that most holds you back.

Look in the Mirror

In my 20s, I worked as a waiter at a steakhouse. I had a huge crush on Tina, a smart, sassy, doe-eyed waitress. One night, I was leaning against the break-room wall and sucking on a cherry lollipop when Tina walked up to me, pulled the sucker from my mouth and slowly put it in hers. “Yum,” she cooed, holding eye contact.

Every atom in my body was aroused, but despite her bold, flirtatious move, it never occurred to me that she liked me, so I didn’t ask her out or flirt back. I was CERTAIN that I wasn’t attractive to women, so I figured she just wanted my lollipop. I had no idea she, ahem, “wanted my lollipop.”

A limiting belief about your attractiveness can blind you to opportunities, and stop you from taking the actions that create connections with women.

This leads me to some bad news and some good news.

The bad news: If things aren’t working in your romantic life, it’s on you.

Everything you love, hate, feel, fear, think, believe—it all shows up in your interactions with women, for better or worse. Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside you. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions, emotions. Take me and Tina. It wasn’t that I was afraid to ask her out; asking her out never entered my mind because I was sure that women like her didn’t want me.

The quality of your love life correlates to the quality of your mindset.

Saying that your dating struggles are “on you” may sound harsh, but it’s actually excellent news! You can’t change the externals—women, society, Tinder’s algorithm. But you can change your mindset, which will change your emotions, actions, and outcomes.

To be clear, there’s nothing broken in you. You don’t need fixing. But you do need to fix your mindset.

The Power of Beliefs

What’s a belief? It’s a feeling of absolute certainty about what something means—a story you repeatedly tell yourself. Many beliefs are true and empowering (“Mom loves me”; “hard work pays off”), while others are false but fairly harmless. (“I’ll have one more beer”; “That Bruce Willis can really act!”)

Then there are limiting beliefs—disempowering feelings that are either totally or partially false but that constrain you, damaging the quality of your life. In dating, a limiting belief can keep you from taking the right action, and also hurt your results when you do take action. And they can crush your confidence.

For example, a guy might believe, “I’m not good-looking enough to date beautiful women,” even though he’s never even tried. Therefore, he doesn’t pursue the women he’s attracted to, effectively turning a made-up story into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here are some common limiting beliefs:

I’m not good-looking/ cool/ tall enough to date attractive women
I don’t have the words/ don’t know what to say to girls
I’m the wrong ethnicity
I’m not outgoing enough/ I’m too shy and introverted
I’m too old

When you replace a limiting belief with a new, empowering, and TRUE belief, it changes how you feel, makes dating fun, and propels you toward what I call an Amazing Outcome—a dating life of confidence and connection.

The most destructive disempowering dating belief? It’s some version of “I’m not enough.” Not tall enough or handsome enough or charismatic enough for the kind of woman you want to date. And getting so-called “proof” that you’re not enough—a woman ghosts you or friend-zones you or turns down your approach—can make you feel like less of a man.

But when you destroy the beliefs that hold you back, you’re free to take new actions—even if those limitations seem, well, truly limiting.

A decade ago, I was in London on a sunny Sunday afternoon, taking a dating boot camp as a student. I’d spent two hours approaching women in Trafalgar Square. At the time, I was still battling the doubts that triggered anxiety: “What if I’m not good-looking enough? What if I’m too introverted?” In other words, “What if I’m not enough?”

My coach was offering some pointers when he spotted a past client of his in mid-approach. “There’s Alex,” my coach said. “Looks like he’s doing great.”

I turned to see a tall, slender brunette woman wearing aviator shades, a form-fitting trench coat, and a wide smile. Alex looked relaxed. At one point, she laughed and threw her hair back.

I couldn’t hear their words, but she was clearly loving him. The look on her face said, “Damn, you’re confident.” It didn’t matter to her that Alex was in a wheelchair. He was all smiles and smoothness, bound to his chair but not to his limitations.

The 5 Beliefs That Assure Success

I want to share five powerful beliefs that, if applied, will make great dating results a veritable lock for you. Follow these North stars. Here they are.

1: YOU ARE ENOUGH

When I was a junior in college, I wrote a weekly humor column for the campus newspaper. It was a popular feature, but I was painfully insecure about my writing.

One day, a fan letter from a journalism professor appeared in my mailbox. “You may not know how good you are,” Professor Hale said of my writing, before telling me about the promising career that awaited me. That letter, that sentence, was a booster shot of confidence that I badly needed.

You may not know how good YOU are. If you wonder whether or not you’re enough to date wonderful women and get a great girlfriend, you absolutely are—in ways great and small. Buy into this. Because when you believe it, everything shifts.

2: WHEN YOU FOCUS ON AN AMAZING OUTCOME, YOUR MIND MAKES IT HAPPEN

Accept the truth that a great partner WILL be in your life. It’s a done deal—a when, not an if. This is about focusing on what you want, rather than what you fear. Anxiety and inaction come from playing a horror movie in your mind.

So play a different flick, one that shows you a compelling outcome.

I’m not talking about a ruthless fixation on success. Don’t go all J.K. Simmons in “Whiplash” on yourself. Simply soak in the certitude that an incredible love life awaits. It will happen.

This is not woo-woo, “law of attraction” mumbo jumbo. It’s practical psychology. When you commit to a compelling goal, your subconscious says, “Let’s do this!” And to keep you honest, your brain does a dickishly-cool thing: It gives you stress if your actions don’t align with your goal. To avoid this pain, you act in accordance with your desires, and your mind eliminates many of the shitty thoughts and behaviors that hold you back.

Also, this kind of fierce focus helps you perform at a higher level. This is what great athletes do. In his prime, on his way to winning 15 majors, Tiger Woods would stand on the tee and picture the blade of grass on which his ball would land some 350 yards away. By focusing on where he was going, he worried less about sand traps and lakes. This relaxed him, facilitating his best play.

See and feel your outcome—the confidence, the romantic connection—and your psychology will find a way.

3: RITUALS EQUAL RESULTS

Love handles or washboard abs? Being dead broke or Richie Rich wealthy? Unlucky in love or honeymooning in Hawaii?

Our progress, or lack thereof, comes from our rituals, the actions we take consistently. Daily action will propel you toward the romantic fulfillment you desire.

You can visualize and meditate and get your kumbayayas out all day long, but if you don’t take consistent, ritualized action, your chance of failure is high. Vision boards and goals scribbled on paper—it’s all dead wood without the discipline to act.

But don’t think you need to improve in leaps and bounds right away. Yes, you can have big breakthroughs, but don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement.

4: FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR FOE

With apologies to FDR, the only thing we have to fear is ignoring fear itself. Fear is a friend, a powerful force to harness, a call to action.

If you’re afraid to approach that girl or go for the first-date kiss, that’s fear telling you exactly what you SHOULD do.

Your love life is like a boat, and fear is the ocean wind. You can use those gusts to reach your destination, or do nothing and be lost at sea. As Tony Robbins said at a seminar, “You can’t control the wind, but you can control the sails.”

If you do one scary but necessary thing every day, you’ll see incredible results faster than you ever thought possible.

5: FAILURE IS THE SECRET TO RESULTS

Thomas Edison failed to invent the lightbulb hundreds of times. Abraham Lincoln failed to win almost every election he entered, until 1860. J.K. Rowling failed to sell her first Harry Potter manuscript 22 times.

So-called “failure” is part of the path to achievement. The secret: Fail big and often. Then fail again and again and again…

Until you succeed.

As you can see, the secret of how to appear confident and attractive to women is by looking within. You have everything it takes to succeed. You just need to allow yourself to do so. I know, I know, easier said than done. If you need help with how to be confident around beautiful women, book a free call with me.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. He's appeared on Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and The Today Show to name a few. His podcast on how to get a girlfriend and book Dating Sucks But You Don't provide dating tips to help men succeed while being their authentic selves.

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Can Short Guys Be Attractive

Dating Coach Connell Barrett talks about how short guys can be attractive to tall women, the “nice guy” dating myth, and the way to approach women with charm and confidence.

Can Short Guys Be Attractive

I’m about 5-foot-five, my lack of height really hurts my confidence with women. All I hear about is how women want guys who are 6-feet or taller. I think this hurts me on the apps and also when I’m out looking to meet women. I can’t approach because I just assume women are gonna laugh at me. Can you help?
—Terry, 39, Tulsa, Oklahoma

Let me dispel a big dating myth. You may think that short guys struggle with dating, but in truth, women like guys of all shapes and sizes. So, can short guys be attractive? Absolutely!

Dating is about connection and giving your best, truest self to another person. Do those things and you can have an abundance of romantic options and land a great girlfriend, whether you’re six-foot-four or four-foot-six.

Women don’t necessarily want tall guys. They want guys who aren’t shorter than them. The average American woman is five-foot-four, so if you hit that spot or above on the tape measure, you have lots of options.

And you can also attract girls who are taller than you. For a woman, it’s not really about a guy’s height. It’s about how a guy’s height makes her feel: namely feminine, smaller, safe. A shorter man can give her those same feelings by adding muscle at the gym, carrying himself with confidence, using his voice in a dominant way, or getting great at flirting. In fact, if you Google "short guys with tall girlfriends," you'll find several examples.

So what’s your move? Feature what you can’t fix. Let me elaborate.

In business, there’s a marketing concept that says, “What you can’t fix, you feature.” By highlighting a product’s weakness, you turn it into a strength.

In golf, a nine-holer isn’t a lesser course; it’s an “executive track.” A car isn’t too expensive; it’s a “luxury automobile.” If you’re shorter than average, you can joke about it, turning it into a signifier of confidence.

I once went out for the night and found myself wingmanning with a cool, five-foot-4 guy named Darren. He was phenomenal with women. Not only did he not care about his height; with several girls he met, he led with it. He told one woman, “When we get married, I can be on the wedding cake,” and she laughed so hard, she spit out her drink. To another: “I promise, I’ll never look down on you.”

So feature what you can’t fix. It tells people that you’re secure in who you are. And that kind of confidence is sexy to women of all heights.

Nice Guys Finish First

I read online about how you have to be a bad boy “alpha male” to attract women. Well, I’m not that guy. I’m a chill, quiet, nice guy. Am I out of luck? Do women just not want me?
—Rodney, 40, London, England

What?! You’re a nice man? Gross. It’s pretty much over for you, Rodney. Looks like you’ll have to give up on trying to find a flesh-and-blood woman and settle for the inflatable kind instead. I kid!

One of the biggest myths in dating is that women like bad boys, and are turned off by nice guys. Wrong!

Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs… as long as you’re authentically nice and real with women, as opposed to putting on a fake, supplicating mask.

Now, don’t get me wrong. From Russell Brand to Han Solo, many women love the bad boy (and his cousin, the cocky jerk.) The swagger. The bravado. The Millennium Falcon. It’s irresistible. Bad boys tend to get girls giggling, twirling their hair, and giving out their numbers. But the odds of women swooning over you—a nice guy who likes and respects women—are slim, right? Not so. The truth is, you can absolutely steal a little bad-boy mojo while still being the nice guy you are.

I know this from personal experience because I’m a nice guy who was raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town. I used to volunteer at a residence for blind people. I say please and thank you. I (literally!) help old ladies walk across cross the street. To be clear, I’m not bragging. Just pointing out that you can totally be a nice guy and also be great with women.

Women are dying to date nice guys. Consider some data: In a Glamour magazine poll, single women chose “loyal and lovable” men as the category of single guys they most want to date, at 33 percent. You know who finished way down the list, second to last, at 6 percent? “Bad boys.” I tried playing the cocky bad boy with women, and I struggled mightily. Then one fateful evening I met a gorgeous, glossy-haired Maxim model who opened my eyes to what women are really looking for. She was complaining about all the narcissistic jerks she meets.

“I’m so sick of arrogant, selfish men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me. They’re just too intimidated, I guess. It’s too bad because nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs—as long as they have a backbone.”

Did you catch that last part? It’s important. “As long as they have a backbone.” When nice guys strike out with women, it’s not because of the niceness. It’s because they don’t convey the strength and confidence that women respond to. They don’t show the value that women need to see.

You don’t need to wear some assholier-than-thou mask, and you don’t need to be an “alpha male.” You need to be a nice guy with steely self-confidence.

Don’t only take my male word on this. Here’s another expert to chime in. “By the time they reach their late twenties, women are done with bad boys,” Cherlyn Chong, a relationship coach for women, told me in a phone interview. “They put up with dick pics, arrogance, even emotional abuse, and they just want a nice, honest guy with some form of sexy going on. A guy who’s genuine dismantles women’s walls by being respectful while unapologetically real. That’s sexy as fuck.”

So don’t be some fake “bad boy.” Instead, be a (nice!) man with a plan.

Women love a leader. When it comes to dates, never say, “So what do YOU wanna do?” Have a plan. Lead. Take charge, but with respect and empathy for her.

Pick a place she’ll love for that first drink and have a second spot in mind to suggest for a nightcap. Know where you’re taking her, with decisiveness. (“Hey, let’s go to [cool place]. It’s awesome and you’re gonna love it.”)

Be a man—and a gentleman—with a plan, and you can date like a bad boy while being a good guy.

The Approaching Mistake Men Make

At least a dozen times a week I see a woman I’d love to approach—at the gym, the grocery store, coffee shops. I try to psych myself up to go and say hi, but it’s like my feet are stuck in cement! That little voice says, “Don’t approach her. It’s creepy!” I feel stuck and helpless.
—Jason, 28, Chicago

I’ve been there, Jason. Approaching anxiety was the biggest problem that I battled back in the day.

But you know what’s way creepier than approaching a woman? Wanting to approach but doing nothing… and just staring at her (while beating yourself up).

Here’s a story I tell in my book, “Dating Sucks But You Don’t.” When I started learning how to attract women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blond friend sat with a muscular guy.

At that point, I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend. And this guy was absolutely huge, like a bottle of Muscle Milk made flesh. But I summoned the courage, walked over, sat down in the empty chair, and offered a warm hello.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my God! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” (I thought, “Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked?) “You’re NORMAL!” she said.

She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy over there has been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!”

Oh, and the hulking fellow who I was worried about? He was super friendly. I traded numbers with the brunette, who I had nice chemistry with.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. And that comes from a good place. But there’s nothing creepy about approaching, as long as you do it with authenticity and with good intentions.

What DOES feel creepy to women is when a guy wants to approach, yet does nothing except stare, and hover, and… stare some more.

The fix? Follow the 3-Second Rule.

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. (But use social acuity. If she’s, say, paying for her groceries at the counter, or preparing to land that 747, let her finish before you break the ice.)

Begin walking toward her within about three seconds of spotting her. If you delay too much longer than that, the doubt will creep in and you’ll talk yourself out of it.

As I tell my clients when we go out and approach women together, in person: “The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.”

Three, two, one . . . go! You’ll feel amazing for taking action, and you just might find yourself flirting with a woman who’s thrilled to meet you.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men helping guys all over the world date the women of their dreams. He answers questions like can short guys be attractive, do nice guys finish first, and teaches how to approach women. Connell has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America, and more. His book "Dating Sucks But You Don't" helps men gain the confidence they need to get the girl. He also hosts the Dating Transformation podcast on how to get a girlfriend.

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How to Flirt over Text

Connell Barrett, a dating coach for men, answers your questions about how to flirt over text, how to approach with confidence, and how to escape the friend zone.

How to Flirt over Text

Hey, Connell. The problem I’m facing is that I’ll get a woman’s number from Tinder or Bumble, but then she’ll go quiet and lose interest as we text. It’s so frustrating to have a good match go nowhere. How do you flirt better over text?

—Harold, 35, New York City

I feel you, Harold. It can really sting to finally get a match with a cool, attractive woman, and then get her phone number… only to have her go quiet!

So close, but yet so far.

To help you stop getting ghosted and start getting more dates, here’s some help.

First, let’s define what flirting is. It’s playfully, charmingly conveying your romantic interest in a light, clear manner—and not in a vulgar way.

The great news is, these days you can text using your words, voice, pics, and emojis. You have more tools than ever to text your way to romance.

Now, many men try to flirt, but they either fawn over their crush (“You’re so beautiful, so amazing”), or they come across as merely friendly, or they just boringly rely on clichés (“How are you? How’s your day?”) Those are all ineffective strategies.

Here are the dos and don’ts of flirting over text.

DO MAKE YOUR INTEREST CLEAR

You want your crush to know that you’re flirting with them, and not to confuse it with mere friendliness. If they don’t know you’re flirting, then it won’t be effective. It’s the difference between writing, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” instead of, “I was just thinking about you.”

Cleverness is a nice bonus, but clarity comes first. When in doubt, just say to someone, “By the way, I’m really liking you” or “Hey, you know what’s attractive about you? The way you…” and then tell them.

DON’T USE BORING OPENERS

Most women are tired of hearing “Hey,” “Hi,” “How’s your day?” as an opener. Avoid lazy clichés. The best openers are personalized, giving them something—say, a joke, a compliment, or a fun question she wants to answer.

So instead of “How’s your day?”, lean toward, “How did you name your dog?” or “Since you’re the wine expert, tell me—what’s your favorite wine bar?”

Clichés kill chemistry. Keep things light and personalized to make sparks fly.

DON’T GET TOO SEXUAL TOO SOON

Early on, keep your text messages G-rated or PG. Getting too sexual too soon can come across as vulgar. Think, “Charm, not smarm.”

DO PLAYFULLY TEASE YOUR CRUSH

Texts that playfully tease can amplify the sparks. Think of the smitten schoolboy who pulls the pigtails of the girl he likes.

The secret? Tease her about small, light topics that she wouldn’t get upset about—like, say, her favorite foods or movies. “What? Your favorite movie EVER is ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’? I was really liking you until you admitted that ;)”

NEVER tease her about potential sore spots such as her weight, looks, or pets. That will backfire. My client once teased a date about her dog’s appearance, comparing it to a rat, and it killed the vibe. Instead, tease about light, surface-level things.

DO USE PHOTOS

If a picture’s worth a thousand words, the right flirty picture is worth a thousand texts.

Sending a good photo—showing off, say, your favorite tattoo, or the amazing outfit you’re wearing—will make a big impact. A woman I dated used to send me selfies, along with a caption—“Here I am, looking like a snack”—and I couldn’t get her out of my mind for the whole night.

DON’T FORGET TO USE EMOJIS

It’s easy to have miscommunications over text. Emojis to the rescue! They can make an otherwise “just friendly” message feel very flirty.

The right emoji adds the light, playful tone you want to a flirty text message.

When in doubt, use the winky-face emoji, the heart-eyes emoji, or the very underrated upside-down smiling emoji.

As a general rule, avoid using more than two emojis per message, so as not to come across as overly eager.

DO USE AUDIO MESSAGES

Don’t settle for only text messages alone. Use your phone, or app’s, audio feature to send vocal notes. Few things are sexier than hearing your crush’s voice, which can dial up the romantic tension.

A couple tips. First, keep your audio notes short—less than 60 seconds. You don’t want to sound like you’re rambling. Less is more.

Also, try to sound as natural and relaxed as possible. To help you loosen up, send a “test” audio message about anything to a good friend, just to get your voice and vibe relaxed. Next, mirror that tone when sending the audio to your crush.

Sending a voice note projects self-confidence—and confidence is sexy as hell.

HOW TO APPROACH WITH CONFIDENCE

OK, this happens all the time—I see that incredible woman who I’d love to approach, and I just can’t go and break the ice with her. It drives me crazy! How do I get over my fear of rejection?

—Gary, 44, Yonkers, NY

You need to apply my Universal Rejection Rule. Think of it as a firewall that protects your mental software from indulging in the fear of rejection.

Before I share it, a quick note: The goal here is not to totally eradicate feeling rejected. You’re human! You’re allowed to be bummed if a girl isn’t into you. But you want to minimize that pain and refocus on achieving your dating goals.

Here’s the Universal Rejection Rule:

“I’ll only feel Rejection if I indulge in the illusion that a woman whom I barely know can reject me, instead of remembering that there are a million more girls, and I have more to give.”

This rule rules. It calls bullshit on “the illusion” that someone who doesn’t know you can “reject” you. And the phrase “instead of remembering” shifts your mind to the abundance of dating options that you do have and the abundance of love that you offer.

Dating sucks for tons of men because of rejection—they see it as a Pandora’s Box of painful emotions. This rule locks the box, reminding you that you have endless options and so much to give.

My client Jeff used to battle approach anxiety. When he started to apply this mantra, he went out on the town and approached more than 20 women in one weekend. He got “rejected” several times, but his new rule helped him brush those off.

He also got a phone full of numbers and made out with a total cutie on the dance floor.

Now, you won’t be instantly confident all of the time—that only comes with reps.

But this new rule creates an opening, giving you a burst of belief and confidence… and that’s enough to start meeting some women, and soon getting phone numbers and dates.

THE KEYS TO ESCAPE THE “FRIEND ZONE”

I’m starting to get some really good dates, with all the Tinder tips in your book. But I’m still hearing, “Hey, I’m not feeling it” too often after first dates. It’s getting frustrating. How can I smash out of the friend zone on first dates?

—Tommy, 29, Boulder City, Colo.

Ahh, the Friend Zone. I didn’t just live there, back in the day. I owned vast tracts of real estate there. I was a Friend Zone oligarch.

In my book “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” I share over 100 tips about escaping the Friend Zone on dates. Here are five of my favorite.

1: Show Clear Interest

If you’re interested in a woman, make it clear. It can be as simple as saying, “Let’s go on a second date,” rather than making it a mystery. On the date, don’t hide your feelings. Tell her or show her that you think she’s sexy or cool. Women love the confidence it takes to show your interest.

2: Talk the Talk!

The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level, so cultivate a rich, resonant tonality. Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “uptalking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.

When speaking to a woman on your date, imagine another person is directly behind her and talk loud enough that both of them can hear you. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when speaking to a woman you find attractive. (It’s a common unconscious reaction when we feel insecure.)

Think of a continuum of voice tonality, from supplicating (hesitant, quiet, uptalking) to neutral/friendly (your normal voice) to commanding (drill sergeant barking orders). Seek the sweet spot between commanding and neutral/friendly. This is the tonality that sounds firm and certain, yet friendly and upbeat.

3: Use Confident Body Language

Stand tall, widen your stance a bit, and take up space. When you stand, imagine that your spine is a steel rod.

Powerful body language not only sends women the right message—it boosts your emotional state. Try it right now: Stand up, hunch your shoulders, touch your ankles together, and hold that pose for thirty seconds. You feel small and passive, right? Okay, now stand TALL, like your spine is made of steel, push your shoulders back, take a wide stance, and hold this pose for thirty seconds.

I bet you feel more confident and masculine. That’s because adopting a confident body language can increase your testosterone and reduce cortisol, the stress hormone.  

4: Look her in the Eyes

I dated a marketing director named Olivia. After we’d been seeing each other for a while, I asked her what she liked about me on our first date, thinking she’d mention my smooth lines. But women rarely remember your words.

“That’s easy,” she said. “You looked me in the eye. That made you seem so confident.”  

5: Be Physically Expressive

Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a fun, flirty vibe that keeps you out of the friend zone.

You can high-five, hold her hand, tap her arm, touch her thigh, whisper in her ear, or brush the hair from her eyes, among other ways—assuming, of course, that she’s made it clear that she’s comfortable with this, is enjoying it, and also reciprocates.

If you’ve gotten the “green light,” this is okay to do, within boundaries.

We’re humans. We touch. And for some women, physical touch is the main way they experience love and connection.

You want to be physically expressive in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable. To help do this, have a reason for the physical contact. Just randomly touching her on a first date is weird. Make it an extension of your words and/or the emotion of the moment.

“What? You love Coldplay, too? Up high!” [High-five]  

“I have a secret to tell you . . .” [Lean in, whisper in  her ear]  

“Your favorite movie is ‘The Mighty Ducks’? You need to go now.” [Lightly push her away]

Begin with small touches and taps on her arm or upper elbow. This gets her comfortable with your physicality, and lets you see if she likes it or not. If she clearly doesn’t like it or if you’re just not sure, then stop.)  

Physical expression is the stairway to intimacy with a woman you have chemistry with. Women HATE a handsy, octopus-armed creep. But in general, they love a man who’s comfortable being physically expressive while being aware of how she’s responding.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men worldwide date and find the women of their dreams. Connell has appeared on the Good Morning America, The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Buy Connell's book, Dating Sucks But You Don't here.

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How to Write a Dating Profile

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to write a dating profile and how to make sparks fly on first dates.

How to Write A Dating Profile

Photos are the most important piece of real estate on your dating-app profile, but if you’re not getting the kinds of matches you want, odds are you have to learn how to write a dating profile that resonates with women.

The first rule of online-dating success (after having great photos): Write a Badass Bio!

But sadly, most dating-app bios suffer from a dreaded case of I-Like-Long-Walks-on-the-Beach-itis.

They’re dull, have no personality, and they read like a résumé.

Here are the six essential elements you want in your bio:

1: Clarity. Women want to burn minimal mental calories while reading about you. If you confuse, she will snooze, and you will lose.

2: Personality! It should be light, fun, and authentic. Humor is a major bonus. Making her laugh is better than having six-pack abs. (Take it from me… I haven’t seen my abs since I ran track in high school…)

3: Positivity. Good vibes only. This rule is unbreakable.

4: Brevity. Less is more. But don’t write NOTHING.

5: Sincerity and heart. Let her glimpse the real you, with specifics. Use some “chick bait,” that is, stuff that women are drawn to: chocolate, dogs, yoga, champagne, the beach, surfing, a cool job, delicious foods such as guacamole. (One study by the dating app Zoosk noted that men who mention guac on their profile saw their match rate increase by 144 percent on average.)

6: A call to action, such as a fun question (“Would you rather date: Tyrion or Jon Snow?”) or telling her what she should do. (“Swipe right if you love Pop-Tarts.”) More on the importance of a good call to action in a minute.

Now, as for what NOT to put in your bio, here’s a list, in no particular order:

Negativity, such as listing what you DON’T want in a partner.

Any variation of “no drama.” Women hate this because it’s like saying, “Have no emotions and be perfect.” Most women who read “no drama” will immediately swipe-left.

Vulgarity. No f*cking bad language… capeesh, mother-truckers?

No blank bios. Write something! If you leave your bio blank, she’ll consider you a blank.

Fat-shaming, slut-shaming, bi-shaming, and STI-shaming (e.g., referring to yourself as “clean”). This won’t work, it’s gross, and may get your profile shadow-banned or outright banned. And it’s VERY HARD to get back on a dating app after you’ve been booted.

And here’s another important tip, when it comes to learning how to write a dating profile.

Be Captain “Hook.”

The first sentence is the most important part of your bio, on apps like Tinder and Bumble. (Hinge is a different beast, where there’s no bio—just various prompts.)

I call it the hook. If your first line doesn’t hook her interest, she may bounce and find someone who’s got more to offer.

Things to avoid are clichés, like “giving this a try” (well, duh!) and “seeking a partner in crime” (don’t use this tired line, unless you’re an actual bank robber).

Generic greetings like “Heyy, whattup, ladies?” will fall pancake flat. Another turn-off? Writing “I’m bad at bios.” Umm, would you buy an iPhone if Apple’s slogan was “We’re bad at technology”?

And PLEASE… no quoting your favorite movie or TV show. (Great, you like “The Office” and “The Simpsons”—most of humanity does.)

Here’s how to write a good hook.  

The best way to grab her attention is with a good quip. Make her smile. This is more art than science, so here are some examples my clients and I have had success with.

“DANGER! My profile *may* make you fall in love with me.”

Why it works: The all-caps breaks her pattern, and the “challenge” issued creates curiosity. You’re daring her NOT to keep reading.

“A man on the street and a dad bod in the sheets.”

Why it works: Even if she doesn’t know the Usher song lyric that this alludes to, it’s silly and self-effacing. Most guys brag on Tinder. You’re talking up your dad bod.

“I’m 6'2", so I’m the perfect big spoon.” 

Why it works: It combines two things women love: tall guys and spooning.

“My million-dollar idea: Pulled. Pork. Ice cream.” 

Why it works: Just plain stupid, in the best way. If she laughs, she’ll keep reading.

“My heart is bigger than Kanye’s ego.”

Why it works: A snarky dig at Kanye while saying, “I’m a good guy.” That’s an attractive combo.

“Back in my day, we made booty calls on pay phones.” Why it works: A funny way to tweak Tinder.

How to Write about Yourself:

Include a few details in your bio about you. What do you want women to know? What makes you different, awesome, a great catch?

Show (with specifics), don’t tell (with vagueness). “I live for rock climbing in Colorado” paints a clear picture. “I love to travel” or “I like the outdoors” says nothing.

How to Write a Good Call to Action:

End your bio with a fun call to action that compels her to match with you. This is especially important on Bumble, where women send the first message; you’re helping her write her opener to you. “Would you rather” questions work well because they’re playful and easy to answer.

Such as, WYR . . .

…have dinner with Lennon or McCartney?

…shower in Evian or swim in Cristal? 

…date the Tin Man or Scarecrow? 

…eat a potato, or BE a potato?

Calls to action can simply tell her what you want her to do, the same way we’re all told to “Call now!” or “Like and subscribe.” The secret? Make her want to swipe.

“Swipe right if you love Ben & Jerry’s.”  

“Swipe right if you’re too sexy for this app.”  

“What kind of puppy should I get? Message me!”  

“Tell me… Thin-crust or deep-dish? (Pressure. There  IS a right answer.)”

Learning how to write a dating profile is trickier than it looks. But if you follow all of these guidelines, and write a great hook, you’ll “hook” more women’s interest, and get a LOT more matches and dates.

THE FAST WAY TO FIRST-DATE CONFIDENCE

I’ve been reading a lot of tips and advice—including your book, which I loved! But I have a problem. I get a lot of dates, which is awesome, but I feel very “shoved in my head” during the dates. It’s hard to keep all these moves and techniques straight in my mind. This results in me not having fun or feeling confident, and I’m not getting second dates. How do I smash out of the first-date friend zone, while also feeling loose and confident?

—Robert, 29, Philadelphia

Robert, you need to think less, and give you next date a present: your presence.

Look, I get into theory and practical advice as much as any guy—hey, I literally wrote the book on it! But on a date, you need to clear your mind of the 127 pointers you’ve soaked up and just be present with her.

How? By embracing the “essence of the craft.”

The term comes from a top mental-game coach named Jim Fannin, who’s trained elite athletes such as Alex Rodriguez. Fannin also coached me.

Fannin teaches a concept called “the essence of the craft.” He has top athletes distill complex tasks into one simple phrase so that they don’t overthink things. At the plate, A-Rod used to tell himself, “I hit the ball flat with an accelerated bat.”

When you’re interacting with a woman, the last thing you need is to try to remember tons of tips and techniques. Your most attractive, authentic, awesome self will have a clear mind.

To get into the moment on dates and keep things simple, create a short mantra (10 words or less) that captures the essence of the first-date craft for you. Here are three that me and my clients have used for better dates.

“Be authentic and make her smile.”

“Flirt, connect, and have fun.”

“Learn what makes her fascinating, while being your real self.”

If you’re real and can put a smile on her face, there’s a great chance for a romantic connection. Plus, these reminders shift your mind away from your insecurities and doubts and lets you focus on giving her a great time.

There’s nothing wrong with learning tips and moves. But when you’re with a girl on a date, keep things simple. Embrace the essence of the craft.

The right moves will arise, as needed. Get out of your head and into the moment.

Give her the present of your authentic presence.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men who helps clients attract women and find the woman of their dreams. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't provides important dating advice to get you started. Connell has appeared on the Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a complimentary call with Connell here.

How to Compliment a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to compliment a girl, why your looks just don’t matter, and a simple tip to confidently approach women.

How to Compliment a Girl

Connell, I really need to know how to compliment a girl. I know from your book that it’s important to create a “man-to-woman” frame when you’re talking to a woman, but every time I want to compliment someone, I worry that I’ll come across as needy or overeager. When it comes to learning how to compliment a girl, what’s the right way?

—Jason, 40, Tampa, Fla.

Ah, how to compliment a girl? It’s one of life’s age-old questions, right up there with, “Is there life after death?” and “Why the HELL did Game of Thrones’ final season suck so bad?”

Fear not, Jason. It’s actually very simple to compliment a girl, whether you’re on a date, chatting in a social environment, or just texting back and forth on a dating app.

A fantastic way to do it is to pay her a Power Compliment. It should be three things: sincere, specific, and not about her physical attributes.

Does she have a cool tattoo? Stylish leather boots? An awesome Springsteen T-shirt? Tell her what you noticed and why you’re impressed. (“I love Bruce, too. He was my first concert.”)  

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s physical beauty, but women want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let her know an inner quality that you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her.

Lots of guys have told her how beautiful she is on the outside. Be that rare man who also sees the beauty within.  

That’s how to compliment a girl, in a way that she’ll love.

WHY YOUR LOOKS DON’T MATTER

I’ll be blunt. I’m not a good-looking guy. I have a big nose, and also some scarring on my neck from an accident from childhood. And my looks really hurt me in the confidence department. I almost never talk to women, I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, and I don’t bother with online dating. I figure, “What’s the point? It’s all about being great-looking.” But I’m so lonely and low in confidence. Can you give me any tips? Or just some hope?

—Michael, 37, Nashville

Michael, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I used to think I just didn’t have the looks or washboard abs that women want.

But the truth is your looks are way, way overrated, when it comes to dating success, and attracting a great girlfriend.

That’s right—your looks don’t matter.

Hey, if you’re a guy who has chiseled, Hemsworthian features, good on you. But take it from a fellow who’s dated some beautiful women despite resembling a Weasley brother: Your looks don’t matter all that much—unless you make them matter.

If you stop and think, you’ll find that the old Joe Jackson song “Is She Really Going Out with Him?” rings true. How often have you seen a head-turning woman with a regular-looking guy? Lots, I’ll bet. There are many high-profile examples, too, from past and present. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Pete Davidson and Half of Hollywood.

I used to buy into the whole “looks matter” myth, which is partially why I married a woman I wasn’t in love with. I wanted to be single and date around, but I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to do that, so I settled. And she rightly dumped me nine weeks later.

When I started hiring coaches and getting some good wingmen, I met tons of not-hot guys—chubby, scrawny, short—who were attracting sexy women.

The first time I saw a “regular” guy getting rock-star results, I almost rubbed my eyes and questioned reality. Owen Cook was an old-school pickup artist whom I’d read about in The Game. (He’s left behind pickup artistry to focus solely on self-development.)

A five-foot-eight, balding fellow-ginger, he’s hardly male-model material. But he understands that attraction is about giving women good emotions, not about a guy’s looks. Early in my dating education, I took his boot camp in San Diego. At one club, I watched Cook make out with three different women he had just met—all of them SoCal stunners, all in under ninety minutes.

While nowhere near his level at the time, I landed a fistful of phone numbers that weekend, as well as my first instant make-out, which is when you boldly walk up to a woman and, if you read the signals, start kissing in seconds. That weekend taught me that it’s not about looks.

But as men, we get hung up on this myth for a couple reasons. First, it’s societal conditioning. We’re told that good looks are paramount in dating.

Also, we tend to value physical beauty in women more than women value it in us. Why? Men are very visual—we love a pretty face and an attractive figure.

There’s also the ego factor. Nothing puffs out your chest like hearing an envious buddy say, “Dude, your girlfriend’s hot!” Because men prioritize looks, we project our preferences onto the opposite sex and assume that women see us the same way. If you’d love to date a model-caliber woman, you might assume that those women want runway-ready guys.

Now, the typical woman would be happy to have a handsome man in her life, sure—but looks are way down on her “must” list. In one poll of 64,000 women, respondents were asked what traits they want most in a male partner, and physical attractiveness didn’t even crack the top ten.

So what’s your move? Play to your strengths!

Focusing on what you think you lack will only hurt your confidence. Play to your strengths, such as your intelligence, wit, or sense of humor.

If you make a woman laugh in a flirtatious way, she’ll find you as sexy as Brad Pitt, even if you look more like Brad Garrett.

My client Jeremy had been dateless for two years before he hired me. A restaurant worker who loves Will Ferrell movies, Jeremy is no pretty boy, as he readily admits. “I look like John C. Reilly’s uglier brother,” he told me during our first meeting.

His focus on looks blinded him to his witty, weird sense of humor, which, when he harnessed it, changed his love life. He realized he could simply approach, crack a few jokes, and girls started to dig him. One day he sent me this email:

“Connell, my mind is blown! At lunch today, I approached a pro-football cheerleader. I just chatted her up at the salad bar. Had her laughing and loving me. Phone number . . . from a cheer-babe! I feel incredible.”

Looks only matter if you let them.

APPROACH WITH CHARM, NOT SMARM

At least 10 times this week I’ve seen cute girls at my gym, but I just can’t seem to approach them. The same happens when I go out at night, especially when I see a woman who’s in a group. I just feel like they’re gonna think I’m a creep, if I go up to them. How can I get the courage up to break the ice with women, because every time that I wimp out, I just feel like such a loser.

—Gary, 41, Indianapolis

You might think that it’s creepy to approach women, but in reality, it’s creepy NOT to.

Assuming, of course, that you put your best, most authentic self out there.

Here’s a quick story. When I started learning how to attract women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blond friend sat with a muscular guy.

At that point, I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend. And this guy was huge, like a bottle of Muscle Milk made corporeal. But I summoned the courage, walked over, grabbed an empty chair, and offered a warm hello.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my God! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked? “You’re normal!”

She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” Oh, and the hulking dude I was worried about? Super friendly. I traded numbers with the brunette, who was as charming as she was pretty.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. But there’s nothing creepy about approaching.

What feels creepy to women is when a guy wants to approach, yet does nothing except stare.

Think about it: You’re a man, and men (mostly) are attracted to women. There’s nothing creepy about an authentic approach, as long as you have good intentions, and are empathetic to how the woman you just approached is feeling.

My advice? Follow the Three-Second Rule

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. Begin walking toward her within three seconds of spotting her. If you delay for too long, your Lower Self will talk you out of it, filling you with doubt.

The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.

Three, two, one . . . go!

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to approach women and how to talk to girls in an authentic way. Connell has appeared on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a meeting with Connell or purchase his book here.

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