Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals his top 7 “advanced ninja dating moves” to help you figure out how to get a date with a girl when the situation seems doomed. This'll help you start thinking about how to turn situations around in your favor.
Hey, Connell. Your book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” helped me so much! I’ve destroyed approach anxiety, and I now have an abundance of dating options—and I’m doing it as the real me. I don’t even bother with cheesy “pickup” tactics.
My question? I feel I’ve developed to the point where I’d love some more advanced moves. Like, how do you approach groups? What do you do if a girl is into you, and her date shows up? And I’m also interested in sex-positive poly relationships and having a threesome. Got any advanced moves?
—J.J., 31, New York City
J.J., let me answer your question with a quick story about Katie.
I saw her in the grocery store. She was holding a yoga mat, and I noticed a pack of Camels peeking from her jean-jacket pocket. I walked up and said, “Wow, you’re a woman of contradictions. The yoga gear says ‘fitness nut,’ but the smokes say ‘emphysema.’ ”
She laughed. “Yeah, I guess I’m sending mixed signals. I’m trying to quit.”
I said, “You’re just complex, like a sexy Walt Whitman—you contain multitudes.”
She laughed. “Hi, I’m Katie,” she said, introducing herself first, a sign of interest. But I sensed some awkwardness and was about to learn why: “The thing is, I’m here with a guy I’m kinda dating—and he’s coming over right now.”
“Oh shit, and I’m hitting on you,” I said with a laugh. “No worries. Just tell him I’m your gay friend. Your GBF—your gay best friend. He’ll be fine.” She giggled and said okay.
The guy came over and looked at me with suspicion, wearing a forced smile. “Chad, this is Connell—my gay friend,” Katie said. He relaxed. I was no threat, he thought. The three of us chatted, and I learned that Katie was a fitness influencer on Instagram.
I just needed to find a way to get her number. “Katie, I recently lost all my contacts,” I said. “Can you give me your number again?” She shared her digits, and Chad was none the wiser.
I left the store and a few blocks later, my phone buzzed. “Very smooth. Nice meeting you, GBF.
Maybe I can get you to switch teams 😉 Katie.”
Look, I’m not telling you to steal a guy’s girl in front of him, but I’m not telling you NOT to. (If Katie were truly committed to him, she would have told me to buzz off, and she certainly wouldn’t have texted me.)
J.J., at this point in your dating journey, it sounds like you have all the pieces in place to enjoy a fulfilling love life as your best, most authentic self.
Still, it’s good to have some advanced knowledge, because the search for your soul mate can throw surprises your way. Plus, it can be fun to show off.
Let’s delve into some advanced dating situations, from approaching women while they’re working (baristas, store clerks, etc.), to getting a girl’s number when you barely have time to talk—in an elevator, say, or at a funeral home.
Kidding! Wait for the reception afterward.
When you have little time to talk to a girl—you’re late for work or sharing an elevator with an intriguing woman—you have to be direct but disarming. Suggest a sixty-second date.
It goes like this: “Hi, I know this is random, but you’re absolutely adorable. I have to go in a second, but how about we have a sixty-second date right now to see if we like each other? Up for it?”
It’s a bold move yet a small ask—just one minute of her time. If she’s single and likes your vibe, she’ll likely say yes. After a minute (or two), get her number for your “second” date.
According to a Kinsey Institute survey, 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women have fantasized about sex with multiple partners.
But a separate study revealed that just 18 percent of men and 10 percent of women have a hard time putting it together, like Super Bowl tickets or IKEA furniture.
The secret? You just have to ask the right way.
When I began casually dating Natalia, I decided to roll the three-sided dice.
One afternoon, I sent her a carefully crafted text: “Hey, you! You can totally say no, but I was thinking . . . I’ve never been with two women, and I’ve always wanted to experience it with the right partner. I think it would be super sensual and amazing to do it with you. Thoughts? Maybe you have a girlfriend in mind? All good either way! Just wanted to ask.”
I was nervous, but I hit “send.” Then I waited and waited. No reply after several hours. I thought I must have offended her. Damn.
Not long after midnight, as I was nodding off, my apartment buzzer rang. It was Natalia, showing up unannounced with a bottle of wine and a female friend. It was a threesome-o-gram.
If you want to have a ménage à trois, bring it up early in the dating process—after the two of you have been intimate, but before you’ve defined the relationship. Frame it as a fun, sexy adventure to experience together.
Make it an “us” thing, not a “me” thing. It’s amazing what can happen when you ask nicely.
Okay, you’re on a date, and you can feel yourself being too timid, quickly getting swallowed into the quicksand of the friend zone.
What do you do? Make an ad hominem (Latin for “to the person”) comment. In other words, a “you” statement. Say something positive and flirtatious about her (“You’re adorable…”, “That look in your eyes was R-rated…,” “You’re so sexy when you XYZ . . .”).
What you say is not that important, as long as it’s something personal about her that sends a flirtatious impulse and snaps you out of your comfort zone.
If you want to know how to get a date with a girl when she's in a group and you're not sure how to approach her, here are some quick tips. If there are four or fewer women together in a bar or club, address the entire group as a unit: “Hey, you guys look stylish tonight.” If there are five or more, approach the woman who most interests you and then have her introduce you to her friends.
Here’s what to text a woman whose number you got a few months prior, but you never followed up with, so the trail has gone cold. It’s the Reconnect Text.
“I don’t know, [name]. I feel like we’re growing apart. We never make love, or snuggle, or whisper sweet nothings in bed. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. Have we lost that lovin’ feeling? [[sad emoji]]”
She might not even remember you, but this playful salvo invites her to write back.
A few messages later, you might have your long-overdue first date on your calendar.
Every swan was once an ugly duckling, or at least felt like one.
When you’re talking to a woman whom most guys would consider a 10, ask her about her nerdy, dorky youth—and share a story or two from your nerdy high school days.
This is not a tactic to make her feel insecure. On the contrary—thanks to you, she’ll feel even sexier because you’re contrasting her present-day beauty with the pimply, braces-wearing girl she used to be. It also creates a connection.
When you’re both being real and vulnerable, you’ll stop seeing her as a number and start seeing her as a person.
If you’re a social guy with a cool lifestyle—into parties, clubbing, and travel— you can use your Instagram account to get dates.
Bragging about those things in person kills attraction, but posting photos of the “good life” on your IG feed gets women’s attention. It’s the ultimate humblebrag.
Simply post a few cool FOMO photos weekly. When you meet women, instead of swap- ping phone numbers, trade IG handles. They’ll see your well-curated life and want to become a part of it.
Hopefully, those tips helped you learn how to ask a girl for a date, how to get her number, and more. If you need help, reach out. You can book a free call here.
Connell Barrett is a men's dating coach who helps men all over the world learn how to get a date with women and eventually find their ideal match. He's a renowned dating coach who's been featured on Good Morning America, Access Hollywood, and in publications such as Maxim and Cosmopolitan. He hosts a podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend and his book Dating Sucks But You Don't can be found at major book retailers. Book a call with Connell here.
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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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