There’s so much information out there on how to approach women that it gets me stuck in my head. What do I say? What do I not say? Can you help me simplify things? I just want a simple plan that I can put into place to help me meet cool, cute women when I’m out. Help!
—Andy, 39, Toronto
I hear you, Andy. When it comes to approaching women, there’s a lot of noise out there, but very little wisdom.
So let me share some game-changing wisdom with you that will make it so much easier for you to know what to say to women, overcome approach anxiety, meets lots of wonderful women, and make sparks fly!
Get ready to use the 5 Master Steps.
When you go out to approach, you need a framework that gives you certainty and structure. Your brain craves certainty, but dating is filled with things outside of your control.
You can’t count on any given woman liking you, but you can count on a system that leads to lots of women liking you over time. Just as top athletes like LeBron James follow a routine to assure success, you need to follow an approaching routine that leads you to romantic connections.
I teach a framework that I call the Five Master Steps. When you go out, day or night, your primary goal is NOT to get “results.” Your primary goal is to follow the Five Master Steps.
This helps you focus on the process and keeps you from being creepily results-focused. (A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s “result.” She wants to be with a guy who’s genuinely enjoying her.)
Important! When you go out to apply this system, commit to a minimum amount of time—at least thirty minutes, but ideally an hour or more. Treat it like going to the gym. The more time and effort you put in, the better.
But don’t overdo it, either. Make a one-hour session following the Five Master Steps your sweet spot.
Talk to lots of women, not waiting too long between interactions.
Be you. You are enough! Your authentic self is attractive to a LOT of women.
It’s about connection, not attraction.
A number, a date, a kiss. Go for what you want.
Notice at least one awesome thing about every approach.
Let’s dig in deeper and go through all of the 5 Master Steps.
When you’re out to meet women, make sure you actually meet women! Start LOTS of conversations. Talk to someone new at least every five to ten minutes at night and every fifteen minutes during the day.
This may sound like a high bar if you’re introverted, like I am. But once you dive in and start, it’s actually easier to talk to, say, a dozen women in a night than to only approach one or two and be shoved in your head the rest of the time. Taking action gets you out of your head and gives you social momentum, unlocking your Higher Self. You become present. Additionally, it helps you learn how to talk to beautiful woman without being intimidated.
In a perfect world, you won’t approach the entire time. You’ll hit it off with a woman you like and hang with her. But if this doesn’t happen at first, don’t sweat it. Stick to the steps and go home feeling incredible for being a man of action who’s getting better with women every day.
When you follow this first step and open conversations with a lot of girls—I’m talking five to ten in one hour in a busy bar at night—you’ll notice a shift in your psychology.
What happens is, the fearful part of your brain switches off, and you see true opportunity rather than false danger. This leads to bolder actions and some badass benefits. You enter a fearless flow state that feels like being slightly drunk, yet you’re completely clear-headed. It’s your Higher Self fully activated, and it’s addictive.
When you “open often” and get into a nice flow state, cool things happen. I dated a woman in L.A. whom I’d met when I approached her at a cocktail party at a W Hotel. After our first night together, we were lying in bed and she said, “I was so impressed the way you came right up to me, even though I was with Mike,” referring to a burly guy friend she had been talking to when I first said hello. The truth is, I barely even noticed Mike—at least, not as a threat. I could only see the upside.
Again, your Lower Self will try to talk you out of that first approach. Simply decide to take action. You’re more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting.
Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you. Here are three ways to do that.
• Be Man-to-Woman. Flirt. Let her know you’re interested. That said . . .
• Be sincere. Not everything has to be a “move.” Quite the opposite. M-W is the pepper in the dish. The main course is your authentic personality. Because (all together now) you are enough.
• Be fun. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. Dating should be fun, and so should approaching. This will help you a lot, both in terms of enjoying the process and hitting it off with the kinds of women you’re attracted to.
If you go out, flirt a bit, be sincere, and have fun on your own terms—that’s really all you have to do! It can be that simple.
Most guys are not their true selves with women, and they’re trying to take rather than give. Not you. You’re that rare guy who approaches her with the intention to give, not to take. You’re at her level. The guy who offers authentic value.
And when you give to women, women love to give back.
When you are thinking of what to say to women keep it at an emotional level. Look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.
Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.
If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor makeout. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.
One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client Michael, thirty, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.
“What happened?” I asked.
“I screwed up,” he said. “It was going great, but I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”
“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?” “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.”
“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!”
He reapproached her. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I saw her look up, listen, smile, and extend her hand, asking for his phone. Numbers exchanged, date set.
Your Lower Self will try to talk you out of taking risks. Don’t let it. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!
After every approach—whether it lasted three seconds or three hours—appreciate at least one great thing about it. A joke you made, a lesson you learned. Or, if you got blown out, see something funny in it.
Approaching success is largely about managing your emotions, and Step 5 keeps you focused on the positive and empowering rather than on judging yourself. What you focus on is what you will feel, so focus on something empowering.
Do. Not. Skip. This. Step. If you do, you’ll turn into Judge Judy, finding every flaw, real or imagined, in your interactions. I know. I did that for years. Remember: Every approach is a win. No self-judgment allowed.
These are the Five Master Steps. This tested system assures that you’ll meet lots of women as the real you. If you apply it, it’s hard not to hit it off with some wonderful women.
Dating coach for guys, Connell Barrett, helps men all over the world find the women of their dreams by connecting authentically. Connell is a trusted dating coach appearing on shows including The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and Good Morning America to name a few. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to break into the dating scene successfully with authenticity. Get the book here. Listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend here. Book a free discovery call with Connell here.
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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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