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The Top 10 Flirting Mistakes You Make… and 10 Instant Fixes!

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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If you struggle to flirt with women, guess what: You’re likely making some common flirting mistakes, and you don’t even know it! If you fall into any of these 10 flirting traps, you’ll get ghosted or friend-zoned. But if you FIX these flirting mistakes, you'll start making sparks fly and find your dream girlfriend. Dating coach Connell Barrett shares the 10 most common flirting mistakes men make, and he gives you 10 instant fixes—so you can flirt with confidence and authenticity, with ZERO pickup-artist sleaziness. Listen now!




"All it took was a bit of small talk, sharing our names, our stories, our vulnerabilities—simple steps to meaningful connections.”

-Connell Barrett

Spice up conversations by discussing your loves and hates, adding depth and interest to your dialogue."

-Connell Barrett

Featured in the episode

Connell Barrett
Founder and Executive Coach of DatingTransformation


00:00 - Introduction
01:52 - Mastering Confident Flirting: Tips to Captivate and Attract
05:06 - Delicately Inquiring About Her Kissing Preferences
09:03 - Elevate Your Dating Journey: Embrace Confidence Coaching
10:44 - Timing Matters: Appreciation Interplays with Woman's Perception
15:11 - Authenticity in Communication: Keeping It Genuine, Vulnerable
18:10 - Embracing Innocence: How a Pure Approach Resonates
20:55 - The Power of Physical Touch in Flirting: Balancing Calibration
25:30 - Flattery: Finding the Sweet Spot for Genuine Connection
28:37 - Playful Banter: Teasing and Joking with Subtle Accusations
32:01 - Emotional Depth: Initiating Connections through Feelings
36:23 - Unwind and Engage: Let Your Authentic Self Guide Conversations
37:22 - Mastering Conversations: Navigating with the 80 20 Rule
38:40 - Outro

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She's cute, say you're cute. If you think she's sexy, tell her she's sexy. If she's turning you on, on a date, I should say, don't do this at work.


Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm a real life hitch. I help guys flirt with confidence and attract their dream girlfriends all by being authentic. No pickup artist tricks needed. And I have a very special episode for you today because in today's episode, you're gonna learn the 10 biggest flirting mistakes that men make. And I'm also gonna give you 10 tips to fix them on during this episode so that you can confidently make sparks fly with women. So basically, 20 tips packed into 20 or so minutes.

Let me ask you, do you run out of things to say with women? Are you unsure how to flirt? Well, these ten tips are gonna help you break the ice, flirt with confidence, and attract some really cool cute girls. Just like 100 of my clients have done, I've used some of these same floors, I've used all of these same floating moves, and I used a couple of them, to attract my incredible girlfriend, Jess, into my life. So, let's do it. Let's count down the 10 biggest flirting fails that guys make, And stick around till the very end because the number one biggest flirting mistake, when you fix this one, you're never again gonna run out of things to say. Okay. Here we go. Flirting fail number 10 is getting stuck into interview mode. Here's the thing about interview mode.

The real problem with interview mode isn't that you're asking questions. The real problem with interview mode is that the questions you ask are very likely logical, informational, boring questions. Where are you from? When did you graduate? What do you do? How long have you worked at that firm? And that is what's hurting you. Not so much that you're asking too many questions, it's that you're asking bad questions or boring questions. Because I wanna bust a myth for you right now. Here it is. Let's bust a myth. Interview mode is a good thing.

I want you to get into interview mode as long as your interview questions are good questions that are increasingly flirtatious and then make her feel the feels. So don't be afraid of interview mode. Be afraid of boring informational questions you ask while, quote, interviewing her. So here are 5 great fun, flirty questions you can ask a woman right away. It could be on a date or a woman you've met out approaching. Here we go, and I want you to ask these 5 questions in this order. Now don't ask them all 1 at a time, like back to back. You wanna have a little room in between, but here are the 5 questions to ask.

Number 1, if we could be transported anywhere in the world right now, where would we go? Think about that. What a great question that is. This gets her focused on the 2 of you as a couple. You say we. Now she's thinking about a trip with you. It's a great question. Number 2, what do you love to do in bed besides the obvious? So this is a great sex adjacent question, but you're not actually making it about sex. Maybe she likes to read in bed or watch TV or chill out with her cat.



It's a great question to be moving towards something more romantic and sexual, but you're not being sexual. You're not being vulgar. Question number 3. Do you like to be the big spoon or the little spoon? Now this is flirty, but it's g rated. It's not about sex. It's about spooning. It's about snuggling, which is a great question to ask. Question number 4 is, what was your first kiss like? Now this gets her to be a bit more vulnerable because she'll tell you her first kiss story, and then you can share your first kiss story.

So this question allows you to talk about something romantic in an, again, non vulgar, nonsexual way. Just be ready to share your first kiss story after she shares hers. By the way, quick tip. For any question that you ask a woman to avoid coming off as too interviewee, too interrogating, all you gotta do is answer that question yourself after she answers it too. This helps to make it an exchange of 2 people sharing info, not a peer interrogation. Okay. And, flirty question number 5, this is a great one. I love this.

You ask her, so do you like a kiss to be a surprise, or do you like to see it coming? Now for this last one, this is a great one to ask late on a first date when you're thinking, oh man, how do I get that kiss? How do I kiss her? And no matter what her answer is, you can now lean in and kiss her. Because if she says, oh, I love being surprised, then you lean in and say, surprise while you go for the kiss. Or if she says, oh, I I I don't wanna be surprised. I wanna see it coming. Then you can just lean in and say, okay. Here it comes. And the other four questions you've asked have stair stepped the 2 of you to this flirtatious romantic place, so you're not kissing her at a random moment out of nowhere. You've led up to it with these increasingly flirtatious questions.

Okay. Back to the main list. Flirting fail number 9 is pretending to be somebody you're not. Never put on some fake alpha alpha male bad boy mask, like so many of the toxic pickup dudes who are out there on YouTube, especially on Reddit, some podcasts as well, mainly YouTube. I won't name names, but they're covered in tattoos, or they're former pickup guys who are trying to brand themselves as dating gurus about connection. Don't listen to them. Don't be something you're not. You can't keep that up.

So don't try to be what you think she wants. Don't be a fake pickup alpha male bad boy. Don't put on some kind of mask that is trying to impress her. I once told a woman who I was very into on a date. I was trying to impress her. She was all about hiking and adventure, and she went scuba diving in the Caribbean and stuff. So I thought, she's not gonna like me. So I had to so I started making stuff up, on our date.

I told her I was taking pilot lessons. Total bullshit. I told her I swam with sharks off the coast of Costa Rica. I was just absolutely full of it. And I wasn't lying to deceive her. I suppose I was, but I wasn't trying to deceive her so much as I was just trying to be attractive to her, get her to like me. And she could tell I was full of it, and she friendzoned me. I don't know if she knew I was lying, but she could just tell that I did not, that the picture didn't add up.

It wasn't until about 6 months later when she gave me another shot. Her name's Lauren was her name is and was Lauren. It wasn't until about 6 months later when we went on we went on a date, a second, like, a second chance date, almost like another first date. And it was on that second chance date I was truly authentic with her. I was radically authentic. I was myself. I was a smart ass. Because look, I'm not a rugged outdoorsy guy.



I'm a nerdy, Star Wars loving, witty on my good day guy. Kind of a cool dork is what I am. And turns out she liked my dorky, nerdy, witty side. She liked my smartassness. She liked my cool nerd vibes, and we ended up hitting it off on that date. It went amazing. It was a total game changer.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at dating transformation.comforward/contact, and grab a time that works for you. You.

Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

So the fix for this failure is to be radically authentic. Showcase your true personality, your real self. Women wanna meet you, and women are attracted to you. Basically, your mom was right all along. Girls like you for you. Okay. Flirting fail number 8 is not going for the first kiss on a first date. You will never lose a girl if you go for a kiss on a date, at least not if you go for it in a reasonably normal way.

Even if a girl turns the cheek, you're still gonna get points for trying Because so often a woman turns the cheek not because she doesn't like you, she's just not ready yet. It might be a little soon for her. She might need a little bit more time to warm up, but she says, hey. At least this is a guy who's going for it. So be the guy who goes for it as long as you do it with empathy and noticing how she's feeling. So here's a good fix for this failure. If you're nervous about going for the first kiss, don't ask her, can I kiss you? I don't like that. It sounds a little too timid.

Don't wanna you don't wanna seek permission in a, you know, supplicating way. Instead, you can say to her, I wanna kiss you. Make it an I want statement. There's something really sexy to women about a man who just says what he wants, And then notices how she responds. When you say, I wanna kiss you, does she giggle? Does she blush? Does she say, what are you waiting for? Boom. You've got your green light and you've done it in a really cool, attractive way. If she says, oh, I never kiss on the 1st date. Or if she pulls back, if she's a little bit uncomfortable, then don't kiss her.

That's okay too. You've just given her the gift of noticing how she's feeling and adjusting your behavior, which is so attractive to women, and she's going to appreciate it, and she might be totally down to make out with you later or on the second date. She's gonna appreciate that you are noticing how she's feeling. So it's almost like a kiss test. Say, I wanna kiss you. Say it with some confidence. Say it with a nice, attracted, sly little grin, And there's a good chance you'll be kissing her. And even if you don't, you've paved the way for when you do go for that first kiss a little bit later.

Okay. Flirting fails number 7, using canned scripted lines or just being too gamey. Think about listening to dating podcasts or watching YouTube gurus. All there's just so much content out there. And sometimes when a guy starts working on his dating life, it's easy for you to just get a little too into the game thing. And I fell into this trap myself, many, many years ago when I was working with a coach, or I was working with multiple coaches. I walked up to a woman, and I had a really great genuine opener. I walked up to a woman in the daytime at a mall outdoor outdoor shopping center.

And I walked up to this beautiful woman and I said, hey. I just saw you. I'm in a really good mood, and I wanted to share it with you. And her face lit up. It lit up. It was one of the best responses I've ever gotten from a cold approach in the daytime. Like, she was loving me. She's oh my god.

Thank you. You're that amazing. Oh my God. Thank you for coming up to me. She loved it. Then for the next 2 minutes, I proceeded to play a game. I played a game with her. I did a nag.

I did a tease. I did shtick. I told the story. I said a thing I did at this back flip forward flip, upside down, reverse move. And I could tell I could see every second I was talking to her using a game. I could see her lose interest. About 2 minutes passed and she finally said, well, it was nice meeting you. Bye.

She had lost all interest in me. 2 minutes earlier, she was looking at me like I, you know, was Leonardo DiCaprio. Now she was looking at me like I was the world's biggest weirdo. Creep. And that's a great lesson. That was a great lesson for me. And the lesson was just freaking normal. Be genuine.

Take that chance. Say something to break the ice. In my case, it was just, hey. I wanna meet you. I'm in a great mood. And then just be genuine. So here's the fix for this fail: this goes for approaching, but even on a date or any conversation, keep things genuine. Speak your deepest truth.

Speak a genuine deep truth as long as it's not vulgar. K? Keep it g rated, but keep speak your deepest g rated truth. Just make in other words, just chit chat, and be honest and truthful. Because the truth is I was putting on this pickup artist veneer thinking I had to do good game at her. All I need to do all I would have needed to have done was just make some small talk with her, get her name, share my name, let her know what I was up to today, what I was shopping for, learn a little bit about her, just being vulnerable. And then maybe saying something really truthful, like, oh, by the way, you're really pretty. I'm kinda nervous right now, which is true. I was using that pickup GameStop because I was nervous, and I thought I needed that armor.

Instead, I guess, I want you to take off that armor and just be vulnerable. Speak your deepest g rated truth. Just make it a simple conversation. And I could have just said, hey. You know what? I'm kinda nervous. Here's the moment of truth, but, man, I'd love to take you on a date. Would you like to get a glass of wine with me later? And based on her initial reaction, she probably would have said yes because I had made her day. So speak your deepest truth.



Be vulnerable. Say what's on your mind, even if you're nervous, even if you're introverted. Great way to approach a woman is to say something like, again, make sure you mean it. Don't do it as a move. Do it because it's real. But you walk up and say, hey. I'm actually pretty shy, and I never do this, but I just saw you and I had to meet you. You're really cute.

Girls love that. They love it. It makes them feel like they're talking to, you know, Hugh Grant in a rom com. Adorable and fumbling, but taking a shot at love. It is so adorable. So, when in doubt, be truthful, be vulnerable, speak those honest thoughts, and drop all that game stuff. 90% of it drops. Sometimes you need a little bit, but not too much.

Okay. Flirting fails number 6. Excuse me. Okay. Flirting fails number 6, getting too sexual too soon. Early interactions with a woman should be light. It should be think g rated early and think r rated late, very late on a date or at least later on a date. So, yeah, here's a quick story to exemplify this.

I remember I approached a really cool woman, I'll call her Amanda, many years ago. Very beautiful, blonde graduate student studying dance at a school, NYU, and I walked up to her. She was walking out of Forever 21, and I walked up and said, hey. I just wanna meet you. You're adorable. And again, she loved it. Very direct, very disarming. And after a date, we met.

So we met in real life. And at one point, she said to me, by the way, you know what I loved about how you approached me? It was so innocent. That was the word she used. It was really innocent, and that felt so good. She said this to me while we were in bed, and we had just gotten done having our first night together, having sex, intimacy. And we had a really hot, sexy night. We basically had sex on pretty much every piece of furniture in my apartment, And I just thought it was really interesting after thinking about it, how we had just had a very amazing x rated night. But what she remembered, why she liked me at first was it was so g rated early.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Connell Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Getting dating sucks, but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

So keep that in mind. You can get sexy, sexual later. Early in a conversation, early on in a date, definitely with an approach. Don't make it sexual early. Keep it g rated. Keep it light. Keep it innocent, because this woman, Amanda, basically was one of a few different women who basically gave me the same feedback. I just love how she said it.



She's like, oh, I loved how innocent you were. And even though we had just been very not innocent in bed, it started off innocent. So think g rated early and, think because you can get r rated and x x rated later. Okay. Flirting fails number 5, failing to break the touch barrier. It's okay to physically touch a woman as long as you do it in the right way, as long as you're noticing how she feels using empathy, calibrating. But remember, if you never touch a woman at all, you're not really sending her those flirtatious, man, woman vibes. Most women like at least a little bit of physical touch, even just a little bit.

Even if it's just a hug hello, and maybe later you hold hands, and then maybe you go for the kiss. There's gotta be almost always some kind of physical touch, a little bit. Some women love a lot of it, some women less so. Almost all women want at least a little bit of it. So think of it this way. Here's the fix. Think of physical touch like a 4 quarter football game, and let's think about a date. K? 1st date or this goes for, like, a nice long conversation after an approach, which is basically a first date.

So first date, Q1, physical touch will be things like high fives, light tap on the shoulder or the knee. 2nd quarter, arm over her shoulder, maybe whispering in her ear. 3rd quarter, baby holds her hand, brushes the hair out of her eyes. 4th quarter, going for that kiss. That's essentially what the physical connection and then kinda escalating up these stair steps can look like. Alright. Flirting fails at number 4, lacking romantic clarity with your words. You're a man.

Use your words. Men use their words. Men are direct, at least can be direct. So you can tell a girl if she's cute, say you're cute. If you think she's sexy, tell her she's sexy. If she's turning you on on a date, I should say, don't do this at work. Don't do this at work. But in the right romantic context, if she's saying you're doing something that you find a turn on, you can let her know that it's turning you on or that you really like it.

So here's a really good fix. I've shared this tip before, but it's so expensive. It's so great. Give her a sexy compliment. Use the word sexy in a compliment that you give her, and I want the thing that you compliment and find sexy to be nonphysical. In other words, not about her body or her curves or her eyes. Make it a trait. Make it something she does or something that's more about her essence.

For example, I was once on a first date and this woman had this incredible laugh. She's a Latina. She's from Peru, and she just had a really sexy accent, but also a really lovely laugh. And I remember saying, hey. You know what's really sexy about you? You have this incredible laugh. I mean, I love your accent, but I love your laugh even more. It's so lilting and feminine. I could just see her sort of swoon when I said that.

And you could compliment a woman for her sense of humor, her generosity, if she has a job that really makes her a generous person. You could compliment her for her presence, her goofy, silly sense of humor, anything. It could be small. But, yeah, letting her know that something about her is sexy, that elevates you above all the other guys in the world who are either afraid to call her sexy, and that's no good, or they just say, hey, you're hot. You got a great body. Your eyes are amazing. That's lame. That's mediocre.

You're that rare guy. You're the 1% of men who say, you know what's really sexy about you, Emily? You have such a good storyteller, and you're so confident in the way you told that story about what happened to you and your trip to France. I was on the edge of my seat. I love articulate conversationalists. It's really sexy. Boom. You just told her that something really true and internal about her is sexy and beautiful. Every other guy is just fawning over her looks.



You're letting her know there's something deeper that's beautiful, and, wow, women love that. Okay. Flirting fail number 3 is fawning over her. Fawning. Basically telling her too many times how gorgeous or amazing or incredible she is in a way that's where it's not really earned. So sometimes when a guy like you learns about quote unquote dating moves, game, call it what you will, he goes from not putting any romantic intent out there to putting too much out there, and that can come across as fawning. So beware of fawning. Fawning is, oh my god.

You're so beautiful. How could I even be with somebody like you? I mean, I'm so lucky to be with you. You must get hit on all the time. You're incredible. You're amazing. And that fawning, what that does is that puts a woman, makes her feel like she's on a pedestal above you. All of a sudden, she's Taylor Swift, and you're one of her roadies. Taylor Swift does not date the roadie.

Taylor Swift dates the tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. Or it's like the queen. The queen does not date the court jester. He does not date a prince. The queen is looking for the king. Right? So don't fawn over women. What you wanna do instead is if you catch yourself fawning, then do the opposite. Give her a look for an organic, authentic moment to tease her.

Give her a little playful tease. Crack a joke about what a dork she is or, tell her why it won't work out with you and her. Again, as a joke. Maybe she laughs and she snorts. She has a snort laugh. And you might say, oh my god. Do you snort laughs? Oh my god. You sound like Miss piggy.

Oh my god. It's not gonna work out with us. I'm sorry. Maybe maybe we should get the check. It's a joke. You're saying it with a smile. And it's that playful push, that playful tease that sends the message to her that, hey, this guy is playful tease that sends the message to her that, hey, this guy is not afraid to tease me, to joke with me, so I'm not above him. Basically, you want her to feel like you're not on a pedestal above you.

You're both on an equal playing field. You're both awesome, incredibly wonderful, dateable people. It's just about your connection as people. So, instead of fawning, give her a fun little tease. I remember on my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, we got into this fun, flirty little role play or yeah. I guess you call it flirty. This fun role play where my book had just come out, Dating Sucks But You Don't, had just come out when I met her when I first met her. And I remember, I teased her about her being there. There's a movie from the nineties called Misery, a famous Stephen King movie, where this woman kidnaps a famous writer, kind of abducts him and keeps him locked up in a room.

So I was teasing and joking with her about, oh, like, oh, I. I'm worried that you're gonna try to, you know, abduct me tonight, drug me, and lock me up in a room. And she said, oh, yeah. I'm totally gonna do that. I've been planning that. And I kept joking about it together about how she was stalking me. And so that is a fun way that we were playing together. Instead of me just fawning about how pretty, beautiful she is, how funny and witty she is, I certainly said that a little bit to her, but I also was teasing and joking about her accusing her of being drugged and killing me. And, that's something that most men probably never said to her.



Okay. Flirting fail number 2 is this is a pretty simple one. Being boring. Flirting fail number 2 is just being boring. What's the biggest cause of being bored? It's, it's talking about topics in that logical informational way instead of a more emotional, emotionally compelling way. And don't think like you have to be super funny. It's not so much about being the wittiest, funniest guy in the world. In fact, a good fix for this, if you find your conversation is boring or that she seems like she's not that invested in what you're saying, it's probably because you're speaking logically, purely informationally.

So here's some things you can do to make your conversation less boring and more compelling. You can talk about why you love or hate a given thing that you're talking about and use that word. Use the word love. Use the word hate. You're talking about a movie. Right? Oh, my God. I love that movie, but I hated that performance. Right? Or maybe that maybe you're on a date with a woman and you went to the same college.

A mistake a lot of men might make is talking purely informationally about the college. Oh, when did you graduate? What did you study? Did you take this class? Blah blah blah. That can come across as boring. Instead, what was your favorite part? What did you love most about college? What did you hate about it? What classes did you love and hate? A big part of being compelling in your conversation with women is a full range of expression. Love love love, hate hate hate. Now mostly, it should be more love than hate. We don't, we basically want to be positive. You don't wanna be a super negative guy on a date hating everything.

But it's okay to hate a couple things. Right? It's okay to say, what? You were in a sorority? Oh my god. I hate sorority girls. I don't think it's gonna work out between us. And then go back to saying, oh, but seriously though, I love that you went back to grad school and blah blah blah. So you can make your conversation less boring and more compelling by literally using the words love and hate and explaining why you love and hate love or hate something. Or another version of this or a related version or an adjacent tip would be using the word I feel or using the words I feel a lot. This makes your conversation less logical and informational, and it primes your brain to speak from a more emotional place.

So start sentences on a date or in a conversation with a woman or texting by saying, oh, here's how I feel about blankness. How do you feel about blank spaces? Literally using the word feel, feel, feel helps your brain get out of that logical informational zone into that more feelings based zone. And that's the chord that we wanna strum in women is that emotional chord. Yeah. I can't tell you how many times a woman shared some fact with me on a date or a conversation, and I simply said, well, how'd that feel? How'd that feel when you got the promotion? How did that feel when you won your first case as a lawyer? How do you feel about karaoke for a second date? Feel, feel, feel. Women love the feels, and so will you. That'll feel better to you than just speaking about logic, facts, and figures. And number 1, the number one biggest flirting fail, This is number 1.

It's the biggest thing that guys mess up, in conversation and flirting. It is making your conversational bar too high. In other words, feeling like you have to have the wittiest, coolest, best content of conversation. A lot of guys think, oh, my conversational skills have to be amazing. It's gotta be witty, funny, flirtatious, charismatic, great stories. Say the funny thing. Oh my god. That absolutely crushes your presence and your confidence because all of a sudden the bar is so high and it's almost impossible to cross that bar.



Trying to quote up your game, straining to be clever, straining to say witty things, it just creates tension. It makes you try hard. If it gets you it keeps you from being relaxed. Oh, man. It's tough. It's really tough. So don't think that you need to have this amazing content. You're not doing a TED talk when you're when you're talking to a woman.

You're not doing a stand up comedy set. Lower the bar for how good you think your words are, your conversation needs to be. Here's the rule I'm gonna give you. Here's the fix. Follow the 80 20 rule. What is the 80 20 rule? 80% of your conversation with a woman on a date or texting or you've just approached her and you're having a conversation at the bar, at the coffee shop, 80% of it should just be normal, sincere chit chat. You being yourself, I give you permission to be almost boring. I dare you to try to bore a woman.

I want you to lower the bar. 80% of your conversation should just be sincere and normal, genuine, kinda like I'm doing right now. And then 20% of what you say can and should be, let's say, up to 20%, can be a flirtatious comment, a compliment, a tease, a little, a little physical touch, Some of these flirting moves I talk about. Think of it like 80-20. 80% just be normal. Genuine, sincere, normal. 20%, you can find the witty line or the flirty thing or the tease, or the statement of romantic interest when you're flirting with a woman. So, like, going back to an earlier tip, when I said give her that sexy compliment, that's an example of the 20%.

Or when I said tease her, that's an example of the 20%, but it's only 20%. 80% of it is just you being normal, being chill. Lower this bar. This is gonna set you free. This will set you free. Paradoxically, because all of a sudden the pressure is gonna be off. 80% of what you say can just be you being chill, talking about you, talking about her. How's your day? How's your life? Keep it normal.

And then 20% can be a bit more flirty and man to woman. And paradoxically, this will improve your conversation flow because you'll be more relaxed, you'll be more chilled, the bar is lower, and all of a sudden, your more authentically, naturally clever charismatic side will start to arise organically because the pressure is off. Like, think about how you are when you're with your really good friends or somebody who you're really close to and very comfortable with. Whoever that is, think of that person. Maybe it's a good friend. Maybe it's a sibling. Do you notice how fun and often funny and just awesome you are with them in conversation? Well, that's because you're not trying to say the right thing. Why do you run out of things to say with women? Because you've got this really hard filter that says everything I say has to be amazing, witty, funny.

No. It doesn't. 20% of the things you say have to be a little bit kind of emotionally compelling. 80%, just be normal, like you are with your friends. So follow the 80 20 rule, so you stop running out of things to say. And, you can just let yourself go and you'll be more conversational, you'll be more attractive to women. It's actually more attractive to women for a guy who's following the 80-20 rule than a guy who is just hitting her with tons of good content. Remember my story from earlier, the woman who I approached, all she needed was that first good confident opening line, and she was super into me.



Then I hit her with all this great content and she lost attraction for me. I needed to follow the 8020 rule, which I have done ever since. So, yeah, follow the 80 20 rule. This will help you never run out of things to say again, and it'll just make you more compelling, more natural, more confident, and more attractive. Okay. That is the end of today's episode. Remember your future awesome, loving, wonderful girlfriend, She's out there and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real you.

Talk soon.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to See you next time.



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Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

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