It’s the age-old question: “What do women want from men?” If you’ve ever had your approach rejected, or you THOUGHT a date went great but then she ghosts … well, you know what it’s like to struggle with how to read women.
Special guest and TV celebrity Dr. Viviana Coles is here to help! Dr. Viviana is a sex and relationship coach who spent seven seasons as the expert on Lifetime’s “Married at First Sight.” Her mission? To help YOU have the most fulfilling intimate relationship—including great sex—of your life.
On today’s Dating Transformation Podcast, Connell asks the brilliant Dr. Coles to “crack the code” on how to read and connect with women, and she does not disappoint. In this episode, Viviana will teach you what women want from men, and she’ll show you…
Also, she’ll explain why penis size does NOT matter nearly as much as you think, and what matters to women instead.
Listen now, to go from feeling confused by what women want from men, to knowing exactly what women want from men… so you can attract (and keep!) an amazing woman.
It's time to become the kind of man every woman wants, without changing who you are.
TO GET DR. VIVIANA COLES’ BOOK OR LEARN ABOUT HER COACHING:
SIGN UP FOR HER NEWSLETTER FOR TIPS, ADVICE, AND INFO ON HER UPCOMING COACHING PROGRAMS, FOR SINGLES AND COUPLES:
"In dating, you need to be polite and have some tact, but other than that, authenticity is most important."- Dr. Viviana Coles
"I want to help people round out their intimacy style."- Dr. Viviana Coles
Featured in this episode:
Dr. Viviana Coles, President and Lead Psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy, President of the National Sex Therapy Institute, Director of Intimate Connections at Erosante Luxury Retreats, Resident Intimacy Expert at Bloomi, and Certified Sex Therapist. Featured on "Married at First Sight."
Connell Barrett, Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation
Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach who's helped thousands of men all over the world find their soulmates while dating with integrity and authenticity. His Dating Transformation podcast gives valuable tools and tips from industry experts on how to get a girlfriend. You can find Connell’s book, Dating Sucks But You Don’t, in bookstores nationwide.
01:52 Dr. Coles' background
07:50 What happened on Dr. Coles' first date with her husband?
10:34 The Intimacy Quiz
17:24 Connell & Viviana discuss coaching
20:34 Thoughts on couples who have less intimacy
24:50 What makes men attractive to women?
27:04 What is the problem with the provider-mentality among men?
33:11 Tips for single men
35:36 What men get wrong on dates
40:05 What makes a great date?
51:30 Dr. Coles' upcoming couples retreat
Produced by Heartcast Media.
Connell Barrett: Okay. We are back and I am so excited to be joined today by a very special guest here during launch week, Dr. Viviana Coles, who is America's intimacy expert. Her mission is that she wants to help you have the most fulfilling, intimate relationship of your life. You probably know her as the sex and relationship expert from her seven seasons spent as the sex and relationship expert on Lifetime's Married at First Sight. She's a doctor of marriage and family therapy and a certified sex therapist, and she's also an author. Now she has a new book out called The Four Intimacy Styles: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy, which I just ordered on her website. Dr. Viviana dot com. That's all spelled out, by the way. And then if you want to get some tips, some advice from her, and just find out about her programs, you can sign up for her newsletter at HoustonRelationshipTherapy.com. She's a star. I'm psyched to have her here for launch week. Dr. Viviana. Welcome to the Dating Transformation Podcast.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Congratulations on the Dating Transformation Podcast. I know you're going to help so many people, and I'm glad to be a part of that mission.
Connell Barrett: I appreciate that so much. I love what I do. I love helping men and women connect and find ways to come together and well, hey, let's get into it. And let me start by saying that I'm a comic book nerd from back in the day. I love a good origin story. I love finding out how Peter Parker became Spider-Man, and how Diana became Wonder Woman. How did you become Dr. Viviano? When and why did you decide to become an intimacy and sex expert? What's your origin story?
Dr. Viviana Coles: You know, I wish it was something kind of wild, but I guess I guess in my case, the only wild part of it was that I would have never guessed that I would be sitting where I'm sitting, working in the capacity that I happen to be in. I always just wanted to be a therapist and I wanted to know that I wanted to talk for a living because I love it. I enjoy it. People tend to not want me to shut up most of the time. So I knew I wanted to talk a lot very early on, like my junior year of high school. I figured out, okay, this is the path that I'm on. And then I just went for it. So I graduated from college in three years. I did my master's in two years. I slowed down a lot once I got to my doctoral studies because I met my husband. We ended up getting pregnant three months later. We had our first child. It wasn't until our second was I was seven months pregnant with our second that I graduated. And that was like the deadline was ticking. I knew that if I didn't do it, then I probably wasn't going to get my doctorate at all. But I was just like, I'm very driven. I'm kind of like, on a train. That's me. I just go for it. And sometimes it can take a little longer than expected. I do expect that life will get in the way, but usually, I'm just very intentional with what I do, and that has led me to say yes to everything. I'm that person who's like, You want me to try that? Great, let's try this and see if that helps people. Oh. What about this? I have this idea. Okay, let's try this and see if that helps people. I'm not a very I'm not shy person, and I don't tend to shy away from ideas and creativity. I'm not a very anxious or scared person, but it does make it so that I have my hands in a whole lot of different things all the time. And that's pretty much always been the case.
Connell Barrett: So you're a yes woman and you say yes a lot?
Dr. Viviana Coles: I do. I say yes a lot. If it's relevant, if it's classy, if it's professional. I'm going to go for it.
Connell Barrett: You're like, what's that Jim Carrey movie? Yes, man. Where he just decided to say yes to the world and all these opportunities opened up. I love that.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yes, it does. It feels like ever since I decided to be a therapist, I just kind of rolled into being a relationship therapist and then a sex therapist because I wanted to be able to help couples. And I knew that they might have some sexual issues. I didn't think it was going to be a big part of my professional identity. I honestly thought it was just going to be a tool kit, you know, like something in my toolkit. But it was one of those things where once I started putting it out there on my business card.
Connell Barrett: Business cards, what are those?
Dr. Viviana Coles: Haha, like they do exist? A line just started like a line just started forming for my practice. And before I knew it, I needed to bring on interns and associates to help the needy. And this is in Houston. I'm from Houston. I have my practice in Houston. We're a huge city. And there were still very few people, you know, 27 this would have been around 26, 27, very few people who are marketing and certified a sex therapist. And I couldn't believe it. So it just happened out of necessity. The need grew. And then all of a sudden, you know, production companies are contacting me and I'm saying yes to live television spots, which I enjoy. We were talking about kind of this just being a go-with-the-flow. Whatever happens, happens. That's what I'm used to. I like that. So I would just I was just getting a lot of, you know, connections with production companies, but nothing was ever coming of it. No shows ever came out of that. It took me about 4 to 5 years to finally get to a place where I was actually on TV. So don't give up if that's what. And it wasn't necessarily a dream of mine, but for all of you out there who were like, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get to this place. Don't give up. Be very tenacious if you want it. If it's right for you, just keep at it.
Connell Barrett: Yeah, that resilience is really important in dating and relationships. I would imagine I'm more of a dating expert than a relationship expert, but I tell my clients, I say basically, you want to be very authentic, put that best true self out there, but also be resilient. You're going to have dates where you aren't a fit and maybe it's going to take you a while to find that incredible soulmate partner. But when you meet her, it's going to be so worth it. If you keep staying resilient, keep at it. Sounds like you're saying something similar.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Absolutely. Absolutely. I think that so many people think that they struggle with adapting to what it is that their potential partner needs or even just on a date. They almost feel like, well, let me see what it feels like to try on this different persona, to try on being somebody who's a lot more laid back than I normally am or somebody who's a lot more fastidious than I normally am. And I'm like, No, don't try anything on. It's ultimately not going to fit well. Like, you need to feel like you can breathe around this person. You need to feel like you can say whatever's on your mind. You need to be polite and have some tact, but other than that, yeah, authenticity is so important.
Connell Barrett: Okay. I'm a dating coach. I've got to ask you, tell me about your first date with the man who became your husband.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Well, we have a little bit of an interesting background. So I was 12 and he was 13.
Connell Barrett: Okay.
Dr. Viviana Coles: We met on our first day of school and we lucked out.
Connell Barrett: That's amazing.
Dr. Viviana Coles: It was not that innocent.
Connell Barrett: And so you were 12, 13 years old when you met your now husband.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yes. And we immediately became an item as much as you can. This is back when, you know, first of all, I come from a Latino background and my family was not going to be okay with me having a boyfriend so there was no going out on dates. Really. It was just a lot of talking at school or hanging out at school. You know, this is back when.
Connell Barrett: We were like sharing them, sharing milk, sharing milk, or playing on it. Playing on the playground, I would imagine.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yeah. I mean, it was a little more grown-up than that, but absolutely. Like, I just remember feeling. Wow. This is love. I learned how to spot real love very early on. And we were together for about a year and a half. It's almost impossible to be with somebody if your parents aren't. First of all, don't want to be in a relationship and you don't have a car and you don't have a cell phone. I mean, this is a rare time. And so we grew apart and then we were apart for ten years. We had our own lives and had no contact. And then there was a reunion. And throughout that reunion event, we were just talking and talking and talking. And it seemed like no time had passed. And six months later, we eloped.
Connell Barrett: That's incredible. That's the most adorable meet-cute story I've ever heard. And the youngest.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Well, and I have to say, it doesn't get old for us either, because now we have kids that are around that age and we're we are constantly reminded, like, how cool is it that we ended up, you know, that our love story, our first loves, our first kisses were with each other, are now hopefully our last. You know, that's the plan.
Connell Barrett: Gotcha. That's great. All right, great. I feel like I unearthed a scoop here. How, how? How young and innocent you were when you met. I love that. Um, before I hopped on this podcast with you today, I was on your website, and I was taking your intimacy quiz.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Oh, you did that before four?
Connell Barrett: Yeah. It was so much fun. The four, of course, are bonding, release, giving, and responsive. If you would just give us a quick overview of what the intimate intimacy styles are. And also how our listener can use these once he is in an intimate relationship. Which is the goal for any guy listening to this.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yeah. So the most important thing for y'all to understand about it is that these are the four top motivators that people have to engage in sexuality with a partner. So it's you're going to get bonding, you're going to feel a release, you're going to experience a giving and of course, responsiveness. So let me break those down. That's for the guy who says, I feel closer to you when we're having sex or after we're having sex. I feel emotionally more bonded to you. When that's the case, and if we're not experiencing sex or any sort of sexuality, I feel less close to you. So that's what bondings are about. Then we have release releases. The person who feels, Oh, my gosh, when I'm having sex, I feel like this release of tension, I feel this. My stress is gone. I need to have this to unwind, to feel comfortable, to relax. It's just all of that, like a rush of release, which is very, very pleasurable. And then you have the giving. Giving is the person who says this is all about you. Lay back and relax. I get so much fulfillment, enjoyment, and pleasure from giving you pleasure. This is just letting me take over. And then we have responsive. Responsive. Men typically are the ones who say, I often think about sex just like randomly, but when my partner brings it up, I'm game. And then once we're having it, it feels really good. And then afterward I'm like, Why don't we do that more often? But it's not something that I like initiating. I tend not to kind of brush aside thoughts as they come into my head. It's not that I don't like sex and I enjoy it. It's just not something that comes to me naturally or like, you know, spontaneously. So what can you get out of this? So this is if you can get out of knowing what. Go ahead. I'm sorry. That's the thing.
Connell Barrett: I was just going to say, this sounds like me. I'm still learning how to be a podcast host but it sounds like you have a framework. I think you're about to answer this. So this is a framework that is sort of like understanding how you best experience intimacy and how to give that to your partner. Am I close?
Dr. Viviana Coles: So yes and or yes. But the key is that once you find out what percentage of each you are, this is what is basically what's present in every sexual experience. So you're going to think like added from your responses, you're going to get a total of 100%. Well, how much of it is how much of your motivation is me? What percentage of your motivation is to give? How much of your motivation is to feel a release? How much of your motivation is that? You're just kind of responsive to what your partner's needs are. What I am hoping that people will do is round out their intimacy style by trying to get as close to 25% of each of those in any sexual experience and hopefully every sexual experience to make sure that your needs and your partner's sexual needs, physical intimacy needs are being met for the long term. This is not for the occasional quickie, the one-night stand. This is for people who say, how will we stay physically connected forever? How can we do that? How can we continue to stay close or get there and then and then maintain it? And the way to do that is to round out your intimacy set.
Connell Barrett: Beautiful. So it's about being very well-rounded in all four as opposed to focusing on one or two. Am I hearing you right?
Dr. Viviana Coles: Exactly. So it's not like the five love languages in the sense that you're not trying to teach your partner how to meet you where you are. It's saying, no, no, no, we need to do all of these to maintain our full sexual fulfillment forever. It's an ideal thing, right? I mean, you ideally will experience each of the four in equal amounts, every sexual experience that isn't always going to be the case. And that's okay. But as long as the average is there, then you should be fine.
Connell Barrett: So for the man listening to this, who is going to be getting into a relationship as soon as he can and wants to, it sounds like this book is a great way for that man to once he is being intimate with his future partner, makes sure that they're both being satisfied that you're meeting each other's needs. In other words, you're not just attracting a woman into your life. You want to be able to keep her happy and be fulfilled together. And this is how to do that in an intimate trip through the lens of intimacy.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yes, that is the exact goal that I've been going for, is for the people who want to stay together forever and not allow a lack of physical intimacy or a complete shutdown of physical intimacy to happen. There are so many people out there who are struggling with this and they have zero clue about the what, the why, the how, and all of that. So this is from decades of working with clients who love each other so much. They get along well. They have an emotional connection usually, and the physical is the part that they just cannot seem to hold on to. And it has caused. I mean, as you can imagine, it causes the breakdown of relationships, but it also causes divorce, it causes affairs. The breakdown of the family. Yeah, it's a really big deal. So I'm glad to be a part of trying to help people with this.
Connell Barrett: Let's go back in time. Let's go back to the Post Origin story. So I'd love to hear you share with me a success story from your coaching. And I know you've gotten so many that it's probably hard to choose. But was there an early success story or just a vivid, powerful success story with clients you worked with that just really got you hooked on becoming the therapist and coach who you are?
Dr. Viviana Coles: Wow. That is a tough one. You're right. Fortunately, I've had a lot of different opportunities with clients. I think that if anything, I can probably share what typically is my favorite type of story that we're to walk through and what process and journey to walk through. And that's the couples who and this maybe it's because I see it so often that it's become kind of my favorite, but it's the couples who go from starting in therapy saying We're staying together because of the kids. And that's the only thing that keeps us together. If we didn't have kids, we would not be together because she never wants to have sex with me. He doesn't ever want to help or appreciate me. And they are so, so vastly disconnected and it's become emotional disconnection as well. So emotional and physical intimacy is what I tend to work with. It's not just physical intimacy and it's not just emotional. And so helping to walk through clients who say we have zero reasons to stay together, besides maybe we own a business together, or maybe everybody else would be devastated, or we're really scared for our kids and then helping them to kind of go deep to figure out. Why and how they got to where they are and why that's not satisfying for them and why they're not going to stand for it. And then helping them to build and find motivation outside of the external, to help them to say, I'm going to make changes within my relationship because it's going to make me experience life the way that I want. Because love, true love, intimacy, physical intimacy, friendship, all of those things are worthy. I'm worthy of them. They're worthy of me. And I want to find that with my partner. And I want to rebuild and continue to have the most amazing life and not just stay together because of the kids. Those are the ones that I tend to see the most. And it's incredible because you are helping families stay together. I mean, that's not the most important thing, but it's super important, especially when kids are involved.
Connell Barrett: No. I know a lot of couples who I just know. I know them well enough to know that they have a nice relationship, but they're just friends or they're companions. They're. They're friendly, they're together in life. But I look, I'm not looking behind there, I'm not in the bedroom with them. But, I have a sense that a lot of couples are buddies. But there's not the passion, there's not the intimacy, emotional and sexual. And if you don't have that passion and intimacy, in my view, you do not have a full relationship. You're not hitting on all cylinders. Thoughts on that?
Dr. Viviana Coles: Exactly. I think so many people can say we are best friends and that's lovely. But other than that, you can't get that from anyone. You know, sexual intimacy is the part that sets your relationship apart in a very sacred way. I think for people who are saying, oh, we get along super well, you know, we do life together really well. That's wonderful. But you could do that on your own there. You would be fine on your own. Let's experience the full magnitude, the spectrum of relationship wellness through having physical intimacy and emotional intimacy present every single day. Not only that, but it's great for your health. Sexuality and experiencing sexual feelings and arousal and desire. Like I don't know of many people who are going to be completely fine with their pelvic genital health if they're not experiencing that with a partner. Individual sexuality is important as well. But oftentimes people who aren't experiencing any sort of sexual desire with their partners, tend to shut that down for themselves individually as well. So there are all sorts of benefits to being in a healthy relationship and a well-rounded relationship, that includes romantic feelings, includes that fun, playful side. And I think it benefits more than just the individual. I think it benefits society in general.
Connell Barrett: Yeah. And other than perhaps parenthood, in which I'm not a father, I don't know what it's like to be a parent. But other than perhaps being a parent, what relationship is potentially deeper, more fulfilling, and complex in all the ways that an intimate, romantic relationship can be? Assuming there's friendship, there's love, there's trust, but also sexual intimacy, the passion. You get to have your cake and eat it too. So I think that's the Holy Grail for most of us.
Dr. Viviana Coles: I think it's also less messy. There are way too many things and way too many opportunities for messiness in our world. And so many of us strive for success and for being helpful. And we're getting out there and doing what we do too, again, really, really changing the world to a degree, whether it's our small world or a big world. But it's so much easier to do that when things are going well at home and when you feel like you have a supportive, respectful partner who you also really enjoy being naked with. I mean, there's just so much good that can come from pun intended, that can come from enjoying your home life and your work life. And I think that the positive energy and the positivity that exudes from those people and those relationships is something that we should all strive for.
Connell Barrett: Fantastic. Yeah, it's. It's fascinating to me how. Simple but powerful and enticing. It is this idea of, oh, somebody to be there to support me and I can support her. When I started working with a client, a man who I'm going to coach. We start by outlining what I call his amazing outcome. And it always includes a great relationship, a partner, and a soulmate. And then I say, give me some specifics. What are you most looking forward to experiencing with her? And sure, sometimes he talks about the intimacy, the great sex, but most of the time he says, I just want someone to listen to at the end of the day, help her with her day. I don't know. Watch some reality TV. Watch Netflix. Just be together. And it's. It's the two halves of a relationship, right? Friendship supports love. But also, I think that's important. Intimacy, passion, and romance.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yeah. With the men that I tend to work with who are trying to get their sex lives back on track or who are individuals who are struggling with that. They want to feel seen. They want to feel seen. And you mentioned heard, but I think seen and they tend to get that through feeling wanted and wanted sexually. So that sexual attraction, when they feel like their partner is interested in them sexually, it almost seems like it's it kind of wipes away a lot of the other things that maybe aren't there and if the in because for then wow if I can get a woman to want me, I must be doing something right, you know. Yeah. And so it's a real confidence boost. And when that's not there, it shakes their world to the core. Right. And it's very difficult for them to even function daily without that. And then guess what happens? They start to roam. They start looking to be seen, quote-unquote, by others. And because, you know, that's where workaholics, you know, they're like, oh, let me get that attention, that achievement, that sense of greatness and respect and feeling cherished from work. Well, they're only that only happens to a certain degree. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, okay, let me find it outside of work. And if it's not at home, it tends to be in an affair.
Connell Barrett: Yeah. Absolutely. It's men, just we love people in general. But I feel men specifically love to feel worthy. Significant special. And there are a lot of ways we can do that. We can climb mountains, we can make millions of dollars. We can ride our Harley and make it loud and wake me up at 3 a.m... but one of the most powerful ways for a man to feel worthy and special is to get that. Feeling of attraction, of romantic, intimate desire from a woman. I mean, that's priceless. That's essentially one of the things that makes you feel wonderful as a man.
Dr. Viviana Coles: And, you know, maybe this is a shift in the conversation, but I wonder if you're seeing this as well. There's a real upheaval that I'm noticing with my male clients, whether they're partnered or not. A lot of them are struggling with the identity piece of being a provider. I don't think that we're living in a time anymore where that is seen as the number one gift that a man or a husband or whoever gives. And I think a lot of men are struggling with that because they were still raised as if that is their number one contribution. So when they feel like they're doing that, they wonder, well, how is it that my partner isn't satisfied when they're asking for more? They're asking for more of my emotional expression. They want to connect with me emotionally. Wait a minute. I thought that was a bad thing, and I see that a lot. And it's a real problem in a lot of relationships right now. Are you seeing that with your clients as well?
Connell Barrett: I feel like maybe you've coached my dad. I can't speak for my father who I love. Danny. Danny Barrett. I would imagine that back in the day, he and my mom, their relationship got to a point where I'm bringing home the paycheck. I'm bringing you flowers once a month, and I'm providing why are you unhappy or, you know, why is there what's wrong? Why isn't everything okay? And it's not about my dad's, it's about men in general. I agree with you that men who feel like the vehicle for relationship, success, and fulfillment is providing, they're going to find out. It takes a lot more to fulfill the typical woman, I would think. She needs trust. She needs a connection. She needs intimacy. She needs a little variety, a little fun growing together. All these things make up our blueprint for who we are. Yeah, you got to do more than pay the bills and buy flowers twice a year.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Well, and I think it's important to point out for your listeners that you need to want more of yourself, because as we know, especially having gone through a shutdown, if you are banking literally on people wanting you and admiring you because of your paycheck, what happens when it's gone? We were talking about self-worth. We're talking about the worthiness that I think needs to be internal and then validated externally through our most important relationships, our primary relationships. I don't think that it's oh, I don't think it's going to serve you well if you put all of your eggs in the basket of I am the one who's making the money. I am the one who's providing a lifestyle. Because if and when that ever decreases or goes away completely, what do you leave with? Even from just a self-identity place. And so I think you need to build a life where you know that you bring more than just the paycheck.
Connell Barrett: Right. I didn't think I was going to go there. But this is so relevant to what you just said. Again, I'm not picking on my mom and dad at all. I'm just there from a different time. In the Mad Men era where the man was the provider, the mom was the housewife, and that was their relationship. But they didn't have to be my eyes growing up. A spark, a romantic spark. And I remember when I was in high school, I was staying over at a friend's house and I was watching her mom and dad do the dishes together. And I watched her dad take the wet towel from the sink and snap it and snap it on his wife's behind. And she giggled and she was throwing suds at him. And it was the most flirtatious, beautiful, connected experience. And they were just washing dishes. And I looked at them and I thought, Oh, that's how a couple can be a long-term couple in this case of a mother and a father. They can be connected and have that kinetic romantic attraction years in. It doesn't always have to be just buddies, just friends. I feel it. I just saw something there and I thought, That's what I'm going to want when I'm with my long-term partner.
Dr. Viviana Coles: And you were fortunate to see that at somebody else's house, if you had not seen that interaction, who knows what your template of what a healthy, romantic, intimate relationship would look like today? So many people do not have any real examples of what they're imagining a healthy sexual relationship could look like in the long term.
Connell Barrett: Yeah. And now every time I do the dishes, I just get horny and turned on, which is weird when I'm by myself. But that's another topic for another show. Let's, let's, let's shift gears and talk about dating because, hey, how do you get a great partner, a great relationship? First, you got to go out and you've got a date. You got to meet people anyway. Talk to me if you would. What can a single guy do? What can the single guy who's listening to this, who's looking for that soulmate, go out on dates? What can he do now to get prepared for being a great, intimate partner? Or how can he work on himself so that when a woman meets him on that first or second date, she starts to see, Oh, wow, I can see this guy is a great catch. Any tips on showing yourself as that great worthy relationship catch for men?
Dr. Viviana Coles: This is so timely. I am primed for this question because I have been working with a group of women who are 40 plus and are single. Many of them are never married and they are trying to get inspiration from this group. We're doing a virtual online group. It's called Vivid Relationships. And what we're trying to do is help women to stay motivated to seek out that love life. And so I can tell you one of the number one things that I heard in our group is on Monday, so I just heard it is that they feel like the men who they are meeting up with or who they're talking to online do not pay enough attention to the details. They don't listen. So they and some of them don't even read the profiles. They just kind of wing it. They say, hey, I'm going to I figured I'd be meeting up with you. I'll just ask you all these questions in person. And a lot of people might think, Oh, well, that makes sense, right? You're going to meet up in person or you're hoping to talk over the phone, or you can ask these questions. But there's so much thought that goes into and so much effort that goes into building a dating profile or even just a text that you send. And so when a man does not at least behave as if he has no idea what that or this is the first time that they say this or I didn't know that. Then it's like, Oh, you're not willing to put some extra effort in to read a profile, to read what I'm writing you. You're just kind of winging it. Well, how many people are taking your attention away that you can't focus on just me? So there are a few things there. One is they don't feel like men are putting the effort into listening or reading their profiles or reading what the messages are that they're sharing about themselves. And the other is the sense that if you're not paying attention to me, then who are you paying attention to? And am I competing with five other women all at once? And, you know, can you at least pretend like I'm the only one that you're interested in in this hour that we're talking to each other? So that's a big one.
Connell Barrett: I love the details. So focus on the details. I have my clients before a first date. Let's say it's the first date from a dating app bumble. I say go on her profile. Make sure you're sitting in the bar, get there 15 minutes early to make sure you have a good place to sit with her, and then review her profile and review your text messages. Because if you remember her dog, if you remember that her dog's name is snuggly and she has two sisters and she loves Bill Murray movies, you're going to be impressed. Those details do stand out. You're so right.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Oh, my gosh. Yes, absolutely. The other thing that they're that they were complaining about and they were just like, this is so disillusioning, is that they expect they think or it comes across as if the men expect them to be very responsive. Like if they send a text or if they send a message, they have to message them back very soon. And a lot of these women have full-time jobs and obligations and don't have their phones glued to them. 24 seven unlike me and maybe you. And so they feel like, gosh, if you're that impatient, I don't know that we're going to be able to work. So I don't know if it's a matter of the way that they come across once they do finally hear back from each other. But maybe even just asking and being curious like, oh, my gosh, you must have had a busy day. I haven't you know, I haven't heard back from you all day or it's taken a couple of days. Is everything okay versus a? Assuming the worst or getting an attitude about it, you're going to learn so much more and it could be something that works well for your lifestyle as well.
Connell Barrett: Absolutely. Responsiveness is important in life in general. And unfortunately, a lot of men have been poorly coached by the quote-unquote pickup artist types or the play it cool, be an alpha male get hurt chasing you bullshit which is a big pet peeve of mine. And my advice for men is to be responsive, be present, and know those details. And when you're on that date, she is the most important person in the world to you. That doesn't mean you fawn over her and kiss her behind, but let her know that there is nobody more important for that hour than she is. And that's a really strong, powerful, respectful thing. When somebody is going to come out for an hour or two and have a drink with you, I want them to feel like they're the most important person.
Dr. Viviana Coles: And one of the things that I'll tell my single male clients is that imagine if you were interviewing somebody for a job and they are looking elsewhere. They keep getting up and leaving. They're waving to somebody there, maybe looking at their phone or checking their Apple Watch immediately. You're going to wonder, do they want this?
Connell Barrett: And that's they're not even sure what it's like. They're not sure what business they're interviewing for. They don't know your name. They're like texting somebody else. That's a great example.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Or they or they keep talking about the last interview that they had. I mean, come on. There are a lot of parallels here that you can learn from. And you don't want to be that person on a date.
Connell Barrett: This business is not as attractive as my last business, you know? Oh, my God. So gross. Some guys do that. Either they're either coached into it or they have bad they make bad choices. That's a great example. Okay, I want to give you this here are the fun little questions I came up with for you. I'm going to give you some multiple-choice questions. It's thought of as a quiz, except I'm not going to quiz you. I'm going to give you a dating situation with an eight with an A, B, and C answer. And the third one will be Dr. Vivienne as fill in a blank choice. So for example, here's the first one. You'll get this. Once we started doing it, we're going to use your experience because, hey, it's not often I have a sex therapist and a woman who knows women so well, and my listener just loves to hear what women want, so you'll be able to help us out here. So here is question number one. Okay. Let's say a man had a good first date. It's winding down with this woman and they're saying good night. Should that man go for that first kiss if she seems receptive? B, play it safe, hug her. Or C, Dr. Viviana, fill in the blank for what he should do is ask, okay.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Ask, ask for the kiss and just say something like, hey, can I kiss? Or Can I kiss you on the cheek? Don't ask if you can have one. That's creepy, okay? Because it's very self-serving where if you say like, hey, can I kiss you? Or even or even just say Can I kiss you on the cheek? I had a really good time. It seems like you have to. Then the worst that they can say is, No, I'm not ready for that or No, thank you. And you can say, okay, we'll let you know. That's fine, I'll, I'll shake your hand for now. But maybe another time I ask because unless you just know, unless you know, like every fiber of your being is saying, I feel like this person would have already kissed me by now if we were not across the table from each other. I don't think you should go in for a kiss on the first date without that assurance, because it's such a bubble burst when it doesn't go exactly the way that you want it. And there's time to build up for that. So I would ask.
Connell Barrett: Beautiful, ask. Excellent. Next one. A single man is at social events, and he sees a woman he would like to meet. He should feel free to walk over and say, Hi, I saw you and I wanted to meet you. Be. Try to find a third party to introduce them. Or C Fill in the blank. Dr. Viviana.
Dr. Viviana Coles: I think that man should head on over and say, Hey, what brings you to this thing? This is what I'm doing here. What are you doing here or what are you here for? What are you in for? Kind of a thing. I think when you're willing to share your I guess what you're going through and give a little bit of personality, I guess, an anecdote or so. But when you can share some personal detail and then you're inviting them to do the same, but don't come in guns blazing asking like, Hey, what are you doing here? That's kind of an odd thing so it feels intrusive where you go, Oh, cool. You know, I was invited by so-and-so. Who are you invited by or how did you hear about this? That's an innocuous thing. It could turn into something. Business, networking, or more so.
Connell Barrett: Come in. Warm, but not hot. Don't come in hot. Saying. Yeah.
Dr. Viviana Coles: No. Especially you can tell by the body language if she's kind of closed off to anybody coming in hot. Whereas if somebody just comes up and says like, hey, I was invited by so-and-so, I liked this about this event or this about this place. How did you hear about it? That's a pretty nice line.
Connell Barrett: Nice. Okay. Got it. One more. Here we go. A man and a woman have gone on about three or four dates, and he is ready for intimacy when they're alone. He should give her a long, deep kiss, a tight embrace, and then lead her to the bedroom. Be not have sex until the two of them have talked about it. Or C, fill in the blank with the more nuanced answer.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Gosh, I think all of the above. Both of those. I think it could be something where maybe you talk about what you'd like to do. Oh, not necessarily. I'm not. I mean, consent is going to be thrown in there somewhere. But talk about love. Gosh, I feel like it would be so much fun if we took this into the bedroom. But we could do that. I always want to leave it open to where it doesn't feel like it. Okay, well, and if that doesn't happen, it's the end of the night or the end of the day. So kind of like, hey, do you want to? Do you want to go into the bedroom? Do you want to, you know, maybe go out, go and get a drink? Like, offer some options so that. You do. I mean, you're saying what you want, but you'd be okay with something else. And the option, I think, is sexy and it makes you feel safe as a partner.
Connell Barrett: Yeah, I have. There's a MeToo chapter in my book where I talk about how you can get consent, but you can make it sexy. You can say, You know what I would love to do right now? I would love to take you to the bedroom and X, Y, and Z, and see how she responds to that. She might say, Hell yeah, let's go. Off you go. If she resists that or is not ready yet, hey, at least you got your answer, and then she'll probably appreciate that. So it sounds like you're okay with that kind of male leadership, but always checking in with how she's feeling and maybe just say what you want to do and see if she's on the same page.
Dr. Viviana Coles: I think if you're brave enough, right? I think if you're brave enough to share what it is that you're wanting but you're okay with, then. No, you. In any. Any situation. I'm constantly talking to my clients about this. Don't ask a question that you're not willing to hear more than just one answer. Right? Then. Then don't ask it. So if the only response to I want to go have sex do you is a yes, don't ask it because they're very well could be a no. And if a no means that the entire, you know, relationship or the entire evening implodes, that's not building. Right. That's not a good foundation. So if you're that hard up that you really would not accept a no, I don't think that's the time to ask the question.
Connell Barrett: Great stuff. That's why you're a certified sex therapist. Okay, let's finish with a couple of questions for my tribe and then I want to talk a little bit about one of your upcoming programs and then we'll wrap.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Up do it.
Connell Barrett: All right. I took some questions from my Facebook group. Here's a question from Nick. These are sex questions, so we're just going to go for it here. This is from Nick in my Facebook group who asks, How can I make sure that the first time I have sex with the woman I'm dating, I'm making the experience amazing for her? I love where that question is coming from, how to make that first time for her as great as possible.
Dr. Viviana Coles: We'll make sure that you're rounding out your intimacy style and you have a little bit of bonding, a little bit of giving, a little bit of release, and be a little bit responsive. So if you can round those things out and know how to do that, I think it's going to go so much better than if you just go all in and say, this is all about you. I just want you to have a great time. It feels a little bit like too much pressure. I know that a lot of men will think, Well, who wouldn't? What woman would not want to hear that? They are going to be worshiped. That they're just going to. Well, a lot of women would feel that that's for sure. And that's performance anxiety. And so I think it's important to round out their intimacy stuff.
Connell Barrett: Beautiful. In other words, Nic, go read the four intimacy styles by Vivien when in doubt. The next question is from. The next question is from Brant. That's what I say. I have heard my book and this is a yearbook answer. Okay. The next one is from Brandon. Brandon writes, I've been seeing a wonderful woman and I'm so excited that I finish very quickly in bed. He means and I don't want to be that guy. He doesn't want to be Quickdraw McGraw. How do I last longer?
Dr. Viviana Coles: Long story short, this is a very common issue that I see in my practice. I'm creating an online program that will be supplied to help men retrain their bodies when it comes to early regulation. So I've got a lot of information on this. Number one piece of advice is when you are masturbating, make sure that you are mimicking the type of endurance that you would like to have when you're partnered. If you cannot last very long, or if you're training your body to go very, very quickly, even when you're in the shower or when you're trying to relax for bedtime, think about how much quicker you're going to go when you're actually with the warm smells of a woman and how enticing that's going to be and how quickly you're going to react to that.
Connell Barrett: Great answer. Great, great stuff. I have the same problem as Brandon, except that only happens to me when I'm doing dishes by myself. So that's a whole separate show. Okay, the last question and then we'll wrap up here. This is from Jonathan who asked. Oh, gosh. Okay. Saving the best for last. Jonathan asks, I feel insecure about my penis size. I am about four, four, and a half inches. Is that too small? How important is size to women?
Dr. Viviana Coles: So it's not too small, especially because you have to remember that just like there's variety and in the size and the shape and all of that, there's a lot of variety in vaginal shape and size and feeling and all of that. There I think that there is such a thing as too small and in, you know, certainly having a microphallus causes all sorts of issues for men, not just in sexually intimate relationships. But that's not what we're dealing with here. I think he needs to back off from watching porn. His idea of what a healthy male average penis size is is probably very warped by the images that he's inundated himself with since he was probably 11 years old. So back away from the porn. And if anything, I would say, ask your partner if there are any positions that they tend to like and use those to make sure that you're making the most of what you do have.
Connell Barrett: Beautifully said. And thank you for naming my next book, which I'm going to call back away from the porn. I think we have a good title there. No, all jokes aside. As someone who spent more than a little time on YouPorn.com, I've dealt with my issues in that regard. And yeah, the worst thing you can do is allow yourself to be conditioned by all the porn out there and think you have to measure up to what some male porn star looks like. So thank you for that nuanced answer. Okay. Dr. Viviana, let's finish. I just want to talk a little bit about an upcoming retreat. You have a couples retreat. Talk a little bit about that, if you would.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Yeah. So I have partnered up with Eros Anti Retreats. We are setting out to do some amazing retreats, both for couples and for individuals, and finding that people are really in need of intimacy boosts in their relationships. So whether they're single and they're wanting to find that intimate side of themselves to share with a partner, or if they are already in a relationship and they want to spark things up and haven't been able to do that. Retreats are a fabulous way to be very focused and intentional with your time and energy. And I don't know about you, but every time I go to a conference, especially when it comes to the world that we're in with dating and love and relationships, it's so invigorating. It makes you feel like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to get out there and I'm going to do this, this, this, and this. And if you are tenacious and if you're organized, you will continue to ride that wave and hopefully, you'll get your next book out or your next program, next TV show, I mean, whatever it is. And I feel like that's what we're trying to hone in on are the people who say we haven't been able to do this in our daily lives. We need an escape. We need to retreat to each other, to ourselves. And I'm excited about the upcoming offerings. They seem to be kind of fluid and change based on what they need and what the participants need and guests need. So I'm excited. Again, I love to go with the flow.
Connell Barrett: And yes, as I understand it, the Arizona couple's retreat is in Punta Mita Mexico. That's October 16th through the 20th of this year. Dr. Viviana, is there anything I didn't ask you or anything you want to share that we didn't get to today? Or are you just sick of my dumb jokes at this point?
Dr. Viviana Coles: No, I feel like I can't believe it's gone by so quickly. I feel like the women that I'm working with, we need to do something with the men that you're working with and see if we can help each other. You know, we'll be the go-betweens. But I feel like this is such an amazing thing, this is an amazing cohort to work with. And I think we can help each other. So I don't know. I don't think this is the end, Connell.
Connell Barrett: Thank you. Well, as long as you don't steal my book title for the back away from the porn lobby.
Dr. Viviana Coles: It's all yours. It's all right.
Connell Barrett: She is Dr. Viviana Coles. And in addition to the Ara Santee dot com couples retreat, please check her out on her website. Dr. Viviana dot com. Get her book The Four Intimacy Styles and yeah thank you so much for being such a light in this area. Dr. Viviana and I appreciate you coming on today.
Dr. Viviana Coles: Thank you. Thanks for all the work you do.
Connell Barrett: My pleasure. All right. Until next time. Peace out.
Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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