Connell Barrett:  

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. Happy Friday. I am your host,  Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach for men. I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get a great girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. That's about really leaning into who you are, showing women that real awesome core true you and not using any creepy pickup artist stuff. And for the first time ever on the Dating Transformation podcast, I'm psyched because we are going to do a little thing I'm now calling Ask the Dating Coach. Basically, it's a mail bag. I get so many questions from so many guys every week asking for dating help about online dating, lack of matches, approach anxiety, how to get more dates, how to gain confidence. There's an endless flow of questions. So what I'm going to do is every few weeks, I'm going to ask the Dating Coach. And essentially, it's a mail bag of a bunch of random but universal questions and problems that guys have. So let's get into it. I'm going to start taking questions right now. And here is the first one. First question comes from oh, it's right here in New York City. Comes from Harold, a year old gent here in New York City. And Harold asks, hey, Connell, the problem I'm facing is that I'll get a woman's number from Tinder or Bumble, but then she goes quiet and loses interest as we text. And it's very frustrating to have a good match go nowhere. How do you flirt better over text? Thank you, Harold. Great question, man. And I do feel you, Harold, because it can really sting to finally get a match with a cool, attractive woman and then get her phone number. So now you're closer than ever to that first date only to have her go quiet. It's like so close, but yet so far. So to help you basically stop getting ghosted and start getting more dates, here's a little bit of some quick thoughts. First, we want to define what flirting is. What is flirting? What do I even mean? And my definition of flirting is playfully charming, conveying your romantic interest to a woman in a very light, clear manner and not being vulgar, not being R rated or X rated. And this is really great news, I think, because these days you can text in a lot of different ways. What I mean is different platforms, whether you're on your phone or on a dating app. You can use your words, obviously. You can write out the text. You can do voice messages. You can obviously send photos. You can use emojis. There are more tools today more than ever, to text your way to romance. So that's all great news. And the thing is, so many men try to flirt, but they make a mistake. They either fawn, so they fawn over the woman, like, oh, my God, you're so beautiful. You're so hot. You're so amazing. And if you fawn over a woman too much too soon, then that lowers your status in her eyes, and then she'll lose that interest because nobody wants to date beneath them, right? Or another mistake you might make in your attempts to flirt is you might come across as just friendly or boring, relying on cliches where you say, hey, I'm so glad we managed. Hey, how are you? How's your day? That's not even flirting. That's just blather. That's nothing. So those are ineffective strategies. So here's some quick do's and don'ts of flirting over text. Here's how you do it, and here's how you don't do it. So do make your interest clear. You want your crush to know that you're flirting with her and not to confuse it with mere friendliness. So if she doesn't know you're flirting, then it won't be effective. You want to be clear first and foremost. So it's the difference between writing, I can't stop thinking about you, instead of, I was just thinking about you. The latter is very close. The syntax is very similar. But you can say to a woman, I was just thinking about you. And I could say that to my dad or my sister or my friend, but if I said to a woman, I can't stop thinking about you, that's clearly flirtatious. Now, clarity is more important than cleverness. Cleverness is a nice bonus.

I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach Connell. Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So, book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today@datingtransformation.com. Contact, and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh. So you know soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com contact and transform your love life. Bye.

 Connell Barrett:  

Cleverness, witty, funny. That's all important. And I work on that a lot with my clients and my texting and helping them text. But clarity comes first. So when in doubt, just say to somebody something like this, by the way, I'm really liking you right now. Or I'm so glad we matched. You seem really cool. Or here's a good thing to text quote, hey, you know what's really attractive about you? The way you dot, dot, dot, and then tell them what's attractive. So make your interest clear. It's not thirsty or needy to make your interest clear as long as you do it in a light way and as long as you don't overdo it. So don't worry about being thirsty or needy, as long as you're just putting it out there, hey, I'm really liking you. I'm really digging you. I'm so glad we matched. And then that gives her the green light to then say to you, hopefully, I'm liking you too, so she'll reciprocate if she's having a good experience with you. Next tip. Here's a don't. Don't use boring openers. Most women are so tired of hearing, hey, hi, how's your day? As an opener. It's so lazy. The best openers are personalized, and they give your potential match or your match. They give her something like a joke, a compliment, a fun question that she wants to answer about something that's interesting to her. So beware of being bored. So instead of how's your day, lean toward how did you name your dog? Or what is your dog's name in that photo? She's going to be way more interested in her dog if she's got a photo of her and her little pooch than she is with you being the 12th guy to say, how's your day? Or let's say she's a wine expert. You might say, hey, Jessica, if that is your name, hey, Jessica, since you're the wine expert, tell me, what's your favorite wine bar here in Blankety Blank City? So now you're making her an expert, and you're talking about something that she wants to talk about wine, in this case. And so you're not going to be boring if you talk about something that she cares about. You will be bored if you ask her how her day is or if you say, how was your weekend? How was your week? Do not be boring. So, yeah, cliches and boredom kill chemistry. So keep things light, keep things personalized to help you make the sparks fly. Here's the next don't. Don't get too sexual too soon when you're texting early on. Keep it early on. Keep your text messages G rated or at most PG. Getting too sexual too soon can just come across as vulgar, a little too sexy, a little too naz. So think charm, not smarm. All right, do playfully tease your crush. How do we do that? Well, texts that playfully tease her can help amplify the sparks. So, like, think of that smitten schoolboy who's pulling the pigtails of the girl he likes. It's a way that we show women we find them attractive, cute, interesting to us, and it's just a natural way that many women like being flirted with, which is by teasing. By the way, don't literally pull her pigtails. Not literally. So the secret to teasing here is a secret to teasing. Tease her about small light topics that she would not get upset about if you were saying it seriously. So in other words, you can tease her about behaviors, foods, movies. I was on a date once and this woman sort of snorted when she laughed, and I teased her about that. I also thought it was really cute. Think like her tastes, favorite TV shows, favorite movies, the way she acts with certain little idiosyncrasies. I was on a date once with a woman who we went to a sushi place with and she dropped a very expensive piece of sushi, like a    dollar single piece of sushi. She dropped it on the ground. She didn't know how to use chopsticks. And so I teased her throughout the dinner about dropping food and how expensive she was as a date. And then the next day I was texting her saying, hey, Jen, are you trying to eat cereal right now or do you keep dropping the spoon? And she loved it. So think teasing, light surface level things. So for example, you might say, hey, what's your favorite movie? And she says, Pirates of the Caribbean. And you might say your favorite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean. I was really liking you until you said that. You're really blowing it with me. And then winky or laughing emoji. We always want to make the jokes clear that they're jokes. So, yeah, never tease about potential sore spots, things like weight, looks, pets. No, that'll backfire. My client once teased a date about her dog's appearance, comparing her dog to a rat. And that killed the vibe because her dog is like her little baby. She takes that very seriously. So that killed the vibe. So, yeah, keep teasing about light surface level things. That's the core secret to teasing. Okay, next, for texting tips, do use photos. You know the cliche, right? A picture is worth a thousand words. Well, the right flirty picture is worth a thousand texts. Think about that picture. If a picture is worth a thousand words, the right picture is worth a thousand texts. So sending a good photo is going to make a big impact. Now, what should you send? It's very personalized. Depends on you, depends on her. But think of it through the lens of a cool or funny snapshot from your life. Maybe you're texting with a woman about tattoos. She's got tattoos. You got tattoos. Take a selfie of your cool bicep tattoo, right? Or maybe you're out having cocktails with friends and you're at a cool lounge, a cool venue, and you take a picture of you holding your martini glass and you say hey with the photo. You send her the photo saying, hey, look at me. I bet my night is kicking your night's butt. I dated a woman a while back and she used to send me selfies. I remember one time, she sent me a selfie and it was a really cute photo of her looking great and it said, here I am looking like a snack. And I could not get her out of my mind the whole night. So send photos of you. If you're looking like a snack. You could send a photo of you looking like a snack. A little bit of that cheeky, confident humor. You dressed to the nines on Friday night. Send her a picture saying, hey, check me out, I'm looking like a snack. That's a great way to use photos. So use photos in your texting. Next, don't. The next thing is don't forget to use emojis. Don't forget to use emojis. It's really easy to have miscommunications over text, especially when you're trying to crack jokes or be funny. And the first rule of comedy or funny or flirty texting is just clarity being understood. And emojis can come to the rescue. And just make sure it's clear what you're saying. So the right emoji can make an otherwise just friendly message feel very flirty. And the right emoji can also add the right light, playful tone to make sure you underscore that flirty text message. So when in doubt, use the winky face emoji. I like that one. I also like the heart eyes emoji or the very underrated upside down smiling emoji. Right? And another general rule about emojis is avoid using more than two emojis per message just so you don't come across as overly emojified. One or two every couple messages is plenty. You don't want to use like twenty emojis every time you message because you'll come across sounding like a thirteen year old girl. Not the vibe you're going for.

 Connell Barrett:  

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of Dates and Lack of Confidence for many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend: be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book Dating Sucks, But You don't. Your STEP BY STEP Guide to Attracting wonderful women and Doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach  Connell Barrett: has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks, But You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates to become magnetic and attractive. Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks, But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback Kindle and Audiobook Get Dating Sucks, but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

 Connell Barrett:  

Okay, next, do with online dating, texting or texting in general when you've just met a girl, do use audio messages. Don't settle for only text messages. Use your phone or your app's audio feature to send vocal notes. There are very few things sexier to your crush than hearing her, hearing your voice, that can really dial up romantic tension. So use your voice. Unless you have a terrible voice, unless you sound like Danny DeVito with COVID Then I want you to use your voice because a woman who likes who you are and likes your voice is just going to like you even more. Okay, so a couple tips about using your voice. First, keep the audio notes short. Absolutely less than sixty seconds, maybe even thirty seconds is a good limit. You don't want to sound like you're Rambling, so this is a less is more approach. So also try to sound as natural and as relaxed as possible when you send an audio message to a woman. Now, if you're on an iPhone and you're already texting on your iPhones, the good news is you can press that audio feature and if you don't like the way you sound, you don't have to send it. So you can practice to make sure you sound nice and loose and confident. But if you're going to send a message on, there are some apps that let you send audios, but it doesn't give you the option of not sending it if you don't like it. Basically you go live. So if that happens or I mean, if that's if that's the kind of app you're on, don't worry about it. You can still use it to help you loosen up before you send an audio message. What you can do is just go on your phone and send a test audio message to yourself or to a friend. Either way about anything just to get your voice and your vibe nice and relaxed. So you sound confident, you sound conversational and then once you feel like, okay, yeah, that's me sounding at my best, confident and loose. Then you just mirror that tone when you're sending her the audio message to your crush, to the girl you're interested in. So that is going to help you a lot. So yeah, sending a voice note really projects a lot of self confidence. Yeah, that's another good thing about it is sending your voice note sends women a message that says, hey, this guy's not afraid to let me hear him talking. And bottom line is, just as you, I'll bet you like the right kind of woman's voice, right? Maybe you like a gravelly voice, maybe you like a feminine voice, maybe you like a specific accent. Guess what, women are the same. They like your voice if they like your kind of voice. So let her know what it is. Okay, next question. In the mail bag, ask the dating Coach mailbag. It comes from Gary. Gary is forty four years old. He's writing from Yonkers, New York. And Gary says, hey, Connell, help me out. This happens all the time. I see that incredible woman who I'd love to approach, and I just can't go break the ice with her. Drives me crazy. How do I get over my fear of rejection? How do I approach it with confidence? Okay, Gary, here's what you want to do. You want to apply something I write about in my book, which is the universal rejection rule. You want to tattoo this on your face or whatever body part you prefer. Here's my universal rejection rule, and I want you to think about it as a firewall that protects your mental software from indulging in the fear of rejection. What this does is this helps keep you confident and helps you to approach. So, before I share it, a quick note. The goal here is not to totally eradicate feeling rejected. You're human. You're allowed to be bummed out. If a girl isn't into you or if your approach gets shot down, it's okay. We're not trying to be perfect here. But you do want to minimize the pain, or the anticipated pain that creates the anxiety. And you want to refocus, to get that confidence nice and high, so you can take a lot of great action. So here it is, my universal rejection rule, as written about in my book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't. And I go deep into the book, but here's the gist of it. Here's the rule. Quote, I want you to write this down. Quote, I'll only feel rejected if I indulge in the illusion that a woman who I barely know can reject me instead of remembering that there are a million more girls and I have more to give. End quote. Now, this rule totally rules. It calls bullshit on the illusion that a woman you barely know or don't know at all can even reject you. She can't reject you. She doesn't know you. And the phrase, instead of remembering, shifts your mind to the abundance of dating options that are out there for you if you choose to see them and look for them. So, the reason why dating is so painful for so many men, especially approaching, is because of rejection. They see rejection as the Pandora's Box of painful emotions. You just open up that box, and all kinds of pain. I'm not good enough. Women hate me. Women don't like me. All of these painful things can come out of that box. What this rule does is it locks the box. This rule, if you say it and repeat it and make it a mantra, it reminds you that you have endless options and so much to give, and that any one woman who, quote, unquote, rejects you. She doesn't really matter, and she's not even really rejecting you. She just might not be available. She might not be your type, or she might be rejecting your technique. She's not saying that you are not good enough for me. Okay? So for example, I have a client named Jeff, and Jeff used to battle some really bad approach anxiety. And when he started to apply this mantra, he went out on the town and he approached more than Twenty women in one weekend. That was the mission I gave him as his in person coach. So I take guys out here in New York City and we go out and approach women together. When we went out, he approached Twenty women. And yes, he got rejected several times, but his new rule helped him to brush those rejections off. Also, out of all those approaches, he also got several phone numbers. I think he got four phone numbers that weekend and ended up going on three dates. Ended going out on three dates. And he also made out with a totally cute girl on the dance floor. I know because I was there watching it happen. So what about you? Would you do that? Would you go out for a weekend if you knew you were going to approach Twenty women and get four phone numbers, three dates and one makeout all with really cute girls? Would you be able to accept the quote, unquote rejection you got from sixteen women? I'll bet you could if you got three dates out of it. And what if you didn't even see it as rejection? What if you just saw it as, I'm out here doing my thing. Some girls like me, some girls are into it, some girls aren't, and it's all good. And anyway, that's the kind of freedom and confidence and looseness that this universal rejection rule can help you to unleash. Now, you're not going to be instantly confident all the time. That only comes with reps and reps and reps. But yeah, use this new rule, because what it does is it creates an opening. It gives you a burst of belief and helps you say, oh yeah, okay, there's nothing really at stake here. I can go out and start meeting some women. There's no such thing as rejection. So let me read the rejection rule one more time, and I'll move to the next question. Here it is again, the universal rejection rule. Quote, I will only feel rejection if I indulge in the bullshit illusion that a woman I barely know can reject me. And instead, I remember that there's a million more girls, and I have more to give. Now, take that rule, take that mindset out on the town this weekend, and you're going to see some really great things happen. Okay, we have time for one more question in the mail bag. This comes from Tommy. Tommy is twenty nine, and he's writing to us from Boulder City, Colorado. Tommy writes, hey, Connell, starting to get some really good dates. Awesome. Tommy, with all the tinder tips in your book, but I'm still hearing, hey, I'm not feeling it too often after first dates. It's getting frustrating. How can I get out of the friend zone on first dates? Tommy and Boulder City. Okay, got it. Tommy yeah, thank you for the question. And, yeah, I know the friend zone all too well. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate. I was like the Mr. Burns of the friend zone. I owned the town in my book. By the way, in my book, I shared probably one hundred tips about escaping the friend zone. Here are five of my favorites. Here are five fast ways to get out of the friend zone. Here we go. Number one shows clear interest. If you're interested in a woman, make it clear. And it can be as simple as saying to her, let's go on a second date, rather than making it a mystery. So don't hide your feelings on a date. Tell her and show her that she's cool and sexy and that you're into her, because women love a confident man who can show interest. All right, number one shows clear interest. Tip number two talk the talk the way you use your voice. Conveys your confidence level. So cultivate a rich, resonant vocal tonality. Record conversations with a friend, or just listen to your voice. Record your voice as you're talking and listen for things like flaws like up talking, up talking. When statements you make sound like a question. Look for things like UMS and Oz to get in the way. When speaking to women on a date, or even in any environment that's basically possibly romantic. What you want to do with your vocal tonality is make sure that you are being heard and that you have a nice, strong, crisp, clear tonality. So a little quick little fix for that is to imagine her. Imagine there's another person directly behind her, and talk loudly enough so that the woman or the person behind her can hear you. In other words, you want both of them to hear you. This will help you project your voice, since there's a good chance that your voice shuts down a little bit when you're speaking to a woman who you find attractive. This is a common unconscious reaction that happens when we feel insecure that our voice softens a little bit. So talk to the girl behind the girl. Hope that makes sense. Okay, tip number three for getting out of the friend zone, use confident body language on dates. Stand tall. Widen your stance a little bit. Take up space. When you stand, imagine that your spine is a steel rod. Powerful body language. The thing about it is, not only does it send a really powerful message to a woman that just basically says you're confident, also, the way you use your physiology boosts your emotional state so you can even try it right now. Stand up right now and hunt your shoulders. Touch your ankles together. Slouch your shoulders. Put your feet together. Take a small, passive body physiology. That feels really shitty, doesn't it? Feel how low and small that feels? Now stand nice and tall like your spine is steel. Push your shoulders back. Widen your stance. Man. Spread and hold this pose for fifteen seconds. And notice how much differently you feel just by the way you use your physiology. So if you want instant confidence both in what you feel and what she feels coming from you, then use confident body language that'll increase your testosterone. It reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. It does all kinds of great things for you. Most importantly it makes you look and feel more confident. Okay, tip number four for smashing out of the friend zone is look her right in the eyes on that date. Look her right in the eyes. I once dated a marketing director, a woman who we'll call Olivia. And after we'd been seeing each other for a while, I asked her what she liked about me, what it was about me on our first meeting that made her into me. And I was basically fishing for a compliment. I was thinking and hoping she was going to say, oh, some funny, smooth, witty line. But the truth is, women rarely remember your words when they first meet you. And what she said to me was, oh, it's so easy. What I liked about you, she said, you look me right in the eye. And that made you seem so confident. So, yeah, look her right in the eye. That is something every single man can do. And it's a sign of confidence and worthiness to women. And the fifth and final way to make sure you smash out of that friend zone on dates is to be physically expressive. Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a fun, flirty vibe that keeps you out of that dreaded friend zone. So you can high five. You can hold her hand when there are moments, right? Touch her arm. Touch her thigh again. You want to build up to some of these whispers in her ear, brushing hair out of her eyes. You can do a thumb wrestling contest. You can inspect her jewelry. You can take her hand and say, oh, hey, what's the story behind this jade bracelet? What's up with this cool ring? Where'd you get that? What's the story there? While taking her hand. And what we want to do on a date, at least a little bit, is to put some physical expression, very G rated, very gentlemanly. Do not grab her ass early. Do not just put your hand on her thigh without any reason. Keep it light, G rated, short and sweet. And what you're doing is you're physically expressing yourself in a way that sends really good messages about your comfort and confidence. But remember, we're. Also humans. We touch especially on dates, and for some women, not all. But for many, many women, physical touch is one of the main ways that they flirt and experience connection and romance. So you want to be physically expressive in a way that builds up. And if she's liking it, if she reciprocates back, you can keep doing it. If she doesn't, you want to read that and pull back, take a step back. Maybe she doesn't want physical contact at first. Maybe she needs to take her time. That's also fine. So definitely what you want to make sure you read the room. Do not, I repeat, do not just execute physical escalation pickup artist moves like some kind of judo guy until she gets so excited. That's not how people work. But you do want to be physically expressive and read her, watch her, see if she likes it, see if she touches back. And essentially, it's how you're communicating. I like to think of physical expression this way. Here's what not to do. The creepy way to be physically expressive is to just touch her without any reason or purpose. Like, you put your hand on her thigh without any reason to do so, and you haven't touched her at all. That is creepy as fuck. Don't do that. But here's what you can do. She walks in for that first date. You give her a hug. Nice gentlemanly, g rated hug. 1015 minutes in, you're chatting. You're getting comfortable with each other. You high five. She turns out she loves coldplay, just like you do. What? Do you love coldplay? No way. High five. And you high five. Maybe 20 minutes later, hey, I have a secret to tell you. You lean in, whisper in her ear. Maybe you throw your arm over her shoulder. When you lean in, you have a reason for the touch. In other words, maybe you tease her about something. It's like what? You like the Michigan Wolverines. You need to go now. And you lightly, gently push her away, pretending that you're upset. But, of course, it's a joke. So, yeah, begin with small touches and taps on her arm or upper elbow. This gets her comfortable with you. And just see if she likes it or not. If she clearly doesn't like it or you're just not sure, then stop. If she does like it and she's expressing some physical things back toward you, keep going. So, yeah, think of physical expression. It's kind of like a stairway to intimacy with women if you have chemistry with them. And, yeah, women hate. Here's my last point on this. Women hate a handsy, octopus armed creep, but in general, they like a man who's comfortable with his physical expressiveness while also being aware of how she's responding. So be that guy. Don't be the octopus armed creep, but also don't be the guy who never touches her, because that's friend zone city. Be that guy who's physically expressive and then building a mutual win-win, clearly consenting, mutual physical fun. And who knows where the night may lead? All right, that will wrap it up for today's podcast. Happy Friday. Have an amazing weekend. Going out on dates, going out to approach, going out on the apps. And just remember, women already like you. They just have to meet the real, authentic you. I'll see you next time.

Thank you for listening to the Dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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