Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett.

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett. I'm the real life hitch. If hitch was a skinny nerdy ginger, who looked like a cross between the lead singer for Weezer and Ron Howard. Anyway, I help introverted men gain confidence, flirt with charm, overcome self doubt, and get a great amazing girlfriend. And doing all of this without any creepy, weird pickup artist BS, no toxic masculinity, This is about being your best, most authentic self with women. And I'm really psyched about today's pod because I have a very simple practical tip that I'm gonna share in just a few minutes about how to drastically cut down on getting ghosted, how to get ghosted a lot less, and how to get more dates. There's a very simple practical thing you can do. I'm gonna walk you through it by the end of this pod. And Ghosting is a big topic because ghosting is a thing that a lot of guys struggle with. If you're like most men, you get matches on the apps. But actually, if you're like most men, you don't get matches on the apps, at least not as many as you want. But then when you do get a good match, it's so often you send that opener and you get no reply, or maybe you do get a reply. And then she doesn't respond to your next message, and you just got ghosted. Or another common situation is maybe you're out in the world, socializing. You're at a party. Maybe you talk to a woman at a bar at a party, and you get her number. And then you say, hey, Jenny. It was nice meeting you. Great chatting with you. Crickets. Nothing back. And That really can bum you out because finally, you get a good lead. Finally, a woman you're excited to have a date with, or at least get to know better, and then she goes quiet. And it makes you wonder, what the heck am I doing wrong? Why do women ghost me? What do I have to write? What should I say? And today, I wanna help you fix that and cut away on ghosting and get a lot more matches and a lot more dates. And So I'm gonna give you my texting tip called the 3 times rule. It's a really simple system you can use to cut way down on ghosting and get more dates. Before I do that, I want to give you a quick overview of a really powerful, important tool that can be a real superpower in your dating life. So if you've read my book and even if you haven't, I wanna quickly take 20 seconds and go over what I call the 5 super values. What are super values? These are 5, let's think of them as 5 players on the basketball court. These are 5 players you need to have on the basketball court of your dating life if you wanna win games. And win an NBA championship. The 5 super values, this is all in my book, but I'll go over it really quick right now. Here are the 5 super values. The 5 super values are number 1, authenticity, being truly radically authentic with women. What that means is aligning your thoughts, your words, and your actions from a true, genuine place, and letting women see the real best you. Because that's your most attractive side. The second SUPERVALU is connection, the art of connecting with women in a masculine, feminine man to woman way. You don't need to create attraction with women. You need to spark connection. Attraction happens naturally if we get on that man to woman wavelength. So the second SUPERVALU is connection. The third one is courage. There are gonna be so many times in your dating life when you have to show courage, right, that first approach asking your crush out going for the first kiss. There are just moments when you have to have courage. That's your 3rd super value. The 4th is fun and playful. Hey. Dating should be fun. Women don't wanna go on a date with a guy who's super negative. Or boring. She wants to play. She wants to have fun. Cindy Loper was right. Girls, they wanna have fun, and the 5th and final SUPERVALU. And this is the one we're gonna talk about today. It's the least sexy, but it might be among the most effective is resilience. Resilience. In other words, tenacity, grit, determination. Look, if connecting with bright, beautiful, incredible women was easy, And if getting your dream girlfriend was easy, every guy would have that, but it's not always easy.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach, Conor Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connel or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps Book your free call today at dating transformation.comforward/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, Soon, Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

And it takes moments of resilience. Basically, it takes moments of persistence and not giving up and basically getting back up on the horse. So think of these 5 super values as the 5 starting players on your all star basketball team. Of your dating life. And you're the head coach. K? You're Pat Riley. You're a red are back. Boy, I'm old. Dating myself. You're you're, I can't even think of any modern day coaches. Right now. I haven't watched an NBA game in years, but, basically, you are Phil Jackson, and these five players are your Jordan, your pit, and your star players. Okay. So let's talk about resilience. There's a lot of ways to be resilient. And we're gonna get into the resilience of texting and how to stop getting ghosted. But here's an exam. Here are a couple examples from my dating life of what I mean by resilience. So resilience is essentially saying to yourself, I'm not gonna give up on my goal, on my outcome of finding love, or finding a woman, or dating the quality of women, or finding the single incredible woman who is my type. And resilience comes in all shapes and sizes. Resilience might be you go out to chat up women for the night, and the first 3 or 4 women you talk to blow you off, or maybe just weren't that interested in talking to you. And instead of licking your wounds, and, going home, you instead say, you know what? Let me do one more. Let me talk to one more woman. And see what happens. That would be an example of resilience. Another example of resilience might be you're on a date, and it's going okay. But it's not going great. It's going just fine. And part of you might say to yourself, well, this isn't going anywhere. Might as well end the date, but instead, you try a different approach. So let me give you a couple examples of resilience in my life. And then I'm gonna get to the 3 times rule, how to show resilience and persistence in your texting in a way to cut down on ghosting. Here's a couple examples of resilience. For in my life and also in my clients, the man I coach here in New York City. I coach men. I coach men all over the world, but I'll give a couple of examples of resilience from here in New York City. So here's resilience in action. I once went out to approach women when I was learning, being coached by other men and coaching myself. I would go out several days a week and I usually gave myself a goal. I said, I'm gonna go out and approach women, for 1 hour. Or until I get to 5 approaches, whichever comes first. And then I told myself that is what I'm gonna do, no matter what? I'm just gonna keep going. I'm gonna do my 5. So I would go out on a lot of Saturday afternoons, and I went out 1 Saturday afternoon. Many years ago here in New York City, I went to a park, a park called Madison Square Park. And the first woman I walked up to that day in Madison Square Park. I went up. I talked to her. I chatted. She was friendly. She was cool, but she wasn't that into me. I could kinda tell. I wasn't super into her. I asked for her number, and she said, I don't think so. I'm kinda seeing somebody. So I got a quick thanks, but no thanks. She was polite, but she just wasn't that interested. So I was over 1. Then the next girl I went up to, she happened to look a lot like Selena Gomez. I just remember thinking, woah, that girl's got a whole Selena Gomez thing going on. And I approached this woman. And she immediately rebuffed me with a pretty hard, fast rejection. And at the time, I'd already gotten pretty good at approaching women. So I didn't get very many harsh rejections, but this one was pretty, pretty instant. It was basically that she didn't look at me. She just looked down on her phone and said something like, no, thanks. I'm not interested. And just kept walking. And, of course, like a gentleman, I try to always be a gentleman. I said, all good. No worries. Nice meeting you. Bye bye. At the same time, though, I have to admit, I felt, I felt a little bit well, I'm a human too. I felt rejected. And I thought, man, maybe today is just not my day. Today is just not my day. Maybe I should go home. Maybe I should quit. Maybe I'm just not in the zone. I'll go home, hit the gym, reboot, and try again tomorrow. But I made myself a deal. I told myself, I'm gonna go out and chat up 5 girls today. And so it was basically that the deal I would make with myself was to do 5 approaches, or if I got a phone number before the 5th one, I could just basically -- celebrate that and quit or stop. Give myself a reward. So I said to myself, I'm not quitting until either get a phone number or a date. I'm sorry. Or I hit my 5. So I walked into Whole Foods, which is right located right there in this near this park, I walked into Whole Foods, and I saw a tall, beautiful, blonde woman in the middle of Whole Foods with a younger female, like, maybe a twelve, thirteen year old, and they were the the older woman who was probably mid twenties, She was doing yoga poses and showing them to her younger companion. And I looked at them and I thought, oh, that's probably big sister and little sister hanging out. And I remember thinking, is it creepy to walk up to an attractive woman while she's with her little sister? Is that gonna be awkward? Is that gonna be weird? Am I gonna get rejected again? Oh my god. Then I'll be 0 for 3. Then maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe women don't like me. Perhaps I should just move to a monastery, and become a monk. All these thoughts go through your head when you're on this, dating, approaching journey. But anyway, I quieted those thoughts, and I just said, no. Be resilient, Connell. Be resilient. Stick to your plan. Go chat up woman number 3. So I walked over, and I'm always trying to make approaching fun. Because once you can make approaching fun, man, The flood gates open becomes something you really enjoy doing. So I looked at the situation. I thought, okay. It's probably big sister, little sister, or maybe like big sister, little cousin. And they were both doing, like, a yoga pose, So I, and I thought, what would make this fun for me? How would I enjoy this? And I just thought, oh, you know what would be funny is if I walked over and I did a yoga pose with them, and I pretended like we were taking a class together. So I walk over, and I mirror the yoga pose that they were doing and I said something like, oh, hey. I love these Saturday morning yoga classes at Whole Foods. Or something like that. It was not necessarily the wittiest coolest thing in the world or the most clever opener But the thing about opening is it doesn't have to be that clever. The older woman, the one who I found really attractive, laughed and her younger companion laughed as well. And, basically, I had a really nice opening. And the situation was just pretty much what I suspected. It was big sister, little sister out for a Saturday afternoon. Now the older woman, her name is well, I don't wanna use her real name because who knows? I like to protect people's privacy. Let's say her name was Sarah. So Sarah was, at the time, this was 10 years ago or so. But at the time, Sarah was a writer, a model, part time model, a writer, Russian born, who was majoring in Russian literature. Why do I say all that? Because that's basically my dream girl. Basically, what man wouldn't want to be with a Russian born model who's also intelligent. She knows Russian literature. We talked about war and peace. We talked about her degree, just a total 10 out of 10 in my book. And she was hanging out with her little sister that afternoon. And Long story short, I chatted. I was very friendly with both of them. I did not flirt with Sarah. That'd be a little weird. To, like, flirt with a girl super, like, intensely, when she's right there with her kid's sister. So I just kept it friendly and just chatted with them both.

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Found out sort of what the deal was, what they were up to that day. And then after about 3 or 4 minutes, I said to Sarah, Hey. I gotta get going. I've got some things to do. But how about would you like to trade numbers if you cool the chat sometime when you're not busy with your sister here? And she was totally cool with that. Long story short, we exchanged numbers, and I got a date with a credible, beautiful model slash writer slash Russian Lit expert named Sarah. And I walked and so I walked home that day thinking, Wow. I'm so glad I kept going. I'm so glad I didn't take those first two blowouts as some sort of indication that you can't successfully approach women because that's not true. That was a really powerful reminder. Of the power of, being resilient of saying, you know what, over 2 isn't so bad. Let's go to let's get to 5. I'm a baseball fan. So oftentimes, I'll use the metaphor of a baseball player who might strike out the first couple times of the plate but you know what? He keeps swinging, and that's how he hits home runs. Aaron Judge last year hit, what was it, 62, 63 home runs? Setting the New York Yankees record. He also struck out something like 180 times. So he led the team in home runs. He also led the team in strikeouts. And that's just part of the game. Right? That's just baseball. And with going out with dating, especially with approaching, It's okay to strike out. It's okay to swing and miss, but you don't go home after you strike out a couple times in baseball. You keep swinging. You do the same thing with approaching. So you wanna stay resilient. So that's an example of resilience. One other quick example of resilience is a client I have who went on a date a while back. His name is Gerald. Gerald was on a 1st date, and his first date was not going that well. They were talking about what was not going well and they were talking about dating too much. Gerald and Emily. I'm sorry. Not Emily, Amy. Gerald and Amy were on our 1st date. And after about one drink 45 minutes into the date, he felt like it was going flat. And he later told me that he almost ended the date. He just almost made the assumption that they just didn't have a spark. Didn't have a connection. But because I had coached him on this, he said, no. Be resilient. Try something different. Maybe the topic isn't isn't right for us, and he was right about that. Amy and Gerald had been talking too much about dating at self, which isn't a great 1st date topic. Talking about dating too much, it's sort of like talking about why a joke is funny. If you over analyze comedy, it doesn't lose the humor. And if you over analyze dating on an actual date, it's too meta, and it doesn't let the 2 of you connect as people. So Gerald said, be resilient. What did he do? He changed locations. He invited her to have a second drink at a different spot. Very smart. That logistical change of venue sort of, rebooted the date. Got it almost, it's almost like it started over. And then he also changed the topics. He said, okay. No more talking about dating. I wanna find out about her. I wanna find out what makes her special, what makes her thing. I wanna share about myself, share my sense of humor, basically do fun, get to know you, flirty, and first date stuff. And by the end of the date, they had a really great, good night kiss, a really sexy, passionate, good night kiss. And last I checked, they're gonna see each other again. And that's the power of resilience is just saying, hey. Don't give up yet. Let's try something different. Let's be resilient. Right? Resil there's a real power in resilience, not just in dating, just in your life in general. I mean, stop right now and think about something you've done in your life that was truly incredible. Like, what is one of the greatest results or achievements of your life? What might that be? Did you learn a second language? Did you get a really hard to get degree, like, a law degree? A doctor degree, a medical degree. Did you start a business? Did you work really hard to lose weight? Did you? I've worked with guys who've dropped £200 and went from obese to 6 pack abs. I have a client who is 5 years sober. He went from alcohol and drug addiction to being a fitness fiend who has not had a drop of any drug or alcohol in 5 years, and he's now, so much healthier and happier. Think about anything amazing you've accomplished. It took a lot of resilience, didn't it? There were moments when you wanted to quit, moments when you doubted yourself. Moments when you just kinda had that moment of doubt. And then if you If you succeeded at this thing, I'm quite sure you said, you know what? I'm gonna be resilient. I'm gonna keep going. So that's the power of resilience in your dating life. Now let's apply this to texting. Let's talk about what I call the 3 times rule. Here's a way that you can be persistent, resilient in texting with women, and cut way down on ghosting and get more dates. Here's how we do it. So anytime you're texting with a woman, let's say you just matched with her on a dating app or you just got her number out in the world, you may, I would say not only may, you should, can, and should text her three times, before giving up and calling this a ghosting, because here's one of the biggest myths in dating. One unanswered text message does not count as getting ghosted. I'll say that again because it's so important. One unanswered text message does not equal getting ghosted. Now I know all about getting ghosted. I've seen more ghosts than Jack Nicholson in the Shining. I know all about it. But one unanswered message I learned is not ghosting. One unanswered message just means that she didn't respond. Maybe it wasn't a good enough text message, and she wanted something a bit more interesting and funnier. Maybe you didn't even ask her a question. I have a lot of clients. They send a text message to a woman. It might even be a good one. It might be one that offers value that makes her smile. But some women get stuck in their head. They don't know what to write. And so some guys say, oh, Connell, I got ghosted. Shelly from hinge. Oh, she's so beautiful. Man, I was so excited about her, but she ghosted me. And I'll say, okay. Send me this screenshot. Because with all my clients, I'm basically like, IT support for their dating life. They can just shoot me a screenshot, shoot me a text message with a girl, and I get back to them. It's part of what my coaching does. So I'll look at the screenshot and his opener was, oh, hey. What's up? Happy Monday. Hope you're having a good Monday. And then she doesn't respond to that. And he thinks he's getting ghosted just because a woman doesn't respond to hope you're having a great Monday. That's not a great text. But it's not awful. It's not the reason she didn't respond was probably because she didn't know what to say. And because his text message didn't invite a response. So instead of saying, that's not ghosting, that's just a woman not responding to one message. So what you wanna do is follow what I call the 3 times rule. The 3 times rule is you send that first message or you send a message, Whether it's the first or the 10th in a sequence. But let's say it's the first message that doesn't get a response. You don't give up. You send a second message. You send a p s to the first message, or maybe you take a totally different tack. And instead, hey. Hope you're having a good Monday. Message number 2 is, oh, by the way, here's a picture of my dog. Benny and I are swimming, and Benny's doing the doggy paddle. What do you think of his style? And all of a sudden, a woman's gonna be way more likely to respond. To a video of your dog swimming in a pool, then she would have, hey. Hope you're having a good Monday. And then if a woman doesn't respond to the 3rd second message, you can send a third one. That's right. You can send 3. And as long as your messages are offering value, they're giving her something. Because the biggest mistake men make in texting, there's 2 big mistakes.

1 is they give up too quickly. They're not resilient, in other words. 2, is their text message doesn't offer anything. They're just asking boring lame questions. How's your day? How are you? How was your Monday? How was your weekend? What are you up to? Instead of giving value in the form of A good question. A good question. Not a boring question. Giving value in the form of a joke or a dog video or a cat meme, or maybe a callback joke, something that 2 of you laughed and joked about if you have spoken already. Anyway, the big 2 mistakes men make with texting is they don't offer value in their texts. They take rather than give and also just not being persistent. And then they look at one unanswered text message and they see it as being ghosted. Let me give you an example of the 3 times rule in action. Let me call up a text exchange that I found with my client. Nicholas. So I'm gonna read to you. This is tech. This was back in April. So it's been a little while. So my clients, my client, Nicholas, matched with a woman named Emily, really attractive. Brunette with a great smile. This is on hinge. So Nicholas wrote, Nicholas matched with Emily, Hi there, Emily. Did you take a field trip this weekend? I don't even know what that opener means, but she must have put something on her profile about taking a field trip. No answer. On April 22nd, no answer. Okay. 3 days later. April 25th. Now right then and there, most guys are gonna say, She didn't answer me. I'm ghosted. April 25th, 2 days, 3 days later. So, Emily, How does hinge work? Do I silently wait for our wedding date? And there's a little wedding, sorry, engagement ring emoji. No answer to that one. That was a mess that was message number 2. That was a pretty good one. Now notice how he's asking questions, but he's asking questions that are about something from her profile. In the first case, her field trip question could have gotten an answer for whatever reason it didn't. Second question, was it just kind of fun, cheeky, hey. Are we engaged now? Because we're on hinge type of question. No answer, though. So Nicholas took one more shot. One day later, on 26th, he sent her an audio message of about 30 seconds. Now I can't play it for you because I don't have access to his hinge. But it was a 32nd audio And on the audio, he mentioned something about going to a kind of spa. That she talks about on her profile. And he also cracked some kind of joke. I don't know what it was. Bottom line, though, he tried something different. The first two texts did not get a response. So he said, hey. I'm gonna be resilient. I'm gonna try something different. He sent an audio message. Now it just so happens Nicholas has a nice voice. He's articulate. And seeing his openers didn't get her to reply, but Emily got the audio message. She wrote back, hi, Nicholas, all, 2 exclamation points. That message was pretty adorable, and it definitely worked. She's actually giving him dating feedback. Basically saying she's actually saying you're being persistent and charming, and it's working. And then she heard her next question was, what's a Korean spa? Whatever that means, I don't even know what a Korean spa is. But his audio is about spas and a Korean spa. And then they start texting and now he's got a good dating lead that's alive. That's alive. So that's the 3 times rule in action. The first one or 2 don't work. Try a third one. Try something different. Maybe send an audio message. Maybe, try cracking a joke, a knock knock joke, a dad joke, it doesn't really matter what you try. The reason why this works, just to give you a little psychological window into women, is that Think about it. Think about this from a woman's point of view. A woman, a desirable intelligent, good catch of a woman. She has literally 100, maybe 1000. Of likes on a given dating app. Potentially thousands. I've been on dates with women, and I said, can I see your hinge real quick? And, like, fairly attractive women, not models, just attractive. And I looked there. I looked at their, their, like, Queue, and they were, like, maxed out into the thousands. One woman had 4000 lakes. Another woman I had a date with a while back a couple years ago had 9999 likes. On that dating app, which literally means that's the highest number it goes. So the bottom line is women have an insane abundance of men trying to date them. So think about it from a woman's point of view. Is she gonna answer the first text message all the time? She's busy. She's got other guys trying to hit her up. And also, she's also trying to weed you out. And decide if you are quote, unquote man enough, charming enough, cool enough to get her interested in you. And so if you give up on the first message, you're basically saying I'm not persistent enough to pursue you. But so do you. We don't want to give up after 1. At the same time, you don't wanna give up. I'm sorry. You don't wanna, like, overdo it and send 10 messages. That's the other overcorrection that you don't wanna make because it says eager, needy, butt hurt, So think about it like this. The three times rule is that nice sweet spot. If you give up after only one text message, you're basically saying, I'm not man enough to pursue you. I or you're saying I give up too soon. If you send 10 messages, You come across as over eager, needy. Yeah. That's bad. Just try hard. Because I really do believe in the idea of dating abundance. If 3 or so messages does not get her interested in me in you, then I say, okay. Let's move on. There's other fish in the sea. Totally fine. But I can as much as I can promise anything on a podcast, I can't promise anything to you, specifically, but this is a pretty darn close to a promise. If you follow the three times rule, you will absolutely, highly likely, get dates with women you otherwise never would have met. If you gave up after just one text. I know this for a fact from my dating life. I had multiple women. They didn't answer the first message. But the second or third message, especially because it offered value, made them smile, they would say, oh, hey, Connell. Sorry. I got so busy last week. I missed your messages. How are you? Yeah. Let's get that drink. That happened to me many times. And I even had a couple women over the years. One of them actually said after my second or third message, she said, oh, hey. Thanks for following up. I just wanted to see how persistent you are. So women are noticing persistence. They're noticing charm. So follow the three times rule. You'll get ghosted less, and you'll get a lot more dates. Okay. That's a wrap for today. Thank you so much for listening. And, by the way, if it's not clear from the ad spots on my pod, I'm available for free, phone assessments consultations with any guy, such as yourself, who is looking potentially for a dating coach. It's a free call. It's about 30 minutes. We hop on the phone, and I help you get clear on what dating problems you wanna fix. And what dating problems of yours I can fix. So if you ever wanted to do a free consultation with me because you are interested in at least finding out how dating coaching works, all you have to do is go to my website, datingtransformation.com. Okay. End of plug. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, beautiful, attractive, amazing women out there. They already like you. They just have to meet the real authentic you. See you next time.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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