Just so you know, I’m not like other dating coaches and dating consultants.
First of all, unlike most other “experts,” I personally faced—and fixed—every single common problem that men have in the dating arena. Feeling beautiful women are out of your league? Check. Anxiety when you want to approach that gorgeous girl but something holds you back? Check. Stuck in the friend zone, dateless, running out of things to say, full of anxiety and doubt? Check, check and check.
Also, the typical dating expert falls in love with his or her method. I fall in love with my client’s results—getting him towering confidence and success with an amazing woman, all while being 100% authentic.
The reason I can speak with authority about other dating experts and consultants is because I’ve worked with more than a dozen of them. I spent the better half of a decade traveling the world, training with coaches and experts, as I went from shy and dateless to confident and popular with women. Along the way, I learned what works and what doesn’t—in EVERY area of dating success. You name it, I can help you fix it:
So, on my road to becoming a dating expert, here are eight things I’ve learned from my many mentors along the way.
One of my biggest mentors is Owen Cook, a deep teacher and a fine coach. (If you read the book, The Game, you know him as Tyler Durden.) Cook is an innovative, influential mentor who taught me that success with women can be more than a way to get girls. It can be a powerful form of self-development.
A decade ago, Cook was the first high-profile dating guru to stop using rehearsed, “canned” routines and instead start meeting women in a vulnerable, present-to-the-moment way. When I began to learn about dating, I assumed I had to be amazingly witty, funny and charismatic to get a girl into me—hey, she wasn’t gonna date me for my great body or amazing looks. (If Ron Howard and the Heatmiser had a love child, he’d look like me.) But Cook showed me the power of presence. If you’re truly present with a woman, your brain will tell you what to say—and it will be better than any “pickup line” or canned routine that you prepared.
Back when Cook was coaching me, we were at a trendy, hotel-rooftop lounge in a New York City hotel. He pointed toward a table and told me to approach a brunette and a blonde who were sitting with a massive, muscle-bound guy. I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend with arms thicker than my thighs. But I summoned the courage, walked over and said hi. The brunette’s eyes got big and wide. She leaned in. “Oh my god! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” (I thought, “Umm, a creep who’s about to get his skinny ass kicked by your burley boyfriend?) “You’re normal!” She pointed to a man sitting at another table; he was looking in our direction. “See that guy over there? He’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” The hulking dude, by the way, was just a friend and could not have been cooler. The four of us talked for a bit, and I traded numbers with the brunette. I felt for the “staring guy” because that used to be me. He’s a good dude, I’m sure—he just couldn’t summon the will to take action, so he stared instead, paralyzed by fear and doubt. And he stayed dateless. Cook later said something that stayed with me: “Is it a little weird having to learn how to talk to girls? Yeah, it kinda is. You know what’s even weirder? Not learning how.”
Most dating and “pickup” coaches teach technique, technique, technique. They’re filling your head with more information, and it’s hurting you.
As a dating coach, I can tell you that success with women is 80% psychology, 20%
technique. Heck, for some guys it’s 90/10!
Take approaching. I could give a guy the world’s greatest opening line but if he feels low, unattractive, unworthy, the “move” won’t work.
But give me a guy who’s confident, present, feeling good—and whose mind is free from too many tricks and tips? He could roll up and recite the opening-day lineup for the ’86 Mets and she’ll LOVE him. Because attraction is about energy and emotions.
Take it from a dating expert: techniques are important but way overrated.
I still hear some pickup-artist types talk about women as “targets” to be conquered.
She’s not a target. She’s a person.
At one seminar, the instructor told us in the audience that if a woman at a bar felt uncomfortable with our advances, we should use a “statement of empathy” to defuse her negative reaction. That’s treating her like a thing, not a person.
A “statement of empathy” sounds like something Ted Bundy might have used to get hitchhikers into his car.
How about being highly attuned to a woman’s feelings so that she never, ever feels uncomfortable—even for a single second?
Instead of a statement of empathy, how about, you know, actual empathy?
Self-doubt is the villain. If you’re like most men, you feel you’re not enough to date amazing women and get your dream girl. You feel like being dateless has to do with who you are or what you look like. Not rich enough, not tall enough, not good-looking enough… not SOMETHING enough.
Self-doubt is kryptonite for your confidence. And it’s what stops you from approaching, it puts you in the friend zone, and it makes you settle for less, or for loneliness.
You must know who your enemy is, so you can defeat him.
The great news? You have something inside of you that women find magnetic: your authenticity. Your mom was right: girls like you for YOU.
I met far too many coaches who lacked integrity. So here’s what the word means to me.
Total integrity means that I like and respect women. They’re not trophies. A woman is a person of divine perfection—just like you are. And she should be treated that way, just like you should be.
Total integrity means that, unlike most dating gurus, I use my real name (Google me!).
I’m not a pickup artist who uses tricks and tactics. (I don’t look good draped in shiny medallions.) I teach cutting-edge self-development for men who want to date like gentlemen, and I’m proud of it.
Total integrity means that I’m looking out for YOU. I would never let you do anything that’s not in your best interest. I’ve got your back.
Too many dating consultants I worked with over the years gave me information, rather than results—the transformation.
Odds are, I’m not the only dating coach you know about. From emails to Google to YouTube, there are literally hundreds of thousands of tips and techniques at your fingertips.
And that’s the problem. You’re drowning in information, and you’re starved for wisdom.
You’re starved for what works.
That’s where I come in. Wisdom brings transformation: phone numbers, dates, that life-changing girlfriend, towering confidence and knowing you’re enough.
Other coaches offer information. I offer transformation.
If you want to learn about How To Pick Up Girls—in an authentic, classy way—that’s easy. You don't have to remain dateless. Just book a free call with me, and I’ll give you a roadmap to do just that. Just click here, and let’s talk.
Connell Barrett is an acclaimed NYC dating coach for men, helping dateless men around the world. He's appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show, as well as in publications such as O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and more. Book a free call with Connell by clicking here.
I'm dating coach Connell Barrett. I help men build confidence and connect with women by being authentic!BOOK A FREE CALL
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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