Hey, Connell! I’ve been struggling in my conversations with women. I know I need to be “Man-to-Woman, like you say in your book. Otherwise, you end up in the friend zone. I’m tired of mediocre dates, and women saying “I just didn’t feel a connection.” Can you help? Got any cool flirting moves?
—Brian, 37, Miami
Brian, think about flirting moves on a date as frosting on a cake—less is more. The cake is YOU: your authentic, real, best self.
That said, women do want a guy who can flirt. So, here are 9 moves you can call on when you need to know how to create chemistry with women and make those sparks fly on dates.
On dates, playful teases and sincere compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.
Push: Playfully showing disinterest
Pull: Showing interest
Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both
It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling curiosity. A push-pull gives her a more emotionally-layered experience. It’s two singular tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s cup of flirting.
Heck, the title of my book resonates because it’s a push-pull. “Dating Sucks [push] but You Don’t [pull].”
Here are some push-pull examples.
“You’re either the coolest girl I’ve met in a while or the dorkiest. I’m just not sure which.”
“I was falling for you until you said [comment she made].”
“You’re so cute—you remind me of my little sister.”
“We should go on a date, as long as you promise not to stalk me.”
Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment.
And when you get good, you can stack several into a conversation. I was once vibing with a petite, 20-something graduate student I had just met in a dark lounge in Brooklyn. I noticed she used old-timey phrases like “pep in my step” and “back in my day.” I said, “I’m fascinated [pull] by you. You’re this sexy [pull] young woman—probably too young for me [push]. And you talk like my grandma [push]. I don’t know whether to kiss you [pull] or watch ‘Matlock’ with you [push].” She loved it.
Many guys are afraid to flirt and to tease a girl. A push-pull lets you do both, dialing-up romantic tension.
A big mistake that men make when trying to flirt with women is to fawn over them. That is, being too impressed by a woman too quickly.
Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!” Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. It feels needy, even desperate. That’s a big turn-off.
So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal.
Here are examples of being affected by her, but not fawning over her.
“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”
“That dress is very… wow. Anyway…”
“You make it hard for me to clink thearly.”
[After she says something you approve of] “That makes me want to make out with you, but I’ll try to behave myself.”
To see a master flirt in action, go to YouTube and watch clips of comedian Craig Ferguson on his old CBS talk show, “The Late Late Show.” Whenever a beautiful starlet was his guest, he always let his attraction show—yet he did it with humor and class, and he never fawned.
If an interaction isn’t going the way you’d like, change her mood, not her mind. That is, don’t use logic. Try humor or storytelling or tease her. Spike the interaction.
For a few weeks, I had been trying for a first date with Annie—a kind, curious private-equity real-estate agent I’d connected with on a dating app. We couldn’t get our schedules aligned.
One day she sent me a polite blow-off message. Instead of trying to logically change her mind (a failing strategy!), I cracked a few silly jokes. The result? Just a few messages after seeming to reject me, Annie called ME to set up a date. Here’s the text exchange showing how I did it.
ANNIE: Hey sorry I won’t be able to meet you. I am talking to someone I’m interested in getting to know. But best of luck.
ME: No worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection. But I’ll have to return the engagement ring I bought you [RING EMOJI]
ANNIE: Lol. Sorry I’m just an honest person… But hey, perhaps it will be a terrible date.
ME: I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you! & you can give the guy you like most a rose, like on “the Bachelorette.”
ANNIE: Lol! That would be different fer sure. It’s too bad that you and I never connected. I just don’t like dating more than one guy.
ME: No worries. I only spent $7 on your ring so it’s OK. A fake diamond. Diamond-oid.
ANNIE: Perfect. I’m clumsy and I probably would fall and lose the ring.
ME: Phew! Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, you’re adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. [HEARTBREAK EMOJI]
ANNIE: LMAO. I can’t help it. I’m clumsy.
ME: That is SO you. It’s why I proposed to you, Cupcake? [WEDDING EMOJI]
ANNIE: Hahaha. You’re cute. Maybe I should meet you.
ME: Lol. Thanks. If I’m cute, then you’re suuuper cute. I’m just trying keep up. You have a great sense of humor. & Don’t worry. I never propose till date no 2.
ANNIE: Haha. We should meet up. Imma call you in a min…
Seconds later, my phone rang, we talked for a half hour, and two nights later we had a great date that ended with her spending the night.
And all I did was have fun with her, rather than trying to logically convince her to meet with me, which would not have worked.
If you want to change her mind, change her mood.
I was wing-manning one afternoon for my client James who was chatting with women at a bookstore. He was relaxed and real with me, but whenever he approached a girl, he would adopt the sycophantic mannerisms of a concierge at a four-star hotel. He walked up to one woman, bowed (!), and said, “And how are you this fine evening?” I’m surprised he didn’t offer to help with her luggage.
Remove the mask. Be you. Be authentic. You are enough.
Do this. Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic with them, not trying to impress them or be someone you’re not.
You want to text a woman you’re interested in the same way as you text your friend, but just with a little bit of Man-to-Woman Communication.
Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone. Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, so when I met Katie on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her and accused her of checking out my (non-existent) ass.
The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth. If you have a cheeky side that’s not coming out with women, try a dash of cockiness.
Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous. And a little goes a long way.
We all want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let a woman know an inner quality you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her. Lots of guys have likely told her how beautiful she is on the outside, but you’re that rare man who also sees the beauty within.
A fun way to tease is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal-breaker.
HER: “I’m more of a cat person than a dog person.”
YOU: “What? No! That’s a deal-breaker. I knew you were too good to be true.”
HER: “No, I like dogs! I just love cats, more.”
YOU: “Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians.”
HER: [Laughing] “No, I really do love dogs.”
In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested a person is in something, the more they want that something.
To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern—that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction for her, which enhances something called “emotional state transference.”
Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.
Now you know how to create chemistry on a date. Instant attraction occurs when you pique her curiosity and don't seem like every other guy. Be yourself, talk casually, tease, authentically compliment, and simply have fun. Electricity between a man and a woman only happens when both parties buy-in. You have everything you need to connect with women inside of you. So, go out there and create some chemistry!
Need more help? Book a meeting with me.
Dating coach for men, Connell Barrett, has helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. Book a meeting with Connell here. For more dating tips, find his book "Dating Sucks But You Don't" on Amazon or listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend.
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I'm dating coach Connell Barrett. I help men build confidence and connect with women by being authentic!
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