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5 Ways to Flirt, Connect and Make Sparks Fly with Your Ideal Woman

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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You know what’s worse than a big hunk of coal in your Christmas stocking? Approach anxiety, getting ghosted, and getting locked up in the friend zone after a first date. Ho-ho-NOOO!

In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett helps you fix all of those problems by taking some questions from listeners. You’re about to learn…

  • Connell’s personal formula for taking massive approaching action
  • A texting tip you’ve NEVER heard before
  • The biggest dating mistake he ever made, which led to his biggest breakthrough
  • How to NOT get ghosted
  • A confidence “hack” to make you feel MUCH more attractive

Listen now, so you can STOP feeling stuck with women, and START making sparks fly with cool, cute girls, as your most authentic self.



“I sound like the love child of Suzanne Pleshette and Danny DeVito”

-Connell Barrett

Featured in the episode

Connell Barrett

Founder and Executive Coach of Dating





00:00 - Introduction

00:58 - Ignite Change: Embrace Disturbance and Take Massive Action

05:35 - The Internal Struggle: Devil Stabs Angel, Motivation to Approach Women

06:58 - Personalized Guidance: Boosting Confidence and Attracting Women

11:20 - The Regret of Hiding: Learning from Dating Mistakes

12:21 - Creating a Persona: Embellishing Adventures for Compatibility

13:37 - A Year of Transformation: Taking Positive Action and Embracing Authenticity

16:09 - Transforming Confidence: Finding your Dream Girl Through Self-Improvement

19:27 - Crafting Engaging Texts: Building Excitement and Intrigue

22:18 - Authenticity Over Lines: Emphasizing Confidence in Dating

21:18 - The Common Question: What to Say When Approaching a Woman?

24:12 - Outro

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I sound like the love child of Suzanne Pleshette and Danny DeVito.


Connell Barrett:


Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an incredible girlfriend, A woman who loves you for you. And to do all of this without any creepy pickup artist moves. In fact, we're using A superpower called Radical Authenticity, showing women your best true, most confident, real self. And today I'm gonna help you solve 4 or 5 big dating problems. If you are a guy who has struggled with Motivating yourself to go out and approach women. If you struggled with approaching anxiety, then This is an episode for you.

If you struggle with texting, you're not sure what to say or how to say it, this is an episode for you. And if you go on dates, but the dates just don't seem to go well. Women say, hey, it was nice meeting you, but I just wasn't feeling that spark. And, keep listening because we're gonna talk about 4 or 5 common problems, and I'm gonna give you 5 common or 5 personalized Connell Authenticity solutions. So let's get to it, and I'm gonna take dating questions. These are actually questions that gentlemen have sent me on TikTok and Instagram. And so let's just get right to it. Let's take it 1 question at a time.

Let's start with the first question. It comes from Jerry from TikTok. And Jerry shot me an instant DM, a TikTok message, and he said, hey, Connell. How do you smash through The approaching anxiety? And how did you say, how do you approach how you smash through anxiety? And how did you get motivated to go out And take so much approaching action? And that's from Jeremy. Thank you for the question, Jeremy. Okay.

So if you want to take massive Approaching action, but you're not doing it right now. Here's what you need to do. 1st, you need to get Disturbed by where you are. You have to look at your current state of inaction, be really honest with yourself, and say, This changes today. You got to get disturbed and say this changes now. Let me give you a story from my own journey about how I went from paralyzing approach anxiety to being able to approach women with a lot of confidence and great success. It happened almost exactly 15 years ago. I was at a Starbucks on Park Avenue in New York City on a Sunday afternoon.

And I'm sitting at my table drinking my coffee, and I look over and I see this really Beautiful, intriguing brunette who was reading a book while on her phone doing a little bit of both. And I remember she looked like Katie Holmes. You might be too young to remember Katie Holmes, but in the late double zeros, she was my big crush, and I wanted so badly to go over to go over and approach her. So here's what I did. I got up. I walked over to her. She was sitting all by herself in the middle of Starbucks. There was even an empty chair next to her and I walked over, and I walked around her and went to the men's room, splashed some cold water on my face. I I said I looked in the mirror and said, you can do this. You can do this. I walked back out. I went back to her Table. And I walked 2, 3 feet away from her and I opened my mouth and nothing came out. And I went And I did this 1 or 2 more times. I sort of circled her chair and table like a frightened shark, Too afraid to go up and try to take a bite and here's what was holding me back. I remember thinking, oh my gosh. What if she rejects me? I'm gonna feel so awful. I'm gonna feel like women just don't like me. And then I thought, oh, gosh. See those 2 guys over there? There were 2 guys sitting at a table nearby. If they see me get shot down by this cool, gorgeous brunette, oh, man, I'm going to feel so embarrassed. It's going to be so awkward.

And I went back over to my seat to try to psych myself up again. And About 5 minutes later, she gets up and she walks out of the Starbucks and out of my life forever. And I remember thinking as she walked away, Damn it, Connell. There's the 1 thousandth Attractive, intriguing woman you could have gone and chatted with if only you'd taken that chance. You suck. You suck. You suck. I told myself, you suck.

Here's the thing. When I walked over there before she left, it was almost like there was a little There was an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other shoulder. The little angel said, dude, go talk to her. You're a successful journalist. You're a good guy. You have a lot to offer. On the other side, the other angel was saying, no. What if she rejects you? You'll get embarrassed.

And then eventually, the devil angel just stabbed the sorry. The devil stabbed the angel with a pitchfork, and the fearful doubtful side of me won out. And I remember sitting down and writing out on this napkin, You suck. You suck. You suck. I got so mad at myself, and that was actually the moment I decided I had to fix my approach anxiety. I had to smash through this resistance, and I had to go out and take massive action. And that was the 1st day I went out and found the person who coached me first in terms of approaching women.

And so Even though that moment was really painful to me at the time, it was actually a good kind of pain because I transformed that pain into action.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, Undesirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today To see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, More dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic Connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, So you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients.

So book a call today while you still can. Go to

I am done. I am done with approaching anxiety. I am done, feeling not enough. I am done letting cool, cute, attractive women in New York City who were all around me walk by me without me ever taking a chance. I'm just done feeling like half a man to women. Now that was a painful moment, but it was actually really Powerful because that's what put me on the path I went on to become really great at dating and eventually to become a dating coach. So The short answer to your question is if you want motivation to go out and really take action, get disturbed. Say I am done letting beautiful women walk by me without saying hi. Say I am done telling myself I'm not enough. Say, I am done settling for loneliness or settling for women I'm not that into. I'm gonna start taking action now and then take some kind of positive action at that very moment. You gotta get disturbed. We don't smash through approach anxiety and resistance through magic. We do it by a decision, And that decision can start with you getting disturbed and saying never again. I'm gonna fix this now.

Okay. Great question. Let's do another one. Hey, Connell. Oh, sorry. This is from Nicko, Nico. This is from Nico, who sent me an email. Hey, Nico.

Sorry. Hey, Connell. Can you give me a texting tip that I've never heard before. I like that. Yes. Here is a texting tip that you've never heard before. I guarantee you this. I want you to text girls like you're a girl.

Don't text them in some masculine alpha Nagging bullshit toxic pickup artist way. Text girls like you're a girl. What I mean by that is use emojis, use a lot of emotional language, I feel, what do you feel type of statements. Be very expressive. Text like a chick is what I'm saying. This sounds counterintuitive, but it works. My girlfriend, Jess, She told me before our 1st date, I love our banter. I love how we text.

And on our 2nd date, she actually said, yeah. You kinda text like a girl, But I like it because, hey, women love emotions, emojis, feel statements, playfulness. So make your text messages sound like you are a teeny bopper girl, and you're gonna start Getting a lot more responses from the women you text because they're gonna like that emotional language that's being filtered through your best authentic Self. Okay. I hope that one made sense. Next question comes from Jay, Jay Lan Jay Lane. Jay Lane. Jay Lane.

Jay Lane asks me, hey, Connell. What If you could go back in time and give your younger self some dating advice about a big mistake you made, What would that be? Wow. That's a really good deep question. What is the biggest mistake I've ever made? I would say among the biggest mistakes I've ever made, maybe number 1, but in the top 5 for sure, would be going out on dates and putting on a front, basically Trying to be somebody I wasn't. Yeah. Let's go with number 1. The biggest dating mistake I ever made was going out on dates and wearing a mask and trying to do an impression of somebody else who I thought she wanted instead of being my authentic self. Here's a quick story.

There was a girl, a woman named Lauren, who I was Absolutely madly in love with. And I remember our 1st date, my 1st date with Lauren. I remember thinking she needs to really be attracted to me, so I'm going to play the part of this adventurous, Outdoorsy adventure guy. Her dating profile mentioned how she likes men of adventure and she likes the outdoors. That is not me, by the way. But I said, I'm gonna put on this persona for Lauren. So on our 1st date, I started to lie about all these adventury things that I claim to be doing. I told her I swam with sharks off the coast of Costa Rica.

I'm afraid of boats, let alone swimming with sharks, but I thought that's what she wanted to hear. I told her I was taking it. I was starting to get my airline pilot's license. I'm kind of afraid to fly, but I thought, oh, Lauren wants a cool Adventure pilot type. And here's the thing. I am a terrible liar. I'm so bad at it. When I lie, My forehead starts to sweat. My face slips and slides.

I look like Richard Nixon, you know, in a hot debate. And here I am just lying my ass off to this cool woman on a date. And, of course, her friend zoned me. Of course, she wasn't into me because she could probably tell I wasn't being myself. Even though she might not have known I was actually lying, she could probably tell that this guy is not being himself. So fast forward 1 year though. After I started taking a lot of great Positive action and becoming really authentic on dates, Lauren and I met up again. She gave me a 2nd chance.

And on my 2nd Round of dates with her. By then, I had discovered the power of being authentic and letting women see that Best fun, flirtiest, real me. So I was cracking my jokes. I was cracking dad jokes. I was teasing her, because I'm a natural born smartass. I was named mister Smartass in my college, freshman year dorms. I used to love Letterman because I have such a similar sense of humor, so I was teasing her. I was using my dad's jockey sense of humor.


I was being really vulnerable and really Talking about musical theater. I'm a musical theater guy. And all of a sudden, Lauren I could see her getting really into me. And I moved in for that 1st kiss, and we made out, and we dated for a while. She didn't become my girlfriend, but we had a really nice series of dates. And so the biggest mistake I ever made back in the day was being somebody I'm not. And the best thing I ever did for my dating life was to really show women that true, real, best version of me Because here's the thing.


Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, Lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number 1 Amazon best selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating Sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold, In paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks, but You Don't Today. To transform your confidence and find your dream girl.


A woman is going to become very attracted to the real core of you if she likes your type. There's no way she's gonna be attracted to the guy you're impersonating, the cool pickup artist, the cool James Bond type dude. You can't keep that up for very long. Maybe you can keep it up for a date or 2, but she's gonna find out. So you may as well give her the good stuff. You may as well pour a shot of barrel aged, a 180 proof you. Okay. Next question.

We got time for 2 more before my voice goes out. Let's see here. We did online dating already. We did texting. How about Oh, here's a good question. Excuse me. Hey, Connell. Pardon me.

Hey, Connell. This is from Randy from Instagram. Randy from Instagram asks, hey, Connell. What's your opinion on how often you text a woman between setting up the date and going on the date? How should I text her? A lot? A little? Not at all? Great question, Randy. Here's how often to text a woman between setting up the date and going on the date. As often as you want, as long as your texts are offering her value. You can text a woman as many times as you want within reason, as long as you're giving her something.

You're cracking a joke. You're asking her a good question. You're sending her a fun update about your life, your weekend. You're sending her a dog video, so You can text as much as you want as long as they're texts that offer authentic value. If you text her bad, Boring text messages like, how's your day? How are you? What'd you do this weekend? Hi. Or you're just talking about boring topics, Then don't text her at all. But ideally between the moment you set up the date and the actual 1st date, Here's how you want to think of texting a woman between landing the date and the 1st date. Think of your text messages as Movie trailers and the 1st date is the main feature of the movie.

What does a movie trailer do? It gets us excited about going to see that movie. Similarly, your text messages leading up to that 1st date should get her excited about meeting up with you. You could text her things like, Oh, Hey, I just wanted you to know I got a new haircut, so I look really cute for tomorrow night's date. You could text her something like, hey, I'm at the gym getting my pecs ripped, so I'm gonna be huge for you. Hashtag Super nervous. Hope she likes me. Basically, you wanna crack jokes and give her glimpses of that true best authentic you, And she's not only going to not flake on the date, she's going to be excited about meeting you. I can't tell you how many women have texted me.

Oh, I'm super psyched about tomorrow. It's tomorrow. I can't wait. Or I remember 1 when I had my big breakthrough about how to text women, 1 girl texted me and I quote, I'm really excited to see your smart ass tonight. So, yes, text between getting the date and the actual date and think of it as Coming attraction trailers for the big event, and and then, hey, let's hope that movie goes great. Okay. We have time for 1 more question. Okay.

We've already done 2 texting. We've done first dates. We did a big picture question about approaching. Oh, here's a good one. Let's do 1 more. Let's do 1 more approaching question. This one comes from Aaron in Upstate New York. He put his location here, and he's from Instagram.

Aaron writes, Hey, Connell, What do I say when I approach a girl? What's the right thing to say? This is probably the most common question I get is, what do I say when I approach a woman? What's the right thing to say? And Here's the answer. If you want to know the right thing to say, there is no right thing to say when you approach a woman. What's most important that you do when you approach a woman is you fully commit to the approach. Just like Michael Jordan had to commit to driving into the paint, just like an actor has to commit to a role. Heath Ledger committed to that role as the Joker in, The Dark Knight. You have to commit to the approach. So stop worrying about what words you use And start focusing on fully committing to the approach, regardless of what words you use. Think about it.

I could give you the single best Fanciest pickup line right now. I'll give you the words, but the words won't matter if you walk up to her And you're walking on eggshells and your voice really soft and you ask permission with your eyes and your body is turned away, The best line in the world won't work if you're timid and small, but I could give you a very I could give you a mediocre pickup line like, Hey, what's up? How are you? That's pretty banal. But if you walk up to a woman and you're standing tall, Good eye contact, looking her in the eye, a little, a little cheeky smile. And you say, Hey, who are you? What's up with you today? And if your vibe says, I belong here. I am worthy of you. My authentic self is enough. Then you could say something that's not very good, and it'll go great. So stop worrying about the exact words you say, Aaron, And start focusing on fully committing with your voice, eye contact, posture. Let her know you're there and that you belong To be there.

I will give you a little bonus tip though. If you want an awesome thing to say to any woman anywhere, here it is. I'll use your name just because you're the one who asked. Here it is. Hi, I'm Aaron, and I just wanted to say hi because I wanted to meet you. I'll say it again. Hi. I'm Aaron, and I just wanted to meet you.

That's vulnerable. It's direct, but G rated, so it's not creepy. And it's not sexual, so it's probably not creepy to her. And it's beautiful. It's just a beautiful, vulnerable thing to do. And then the chips are going to fall somewhere. Who knows where they're going to fall, but they'll fall somewhere. Okay.

That's a wrap. My voice is out of fuel today. My voice sounds like a love child. I sound like the lovechild of Suzanne Pleshette and Danny DeVito. But anyway, thank you for listening. And until next time, remember your dream Incredible, wonderful girlfriend. She's already out there, and she already likes you as long as she meets the real authentic you. Bye.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, Go to See you next time.


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Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

dating sucks but you don't #1 Amazon bestseller

Get this Book & Attract Your Dream Girlfriend


NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001

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