Intro:

Unless you're on the Antiques Roadshow, never show a stranger your junk.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connel Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an incredible girlfriend, one who loves you for you, all by being authentic. No pickup artist tricks needed. And today, we have a fun episode. We're gonna ask the Dating Coach. I'm gonna open up the mailbag because I recently received 2 very interesting compelling questions, and let's just get right to it. I'm gonna take 2 questions from 2 people who found me out.

1 found me on Instagram, and the other one sent me an email to my work email. Here we go. Let's ask the dating coach. Question number 1 is, dear Connell, I was texting somebody on a dating app. She sent me some nudes, and I sent back some r rated shots. It felt like it had a great vibe, but it was a scam. The next message told me to, quote, cooperate and send $2,000 or else they would send the photos to everyone I know on Facebook, including my mom and my boss. I sent $250 over a Cash App.

Should I pay the rest? I feel like such an idiot. This comes from a 39 year old from Chicago who signed anonymously. Okay. Anonymous, you are not alone. The crime of sextortion is on the rise. What is sextortion? It's blackmailing someone by threatening to share explicit images of them, and that crime is on the rise. I did a little research in response to this question. The homeland US Homeland Security Office received over 3,000 sex distortion complaints back in 2022, which is an all time high.

So it's on the rise. Don't blame yourself for being anonymous. I just want you to know that first of all, you're human Scammers are very devious at what they do. They're very adept at what they do. I have been scammed, not in this context, but I once got scammed by someone claiming to be able to help my social media following, and it was all a scam. So know that it's okay. Everybody gets tricked at some point in their life. And here's why scammers are so devious is first, they're preying on your innate desire for romantic connection.

They're preying on that. Right? And they're also preying on the shame you would feel if somebody like your mother or your boss were to see pictures of your privates. So first off, I want you to forgive yourself. You were tricked. You were victimized, and it's not your fault. K? Now as for the next steps, do not pay this scam artist another penny. Never negotiate with a blackmailer. It's kinda like terrorists.

Right? Never negotiate with terrorists. Never negotiate with a blackmailer. The more you engage with somebody who's trying to blackmail you, the more they'll threaten you. And so one but once they know that they're not gonna get another nickel from you, then they're gonna lose the incentive to share your photos, which was probably always an empty threat to begin with. So what are your steps? 1st, seesaw communication with them. Seesaw communication, no more engagement. Take screenshots of all your interactions with them. Save them, of course, and then report them immediately.

1st, you should report them to whatever dating app you're on, and then you also wanna report them to the FBI. So you can call 1800, call the FBI, 1 800 cl call IN. And then that is the best bet to turn this person in. Try to turn this person in. You can also enter a fraud request with the Cash App that you used, and you have a very good chance of getting your $250 back. Very good chance. Now you might be asking the anonymous FBI, I just want this to go away. I just want this to. I just wanna be done with this. It's only $250.

I just want this to go away. Well, I hear you, but here's the thing: you have a lot of evidence. Everything from saved screenshots to the scammers, cash app handles or their online handles. So you've got a lot of good evidence. And by, at the very least, calling that number and taking your case to the feds to report it, you could be stopping this sociopath from doing something similar to other people, men or women. So I guess what I'm trying to say is pay it forward. Here are a couple other tips about how to avoid being the victim of sextortion going forward because, actually, prevention is the best medicine here. 3 quick tips.

Number 1, never send explicit photos or personal information to anybody you haven't met in real life. Number 2, if someone who you don't know asks you for personal info or racy photos, say no. And a third quick tip is, report threats by always screenshotting any potential evidence. Save all conversations, chats, or messages. One less little tip here. Let's say you're on the dating app soon, and you start flirting with a new crush. But your gut tells you, hey. Something about this doesn't seem right.

I'm not sure this is real. So if you're concerned that a profile or somebody you're interacting with based on their profile is fake, what you can do is go to tineye.com, tineye.com, and you can run a photo of them through a reverse image search. And you'll find out pretty quickly if this is the real person who they say they are or if it's a stock photo or the picture of some other woman whose identity might have been stolen. Anyway, tineye.com. Here's a parting tip. Unless you're on the Antiques Roadshow, never show a stranger your junk. Okay. Next question in the mailbag.

This is from Martin, a 30 year old from Los Angeles. Martin, he writes, hey, Connell. I'm almost 30, and I've never had a girlfriend. I feel rejected by women, and also I feel bitter and resentful. If I had been born an attractive woman, I would have a lot of dating options. It's just not fair. He goes on, the thing is I don't wanna resent women. It bothers me.

I feel stuck. I feel stuck because I can't get a girlfriend, and I can't escape feeling bitter when I see women get fond of and pursued without having to work on their dating lives like I'm forced to do. Why is it so easy for women and so hard for men like me? Martin, 30, LA. Well, Martin, I know all about feeling rejected by women. My twenties were a lonely decade. I attracted only one woman into my life, and I wasn't even all that into her. And so with very few other romantic options, basically with no romantic options, I decided to settle. And I married this woman because she seemed like a better option than being alone even though I did not wanna get married.

I bought a fancy expensive engagement ring, had a huge Catholic wedding. I never wanted to get married, and she didn't wanna get married to me, I later found out. So it's amazing what you can talk yourself into if you're dating from a place of scarcity, low self confidence and low self confidence and the scarcity of options. 9 weeks after she and I tied the knot, she left me. We ended it. The rumor was that she left me for a cool guy on a Harley and a mustache. Then I heard this quote from somebody during our honeymoon period. Here's the last thing you wanna hear during your honeymoon period.

Hey, Connell. I saw your wife on the back of this guy's Harley. That's something that I hope you never have to hear.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at dating transformation.comforward/contact, and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women.

Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

So anyway yeah. And by the way, 9 weeks our marriage is over. 9 weeks. I used to joke at the time that my marriage was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake. But I was laughing to the tears. It was very bitter. I was very rejected. I felt rejected. I was resentful.

And then not long after this happened, I stumbled on a book called Man's Search for Meaning by Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl. It's a groundbreaking famous million, million bestseller. And in this book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl makes the case that suffering is part of being human. We can't avoid it. It's just part of the human condition, but we can find empowerment and meaning in our struggles. Basically, my interpretation of the book is that we can transform pain into purpose by asking a very simple yet powerful question. And this is a question that Frankl essentially asks in the book and other self help people like Tony Robbins have asked similar questions. I think this is a really powerful question to ask yourself about any dating struggle you're having.

Here is that powerful question. How is this happening for me rather than to me? How is this happening for me rather than to me? My bitterness came from playing the victim, playing the jilted, quote, unquote, husband, the rejected husband, and playing the victim came from me asking the wrong questions. The wrong questions I asked after my 9 week marriage ended was why me? Why don't women like me? Why is dating so hard? Why is it so hard to find somebody? And the answers that came back were not pleasant. They came back as well because you're not attractive, Connell, because women are shallow, because they're only out for themselves. Or maybe just because that's the way it is, dude. That's the way it is, Connell. You don't have many dating options, and you have to settle. Ask a talk, ask a toxic question, get a toxic answer.

But reading this book really helped me because when I asked a new question, I got a much better answer. I asked, wait a second. How is this happening for me? Or how can I turn my dating struggles into something that's happened for me? And I got a much better answer, not a bitter answer, but a better answer. And the answer I got was that this problem is actually a gift. It's an opportunity. It's a call to action to get really good at dating, to become a better man, and to find a loving partner. And this reframing of my victim story transformed my victim story of a rejected dateless dude. It helped me turn this into a hero's journey Because what I did not too long after this relationship ended was I embarked on a years-long quest to crack the code of male female connection.

I didn't know it's gonna be a year's long quest, but it became a year's long quest. And this has become the most important work I have done on myself ever, and it's led me to my career as a dating coach. It's led me to this podcast, to the ability to be a thought leader, and to help thousands and thousands of good men find love all over the world. So my lonely twenties, my failed quote unquote marriage, all the pain, all of the victimhood at the time happened for me, not to me, because I turned it from a victim story into a hero's journey. So Martin, back to your question, bro. When you ask, hey, why is dating so hard for me? I hear a whiff of victimhood in your question. I can hear it. And your pain stems, I believe, from this perception of unfairness.

This feeling of, you know what? It's no, it's not fair. It's easy for women, but it's hard for me. Therefore, I'm bitter. It seems to be what you're saying. And so when you ask, why is it so easy for women? Your answer invites resentment. So I want you to ask a better question. Ask this question. Ask how is this happening for me rather than to me? How is it happening for me rather than to me? Could this be an opportunity for you to grow?

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Connell Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find dating Sucks, But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating but you don't today. To transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Instead of you saying, I'm forced to work on my dating life. How about using this language? How about saying, I get to work on my dating life. I get to. I have an opportunity to. Like, what do by the way, what a wonderful, vital self improvement project you get to tackle. You get to build a cathedral of character. You get to grow more confident. You get to hone your social skills that are gonna serve you in so many areas.

When you get really good at dating or a lot better anyway, so many other areas of your life improve. You get to solve a big important challenge that once you fix it, it's gonna bring you love and romance and help you grow into a better man. So that and that leads to fulfillment. So, yes, I absolutely concede that many women and also plenty of men, by the way, have a much easier time getting dates than you do or that I did back in the day. But here's the thing. Don't forget that attractive women have dating problems too. They do. So you might be comparing yourself to them, but they have problems too.

They just have different levels of problems in you. Quick story. I once went on a date with a woman named Rebecca, a bright beautiful businesswoman who I met on Bumble. And I'm ever the curious dating coach. So during our date, I asked to see her phone because I wanted to see her profile. I asked her if I could see how many likes she had. So she held up her phone, she showed me her Bumble profile, and she had over 5,000 likes. Over 5,000 wannabe dates who had liked Rebecca.

Now you might be thinking that sounds awesome. I'll take 5,000 likes. Hell, I'll take 5 likes, 550 likes. Right? But the thing is, all these all these likes really weighed on her. I remember she said, Oh, it's overwhelming. She sighed, Oh, it's overwhelming. I'm just not interested in most of these guys. And a lot of these guys I match with, they just want sex.

Some of them send me dick pics. She actually showed me a video. 1 guy sent her a dick video, unsolicited, completely gross, creeping her out. I just remember saying it's just so hard to find a good man. So everyone has dating problems. Okay? Even women, even very attractive women. So you're not alone. So what I want you to do is stop asking why me or why are women so lucky? Because these questions are low quality questions, and they trigger bitterness and envy.

The same bitterness and envy you want to escape, you're creating it with the questions you ask yourself. Here are 3 powerful questions to ask instead. Question number 1, power question number 1, what can I do today to become 1% better as a man? Don't underestimate the power of steady incremental improvement. Because if you grow as a man just 1% every day for a year, in 12 months, you're gonna end up 37 times more evolved, more attractive, more dateable than you were on day 1. That's a mathematical fact. 1% 1% improvement every day leads to 37 fold progress from day 1. Question number 2, power question number 2, how can I empathize with women's dating problems? Empathy is a superpower. It's almost impossible to simultaneously feel empathy for women and bitterness toward them.

Because remember, women have their own problems. They have to deal with lewd selfies, creeps, stalkers, not to mention the threat of sexual violence. So to jettison envy, to get rid of those feelings of envy, you can blast it out of your system by really understanding how to be empathetic, putting yourself in women's shoes, really trying to feel the place they're coming from. And the third question you can ask yourself is, I love this one, how can I give to women while staying true and authentic to myself? How can I give to women while staying true to myself? Bottom line the bottom line is in love and in life, you've gotta give if you wanna get. And to get what you want, which is a great girlfriend, you have to bring something to the table. You have to bring a lot to the table. So practice the art of giving in dating. So get better at the things you can give women.

Get better at flirting, at connecting, at listening, get funnier, get more well read, get more well rounded, get better at approaching, get better, and just keep growing as a man because the more you can give to women, the more women are gonna want you to give back who are who are gonna want to give back to you. And by the way, just make sure you do these things, this radical giving I'm talking about, this radical authenticity giving, just make sure you do it not as a supplicating people pleaser, but as that awesome authentic man you are because that's a way to give. Women don't want a fake people pleaser. They want a real, raw, genuine guy. So I'm not saying be a people pleaser. I'm saying be a radical giver. Give give give give give, and women love a man who gives. It makes her feel incredible.

So, Martin, yeah, you're on a hero's journey if you wanna be. And facing and defeating these obstacles, just like Luke Skywalker faced Darth Vader, just like Harry Potter faced Voldemort, just like Colonel Kurtz. Oh, no. Wait. Just like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now had to go on his hero's journey down that river, you're gonna face obstacles. And it's by defeating these obstacles, by overcoming these obstacles. These are the things that sculpt your soul. To borrow a Tony Robbins term, Problems sculpt your soul.

These obstacles will turn you into a more evolved man while also leading you to your soulmate. Because, hey, man. If I could go from dateless and dumped to a top, top, top dating coach, then you can and absolutely will find someone wonderful. Alright. Thank you very much for listening. If you have a question you want me to answer, a dating question, a dating problem, shoot me an email. My email is Connell, that's c o n n e l l, at dating transformation.com. Shoot me an email, and I will answer it as quickly as I can, if I can, on this podcast.

Alright. Until we speak again, and also don't forget, your dream girlfriend, she's already out there and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. See you next time.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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