Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an amazing girlfriend all by being authentic. And I'll bet you do not want to come across as creepy. I'll bet you would love to approach women or ask out that really cute girl at your gym or on your next first date, make a really confident bold move, but something stops you. And that something is the dreaded fear of seeming creepy. Well, I am gonna give you 7 of the creepiest things that men do so that you can make sure you're not doing any of them, which you're probably not, but you never know. You might be doing number 6 or number 3, and please tell me you're not doing number 1. I'm gonna count down the top 7 creepiest things men do in dating, and I just want you to know what not to do. I also want you to understand that what you think is creepy might not be nearly as creepy, and certain things that you think are not creepy are actually creepy as fudge. So here we go. Here is how to not be creepy. Going from number 7 to number 1, counting them down. Number 7, staring at a woman, but not talking to her, not approaching her, seeing a woman out in the world and not approaching. Here's a story I have that was one of the biggest moments I ever had in dating. I was at a rooftop bar with my then wingman way back in the late double zeros. And he said, go over to that table, sit down, and talk to those 2 girls with that guy there. I look over and I see a really cute brunette, a blonde, and a big muscly dude sit sitting at a table. This is at the Gansevoort Hotel, rooftop bar, circa 2009. And I thought, oh, goddamn it. That's gonna be tough. I'm gonna be creepy. I'm gonna be bothering them. The guy's probably gonna wanna kick my ass or at least get pretty annoyed with me but I made a decision. Gonna do whatever my wingman told me to that night. We were taking turns giving each other fun little exercises. So I walked over and I sat down and I committed to a really good committed approach, and I said, hey, guys. What's up? I'm Connell. Actually, it was probably like this. Hey, guys. Hi. I'm Connell. I was probably so nervous. It was probably more like that. Anyway, I walk over, I sit down, and it's the 3 of them, and it's one open chair. So I sit in the chair and I say, hey, guys. What's up? How's your night going? The brunette, short hair, really cute, stylish, adorable, big eyes. And she leaned across the table or leaned halfway across the table, and she said, oh my god. Do you know what you just did? And, I said, what? She said oh, no. I'm sorry. I screwed that up. She said, oh my god. Do you know what you are? And I thought to myself, a guy who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend, maybe a creep. But I kept my cool, and I said, I don't know. " What am I? And she said, you're normal. You just came over here and just came over and talked to us, and and thank you. That's normal.

Thank you for doing that. Then she pointed over to this other table. Another guy, a ginger, by the way, so I could connect with that. She pointed to this other guy and said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night, and it's creeping us out. So what was creepy to them was not me approaching their table and sitting down and having a conversation. It was the guy who was staring at them, but he was too afraid to come over. And no wonder. Right? There was a big muscly guy there. By the way, that big guy, he was really chill, really cool, friendly. He was not even dating either of them. In fact, I got the Brunette's phone number. And that was a big moment for me. And I thought, you know, is it a little bit kind of, is it a little bit unusual to approach a woman and just shoot your shot? Yeah. I suppose it is unusual. But is it creepy? Hell no. You know what's creepy? It's staring at a woman, wanting to go talk to her, but just staring and doing nothing instead. That is much creepier.

Okay. Number 6, the 6th creepiest thing that men do. I'm just telling you so you don't do it, guys. I'm not saying you're doing it. I'm saying don't be like this guy. Number 6 is hiding who you are, being fake, specifically pretending like you are somebody you're not in an attempt to impress a woman. Here's another story. Oh my god.These stories are so funny and sometimes painful. Mostly funny. I was madly well, not in love. I had a big crush on a woman I'll call Laura. And Laura was basically oh, man. I was super into her. She is a beautiful blonde, very intelligent, really witty, quick, and has great banter. I love bantery, witty women and I had a massive crush on Laura way back in the day. So I had a first date with her and I thought to myself, you know what? I'm just not what she wants, so I'm gonna be who I think she wants me to be. She was all into adventure, like hiking and mountain climbing and all this stuff. So on the date, second date, I think. Yeah. 2nd date. Our first date was an activity date, so we didn't get to know each other all that well on the second date, we're kinda talking about each other's likes and interests. And I start lying through my teeth, hiding who I am and trying to put this to this impersonation of the guy I thought she wanted to date. So I said to her that I'm into, oh, I said I went skydiving. I said I was. I told her that I once swam with sharks. I never swam with sharks. I'm afraid to watch Jaws, let alone swim with sharks. And by the way, when I lie, I am so bad at lying that I get nervous. I get stressed out and I start sweating. So all of a sudden, my forehead starts dripping as I'm telling her these tall tales. And I don't know exactly if she thought I was full of shit or if she just could tell something was off. Basically, she did not wanna see me again. So hiding who you are, being fake is even if she doesn't find out, it's a losing game. You can't keep it up, and you're probably just gonna do what I did, which was get all nervous, get in my head, start sweating, and make a really bad impression. So the solution to this, of course, is to become authentic. Really lean into who you are. I'm not a swimming with sharks guy. I'm not an adventurer. I hate hiking. I hate hiking with a white hot passion. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than go hiking. And she could probably sense that I was telling her what she wanted to hear. So, anyway, don't hide who you are. Be authentic.

Be genuine. Because a woman who likes your type, she's gonna like your type because of the value, the authentic worth and value you have to bring to her life, not because you like her same interests or are impersonating some guy you think she wants. Okay. How not to be creepy. The 5th creepiest thing that guys do is oh my god. This is still such a problem. PUA moves, being some fake pickup artist, some fake alpha male, seeing the cool, cocky Neggs, making her chase you with, push push pulls and, nags and, takeaways and all this pickup bullshit. There's so many awful coaches out there with good intentions sometimes, but terrible coaches. And, basically, they teach guys to do all the pickup artist things. And the whole pickup artist thing is a losing game, and it's creepy. You know why it's creepy? Because it's very ego based. It's all about sex with most of these guys. It's all about getting laid. It's all about lay ratios. One of my coaches used to use the term lay ratio hey. What's your lay ratio? I'm like, what's that? The number of potato chips I eat in the night? It's pretty damn high, my lay ratio. And so the whole PUA thing, I do you you can probably see why it works though. If you walk up to a woman and you have a cocky, cool, witty, rehearsed scripted line, and you can pass it off as something more or less genuine and natural, then that can work for a few minutes. It might even get you through a date. But, man, it's hard to keep that up, and it's freaking creepy. It is so creepy to do the pickup thing. I think the core reason why the pickup artist thing is so creepy, it's for two reasons 1 is it's very selfish. It's about using women to get sex or to get validation without the intention of giving something back and helping a woman enjoy her life and her dating life. And it's also creepy because, again, it's wearing that mask, that pickup artist mask. So if you are watching YouTube content from certain YouTubers who are pickup dudes and, or if you're reading stuff, pickup artist books, you do you, bro. But it's a losing game, and it's really creepy. And most women can sniff that out. So, I'm not big , don't get me wrong. I worked with pickup guys back in the day some of them taught me some really cool mechanics and techniques, but, boy, the intention was awful. The intention was sex. What's in it for me? Notch. A notch in my bedpost, and that is super creepy. Okay. The 4th creepiest thing that men do that you must make sure you don't do, and actually this one you might accidentally do sometimes. Number 4 is weird touching. Weird touching, what is weird touching? Well, it depends on the situation. Weird touching is to touch a woman in a way that's miscalibrated, that doesn't make sense to her. It has no purpose. I have a client who came to me on our very first enrollment type call. He talked about a woman who basically blew him off. And I said, why? What did she do that gave you a reason? And he basically said, well, on her first date, I put my hand on her thigh, and I left it there. And I I was squeezing it for and I said, for how long? He said, about 4 minutes. I'm like, no. No weird touching. Here's my simplest definition of weird touching. Weird touching is touching that has no purpose or touching this that is not an extension of your expression. So weird touching is you just put your hand on her back and leave it there before you 2 have even become a couple. I might do that with my girlfriend, but on a date or an approach where you just met her, just the dead fish hand of death, that is weird touching. Weird touching is anything where you're touching her face, having not had that kind of consent and physical touching intimacy up to that point. Weird touching is, well, leaving your hand on her knee or her thigh for 4 minutes and doing a weird squeezing move. Here's a simple tip on how to touch the right way and have a reason for the touch. Make physical expressions part of your natural male or female, I might touch them on the shoulder. I might tap them on the arm. If I'm on a date with a woman, I might tap her quickly lightly on the thigh. I might high five her because I'm expressing myself. Some examples of good or potentially good, non weird touching would be a high five. It would be touch inspecting her jewelry, taking her hand briefly, not for too long, but for a few seconds. Maybe you're on a first date.You're 45 minutes in. She's gotten comfortable with you being in her presence. You might look at her bracelet and take her hand temporarily and say, oh, this is a cool bracelet. Is this jade? Now you've broken the touch barrier. And what makes it not weird is you had a reason for it. You wanted to inspect her jewelry as opposed to just touching her hand and holding hands way too soon, way way before there was a romantic connection. I was on a date once when I mean, you can manufacture ways to be physically expressive. I'm cool with that.

I'm ethically okay with that. Like, I remember I was on a date once with a personal trainer, a woman who's a personal trainer. And we're talking about working out and training and, you know, I said, come on. Make muscles. Let me see what you got. She made a muscle. You know, I'm touching her muscles. She's touching mine. She had bigger muscles than me because I've got very few muscles. I've got no muscles to speak of. There's an amber alert out for my muscles. So have a reason for the touch. Otherwise, it can be very weird. Okay. How not to be creepy? The 3rd creepiest thing that men do on dates or when talking to women they just met is objectifying them just for their bodies or their looks. This is the cat caller.

This is the guy who just looks at a woman, looks at her breasts, looks at her ass, and just says, yeah. You're looking good as his opener. As his opener. You can say that 2 hours into a date when the 2 of you have already had some rapport and some genuine emotional connection. But if you're approaching with that kind of thing, that is really creepy. So objectifying a woman just for her body, her physical features is super creepy. And the main issue here or the problem that arises here is there's a lot of bad advice out there that says, you know, be sexual, be flirtatious. I like to say be man to woman. That's one of my buzzwords. But sometimes people misinterpret what, quote, unquote, man to woman communication is. Man to woman communication is simply you expressing your authentic masculine side with a woman in a social frame that makes you both feel like he's treating me like a woman. I'm a man. I feel feminine. I feel my natural feminine self with him. And a lot of it is about just good, playful, light emotions. It does not necessarily mean objectifying a woman, or I should say it never means that. But you don't wanna just look at a woman and say, hey. You're hot. Your body part, insert body part here, looks amazing. Bev before you do that, you wanna make sure you have a real genuine rapport with the woman and some kind of emotional spark. So, again, I'm not saying it's, I'm not saying you can never enjoy a woman's body part. I am obsessed in the healthiest way with my girlfriend's butt. I'll just say it. I'll just say it.I am the biggest fan of her booty. But you know what I did not say on our first date? I didn't say, hey. Your ass is amazing because that would be creepy. That would be creepy. Yeah. Anything referring to a woman's body part is pretty super creepy. I had a date once. This was my last date before the pandemic. That's how I remember it. It was, like, my last date before everything changed. And I I asked this woman a favorite first date question I have because I like to ask, what are some crazy first date stories you have? And she said that one guy showed up on a first date. He sat down, sat down across from her, and one of the first things out of his mouth was, so, what shape are your areolas? What shape are your nipples? And he was not making a joke. She said, what? He said, yeah. What shape are they? Are they bigger or smaller than a silver dollar? Because I want a woman with really big areolas. That is one of the creepiest first date stories I've ever heard. That's being creepy because it's objectifying her, and it's just being so hyper specifically weird that, man, he that date was over in her mind before it had even begun.

By the way, if you're wondering, my areolas are the size of dimes. Okay. Number 2, the second creepiest thing that men do that you should not do is persisting after she says no. This should be a no brainer, but I'm gonna say it anyway. No means no. Some again, this is so not you. You, the man listening to this pod, if you vibe with me, this is not you. But just in case somebody else is listening, no means no. No means no. So I have no problem with a guy taking your romantic risk. In fact, we have to do that as men. We've gotta be persistent. I'm sorry. We've gotta take risks, and there's a way to be persistent. There's a time to be persistent. And when a woman gives you clear evidence that she is not interested in dating you, then you stop and you say, it was nice meeting you, or you don't even message her. You just disappear from her dating profile. You take no for an answer. And, yeah. So here's the thing. There's a sweet spot we want. You don't, you don't wanna be the guy who hears no and persists. I don't think that's you, but just FYI. At the same time, you don't wanna be the guy who gets one little bit of pushback or or let's call it an obstacle and then gives up. For example, let's say you send a text. Let's say you send an opener to a woman on Hinge who you matched with. She does not answer that opener. That does not mean you're ghosted. You may send her a second message. As long as it's charming, as long as you're trying your best to flirt or to make her smile, to give her something good, being authentic, that is not being creepy. That is being persistent, especially if you're using charm. So the secret here is persistence plus charm plus empathy. Persistence plus charm plus empathy. That's the magical formula here. The woman says, maybe. Hey. Do you want to go for a drink sometime? Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Persistence plus charm and empathy. If you say, hey, want to go for a drink sometime? Oh, no. Thanks. I have a boyfriend. Then you're done. Thank you. Okay. No worries. He's a lucky guy. Have a great rest of your life.

No worries. But, yeah, don't don't be those, like, those persistent guys who don't take no for an answer. And the number one creepiest thing that men do, my number one tip for how not to be creepy is lying. Lying, bullshitting, prevaricating, being mendacious. Don't lie. Never, never lie. Tell the truth. I don't mind being truthy, to quote Stephen Colbert.

It's okay to embellish a little bit, but never lie. And there have been a few times or there have been 1 or 2 times back in the day when I got caught in a lie. And you know what? It did not feel good. So, yeah, don't lie about your height on a dating profile. Alright. You know what? I'll give you an inch. I'll give you an inch. Maybe 1a half.

But don't lie about your height. Don't lie about who you are through photos that are 15 years old. Don't tell a woman you have an x y z job when you don't have that job. Be honest. Be genuine. Be authentic. And if you're you wanna ask yourself if you are somebody who's lying by the way, I told that story earlier in this episode about me lying through my teeth. I'm embarrassed by that.

I'm actually embarrassed by that story. I hate that I did that. It was when I told her that, oh, I've been oh, I I told back to that story, I told that woman, Laura, oh, yeah. I'm training to be a pilot. I'm taking flying lessons. Complete bullshit. That came from a low place, but, really, I was trying to manipulate her. Not actively.

I wasn't like, I must manipulate her. But, basically, I felt like I wasn't enough, so I had to be somebody I'm not. But anytime a guy lies to a woman, he's basically trying to manipulate her, and that is gross. And I regret it. And, don't be like me is my advice. I've made all the mistakes, so you don't have to. So no no lying. It's so much easier to just tell the truth.

Tell the truth. Say the real thing. Say the true thing. One of the best tips I got from one of my first coaches, a guy who went by the name Ryan. It's not his real name. But Ryan had this great little buzzword. He said, when in doubt, speak the deepest truth to that woman. Deepest, most honest, true thing.

I love that. Yeah. Speak a deep, true thing. Maybe it's a vulnerable thing. Maybe it's an honest thing. Maybe it's a secret. Maybe it's a flirty thing where you just really wanna tell her how incredible she is. Yeah.

Tell the truth. Be honest, and don't lie. Don't be a Pinocchio. Yeah. That's probably the number one thing or at least it's the number one most prevalent thing. By the end, you know, everybody, not everybody, but almost everybody lies, embellishes, shades the truth to some extent with dating. But, yeah, tell the truth, and you'll be in a good place. Okay.

That is how not to be creepy. Those are the top seven creepiest things that other men, not you, do. Let's not be like those guys. Alright. Until the next episode. See you next time. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there. She already likes you.

She just has to meet the real you. Talk soon.