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Episode #8

LIVE COACHING! How Connell’s client went from fearful to confidently approaching women…and getting dates!

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
listen on Spotifylisten on Apple podcasts

Pop quiz! Do you want to confidently approach and date beautiful women? (OK, that was a
dumb question—sort of like, “Do gingers have souls?” Of course they don’t!)

But chances are, fear keeps you from breaking the ice with women you’d love to meet… and it’s
crushing your confidence and costing you dates.

Let’s fix this!

You’re about to listen to an actual coaching session, in which (soulless ginger) dating coach
Connell Barrett helps his client overcome his fear of approaching women.

Xavier, 31, was struggling with “approach anxiety.”

He couldn’t even say hello to attractive
strangers, let alone flirt or ask women out. “I feel paralyzed with fear,” Xavier told Connell.

After this session with Connell, Xavier’s fear of approaching vanished, and he’s been confidently
meeting (and dating) some incredible women.

In this special live-coaching episode, you’ll hear the session that transformed Xavier’s dating

You’re about to learn…

✔ The secret to unstoppable confidence when you approach women
✔ The “magic words” women love to hear when you meet them stores, parks, or the gym
✔ How to approach with charm and at bars, and get HER flirting with YOU
✔ The biggest mistake men make when approaching, and what to do instead

Connell Barrett: Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation


Book Your Free Call Today and grab a time that works for you
Click this link:

Get the number 1 Amazing Bestselling book “Dating Sucks, But You Don’t”

The main cause of approach anxiety is fearing that a woman is going to, quote unquote reject you. And then you are going to perceive that as you are not attractive and not worthy of women. - Connell

To establish a connection with a woman, express your genuine interest and attraction, and then suggest taking her on a date to capitalize on the momentum of the interaction. - Connell


00:00:00 Introduction
00:03:00 Online dating experience
00:07:53 Top 3 tips for online dating
00:17:53 Book a call with Coach Connell
00:19:27 Getting a live coaching relationship with Xavier
00:24:42 Introducing Xavier and his background
00:28:02 Xavier’s approach anxiety moments
00:36:08 The Direct and Indirect way of approaching
00:39:38 Approaching a woman after getting a coaching from Coach Connel
l00:43:16 The Day approach versus The night approach
00:58:04 Get “Dating Sucks But You Don’t” today on Amazon
00:59:35 More dating tips about daytime approach versus nighttime approach
01:08:30 Having fun or going to meet women at night?
01:12:51 Planning your logistics when meeting women
01:22:42 Approaching group of women in difficult settings
01:27:23 Conclusion

Produced by Heartcast Media

Related Episodes:

Make Sparks Fly by Getting Out of the Friend Zone

How To Date Women In Your Social Circles


Connell: Yeah. I mean, looks are overrated when it comes to success with women and dating. It's it's kind of like good looks are good. Looks are sort of like a Jacuzzi. Nice to have, but way overrated.

Woman voice: Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host dating coach Cano Barrett.


Connell: All right. We are back The Dating Transformation podcast. I'm your host dating coach Connell Barrett. I am like the real life hitch. If Will Smith was a skinny ginger guy with glasses. Basically what I do is I help men, especially introverted guys, learn to flirt, gain confidence and find incredible girlfriends and do it. Do it all with authenticity. This is about being your best, most authentic self, not about being some sketchy pickup artist. That's my sketchy pickup artist voice. And stick around because by the time you're done listening to this podcast, you're going to get two or three really great takeaways. You're going to learn all about how to confidently. Chat up women, especially in the daytime, but also at night. And you're going to get some of my best tips, but not delivered in the normal way. You're actually going to be able to listen in on an actual coaching call that I did with my clients. Xavier Xavier is a guy who came to me struggling with confidence, could not approach, didn't know how to talk to women. He was just dateless and lonely and really struggling. And I'm happy to say that he's now in the process of going on dates with multiple awesome women. He's he's playing the field a little bit, as you might say, and he's having some really great wins and growth. And he's very close to getting a girlfriend. He's been seeing a couple different women and I think it's just a matter of time. So today we're going to talk about different challenges and problems he has faced as he has gone out to meet women. He's mainly dating from women dating in real life. He likes to meet women in real life situations. And so we're going to hear all about Xavier's problems and how he overcame them and how he is now just so confident and really making girls into him. And he's doing it all and they're his real self. He's being 100% Xavier. It's all about authenticity. So since the main coaching part of this podcast today is going to be a coaching session with Xavier looking at approaching, let's talk about online dating because a lot of guys, man, I would say that if you're like most guys, you're probably listening to this podcast because if you were to grab your phone and open up Hinge, Bumble Tinder, whatever app you're on, you're probably struggling with a lack of matches, right? You're not getting a good number of matches and the few good matches you might be getting. Are probably women you're not that attracted to or just not a good fit for you. Right. And I'll bet that it bums you out when you when you click that little icon on your phone and you start swiping and you just swipe and you swipe and you swipe and you just get carpal tunnel from swiping but not getting matches. And that can be a real bummer because if you don't get matches on the apps, you probably feel like you just don't have that many other options. And that can take you down a rabbit hole of feeling like, Oh, what's wrong with me? I guess I'm not attractive, I'm too short, I'm not the right ethnicity. A lot of guys feel like, Oh man, I'm not six foot three. I'm not some guy with six pack abs. I'm not really handsome. I can't succeed on dating apps. And then they give up on dating apps, so they give up on dating in general. And then, oh man, a scarcity of online options can really cause some problems. In fact, here's a quick story, and I'm going to give you about three quick tips to help you get those matches and dates in just a minute. But here's a quick story, and I write about this in my book. But years ago, I was when I was first getting into learning about women and dating. At first, I struggled on the apps. I really struggled because I just didn't know how to navigate them. And I remember I was in such a place of scarcity. I live in New York City and I was living in New York City at the time, but I had so few options in New York City that the one good quality match I had with a woman named Vanessa who lived out in San Francisco, the one woman I was excited about, she was in California. Literally, I could not find a single good match for me in New York City. Just women were not swiping right on me. And so that scarcity of options creates a problem. And for me, what I did is I said, Oh, I'm going to go out and meet Vanessa. And I decided to do what they do in movies, rom coms. I jumped on a plane and I flew out to San Francisco to surprise her. I bought roses, I showed up. I literally showed up at her doorstep and I left roses. And I left a Victoria's Secret box of lingerie for her to surprise her. She did not know I was coming. We had only had an online online conversations, but we had exchanged a couple of cards and letters, so I had her address. So anyway, I show up in San Francisco. Now that I look back on this, I feel like I feel I felt like this. I feel like such a creeper, but basically that I showed up in S.F. and delivered. The Victoria's Secret, the flowers that I went back to that I Oh, and I rented a hotel suite. I rented a hotel suite because I assumed that I was going to connect with Vanessa in person. She was going to text me back, get home to find the flowers and lingerie. And then she was going to say, Where are you staying? You, you handsome ginger man. Come, I'll come right over to you and we'll make sweet, sweet love. And none of those things happened. I waited. I waited. I waited. And she totally ghosted me. Vanessa totally ghosted me and deservedly so. Deservedly so, because basically I was incredibly desperate and lonely at that time, and I just hadn't figured out how to crack the code of online dating. And that lack of matches, lack of options is what made me get on a plane and go to San Francisco. Here I am living in the biggest city in the U.S. and I couldn't get one good date, one good match here. So I had to fly across the country and come across like a total needy stalker type. So that was very painful for me at the time, but it actually put me on a path toward figuring out, Hey, what does work? How do you get matches? How do you get success on the dating apps? So I'm going to give you my three best quickest online dating tips so that you can stop, so that you can go from from swiping without matches and struggling and just basically having tumbleweeds on your online dating app to start getting some matches for five, six, ten good matches a week is a great number to shoot for. Once I cracked this code, I was getting men 2020 to 30 good matches every week. And then from there I was going on a couple of dates a week and online dating is how I met my girlfriend Jasmine. I have an incredible girlfriend named Jess. Jessamyn is her name and I met her from a lot of good options, but she was the one I really clicked and connected with. So anyway, here are my top three in no particular order online dating tips and then we'll get to the client call with Xavier. So online dating, tip number one. The most important thing you want to do on your profile is you need at least one really good portrait. A really good portrait of you. Well dressed from about the waist up, taken with natural light. Not indoor studio shot and you want to be smiling. Basically, here's a good question to ask yourself. If you were going to if GQ magazine said, we want to put you on the cover of GQ. What would you wear and what would that photo look like? And go out. So go out and get a really good portrait taken where you're giving that authentic smile. You're well-dressed, and that is the most important piece of real estate on your profile. Most guys who are not getting matches on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc. it's because your photos suck. So I have a book called Dating Sucks, but you don't. The way my book was named is my literary agent. I have a line in the book about how I'm talking with a client who I was trying to help with online dating. And I said to him, Larry, it's not that you suck as a guy, it's that your profile sucks. That's why you're struggling. You don't suck. Your profile does. Just trying to give him some tough love. And that's how my book was named. Dating sucks, but you don't. So if you're struggling with online dating, which you probably are, if you're listening to this, don't worry. You don't suck. You're a great guy. I have no doubt you're a great, attractive guy with a lot to offer. It's that your profile sucks. And if your profile sucks, it's probably because you're lacking a good portrait. So the most important thing you need on your profile is a really good portrait of you looking at the camera, smiling authentically, well-dressed, good lighting in a natural setting, a great place to take these photos as a park sitting on a park bench. Or you could be out, you know, you could be in a coffee shop with some light coming in through the window. You want it to be flattering lighting. There's something about indoor shots or studio. Do not take a studio shot. Do not take a studio portrait. It'll come across looking like a LinkedIn photo. You don't want to look like a LinkedIn profile. You want it to look like an online dating profile. That's number one. The second thing is another photo tip, because let's be honest. Good photos. The right photos are about probably 75% of your success on a dating app. Second kind of photo of you on your profile is an action slash candid photo of you in real life doing something ideally doing something active or masculine. I don't know what that's going to be for you. Every guy's a little bit different, but you want to be doing something active on my online dating profile. My action shot is me playing tennis. I'm a big tennis, and it's also very authentic. I'm a tennis nut. I love tennis. So there's a shot of me hitting a forehand, which is the most, you know, masculine, powerful shot I have in tennis and is a really good photo of me hitting a forehand on the tennis court that my tennis coach took. And I look athletic as athletic as I can look. And it just shows me out in the world doing something athletic. Other examples of this, it could be maybe you ran a marathon. How about a shot of you crossing the finish line at the marathon or a masculine shot? Kind of a quote manly shot Could be. You're at a cool cigar. Don't smoke cigars. Yeah, I was going to say, go to a cigar bar. Don't do that. You can go to a whiskey bar or go to, like, a cool, dark paneled bar and you're holding your whiskey glass just looking like a man, you know, enjoying his off time. I've had guys, and we want the action shot to be genuine, to be authentic, right? We don't want to create something that's not the real you. But ask yourself, what's an activity? What's an action I do that can show me out in the real world? Maybe it's you playing Frisbee with your dog on the beach, or I've had clients who are into I have I had one client who was into ax throwing competitions. That was a great shot. He's throwing an ax that looks really manly. It's good to have some kind of action slash masculine photo on your profile because at the end of the day, at the end of the day, women online are looking to find a man who's got some kind of good, positive, masculine energy. Don't have to be a fake person. You don't have to be pumping up your chest and being all, quote, alpha male. Just find that action shot. All right. So those are the two most important photos you're going to watch on your profile. There are others as well. And all of this I talk about in my book, but those are the two most important photos. Then the third tip I'm going to give you for online dating is. It's going to be what to write and in terms of what to write. Really what this comes down to is making sure your personality comes out in a high value, fun way. And the best way to do that is, especially if it's an app like Bumble or Tinder, is where you're able to write a bio. You want that first line of your bio to be a hook. A hook is something that hooks a woman's attention because she wants to keep reading. It can be funny. It can be unusual. It can be silly. And here's what I mean by a hook. It's sort of like the first line of a news article you read. That first line has to be interesting or you won't keep reading. The opening scene of a movie has to be interesting. It has to grab you or a TV show or you're going to watch something else. It's the same with your online dating profile, especially on Bumble or Tinder, where you have that box, the bio box. So here are some examples of hooks a hook might be. Well, my hook with online dating was and still is. I'm still doing online dating in the sense of testing things. My hook is simply I'm a dating coach for men, just like the movie Hitch. And women are really interested, interested in that. So I'm playing up what makes me unusual and unique. Obviously, you don't have a job as a dating coach, but what if you have a really cool, unique job? You could lead with that, right? I have a client who's a Hollywood agent, literally a Hollywood agent. So he leads with I'm a Hollywood agent, just like on Entourage. Dot, dot, dot. Except I'm not nearly as much of a douche bag as that guy. So there's a little bit of personality in there, too. Other examples of hooks are think about it from the frame of what's in it for her. Why is she reading your profile? Remember every single word you write in your profile. It should be for her. It's not for you. It's about you, but it's for her. So a really good hook. Could be. Here's one that had success with a different one for me. The hook could be something like warning. All capped warning. My karaoke voice will make you swoon. That worked really well for me because I'm conveying to women one of my interests, but I'm conveying it in a way that I hope will appeal to a woman who likes karaoke, who might want to go on a karaoke day with me and making it about I'm talking to her. Right. So a great way to do your hook is talk directly to that woman who's reading your profile. And another way to do the hook. I have a date. I have a dating coach friend who had a really good hook. His hook? Oh, no. Yeah, here it is. My buddy, Brian. Brian Peppard, who's a guest on the show. He had a great hook on his bumble profile. It was his hook was. I live with my best friend and my girlfriend. Dot, dot, dot. And they're both cats. Right. Clever. He's. He's doing a 180, making the women think that he's coming across like a jerk. Yeah, I live with my girlfriend and my best friend, but then they're both cats, so it turns it turn. It's an unexpected twist that makes women go, huh? He's got two cats, and plus, he's got photos of his two cats, too. And that adds to the effectiveness of it. So it just makes women want to keep breeding. So come up with a good hook. And again, I've got tips on how to write a great hook in my book, which is out there for you. So those are my three. Those are the three fastest ways to go from no matches to good matches. Okay. Let's take a little break. And when we come back, we're going to talk to Xavier, my client, Xavier, and talk about how he has gone from struggling with approach anxiety and getting in his head to approaching women, getting dates and just feeling a lot more confident. Stand by.


Speaker 3 And.


Woman voice: I'm going to read your mind. Ready, Albert, that you would love to confidently approach women get great matches on the dating apps, flirts with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach Connell Barrett's can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps book your free call today a dating transformation that come forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so, you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can go to dating transformation that come forward slash contact and transform your love life by.


Connell: All right. Welcome back to the next episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Connell Barrett, a dating coach for men. I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt and get great girlfriends. And today, I have a very special guest coming up in a couple of minutes. We're going to be talking to a client of mine who came to me because he was struggling with approach anxiety. He was not stepping up to those beautiful, attractive women he wanted to talk to out in the world, at the gym, at the bars, out on the streets, wherever he was. And a great guy named his ex. Xavier is going to be here. We're going to chat with him in just 2 minutes. So stand by. You're going to get some really good tips on how to confidently approach women and, of course, do it with authenticity. Do it as the real best to you. And I thought I would lead into that by telling you a quick story I want to tell you about the moment I remember, the moment I decided I had to fix my approach anxiety. It was in the late Double Zeros, the late aughts, and I was at a Starbucks in New York City. And I have never approached an attractive woman in my life. I'd wanted to hundreds of times, but I'd never done it. And I see this really cute brunet sitting in the middle of Starbucks. She's wearing a denim mini skirt. She was on her phone. She looked like, this is going to age me here. But she looked like Katie Holmes, who at the time was my big crush. And I remember thinking, okay, this is it. I'm finally going to do it. I'm finally going to go approach her. And I get up from my seat, I walk over and then I make a U-turn and I go back and sit right down. And then about a minute later, I say, okay, now I'm all psyched up. Now I'm going to go talk to that girl. Oh my gosh, she's so cute. She's so my type. Imagine a date with her. Imagine connecting with her, kissing her. I'm going to go do it. And I walked over and I got two feet away from her. And then I kind of just like, circled her, her table. She was sitting by herself and I kind of circled for about a minute. And it was almost like and I talk about this in my book, it was almost like I had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. The the angel was saying, Oh, go talk to her. You're a great guy. She might like you. Go say hi. She probably loves talking to cool, handsome, witty men. And then the devil was saying, Connell. You're too nerdy. You're not good looking enough. You're too. You don't know what to say. And the big thing was that little devil said, Oh, what if. What if other people here. See, you talk to her and you get shot down? And I remember I went back to my seat again, and I was trying to summon the courage I had this devil, this angel fighting me on my shoulders. Finally, the devil stabbed the angel with a pitchfork and killed the angel. And there was blood everywhere. And I didn't talk to her. And I get up, I see her get up, and she walks out into the Manhattan afternoon on a Sunday afternoon. And I said to myself, Dammit, Connell, there's another woman you'll never meet, never date, never get a chance with. Why can't you do this? And that was actually the day I went and got on the phone or I got on the Internet and started searching for my very first dating coach. And that was a big moment for me. So if you've ever had if you've ever really wanted to approach a really cute, attractive woman but have but haven't done it today we're going to talk about the things that keep you from doing it, the internal forces, the thoughts, the doubts, the fears. And also we're going to talk about some solid, simple practical techniques and moves so that you can chat up that really pretty girl at Starbucks or talk to the girl in your gym who you've been noticing. But you tell yourself, well, maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow. So to help us do that, I'd like to introduce a very special guest. This is a special episode of the podcast because this is a straight up coaching call. Please say hello to my amazing client, S.A.. Here, Say hello.


Xavier: Hello, everyone.


Connell: Thank you so much for being here. S Xavier is a guy in his early thirties. He came to me several weeks back because he said, Hey, I really want to approach women. I want to gain more confidence. I know I have a lot to offer, but gosh, I see all these beautiful women, what I call wow girls, and I almost never talk to them. So XIV and I have been doing some amazing work together, I should say. He's been doing some amazing work. I've been talking to him on the phone and helping him. So yeah. Xavier, why don't you first just tell us a little bit about yourself, whatever you like to say, and also share with us your history or lack thereof of approaching women before you and I first began to work.


Xavier: Yeah, certainly. So I, you know, I struggled a lot to have a connection with women. I would say that it was difficult for me to escalate flirtation and escalate sort of the physical escalation that I wanted with women. It was it was kind of easy for me to like, do some informal sort of bantering, but it never felt like I could really click and move on to the next step of like, we're on this day and now we're holding hands and now we're kissing. And I was always going through a lot of challenges just in general with women. You know, I didn't go I wasn't going on a lot of dates. I had a lot of anxiety approaching women pretty much everywhere I was maybe in the last year I approached like one women, and it was just by chance it was really more of a coincidence than it was like an intent purpose of me going to approach this woman. So yeah, so basically I, I just said enough is enough. I need to make changes in my life. You know, I'm in my early thirties now and I wanted and I want to get over this and like, you know, be be a better man, be more confident, just be like the best version of myself. And I thought, I can't just make this a secondary thing. I want this to be a priority in my life. And that's why I decided that I wanted help, because I feel like, you know, you can only get so far by yourself, but when you have a coach, when you have a mentor, somebody who kind of steers you in the right way or kind of helps you climb the mountain, if you will, it just makes it so much faster and you get more results faster and you like you kind of push yourself harder. So there's like a lot of different things that play that. And I'm like now in my fourth week here working with I've been doing I've been starting to see the results, which is really why I joined this program, right? Why really why I joined you. And so, yeah, it was a challenge for me for a long time. And like I now I'm starting to feel like I have more confidence in myself, more confidence in approaching the women that I want. Of course, there's. Still a lot of fear inside. And every single time, um, um, you know, starting another day, like another day of cold approaching or going up to women, it's, it's not easy, but I, I've made that commitment to myself and, you know, this was something that I, I decided that I was going to prioritize in my life. And that's what I've been doing. And.


Connell: You know, you've been doing great. Let's let's talk about the things that had been holding you back, because the big bad wolf here are the the sell the self doubtful thoughts. And as I recall, when you and I first spoke, I said, hey, how many wild girls have you approached? You said, oh, maybe one out of 100. And we talked about what happens inside. And as I recall, you were feeling like, oh, you know, I'm not six foot three, I'm a more average height guy. I'm not the most charismatic guy in the world. Or at least that's what you told yourself. Maybe it was I don't know what to say. What were the internal doubts that you that we sort of uncovered were creating that resistance for you, the anxiety?


Xavier: You know, I just thought I wasn't enough. Like, I thought that I was cool enough. I thought that I just didn't know what to say, that whatever I would say, just would it be funny or just would it be what would you would like? In the case of anyone who's even an inch taller than me, I just thought, Oh, they're a little taller than me. They're not going to be into interested in me because of my height. Height was probably a pretty big limiting belief for me because I'm, you know, I'm a pretty relatively short guy. And I would say those were probably the biggest ones for me. And just thinking that that like, I just wasn't enough, even though like I always try to be like, in great shape and do all these things. But there is just like and I, it was hard for me to even identify at times what that was. And I think just going through those first two modules with you, I was like, you know what? Like why? What what is really wrong? Like, there's nothing wrong with me. Like, why am I still hypercritical of, like, everything that I'm doing now? So, yeah.


Connell: One more horror story from your past and then we'll talk about some of the successes and breakthroughs you've had. What's your version of the gorgeous Starbucks girl you want to do? A I want to approach when you think back to before you and I ever spoke, when would you see women or do you remember any specific girl who you said, Oh my God, I would love to go talk to her, but I just can't.


Xavier: Yeah, there's a really great example. So just a couple of weeks before I started working with you, I went with my brother and a friend to a beach for vacation. And we were at we went to a bar one night, the very first night we got there, and I was I just finished driving like 5 hours to go down to the beach and I was pretty exhausted and we decided we got some cocktails there and we were just hanging out. And there was a group of three beautiful women like standing by the bar. One of them was this really gorgeous Latina, really curvy, just she was like, Wow, a tan. And me and my friend and my brother were just constantly like looking over and looking over and checking her out. And all three of us are just terrified, like we didn't want to do it. I kind of wanted to do it, but I was like making up excuses like, Oh, I'm too tired right now. I don't look my best right now. I don't know what I'm going to say. Oh, they look like they're having more fun than we are. So why am I going to go and take their phone away? I was just making all these excuses to not approach and obviously I did it. And that's when I was like, dang! And I was kicking myself in the butt for not doing it. But yeah, that was I would say that was the most recent one. That was like one that I even to this day I still look back and I'm like, Why wouldn't I approach this girl? Like when I could have done it?


Connell: Hey, we've all been there. We've all been there. So and we're going to get to some some straight up practical how to tips coming up in just a few minutes here. But first, I want to talk about a really big internal shift and tip that you have already made, I believe, or are in the process of making, which is the the main cause of approach anxiety. It's not I don't know what to say. It's not, uh, it's not I don't have the cool lines. The main cause of approach anxiety is fearing that a woman is going to, quote unquote reject you. And then you are going to perceive that as you are not attractive and not worthy of women. And then what our brains do do is our brains say, Oh, and if I approach her and she rejects me, that means I'm not good enough for a beautiful, cool, attractive woman. So then I'll have to either settle. And be alone or or or end up marrying my inflatable woman. And if your inflatable woman then rejects you, then you're totally fucked, man. You have no hope. So basically, our brains do this crazy internal gymnastics where we say, Because think about it. If I. If I were to tell you to walk up to that beautiful woman, this is before we even work together, walk up to her and ask for her. Ask her for the time. Probably could do that pretty easily, right?


Xavier: Mm hmm.


Connell: Because there's no sex. Right. But you're still a man walking up to a beautiful woman and talking. However, as soon as we create this story of high stakes in our minds, it's. Oh, my God. If I walk over to her, I'm going to find out I'm not good enough. And I'll be alone and die lonely or settle. All of a sudden, that's where the approach anxiety comes from. That's what I was actually feeling and fearing at that Starbucks the very first night I ever went out to approach women, which was actually just a couple of months later after that Starbucks meltdown, before I went out on this rooftop bar to approach women. I had to go into the men's room stall and I had dry heaves. I had a panic attack that manifested in the form of dry heaves, even though I hadn't had a drop of alcohol. And what that was is that I now realize that was my mindset, my psychology, basically saying, Oh my God. CONNELL You're about to find out if women like you and whether or not you're a man and you'll find love. It's like so that our brains turn approaching into judgment day as opposed to what it actually is, which is you're so, so so you're a worthy man. You're an attractive, worthy guy. And once we get in touch with that worthiness, that sense of here's what I have to offer, then you can walk up to a woman and it's closer to, Hey, let me just go walk over to her and ask her the time. Well, let me go chat and see if there's a fun vibe. But she doesn't have the power. Nobody has the power to make me feel insignificant and unworthy. Have you felt a shift inside of you where you say, Hey, I'm the shit, I'm Xavier. I'm a good looking guy. I'm not 65, but I'm also. But I'm intelligent. I'm funny, I'm articulate. Have you have you gotten in touch with that sense of worthiness to help you feel like, hey, I'm in any woman's league?


Xavier: Yeah, that's a really good question. So, you know, when I first started, it was sort of hard for me to believe it because I didn't have a lot of experiences to support this belief that I am this amazing guy or that women are into me. And I think it was through creating some of those experiences by even if it was a failure or it was a modest success, but not like a great success. Even if it was just a small victory, it was like it added to the bucket or to the list of things that I can be proud of. And that in itself started to create the right belief system that I needed to like, be more confident to not be so scared of approachability. Because honestly, I think one thing that I've that I've learned is that women really do love to get, you know, have a nice guy, just walk up to them and start talking to them. Like women are typically pretty receptive to it and they're not going to like, kick you in the nuts unless you say something extremely offensive, which obviously you're not going to do, right? You just want to you just want to have a nice conversation with them. So I think just by starting to create those beliefs, by going out and taking action is really what has helped me overcome some of those limiting beliefs that I used to have. Yes.


Connell: Excellent. I can almost hear our our listener saying, but what do I say? What do I say? What do I say? In other words, what do I say when I approach? And the good news is what you say. And I'm going to give you something to say, to always say right now. And then we're going to talk about your some some of your progress. Xavier. But what do you say? Here's what you say. You can always approach in one of two ways. You can always approach in this indirect way or this direct way if you want to be if you want to be direct and vulnerable, say this and this is this is simple. It's not always easy, but it's very simple. You walk up to this woman and you say, Hi, I'm filling your name. Hi, I'm Xavier, and I just saw you and I wanted to meet you and then just let her take that in and she'll either give it a big thumbs up or thumbs sideways or a thumbs down, and it's okay. But if you just lead with vulnerability, genuineness. Authenticity. Hi, I'm Connell. I saw you, and you seem like you might be my type. I wanted to say hi. That is so much better than some. Fancy backflip pickup artist neg this tease that douche move twist with a twist and a cherry on top. Just walk up. Be simple and clear. So just walk up if you have. If you can summon that courage to be vulnerable, just walk up and say, okay, I just saw you and want to meet you. That kind of vulnerability and courage and confidence, or at least courage, is very attractive to women. You can also go the other route here, which is indirect. Here's what you can say in an indirect way. Notice something about this woman that you appreciate other than the obvious besides her curves. Notice something about her clothing, her energy, her demeanor. Article of clothing is great or a tattoo is great. And give her a sincere, specific compliment about that thing. So, for example, you're at Starbucks. You look to your left. And this, by the way, this this podcast is not brought to you by Starbucks. I accept their payment, but I'm not not being paid to say their name tonight. Let's say you're wherever you're at a coffee shop. You're at the gym. You look next to you. And there is that woman who you've been noticing off and on. And you notice, hey, she's got a really cool tattoo on her right forearm. You can just say, Hey, excuse me, Ms.. I just want to say I really like your tattoo because. And then tell her why. I really like the colors. I really like the design. That's a really cool piece of art. And then as a bonus of that, you can say, why did you choose that tattoo? So that's an indirect approach. Indirect meaning you're not making some kind of big romantic sexual thing. You're just. You're just paying her a compliment. And indirect is a really good way to approach women anywhere, because there's nothing to, quote unquote reject. So when you ask yourself, what do I say? Either say, hi, I want to meet you. I'm. And then tell her your name. Or say, excuse me, Ms.. I really like that leather jacket. I really love your style. I really love your choice of workout shoes here at the gym, whatever it might be. Just notice what you notice besides her looks. And then let those chips fall. Okay, back to Xavier's story. Okay, let's talk about approaching. Let's talk about some of the actions you've been taking in working with me. Tell me about I don't know. Do you remember the first girl you approached in this course or the first moment of that either went awful or went great? Or both?


Xavier: Yeah. Yeah, I actually do. And so one of the things that I committed to myself when I signed up to work with you and I really I think the money, you know, putting down the money and putting my mouth where the line is and saying, listen, like, this is something I'm going to invest in. And if I don't think if I had like put my money down and like, really took this to heart, I wouldn't have been so committed to a project because it was like they like I put, you know, I, I invested in this. I want to get good at this now. And so I remember it was very, very soon after I started working with you, I said, you know what? I'm going to start making a list. I'm going to approach. I think I started with like two women a week, like when I very when I first started because I hadn't approached Ever Rise, I was terrified to do it right. And so the very first woman I approached was at the gym. And I remember that I even recorded this one and I sent it to you because I was and I was like, you know, like, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea what I'm saying. I have no idea if anything is right. And you could just hear the the the tremble in my voice like I was I was terrified to approach this woman because I was like of I was like, so scared because I had I haven't really done it. And she was gorgeous, by the way. She was by like an 8.5 or a nine in my scale. Petite Asian, wearing a skirt in the gym like a pink skirt. Like she was really cute. And I and I just went up for it and I just said, hi, I just thought you were cute. And she gave me the the boyfriend excuse and she's like, Oh, I had a boyfriend. And the conversation probably lasted like 10 seconds. But that was in itself a huge victory to me because like, how many guys? I promise a woman at the gym or a women in general, right? So probably so many guys were checking out or thinking like, Oh, wow, she's gorgeous. But how many of them actually went up and like, on there and like, went up and like, said, you know what? I would like if you're my type, none except for me, which I think that makes me feel more masculine. It makes me feel like I'm a man, like I'm doing my job, like I'm I'm owning my desire for beautiful women. Like I'm I'm okay with that, you know.


Connell: Amazing. And that day, I think I even said this to you when we were talking back and forth. That you you joined a very exclusive club when you started to do that. The the percentage of single straight men who can approach a woman in the daytime without alcohol, because some guys can approach at night with some liquid courage, maybe six, seven, 10% of men. Daytime sober Jim approach one or 2% of men, I would argue, do that with any kind of regularity. Well, you know. Of single straight men. So that's something that you want to once you start going out and taking action, you want to give yourself a big pat on the back and say, damn, how many people can do that? You're doing what is for so many men? The hardest thing? Sober flirting and chatting with women. And you're doing it from a place of authenticity and genuineness, not reciting some some line you read on Reddit or in a creepy pickup artist book. Anyway, cool. All right. What's another story or a lesson you can share with us today? Tell us. Tell us about your first. The first time, actually. Didn't you go out recently? Yes. Where you went out for a couple of days, you had a couple of low moments and then a really big high moment. Yes. Can you talk about that?


Xavier: Yeah. So this was pretty recent. I pretty much have committed to every weekend, pretty much going out and trying to approach at least six women on Saturday and six women on Sunday or five and five. That's sort of been my schedule. And I and when I first started, I was freaking terrified. Like I didn't even want to leave the house. That's how terrified I was, because I knew what I was doing. I wasn't like going grocery shopping or I wasn't going to the gym or I wasn't doing something that is like normal that I do every day. Like my intention, my intent for going out was I'm going to talk to beautiful women on the street. And that's a terrifying thing to do. And so I decided I was going to go to the mall. And so I went to this mall that's near my house and I got to the mall. I was there and I was terrified. Like I walked around. I was, you know, just basically I just ended up walking from store to store and beautiful woman would pass by me. And I was starting to make excuses as to why I couldn't approach them or why should.


Connell: And she looks busy. She's walking away. She's got two legs. I can't talk to her. She's a human. I can approach her. Yeah, You come up with all these.


Xavier: And I literally what ended up happening is I literally found a bench and I sat at the bench for like 2 hours. And I just watched as life went by. Like, I just sat there and observed people watched essentially for like 2 hours. And it was it was a challenge. Like that day absolutely sucked. I remember I messaged you and I was like, today sucked. But, you know, I persevered and I decided I'm going to do it again tomorrow. New day, fresh start. Let's start again. Let's see where let's let's try to change it up. So instead of going to the mall, which I didn't have really great success, I decided I would go to the park because people are typically more stationary at the park. You will find that they'll find a bench or they'll be reading a book somewhere, like on a picnic, like a carpet or something like that. So I decided, you know what? I'm going to go to the park. And I, you know, I started picking up some steam. I approached one woman, did it go gray? But I was like, okay, let's try the next one. And I approached the next one and it got a little better. And then by the last one of the day, I actually approached the woman that looked like she was in a hurry and she was crossing the crosswalk and I was like, Oh my gosh. Like, I got to approach this of she's gorgeous. I thought she was like a nine. I was like, I'm going to do it. Screw this and go for it. I literally jog up and I do a little U-turn and I stop her and I said, I have to stop you or else I'm going to kick myself if I don't talk to you. And it ended up being such a great conversation. And she loved that. She even gave me a hug at the end, like she was like, Thank you so much. She actually thanked me and she said that I made her day like I made her day like. So I gave her value. And that was what I was talking about, about creating the beliefs that allow you to be more comfortable with approaching. It's like you have to have those experiences to like. So start believing that, yeah, like you can totally do it and women are totally open to it and.


Connell: And you got her number right?


Xavier: Get her number. Yes.


Connell: Yeah, she was wasn't she. The one who was. Yeah. She wasn't in town. That was longer. Okay. So it wasn't meant to be for a long term love affair.


Xavier: Right.


Connell: But what a great reaction and. And you got that you got that result of a woman responding really well to something that you thought used to think, Oh my God, this is wrong, weird, or I'm doing something that's going to get create a bad reaction from women. But you got a really good reaction from her and from many others, right?


Xavier: Yeah, I haven't really got any terrible reactions. The worst I would get is just the worst I got was a woman literally just like walking away. I just thought I was like, Oh, I think you're cute. And she just, like, looked at me, like, with a weird face and, like, walked away, right? Like, okay. And that was it. And I was like, okay, that's the worst that can happen, right? I mean, yeah.


Connell: So that's as bad as it's pretty much as bad as it gets, right? And it's not even that bad back, back to kind of weaving my story from years ago with your current story. So I'm out for the very first night ever approaching women. After I'm in the bathroom doing the dry heaves. Then I go out this rooftop with my then coach and I remember the first woman ever approached. She's really pretty. Standing in a crowded rooftop bar in midtown Manhattan and a July night and 29 and I palms, sweaty heart racing. I walked up to her. She had a cat wear a white cowboy hat on. And I walked up and I said something very standard. Hey, how's your night? Hi, I'm Connell. Something like that. And I guess I was kind of ready to flinch, thinking, Oh, my God, I'm finally doing it. How's it going to go? And. She didn't dislike me. She didn't like me. She was buzzed. She's kind of drunk. I remember her being kind of like, Oh, hey, what's up? Connell High. And she wasn't even making eye contact. She's looking around, but she was pleasant enough. She was just a cute, drunk girl at a bar on a Friday night. And the conversation lasted a couple of minutes, maybe at most. And she finally just sort of, you know, floated away. All right. Well, bye. I'm going to find my friends. And I remember standing there thinking, wait, that's what I've been afraid of all these years. Well, that she's just we're going to chat and talk. It'll go how it goes, and then she might not want to date me. And I realized, Oh, my gosh, there was nothing to fear. We spend. I mean, I spent 38 years well, 18 years as an adult, but I was 38 years old before I ever, quote unquote, cold approached a woman. And I'd wanted to do it a decade earlier. And I talked to the cute cow cowboy hat girl and realize that wasn't so bad. That wasn't even rejection. We're just two people talking in a bar. Then she walked away and then that gave me momentum. And have you felt that big Xavier, where you go out for a day and you say, I'm going to do my four or five today and that first one or two, maybe it's a little choppy, maybe maybe you're in your head, but you feel after a couple of interactions, you get some momentum, get some confidence going, get that what I call in my book what I call that higher self kind of activated. Can you talk a little bit about that?


Xavier: Yeah, I would say that it definitely gets a little bit easier once you've done your first or your second for the day. But even I mean, even where I'm at now, I'm definitely by no means an expert. And I even by the last one that I'm doing of the day, I still have the nerves and the jitters and I'm still scared. But I but I'm able to overcome that. I'm able to say, you know what? Or just ignore it. Just put it to the side and just say, I'm going to go for this. And so like, like that day that I was just describing, there was actually this blond woman who was probably like three or four inches taller than me and my lower self, you know, before I even started with you, there's no way I would have even approached this woman because I would have just said, she's too tall, she's not going to be into me. And I just said, You know what? Screw this, right? I'm going to go for it. And I approached her, ended up not working out. But, you know, at the very least, I was able to have the confidence to start the conversation, to get to know her, to see if that's somebody that I would potentially like today. And it's just made me more open minded to, you know, to who could be possibly be interested in me, because you never really know and you sort of just limit yourself and what you can potentially attract.


Connell: Hell, yeah. And the thing about height, a big myth that men feel is that, oh, I'm not tall enough for that woman because I'm shorter than her or shorter than what I think she's going to want to be with. And don't get me wrong, height is something that many women do value. But the good news is most women, it's not that they need a guy who's six feet minimum or taller. Most women, if they have a rule about height, it's usually, Oh, I want a guy who's at least not shorter than me. But even women who have a they tell you they have a hard and fast rule like, oh, I only date guys of a certain height. Really? What? The whole thing about height, what height does for women is it gives them a sense of femininity, smallness, soft, feminine. They feel like the small, demure gender. And women generally like to feel that way. They want to be with a, quote, big, strong man. And if you're not tall, fair enough. There's other ways to convey that kind of strength that can make a woman feel that way. You can hit the gym, get really get into really good shape. I got a client who's five, seven, five, eight. He's a Teakwondo master, and he's just having an amazing time out there because he knows how to convey that sense of strength and masculinity, even though he's not going to do it by towering over a woman, he's going to do it with sort of just being a really fit man who makes his date feel protected. We deal with flirting, right? Being man to woman, man to man, communication, making the woman feel sexy, special, attractive that way, even if you're not super tall. And so, yeah, just know that height height is kind of like looks if you're really good looking male model ask or if you're really tall and fit. These are absolutely nice bonuses to have, but the kind of like Jacuzzis they're nice to have, but they're overrated. What is underrated is courage to step up. And approach a woman and show her that you have that kind of self-confidence. And of course, just conveying that authentic self through this lens of being man to woman and flirting with women and making good things happen that way. So for the rest of our conversation, Xavier, let's just let's do some some coaching here. What questions do you have about approaching women? Any, any question Open forum. Fire away.


Xavier: Yeah, definitely. So I've done a lot of approaching in the day, but I have not done any approaching whatsoever in the night. And so I would like to know, are are women typically more receptive at night than they are in the day? And what is what is different? You know, if you think about logistics or if you think about because typically at nights when you go to a bar or a club, women are not by themselves. They're with a group of other women. So how what do you do to be successful at approaching at night that differs from approaching a day?


Connell: At night, the energy level is going to be a little bit higher because people are more loose. They're drinking for the most part. And there's also a certain social. Expectation that we're here all in the same venue. And within reason you have more quote, quote unquote, social permission to talk to people. People didn't want to meet other people. They would stay home and drink, but they're going out to do it. So in that sense, it's easier typically for a guy to say, all right, cool, I'm here. I am at the bar. Let me go talk to some attractive women because it's socially acceptable. And also women who have boyfriends or who are in relationships generally. They're not going to be out on the town with a bunch of their single girlfriends. They're going to be out with their husbands, boyfriends, whomever. Obviously, I'm painting with a broad brush here, but main differences at night is it's going to be a bit higher energy and you're going to feel women are going to be more expectant, that you'll be approaching at the same time. The downside of that is. Like other men are going to have had their liquid courage. And women are going to be approached a lot more often at night. When I was learning this and working with my coaches back in the day, I did both. I wanted to learn both. I wanted to not feel encumbered in any kind of social setting. But I gravitated toward the daytime just because I'm a very conversational person. I like to hear myself talk and think in a loud bar. Sometimes it's harder to communicate with the woman. So I always gravitated a little bit more toward daytime interactions. Plus, living in New York City, I would just be walking around New York City and see really interesting, attractive, intriguing women. As many as I might see at a club at night. I would see them in the park or at the bookstore. So I thought, Why do I even need to go out and pay $14 for a beer when I can just walk up to women here? But at nighttime, it's basically it's about it's higher energy. And there's also there's also these walls of. Little kind of layers you have to get through in order to really click with a girl. You know, to your point, she's going to be with her friends, usually daytime, a woman's night out with her friends at night. Women are rarely out by themselves. And also men are might be in the group. Other guys are trying to approach your woman at night or a woman you're attracted to, whereas during the daytime, that's almost never going to happen. So those are the main differences.


Xavier: Would you say that your quote unquote game is different between night and day, the things that you might say, could they be different depending on just because it's like higher energy? Do you have to elevate the conversation to a certain in a certain way that you would do because of that higher energy state? Or does it really does it at all direct to the way that you are having a conversation with a woman?


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Connell: You can definitely let yourself go a little bit, sometimes a lot more at night. And again, and there are there are moments and times in the daytime when I've been in that same free, really fun, higher self state in the daytime. But as humans, we're always kind of pinging and looking around our social environment. And we want to we want to behave in a way that makes social sense in that environment. So, yeah, at a club at 1:00 on a Saturday, people might jump on a couch and start dancing. Probably not going to do that at 2 p.m. on the park bench in the park. Not impossible, but that's going to stand out a lot more. So to answer your question, it is always through the lens of, Hey, I'm going to take courageous, authentic action. As me at night, you're probably going to find yourself amplifying that and dialing it up a bit more. But it's still coming from that lens of authentic man to woman and and then see how the night unfolds. Daytime, you know, you're sitting in the the the what? You know, you're you're shopping in the grocery store. You're not going to walk up and do some really fun, goofy, silly like I'll walk up to a woman at night when I get in that fun zone. And I might I might do like, give me a give me like a I'm doing a low five move, like give me a low five on the backside or high five as an open. You can even walk up to a woman when you get in the right zone at night. You could walk up and you could open with like a high five and give her a fun little spin or. Or. Or it's 1 a.m. and everybody's been out for the weekend. And you see a woman, you just say, Hey, you are really gorgeous. I had to meet you. You're sexy. Who are you? I probably wouldn't say that at Whole Foods at 1 p.m. on a Sunday. I might, but if I give you a bit more, it would be it would still be that man to woman intent, but it wouldn't be quite as intense in the daytime.


Xavier: So do you actually, this brings up a really interesting point. So when you're at a bar or you're at a club, you're kind of in a confined space. Right. So the woman is not going to leave or go or, you know, it's not outside where she could go to a different store or something like that. You're typically all in that same space. And, you know, you actually described once that you were with the client and you guys were like cutting nipples and like having a really great time. And then there was a woman that was like watching you guys and they eventually came up. But I think that's pretty unconventional. Typically, the guy would have to go to the women. I don't think women would approach men if they look like they're having a good time.


Connell: Let me let me, like, clarify the whole touching starting nipples. Yeah. No, no, no. Sorry. This is all totally true. But context matters. It was. It was not bearskin. Let me can I can I say for the record that I do not usually touch nipples with most of my clients? Yes. Yeah. The heated the heated movement will come after me if I touch nipples with any more of my male clients now. So here's the back story as that with my client. My client, James, About four or five years ago and we were at a rooftop bar again, I guess I like rooftop bars. And one of the things you want to do here's a tip When you go out at night to meet women. First things first. Don't worry about meeting women first. Be having fun with the people you're with, the person you're with. If it's a wingman, have a fucking blast with him. So, James and I, first, before we break the ice with women, we want to break the ice with ourselves. So, yes, nipples were involved, but our shirts were on, and I think we were doing like, it was like a chest bump type thing. I don't know how it came organically in the moment. I don't do it every time. We were just like bumping chests and being goofy, fun idiots. And and when you're having your own fun, then sometimes what will happen is other people will notice it like women and they will want in or they'll want they'll come over and say, Hey, what's going on over here? And that night my client and I were having a we've been out two nights in a row. We're having a blast. We did this chest bumping thing. I probably said something like, Oh, yes, let's one or twin powers activate and our nipples might touch, but we were just laughing our ass off. And women are going to be attracted to people in general are going to be attracted to whoever is having the most fun in a social environment who's enjoying themselves. So first, take care of yourself. Get your emotions in a good place, be having fun with whoever you're with. And then a great way to approach women at night is bring women into your party, basically. So. So James and I were doing. Our chest bump. And then I saw this really beautiful woman in a red dress. She looked like maybe a woman of Latin ancestry. Just beautiful. And she's with a handsome guy. And I just assume they were a couple. But we're not targeting women to approach like, pickup artists. We're just having fun being social group, bringing people into the party at night and then seeing who might be a single available woman and then letting things go from there. So. So Sophia and this other guy join our little club like, Hey, we're bumping chairs. What's up? Check out our nipples. I don't know, he said. And they're laughing and we start talking. And then here's a great tip for going out at night. Then I said something to her. Whenever you meet a woman out at night, here's a great question to ask. And it's because every woman's going to be with somebody. Usually. Hey, how do you know each other? It's a really powerful, simple question to ask any woman you approach at night because you want to know, Hey, are you with your girlfriends? Are you with your mom? Are you with your roommate? It just gives you a sense of the logistics. And so I assumed they were a couple, but I didn't know for sure. So I said, Hey, how do you two know each other? And Sofia said, Oh, that's my brother. And I was like, Yes. And so my client, James, talked to Sophia. I was talking with the brother, great guy, a veteran. We were talking about his service in Iraq, had a great conversation, but that was so my client could talk to Sophia. And about 15 minutes, ten or 15 minutes pass of me talking to the brother. And I look over the back of his shoulder. His back is to James and Sophia, and I hear her say, Oh, yes, they're real. Do you want to feel them? And she takes her hands and places them on her chest. And I'm thinking, I have the coolest, weirdest job. So the moral of that story, I think there's a couple of takeaways here. One, don't go out and walk into the place and start immediately feeling like I have to approach a woman because that's where the value is. First, you have to have your own fun on your own terms and bring women into your fun vibe. That's going to be way more. My old coaches describe it. It's like the be the B on the football team and the cheerleaders are all like going to be fans. Of all the guys on the football team, it's like you're like the fun, cool guys having fun and women you meet over the course of the night are going to be your cheerleaders. They're going to want to get in on your fun. And then also always ask when you meet a woman out at night, So who are you here with, Slash? How do you know each other? Because, hey, maybe that's her boyfriend or husband, but maybe it's her brother. Or maybe it's just a friend. Or maybe she's not available, but she's with her really cool, cute, single roommate who's about to come join her. So those are two good takeaways for nighttime approaching strategies. Great cooking class.


Xavier: So, yeah, I'm trying to think about the intent of going out for the night because like I know for myself and probably for other people out there that maybe they're not really so much night people. They don't love to go out at night, or maybe they don't have anyone else to go out at night with, so they have to go out at night by themselves. And in this situation, this happens to me all the time. You know, obviously I go out at night because, oh, I want to go approach women, right? Because I want to meet beautiful women. But if you go with that mindset, maybe you're like so fixated on meeting these women. And if you don't, then you get disappointed or you get frustrated. But it sounds like to me what you're saying is go out at night with the intent of having fun. But if you go out with the intent of having fun, then you're not really doing your objective of meeting women. So how do you how can you kind of like reconcile that you're going out to have fun, but also to meet women? And how do you how are you successful at doing that?


Connell: Well, you got to with a little practice, you have to learn to walk and chew gum at the same time and say, okay, you know what? First we're going to go out and just get over the butterflies of being out socializing with people. And that's going to take that might take a couple nights out or a couple of weekends out. But once you get comfortable being out in the social setting, you want to have a two pronged approach here. You want to say, Hey, tonight I'm going to socialize with people gravitating toward women, but not to the exclusion of everyone else. You don't want to be some weird, creepy assassin target hunter. Where the hotties? Where are the ladies? Don't talk to me. You're not a hot. Yeah, that's like no fear. Yeah. High value fun guy. And and get yourself in a nice, solid state by following the five steps that I talk about in my book. Dating sucks, but you don't. And we can't go into all those right now. But the first step is you just go out. You socialize and you begin to let those good emotions arise. Have fun knowing that. Oh, wait a minute. The way I'm going to click and connect with a really cool woman. The best way is to be having a good time, be bringing some good emotions to the table. Because think about it. It's Friday night. It's Saturday night. This woman just spent her whole week in her head dealing with logical problems. Her boss is a jerk. Guys are catcalling her on the street. Her dog is sick and she wants to just have fun and enjoy. She she's open to dating and meeting a cool guy to date and go on a date with or sometimes even hook up with if all the stars align and that's what you both want. But first, her first goal is I just want to have fun. Cyndi Lauper was right. Girls just want to have fun. So we want to have fun, too. Just because it's a win win. The woman you meet has fun. You're having more fun. By the way, if you're not having a good time, if you get to the royal you. I'm not saying you do this, Xavier, but if you get too focused on approach women for results, you get so outcome dependent that you really beat yourself up. If you go out and don't have a good night in terms of results. We want a guarantee. Every night is going to be fun, enjoyable, a good time in the ways we can control that assures you'll go out more often. And then the more often you go out, the more people you meet and the more your chances are of having some really fun. Adventures, romance successes, failures. But you're you're enjoying the process, which is really important.


Xavier: Yeah. I would actually like to talk about one thing that happened a actually, this was years ago, and I just but I just think that this is a good example of some of the situations that can happen at night time and logistics, and that's why I'm bringing this up. So a couple of years ago I was at this party and it was it was funny because I, I was with I invited a friend to come and she brought her friend because she didn't want to come by herself. And I was actually connecting more with the friend than with the one that I initially asked out to come out with me that night. And so we were like out and we were dancing and I was dancing with this one girl. I ended up with this with the friend. And I kissed the friend and a little bit and so I and the cheek on the neck a little bit. And we were getting a little bit physical. And then she actually wanted to come home with me and she's like, How are you going to come home tonight? How are you going to get home? You said like, Oh, I'll probably just get a cab and like, go home. And so all three of us at the end of the night, we get into the cab and so we go to drop the two women off first. And the woman was a little confused because she wanted to come home with me. But the other woman was like, Right, We're like, Come out. Like, What are you doing? And I was like, Oh, but like, what are you like, What do I what do I do? You know? So I, I let him plan the logistics out. Well, and I think that can happen a lot when you're out and there's a group of women And what what is your take? How do you make sure that you can be successful when you are like with a group of women and one of them is like super into you. You want you want to bring her back or you want to like, connect with her more separately or individually. How do you make sure that happens?


Connell: So such an important question, especially at night when there's lots of people out, there's lots of dynamics. So you approach there's a group of women, presumably more than one anyway, and you say, How do you know each other? Who are you here with? You get the logistics and you get logistics also like, Hey, what are you guys doing later? You want to know, do they have plans later to go to some club? Are they going to dinner later or you just want to know how free the woman you the woman who you've clicked with. You want to get a sense for how free and open is her night and you can just straight up ask her. You can say, Oh, what do you what are you up to later? What are you guys doing later? And she'll tell you and then you can take an action from there. I guess it's time to take a step back at any given moment when you're out, you want to ask yourself, What is my ideal outcome with this woman I'm talking to? What do I want? And that there's there's all kinds of different answers depending on where you are and what the situation is. So the ideal outcome might be, I want to leave this venue with her and go somewhere else where we can be alone, maybe get a drink, basically go on a date, essentially an instant date. So you need to know the dynamics. So then once you understand the social dynamics here, then you can take the right action and if necessary, get her on your team to help you. In other words, the friend who you were kissing, you might have said, Oh, hey, by the way, we should totally go somewhere else after this party and make sure we meet up for, you know, a one on one date. Or maybe you go back to your place or her place. Who knows? I don't know what was on the table there that night, but as a man, it's your job. My job? Our job to say, All right, what do I want? And how can I get her or other people to help me kind of make that happen. Now, with this situation you told me about, was the friend a girl you had potential interest in her, the other one, I mean, or in her in you, or was this just a friend situation?


Xavier: There were. There was also interest as well. Yeah.


Connell: All right.


Xavier: Yeah, it was a little complicated.


Connell: So that's a little. Okay, so that's a little trickier. So probably what I would have advised had I been a bug in your ear at the time is say to yourself, Hey, what do I want? And you wanted XYZ girl who you're writing, right? And have a little chat with her and say, Hey, you know what, I I'd love to see you later. Obviously, we all came together, so what we could do is we could drop off Jane, whoever she is, and then or we can I can drop both of you off, but then later we should totally later tonight, we should meet up at X-Y-Z Spot for a drink. Are you down? Are you on the A-Team? What do you think? You know, let's make this happen. And women, women respond to that resourcefulness. And she might say, All right, it sounds great. Let's do it, because you're actually being respectful for the girl who might have interest in you, but you're more into the friend.


Xavier: Got it.


Connell: You you're you're a nice man. You don't want to make the other woman feel. That about herself. But you also still want to get together with the girl who you're clicking with.


Xavier: So it does make sense. It does make sense. It sounds like there's a little bit of you just have to kind of plan logistically of where you want to go, how you're going to do and really think clearly about your goals.


Connell: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And introduce and you can just be again, I always come back to just transparency honesty. Say to her, Hey, you know what, we I don't want this night to end. I'd really want to. I want us to get together later. Why don't we hang out after we drop off your friend? I don't want to. Like, she might kind of maybe have a little issue with this, or we want to be respectful of her, so. And kind of, like, get it. Get on the same page. Right. Um, this happened to me years and years ago with a girl who became my girlfriend, um, not my current girlfriend, but back in the day, and it was, it was me. It was her roommate. And there was some kind of a mixed company. We met at a nice lounge here in New York City, and we both knew we just wanted to spend the night together. We just knew it. We were both on the same page. It was a Saturday night, so we just kind of talked about it and said, Well, I'm going to put X, Y, Z in a Uber, and then we're going to go to this one on the spot and then, yeah, let's hang out, just the two of us. So we just we just talked about it. We just, you know, you don't you can be very transparent about it and that showing her that you're thinking about it and that you want this very attractive to to women, it's okay to say, hey, you know what I want? I would love to end up tonight just hanging out with you. Let's make this happen. Let's let's talk. And then she'll be like, Damn, this guy's going for what he wants. Maybe you'll get it, maybe you won't, but it'll be damn attractive and a great way to go after it. So I come back to something one of my first coaches said to me. He said, On any given night, assert your ideal outcome to the best of your ability, you know, with empathy, obviously with respect for the situation, but assert your ideal outcome. And if you get it, fantastic. If you don't. Hey. You swung for the fences. And that's something to be proud of.


Xavier: And I'll just wrap it up with one last quick question. So when you when you go out at night, do you typically always have like, like logistic planning of like, okay, if I do happen to meet a girl here, here's where I may end up taking her. Or like, do you, do you have like some favorite spots that you always or have preplanned in case of something coming up? Or do you always just like do it on the spot impromptu? Like, let me check my phone. Oh, there's a pizza place that's open. I do that.


Connell: Great question. Yeah, it's a great tip. Turn on when you go out approaching day or night. Ideally, if this is if your schedule allows and you want to make it so, it does if you can, you want an instant date. You don't want the phone numbers. Phone numbers are second or third best. Ideally, you want an instant date with this woman who you just met, whether it's at night at the cool club and bar, or it's daytime at the gym or in the park. The best way to make a good connection happen with the woman is to be able to say, Oh, wow, here we are talking, liking each other, getting along, you're being authentic, you're being man to woman, you're creating some nice sparks, and then you want to suggest lead her somewhere for a date. So yeah, because that's just going to lead this strike while the iron is hot, right? A woman is more into you when she first has met you, then she will be the next day. And two days later, three days later. That's why people flake is we lose that sense of excitement, fun value. So may as well strike while you're both hot for each other, right? So you basically have a back pocket place in mind. I always like to and I advise my clients to have a place in mind to see. You want to think about it, stress about it, you know, Hey, if I meet a woman at Z's Bar and Grill, I know that the cool fun wine bar that's open late is three blocks away. That'll be the place I invite a girl to if we hit it off in a click. And the same with going out in the daytime. An instant date is a lot better to go for than just a phone number because hey, no time like the present, right? So just when you if you go out in the daytime, it's just good to have to know your surroundings and either have a back pocket place in mind where you can say, well, gosh, gosh, Becky, damn, I'm so glad I came up to you and chatted with you here at the at the dog run. Do you and Buster want to go get a smoothie with me because I'm hankering for a smoothie or a coffee? What are you are you more of a smoothie girl or a coffee girl? And then knowing where you can get both. So you and Becky and Buster can go on a date. So yeah, I always liked having a place in mine. You don't have to. If you can think quickly on your feet and know where to go, great. But it's good to have a place to basically escalate the interaction.


Xavier: Got it.


Connell: Any final questions about anything approach wise? Oh.


Xavier: I mean, the my my biggest my biggest challenge right now when it comes to approaching is approaching in a group setting and knowing how to deal or like handle the women that you're not interested in versus the one that you are interested in and like. I think you kind of talked about this when you said being authentic and like be authentic with the one that you are interested in, but is and but are there any like little tricks or gambits about handling a situation like, let's say you're you're you're walking on the street and you see three women and they just came out of this of JC Penney and they have some bags in their hands and there may be walking to their car and you want to stop them because one of them is really cute. Like, how do you how are you successful and not boring the other two? Because I think part of it is I guess I'm like, I'm worried that I'll bore the women that I'm not into and like that I'll maybe turn off the one that I am into because like, you know, so it's how do you navigate those complex situations when there's more than one player at you?


Connell: Well, if you ever see a woman who's been shopping and she's carrying bags, you can always say, Oh my God, you're the cutest bag lady. And you're like, way, way better than the other bag ladies I've seen today. The little fun little line that women like in New York City. But the way you open a group is you open a group almost like as a single entity, like, Hey, ladies. Wow, you guys look like you're out shopping for the the stylish goods today. How's your day going? Kind of open them as one. And then, depending on how much time you have, if you only have a couple minutes, then treat that treat. Treat it more like a social opening and get any of their numbers. And basically it's more of a friendly thing where you get a social number close because you don't have time to really be manda woman and find out who you're into. And if you're standing on a street corner for two or 3 minutes, it's just not time. So get all their numbers or get like the leaders number and invite them out to come join you and your friends out on the town more as a social circle thing at first. Then when they come out just to hang out with a cool guy, then you might find out who you really click with. So if you have limited time with a group, treat it more like it's almost like you're a promoter. Not that I look at it that way, but it's like, Hey, you should come hang out with my friends and I are going to this cool spot, so you get some nice warm leads. That way, if you have more than a few minutes, like let's say it's three women seated on a blanket in the park on a summer warm day and it's you talking to three women and you have logistics that allow you to talk to them more in depth, then what you do is notice who you're most attracted to and you speak with her in a more man to woman, emotionally evocative way, all written about in my book. And the other two you speak to in a slightly more friendly way. Not that you're unfriendly with the one you're attracted to, don't get me wrong, but essentially you're going to flirt a little bit more with the girl you're more attracted to and be more friendly with the other ones. And then even and women love it when you do this. You can even turn the other two into your own wing women and say and say, I don't know. Tracy and Peggy come up with the lamest names. Tracy and Peggy, You know what? Your friend Tiffany here is really awesome. I'm kind of want to ask her out, but I don't know. She is cool as I think she is. Or should I run for the hills because she might be an ax murderer? What do you guys think? So now you're charmingly bringing the friends into the equation to flirt with the girl you're attracted to. So now they're all involved, as opposed to ignoring the friends and just talking to the one you're attracted to, which is a sure fire way of of having them shoot you down, or at least not like you as much as they could. So you involve them all, but you're basically man to woman with the woman you're more into and you're a bit more friendly and even sort of almost bringing them in as a wing woman. So it's like flirting with the girl you like through her friends, which just is fun.


Xavier: And it feels like you're being pretty bold when you do this, like you're taking ownership, that you're into this one girl and you're doing it right.


Connell: Absolutely. The first rule of man to woman communication is just clarity, just making it clear, Hey, this is who I am. That's what I'm about. And not not having any kind of apology for your intention. And women find that very attractive. It's scary at first. Don't get me wrong. It's scary. It's very scary at first. But the more you do it, the more your comfort zone expands. And in time. And I guess I'll end with this with approaching, a lot of guys say to me, I want to approach with confidence. How do I approach with confidence? And my answer to that. What is. First, you have to have courage in order to get the confidence, because courage is currency that buys you confidence. That first night I ever went out, I had no confidence, but I had a ton of courage. I really did. And you've shown so much courage, Xavier. And that courage is something you can always call on. Courage. And with enough reps, then that courage begins to transform into confidence. And sort of it's an investment. And all of a sudden, you can confidently do it, but you had to earn it through courage. So don't don't not approach because you don't feel confident. Use courage and you'll feel confident. If not with that woman in that moment, I guarantee you more and more with every girl you talk to.


Xavier: Really good point. And I love that you said that. Yeah. Yeah.


Connell: Cool. All right. That's a good one to end on. Xavier, thank you so much for being my special guest today. We'll keep chatting, obviously off off of Mike and we'll keep moving forward, keep up the great work. And don't forget that you are every woman who has shown you interest all these approaches that have gone well. These are not special snowflakes. These women are not one in a million. They're one of a million. There's a lot of women out there who are going to be attracted to a guy like your good self. So keep that in mind. Stay in touch with that authentic value offer and we'll keep moving forward.


Xavier: Sounds good. Thank you for having me.


Connell: CONNELL All right. That's it for this week's episode of the Dating Transformation podcast. Remember, be authentic women already like you as long as they meet the real you. Till next time.


Woman voice: Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos and other goodies, go to Dating Transformation Icon. See you next time.


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Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001

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