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LIVE COACHING! Nate Learns The Right Way To Text Women, How To Get Out of His Head on Dates, and More!

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
listen on Spotifylisten on Apple podcasts

Do you get stuck in your head when talking to women? Are you struggling with what to say and how to text? Are you still hurting from a past break-up?

You’re in luck, because in this episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett helps you fix those problems. How? You get to listen in on a live coaching session Connell does with his new client Nate.

Nate has some common dating struggles, and in their first coaching session Connell gives Nate some advice that you can also use. You’re about to learn…

5:45 How to get “out of your head” on dates

9:00 The RIGHT way to text women (and the WRONG way)

14:00 The kinds of texts to NEVER send

17:10 Why authenticity is what women want

21:00 How NOT to overshare with women

35:00 How to stop doubting yourself on dates and feel more confident

44:00 A simple way to get over getting dumped so you can meet someone new

52:00 How to achieve an abundance mindset in datingListen now, so you can find your dream girlfriend, while dating with confidence and authenticity.

FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: https://www.datingtransformation.com/contact

GET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:
www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3


"Maybe she just didn't want to think about 8-year-old Connell [until]... I don't blame her for that!"

-Connell Barrett


Featured in the episode

Nate
Guest

Connell Barrett
Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation
Website: https://datingtransformation.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformation


Chapters

00:00 - Introduction

05:52 - Difficulty communicating via text leads to overthinking

09:43 - Create enjoyable content, be a high-value guy

10:26 - Text her with value, balance, and confidence

13:31 - Avoid needy texts to maintain interest

18:49 - Over sharing led to unraveling and self-consciousness

22:53 - Filter out non-emotional, non-romantic content in texts

26:48 - Sharing vulnerable stories can improve relationships

30:40 - Filter conversation through a positive, playful lens on dates

34:03 - Being present builds confidence, self-consciousness is detrimental

35:13 - Shift focus from "Does she like me?" to "How can I make her smile?"

38:54 - Strive less, accept current performance, reduce self-consciousness

52:07 - Heartbreak led to new love and career

54:33 - Resilience in life's challenges: Hemingway's quote emphasizes this

55:49 - Outro

Produced by Heartcast Media
https://www.heartcastmedia.com

TRANSCRIPT

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch looked like the lead singer from Weezer. I help guys gain confidence, flirt, get a great girlfriend, get dates, and do it all with authenticity. No toxic pickup artist sketchiness. And today's special episode. I love when I get to do these kinds of pod episodes because I had the fortune and enjoyment of Talking to a great guy by the name of Nate, a brand new client.

 

Connell Barrett:

You're about to hear my very first ever coaching call with Nate. Nate's a guy who's looking for help with a few different areas. He's looking for some texting help, struggles with texting women sometimes. Also, he struggles or has struggled with things like approaching. He's looking to understand how much is too much to share and overshare on a date. And then there's some good old fashioned confidence and mindset issues that we chatted about. So if any of those things sound like issues you need help with, stand by. I'm about to talk about dating with a great guy named Nate.

 

Connell Barrett:

So enjoy and, I'll catch you next time. Here we go. Let's do it. Here we go. And pause. Okay. Cool. And now we'll just kick into this.

 

Connell Barrett:

Matt will take all my blather out right now, and now we'll just do it as if we've just begun the conversation. So here we go. Hey, Nate. It's good to chat at long last, man. How are you today?

 

Nate:

I'm doing well. Thank you, Connell. And, I'm excited to be here.

 

Connell Barrett:

Not as excited as me. I'm so excited I wore my polka dot shirt for you. I hope

 

Nate:

I'm excited as well.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm excited. So I'm looking at myself in my own Zoom, and I think I just cured my color blindness with this shirt and polka dots. Cool, man. Well, hey, let's do it. Let's get right to it. I like to do coaching calls by starting with things that you want to work on. Maybe some problems that had been getting you down, whether it's texting, approaching, confidence. You tell me, bro.

 

Connell Barrett:

How would you like to start? How can I serve you?

 

Nate:

Sure. Thank you. Wow. There's so much we can explore. I think a few themes come to mind, and I try to frame it that way rather than addressing them as Problems or challenges? I try to give myself the benefit of the doubt and the self compassion, but a few things come to mind. At the top of the list, maybe we can start with overthinking.

 

Connell Barrett:

Sure.

 

Nate:

I'm a thinker by, by my nature and has its time and and place. But, When it comes to dating, I find that it can be problematic. It could be challenging. There could be some consequences, and, It's been difficult for me returning to the dating world to discern when And where and how much?

 

Connell Barrett:

How long have you been back in the dating game?

 

Nate:

So I fell back into it, recently during this year, a few months ago, and I was out of it for several years.

 

Connell Barrett:

And you're 40 ish. We'll say that. And just for the listeners, how would you describe your Job. So people can understand what you do, you know, in a few words. You don't have to be super detailed.

 

Nate:

Sure. So I'm actually, Quite content with my job overall, and it's taken me a while to find this job and and, navigate my career. I have a communications position working for a local university. And so I oversee internal and communications and focusing, especially on revising a legacy old Website for a medical department.

 

Connell Barrett:

Gotcha. So you're back in the dating game, and you're looking to meet some women, go on some dates. And Is it fair to say that the eventual goal here for you is you're looking for a great relationship, partner, girlfriend?

 

Nate:

Yes. Great question. Yes. I I think it's fair to say I'm looking for one. I I I prefer not to have any pretense that the one is a Cinderella Cinderella's slipper situation . It's perfect, but I'm looking for a good fit overall. However, I do realize that sometimes you have to put in the reps to recognize, What is a good fit? And so I'm prepared to put in those reps in the dating game.

 

Connell Barrett:

Great. It takes reps. It takes effort. Great things are worth it. I met my now girlfriend, Jess Jessamine. After a whole lot of self reflection, action, courage, some dark nights of the soul, Some wins, some losses, so it's worth it. It is worth it. Okay. First thing you want some help with is getting in your head.

 

Connell Barrett:

Do me a favor. Tell me a Quick anecdote. Be concise as you can because our time is somewhat limited for this call. Tell me about a time where you or times where you have a Cotton quote, unquote in your head with women. What context and what are some of those in your head thoughts? Wow.

 

Nate:

It could happen almost at any time or place. I do tend to find that it's it's more problematic or challenging when texting, when there's there's no there there's there's a little, like, Context or there's no, cues of body language or vocal tone, and and it just feels like I'm Just I'm in a vacuum, and and, I'm I'm I'm blindly advancing, fumbling and stumbling forwards. I I think that's probably the time when I tend to overthink the most.

 

Connell Barrett:

Okay. And so you're texting a woman or wanting to, and tell me about some of the thoughts that you define as overthinking. Is it, Oh, what do I write? I don't know what to write. I don't know how to get her to write back. Give me a bit more context if you would. Sure.

 

Nate:

So Typically, I I think that the patterns I'd see would have to do with when to respond to a text. Does it might come across as needy or desperate if I respond too soon, and then how much to respond? How, how thorough should I be with a response? Do I keep it at the surface level? Do I dig deeper?

 

Connell Barrett:

K.

 

Nate:

So I think those are some general considerations Of mine.

 

Connell Barrett:

That's very common. I'm hearing you say, oh, I don't know how I should wait to respond? Am I coming across as too thirsty, eager if I write too quickly? That kind of thing. Okay. Let me ask you a hypothetical question. Who is your dream celebrity girlfriend? If you could have anybody, who would that be? Wow.

 

Nate:

It would have to be somebody with an edge. And, I'm reaching for a name. Is it Emma Stone?

 

Connell Barrett:

Nice. You have excellent taste in dune girls. Emma Stone. So imagine Emma Stone, let's say Emma Stone's twin. You were texting Emma Stone's twin. K. Let's say she messaged you, and then she messaged you again 2 minutes later, and she messaged you again 2 minutes later. Would you blow off Emma Stone's twin and say, oh, she's so needy.

 

Connell Barrett:

She just triple texted me. No, thanks. I'm gonna go elsewhere. Would that bother you?

 

Nate:

You know, I would like to think I I wouldn't blow her off for for showing interest, but, maybe that could be seen as,

 

Connell Barrett:

Would you lose interest in Emma Stone if she double texted you? The millionaire, beautiful, stunning cover, actress, Oscar winner. Yes or no,

 

Nate:

sir? I'm going to double down with a no.

 

Connell Barrett:

Fair enough. Thank you. So I want you to think about your texting as if you are a very high value, attractive guy who that woman is interested in. And if a woman has a lot of interest in you, just as you would have a lot of interest in Emma Stone, you're not gonna look she's not gonna look at your message and think, Ugh, What an eager loser. She's going to think, Oh, wow. A message from this guy I'm really into. As long as you do one thing, which is I would like all of your text messages, almost all of your text messages to be what I call value texts. That is their intention is to make her smile.

 

Connell Barrett:

You don't have to be amazing. I'm not saying you need to write Incredible content like Shakespeare or a TED talk. Just something that's intended to give her a little smile. It could be a joke. It could be a tease. It could be a good question that you think she would be intrigued or interested in. As long as the woman you're seeing Sees you as a high value, authentically attractive guy, just the way you would see Emma Stone as a very attractive woman to you. And as long as your messages are not asking her or trying to take from her, as long as you're trying to give, You don't have to worry about almost any of those things that get you in your head.

 

Connell Barrett:

You don't have to worry about, oh, no, am I texting her too fast? If what you have to give her is of value, she's going to appreciate it. If you are thinking, oh, I texted her 3 or 4 times today. I don't want to come across as needy as long as you're giving value to her. It's not going to seem needy to her because you're not trying to take, You're only trying to make her smile. Now there are a couple of guidelines we want to follow. You do want to make sure that you're texting each other Roughly 5050, 4060 in terms of back and forth cadence, roughly. And The other thing you wanna keep in mind is you want to, I guess, I put it like this. You want to text her from the place of, hey, I've got things going on in my life.

 

Connell Barrett:

I can't text you 247, but you really don't have to play games. You could message her 2 minutes after she messaged you as long as that message is something of value. And as a guy who's an expert in communication, I mean, you and I have only just begun to work together, but I would imagine you're gonna you are or will be really good at texting, knowing how to communicate with somebody. Does that all make sense, man?

 

Nate:

It does. I I I I appreciate that feedback. And so if I'm understanding correctly, the focus would be on what is of value to the other person. So Yeah. Trying to keep it simple

 

Connell Barrett:

Yes.

 

Nate:

And avoiding overthinking, what Could bring a smile or a laugh or, or, lighten up somebody's day.

 

Connell Barrett:

Right. Exactly. Back to the let's put Emma Stone aside for a moment. Let's imagine you're seeing a woman who Okay. She's not Hollywood glamor, but she's a really cool woman you're into and you're interested in her. So she has value to you, right? She's helping you thrive romantically. She has really great things to bring to your romantic table and you to her. And so just the fact that somebody of real value to you is messaging with you is a good thing.

 

Connell Barrett:

Hopefully you'd feel that. But even if she messaged you 2 or 3 times in a row, if she messaged you, Hey, do you like me? I'm not sure if you even like me, Nate, are you into me? What are you doing? What are you doing tomorrow? How are you? If she, if she was Not offering you something that might lower your status her status in your eyes, perhaps. Fair to say? Yes. Okay. So, however, if everything she messaged you or most everything, let's say she was witty. Let's say she's funny. Let's say she wanted to compliment you on something that made you feel good. Then those kinds of text messages would make you smile, make you feel good.

 

Connell Barrett:

Even if there were more, even if they came all at once, I would suggest to you that you wouldn't see that as needy. You'd see it as, oh gosh, I just, it feels so good that we're making each other laugh, smile, have a good time. And so a big myth about texting is men think That multiple texting or texting too quickly is going to make a woman lose interest. It's not the case. What will make a woman lose interest is if your texts, The texts themselves are needy if they're taking or just not offering. So some common examples of texts that take or don't offer would be boring cliched questions. Like how's your day? How are you? How was your weekend? And then the really bad ones are things like, oh, Hey, did you get my last message? You didn't write back yet. Hey, did you have fun last night? I can't tell if you are blowing me off? Are you still interested in me? These are the kinds of needy or self-d doubtful messages. It might be understandable that a guy feels that way, but we don't want to message a woman from that context.

 

Connell Barrett:

We wanna message her from a context of, Hey, every message I, every message I send you, it's like a little, small little gift. I just, I'm trying to make you smile and doing it through the lens of authenticity, being your real best self. And, does that all make sense?

 

Nate:

It is. It's it's, I like that frame framework of the communications being gifts. It's like a care package that you're offering somebody.

 

Connell Barrett:

I like that.

 

Nate:

And actually, you bring up a good point. Another theme that I've been wrestling with a little bit that I know is very important, to you and your work, authenticity. And maybe this is a great case of me overthinking this, but, is there a good and bad example of authenticity, a a a a a true and false? For example, when it comes to communicating with somebody, when getting to know somebody, While dating, there's a side of me that tends to resort to wanting to share. So, already, I I I feel like I'm off the grid or moving off the grid from the guidelines that you're sharing, and yet I wonder where that side of me is coming from? Is there anything redeemable about it, and How can I better understand that within the overall timeline of dating? Is there a time and place for sharing More personally and at a deeper level.

 

Connell Barrett:

You cannot be too authentic by my definition. Edition. Here's my definition of what I call radical authenticity. Something that's authentic Has utility and value to the world. There's something about that word. An authentic Picasso is worth 1,000,000. And imitation Picasso's worth $50, right? An authentic voice at the town hall meeting where somebody just speaks their mind, everybody's People really pay attention. An agenda driven inauthentic voice.

 

Connell Barrett:

People can kind of smell bullshit. So I define authentic or radical authenticity as essentially channeling your highest value real version of you. So you really can't be too authentic. However, you can be too honest. I should say you can overshare if you say Maybe too much at the wrong time. So before I give you some thoughts on this, this is a great topic. I think maybe again, if you don't mind, if you have a story, An anecdote, a moment from your past. Please protect the private privacy of others.

 

Connell Barrett:

But if you were ever messaging with a woman or had a date Or and you said, oh, gosh. You said something way too . What's your example of oversharing? Maybe give an example, and I can tell you if you overshared or under shared or somewhere in the middle.

 

Nate:

Absolutely. Something comes to mind, from a recent relationship that ultimately ended up with a breakup. Things got very intense very quickly within the span of a month before it unraveled, And I think that there was, a mutual hunger from each of us, and, and we expressed This this hunger, this this desperation, this neediness in different ways, and for me, it came across as Oversharing. And I think maybe where I was coming from was I was trying to invest Early on to maybe accelerate the process of intimacy. Although my intentions were good. And so for sure. Example. Yes.

 

Nate:

One example would be in passing, in a passing text when We're checking in with each other about how our weeks were going, and I I shared about a challenging interaction I had with my roommate. And, it wasn't an essay, but it was a longish text about that interaction and, my takeaway was I feel really bad about that. I think my roommates are lonely, and I would like to apologize to them tomorrow. And her response was, Do you normally share this much with people who you just need to know? And My response was, at that point, that spun me off into my overthinking ways, and I Became very self conscious, and I felt like I had overshared. And it's hard to say if that was the beginning of the end, but it was certainly a Catalyst for my unraveling.

 

Connell Barrett:

How did you reply to her when she asked you? Do you always share this much? How'd you handle it?

 

Nate:

So to my credit and at that point in our relationship, I think I still had some I was still fairly grounded. I I tried to bring some humor. I I I had some self awareness. I paused before I responded, so I wasn't reacting.

 

Connell Barrett:

Mhmm.

 

Nate:

And I I tried to play up the levity, and I think I said something to the effect of, No. But I'm not used to it, but oh, I think I I I I said something to the effect of, Well, there's something about you besides the fact that you're a lovely lady, there's a certain kindness to you That I appreciate. And I think her response then was, what are you not used to meeting lovely, women who are also kind? And to that, I responded, with equal humor. Yes, but not But not the full package. And, and then I listed some other positive qualities, that I Okay. Admired about her.

 

Connell Barrett:

So just so I can make sure I understand you're texting. You were texting with her about a situation with your roommate. And was that an argument? Was it a problem your roommate and you were having? What was the emotional tenor of The comp the roommate situation that you shared with her, would you say was it positive? Was it neutral? Was it negative?

 

Nate:

Right. Right. Great question and a great place to clarify. So definitely on the negative side. Like, I I wasn't I wasn't bringing in, like, a moment of Celebration with my roommate. It was definitely, it was definitely an interaction that was tense. And so this is what I was introducing into,

 

Connell Barrett:

my messaging. Got it. Here's my perception. Without having read your text message, It sounds like that you it's not that you overshared per se. You wanna filter your communication with a woman in those, in that early courtship period through this lens. Without getting too in your head about this, Nate, so I'm not. I don't want you shoved in your head, but think of it like a lens you can hold up to your conversations with women. The lens is, is this serving me with her or is this a disservice to me and her. Mhmm.

 

Connell Barrett:

And you wanna filter out things that are not gonna help you Emotionally, romantically connect with her. I mean, within reason. I'm not saying every single word has to be, this is a good game. I'm not saying that, But I like to ask myself, oh, hey, this text I'm about to send her. Me bitching about my client who didn't do what I asked him to, and I'm having a tough day and it's an annoying Monday. That might be authentically, emotionally how I feel in that moment, but that's not my higher self and it's also fails the, does this serve me test or does this help us As a couple or as a potential couple, get closer test. Now when you're in a relationship with a woman down the road aways. Hey, there's a little bit of an understanding here where we can be a bit more vulnerable and, hey, we all have good days and bad days.

 

Connell Barrett:

So I think your interaction with that woman, I think she was responding to, hey, dude, why are you telling me this? This is not Whatever playful it's not positive. Maybe it was negative. Maybe just off topic. So I wouldn't say it was an overshare. I think it might have been, like, an emotional like, it might have been a misfire emotionally. Does that make sense? Yes.

 

Nate:

Yes. That's a useful distinction, a useful way to Help me untangle those ideas.

 

Connell Barrett:

You can. You can share a lot. Let me let me here's a quick story from my dating past. So I once had a first date with a woman. And it was getting really vulnerable and open about our pasts. This was years ago. And I can't believe I'm gonna say this on my own podcast. But so when I was in grade school, when I was in 8th grade, I Got it into my head. I was raised Catholic.

 

Connell Barrett:

I got it into my head somehow that it was wrong to masturbate. And then it'd be, I think it was a little bit of a religious tick that I thought, Oh, masturbation is wrong. Jesus is watching me. And I also got it in my head that if you masturbated too much, you would run out of sperm and you would never be able to have children. I don't know where this came from.

 

Nate:

We need supply.

 

Connell Barrett:

So I had this story in my head as a little kid, and I went something like, I don't know. 300 days without touching myself in 8th grade, which is the time when your body is really popping with hormones. And I remember 1 I was watching MTV 1 night, and, Like A Virgin video came on, Madonna. And I just like, I can't take it anymore. I gotta do this and, you know, I broke down and felt really guilty. Anyway, I told this story once on a 1st date, Almost exactly the way I just told you. It made sense in the context. We were both sort of confessing things about childhood and she Thought it was so funny, vulnerable, not weird, not an overshare.

 

Connell Barrett:

2 weeks later, I shared the exact same story because I thought, Oh, tell me you took a masturbation break in 8th grade, but Madonna Wore you a down story. And this other woman thought it was the creepiest, weirdest thing. She's like, why are you telling me this? This is weird. And in my mind, I'm like, wait a minute. Why did this work so well 2 weeks ago with Bethanne? So what's the story here or what's the lesson that I learned? Context matters. The 1st time it was organic and it was super vulnerable and I was sharing a lot and she liked it. The 2nd situation, I was kind of forcing it a bit. I was thinking, oh, this is a good game.

 

Connell Barrett:

It's my vulnerable masturbation story. And also maybe that was partially why she didn't like it. Maybe she just didn't wanna think about 8 year old Connell, under the blanket in his bedroom. I don't blame her for that. So the bottom line is you there are totally times when you can share massive amounts of, Specific Vulnerable Things. You just want to think, Hey, is this gonna be possibly good for the date? And in the first instance, This woman and I were just both kind of opening up swapping stories and it was good. It showed vulnerability and sort of, there's also a certain, a certain attractiveness, I think, that women can see in a guy who can tell a vulnerable story from the past. So Bottom line is here, bro.

 

Connell Barrett:

You never know until you share and it's okay. Don't think of it as, oh gosh, I should never overshare. I should never share something personal again. I would say to you, filter it through. Hey, is this gonna help us get closer? Is it positive, neutral, or negative? If it's negative, If it's something not maybe fun, positive to talk about, that's probably something to stay away from in those early kind of courtship dates and weeks.

 

Nate:

Right. That makes sense. So intimacy is something that's earned over time.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Lowering that guard happens over time. Again, it's all context dependent. I remember, I had a 1st date not long after my mom passed away in 2017. And I remember having a date, I don't know about a year later. And all of a sudden we were talking about big life things that normally I wouldn't talk about on a date, But all of a sudden, I found myself talking about giving my mom's eulogy.

 

Connell Barrett:

Now that might be a negative or too serious thing to talk about on a date, which in a vacuum, I would say probably was. But on that date, it made sense in the context. She was opening up about people she had lost. I wanted to share something about my mom and the eulogy I did with my mom. Now at the same time, my dating coach brain was saying, Connell, Don't talk about your mom's death for an hour. You're on a date. It should mainly be positive, playful, and light, but it's fine to veer off into more vulnerable overshare moments. Sorry, not overshare, vulnerable sharing, If it makes sense in the context, but then put that car back on the positive, playful, flirtatious road.

 

Connell Barrett:

So I did not talk for very long about my mom because I didn't want to. That's not going to help the date, but it made sense in that context. So it's really so context dependent.

 

Nate:

Right. And, ultimately, it's about how you make the other person feel. It's about how you feel together. Yeah. Right? Make each other feel.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. At the moment. Yeah. It's sort of like, Have you ever ever watched the TV show Mad Men?

 

Nate:

Yes. Loved it.

 

Connell Barrett:

There's a Mad Men episode where Don Draper, Jon Hamm, and Roger are out with clients. And they're having a good old time drinking with the guys from Chevy. They're trying to land the Chevy account. And then Don had some other weird agenda, and he starts talking about Vietnam and all the awful horror of Vietnam. And Roger shoots him a look. And then later Roger takes Don aside and says, what the hell are you talking about? Why'd you bring up Vietnam? We want to make these guys feel great. We're trying to create a win-win business relationship here. Why are you talking about body bags? And that Moment reminded me of a similar mindset to having a date.

 

Connell Barrett:

Again, I'm talking about the dating kind of courtship. Part of dating 1st 2, 3, 4, 5 dates, especially the 1st couple is you want to filter conversation and topics through the lens of Is this going to help the date or is this going to bring us down? And, you know, Don, I'm not saying think about a woman like She's a sales prospect like on Mad Men, but monitoring, understanding that every date we want to keep it positive, Keep it playful, a little bit flirtatious. And if you catch yourself thinking, Oh, wait, that story would be negative or inappropriate or, drag us down, then, learn the lesson that Don Draper had to learn. Keep it, keep it positive. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Yeah. I hope that all computers.

 

Nate:

That does. And, again, I'm a big fan of the show Mad Men, especially as a writer. It strikes a lot of chords for me. And I I think where the distinction then is for me or the difference is, maybe this is where confidence comes in. Confidence in maybe there's other dimensions of, like, self awareness and, other awareness. And I've heard somebody make a distinction between self consciousness and self confidence. I'm not sure if that resonates for you and, you know

 

Connell Barrett:

What was the distinction? I'd love to hear

 

Nate:

more. So Self consciousness being a mindset or A a a state of being that's that's more tangled in one's baser Instincts of of fear and anxiety, maybe some some lower desires about Pursuing somebody else about what you can gain

 

Connell Barrett:

Mhmm.

 

Nate:

Yeah. Them, And as well as doubts and insecurities where self confidence is is rooted in one's Hi yourself within your your framework of, of one's, positive qualities while also Accepting one's, may maybe, weaknesses or or lesser strengths, but, Ultimately, there's a groundedness in self confidence and in other person focus and self Confidence? Yes.

 

Connell Barrett:

Oh my god. You just have a psychic connection. You just read me, you just read my mind. So glad you said that. I love this topic, self confidence versus self consciousness. Here's my definition, very similar to what you just shared, Nate. To me, self confidence is having a grounded connection to your value. Knowing you are enough in that situation while also being very present and focused on the other person and yourself in a very present way. So you're not you're yes, you're, you're feeling confident in your worth and value and very present with that person.

 

Connell Barrett:

If you are present and have a good sense of your worth and value, you're going to feel and come across as very confident. Because if you think about it, if you're present, you're not thinking 3 steps ahead or 3 or judging what happened 3 minutes ago. You're just in that moment. Self consciousness, I believe, is being overly aware of yourself and Grading and judging and doubting what you're doing at that moment. That's where self consciousness is going to mess with you. I think that's and it's okay to be self conscious at times. I've been on, I once did the math. I don't know.

 

Connell Barrett:

Maybe a 1000 1st dates. Wow. If you count video dates and phone calls, like basically about a1000. And I was self conscious for a massive amount of those times. And I got better at it as I went along. So what I learned was how to get out of self consciousness into self confidence. Here's what I learned. If you catch yourself thinking here's a, here's the thought that creates self consciousness.

 

Connell Barrett:

Tell me if you've ever thought about this. Is she liking me? How am I doing? Am I impressing her? Is this good? Will there be a 2nd date? Very me focused. Okay. And that's an understandable place to want good outcomes. I want every woman to like you to be super into you, but in the present moment with her, that's not gonna serve you on the date. So when you catch yourself thinking, does she like me shift to a different question? Here's a great question to have running your Mo . Here's a great question to have as the motor that's running the vehicle of your date. The question would be. How can I make her smile? How can I get really present with her and give her a great night? How can I give you multiple choice options?

 

Connell Barrett:

Any of these are good. How can I flirt and make her feel sexy? By being genuine and real. All of these core questions are much more empowering than does she like me? How am I doing? Will there be a 2nd date? Got to try to push those thoughts out and say, how can I make her smile? How can I listen to her? How can I give us a great night together? And then because think about it, if you're focused on giving to her While being present, you're getting out of the self conscious mindset. Well, you're also giving yourself a really good chance to get the result that you're self conscious about, if that makes sense. Does it?

 

Nate:

Yes. What comes to mind is: It sounds like your model leaves room. It is really encouraging. People give themselves the benefit of the doubt. And, self confidence is coming from a place of, recognizing your value, recognizing the value of the other person, of the relationship or the, potential relationship and and round up, like, giving yourself, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. And I I think maybe that's where some of these themes, if I think of them that way, are interconnected or sometimes get Tangled up in one another, the overthinking with the self consciousness, Yes. And lack of confidence, as well as the oversharing.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Oh, here's another cause of self consciousness. I know this really well from Not dating so much, although back in the day. Yes. Also from doing improv comedy or playing sports. If you Are trying to reach a certain level of quote performance on a date? Witty, funny, Amazing alpha, whatever a guy wants to achieve, and you feel yourself falling short of that, that gap, if you're focused on that gap, That's gonna create, oh, why aren't I in the zone tonight? Why am I not saying the funny thing I wanted to say? I ran into this recently when I was on an improv team. I never, I shouldn't say never. I rarely performed as well as I wanted to.

 

Connell Barrett:

And it I'm so in my head and it created this vicious cycle of me trying hard to do better improv, be funnier, Make it more successful, impress the audience. And the more I, the more I tried, I saw the gap between where I was and where I wanted to be. And it made it harder for me to just Get present, let my humor come out, and let the improv show be whatever it's gonna be. So That gap between where you are and where you want to be with your performance can also create self consciousness. The fix for this or the, the aspirin to take is Except where you are right then and there. This is, this is how I feel. I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to strain To reach some high bar of whatever the thing is you're not yet achieving.

 

Connell Barrett:

Witty, funny, flirty, and she likes me. Come back to what I call the 3 P's. Come back to the present. Come back to positive. It's a date. Things should be positive. Fun topics. And then playful.

 

Connell Barrett:

It's good to play. There's not a woman in the world, I don't think, very few anyway, who don't wanna have fun. Just have a nice, fun, light, playful time on a date, especially the first one or 2. So those 3 P's like, Okay, Connell, You're not in the zone today. You've been whittier. You've been cooler. That's fine. It is what it is.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm not gonna reg I'm not gonna press up against it because that just creates more resistance. Self consciousness, in other words. Get a present. Listen to her. Be positive. Be upbeat. And how can I play? How can I play with her? Because playfulness is basically the essence of flirting, I feel. Cool, man.

 

Connell Barrett:

We got about another 10, 12 minutes left, in, in the last remaining time we have here. What else Can I do? How else can I help you? What topics, challenges, goals? What's on your mind? How can I help you, bro?

 

Nate:

Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. I think maybe it could be of value to explore how to move on after a breakup And, any general guidelines you have about that, I I feel like I I've Mostly recovered at this point, but it still hurts

 

Connell Barrett:

Mhmm.

 

Nate:

From time to time. It has been strangely inspiring. I feel like it shocked my system, ultimately, in a positive way. And, I've I've been very I've been journaling very prolifically, and, and it's just Pouring out of me, but and I've done my best to reflect, and I'm I'm trying to frame it that way as a reflection rather than, like, like, Performing a forensics case of trying to get to the bottom of why, why, why, why me, why now.

 

Connell Barrett:

Right.

 

Nate:

Because I realized that's just a A bottomless pit, that will never end, and I'll likely never get a satisfying answer. But, it still hurts, and, I'm sure that's the type of a type of pain that's universal that we all share at times during the dating process. And So I'd be curious to hear some of your thoughts about how to move on after a breakup, whether the Positive, negative ways are ways to do it.

 

Connell Barrett:

Let me ask, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Since at any point during any point post breakup, have you found yourself asking you the question, Why me? Why did this happen to me? Anything like that?

 

Nate:

I think, Even during the breakup, I was absolutely shocked. I I I didn't. I didn't expect it. I mean, I I went into that call, with a bad feeling, I was just feeling off after a road trip. I was exhausted. I was sore. I just wasn't in a good state of mind to have it, and I I I felt I had this nagging feeling in my stomach and about turning down the request to have that call, but I thought I'd rise to the occasion. And as soon as I picked up that phone and made that call, I quickly realized what I'd Gotten myself into, and that was that was the fur the first thought that came to mind.

 

Connell Barrett:

So you

 

Nate:

What's happening?

 

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So you broke up. And while this is happening, you caught yourself thinking, Ugh, why is this happening to me? Fair enough. That's the most common question to ask yourself. I wanna ask you a different question. I want you to ask yourself a different question and really think about this. Share it with me. Be honest.

 

Connell Barrett:

Ask yourself a different question. Ask yourself about the breakup, about the relationship or the end of it. Answer this question with The highest self version of Nate. Here it is. How is this happening for me?

 

Nate:

Right.

 

Connell Barrett:

Or how might this be something that has happened for me, that will give me something, that will bring a reward and value. What might be the answer to that question? Wow.

 

Nate:

Yep. That's a deep one. And I I think that's territory I've explored with journaling, And I can approach it from so many angles. I mean, first of all, I feel like this experience has wet my Appetite again for dating, and Okay. It's been a positive reminder of what I'm capable of, that I can do it. I wasn't looking for this relationship. I wasn't looking for this experience. I stumbled across it, and I recognized it as an opportunity, and I didn't wanna let it go.

 

Nate:

So I don't regret it, as much as it ended in a way that I would prefer it to have ended differently. But, but Even with that said, I find that it's important not to play the part of a victim that Brad can look back on and hopefully not coming from a place of forensics of trying to get that definitive answer, but more coming from a place of, Mindful reflection of c o. Yes. I could see how my tendencies did contribute to the unwinding with the thinking, the oversharing, the general texting confusion that might be something that People share and comment on. It's Okay. You're missing out on so many cues.

 

Connell Barrett:

So let's do 3 quick bullet points. One positive from this potentially is wetting your appetite to go to get back out there and date again. So a little bit more motivation. Yeah?

 

Nate:

Yes.

 

Connell Barrett:

Great. Give me a second thing that if you think of this breakup as, oh, This is happening for me, or it will happen for me. What else might this relationship bring you in the future? Or I should Say the breakup, what might it open up in the future for you? What specifically what's a second potential benefit?

 

Nate:

So, yeah, I'm reaching for something that I could really, like, simply Define, but it's more of a vague feeling. If you if you don't mind me just wandering into that territory is one of the lessons It's

 

Connell Barrett:

It's just a podcast. You can talk as long as you like.

 

Nate:

Okay. One one of the lessons learned for me is that

 

Connell Barrett:

Yes.

 

Nate:

It's that love, It must begin as a spark. Something's being ignited, but it can't end as a spark. It it it's the spark has to It has to at some point, it has to turn into a fire, and that fire has to be stoked. And so maybe maybe I'm thinking a little philosophically about this, but this has been part of my reflection process of, I feel like, Dating as well as a view inside the trenches. This has been, a retrospective Review, that's that's more coming from, like, a bird's eye perspective of, okay, well, then it simply wasn't meant to be. I really like this person. And, for whatever reason, At this time and place, my feelings aren't reciprocated.

 

Connell Barrett:

Mhmm.

 

Nate:

And, that's fine. I I I can't I can't change things. I can't undo that. And in my mind, it doesn't make sense to even pine on the sidelines for a vague possibility of things Getting back together, I I I feel like it's healthier, and it could. It could. The reconciliation's a possibility, but it's not something that I'm clinging to.

 

Connell Barrett:

How long were you romantically involved with this woman?

 

Nate:

Just 1 month. And that's the crazy part is it was very intense, for both of us in different ways, and it ramped up. And, and, yeah, it was basically over as soon as it started. And And regardless of the the the investment, It it it's it's still hurt and pay pain is pain, but, the lessons

 

Connell Barrett:

Do me a favor. Close your eyes. 30 seconds. Visualize something. Visualize your future partner, girlfriend. Maybe she looks a little bit like Emma Stone. Maybe she's got big eyes and she loves to cuddle up on the couch with you and watch movies and travel, go to dinner. And she loves your Sense of humor.

 

Connell Barrett:

You love hers. She's a great kisser. She's supportive. She loves hearing about your day. Imagine This is the woman you're going to share your life with your soulmate, your lover. Maybe one day your partner, if you want to get married, maybe not, but The girl you're going to share your life journey with. I want you to imagine that the reason why you're with her is because this last relationship ended. That last relationship ended because you were meant to be with let's call her Emma for now.

 

Connell Barrett:

Now, if this were true, if this happens in the near to middle future, would you be able to look back on this last relationship and think, Boy, it sure hurt at the time, but I'm glad it ended the way it did. Cause look who I get to be with. She's perfect for me. We're so in love and, gosh, I'll miss X, Y, Z woman, but man, this was the way it was meant to be. Is this possible?

 

Nate:

Yes.

 

Connell Barrett:

This is how we want to look at breakups. After a little bit of Mourning. It's okay to mourn. In fact, it's human to mourn and hurt. And it's totally normal to say, hey, why me? What did I do to deserve this? That's how I felt after my wife of 9 weeks left me. And I felt like I was rejected by all women. And I thought, oh, I guess I'm just not what women want. And then Eventually, I said, hey, Connell.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm gonna take all this rejection. Instead of asking myself, why is this happening to me? I asked myself a much more powerful question. How is this happening for me? And that's a question that will change your life. Certainly not something I came up with. There's an amazing book called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, classic self improvement, self development book. Frankl talks about being in a Nazi prison camp and saying, Hey, if I get out of this, I'm not going to become a victim. I'm not going to spend my life feeling like the world's against me. I'm going to transform This into a story where this will never happen again.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm going to turn it into something that happened for me, not make myself a victim for the rest of my life. So if my wife of 9 weeks hadn't dumped me, I would not be a dating coach. I would not be with my partner, Jess, who I'm in love with and we're incredible together. I would have lost all these other things had that relationship continued. So the thing that you think It's a terrible, awful, heartbreaking breakup at the moment. It might feel that way. And I honor that. If you Think, how can this be something that serves me and happens for me? Then it can propel you to love connection and finding somebody who's way better for you than that woman may have been for you.

 

Connell Barrett:

Right. Thoughts? Right.

 

Nate:

I I think that's great. I appreciate the abundance mindset.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah.

 

Nate:

And, It it's it's a wonderful reminder, that's something I feel like we should be, incorporating into our life more often, not just after, A a breakup, but, like, punctuating it throughout our daily life, and it's it's really only that's a newer skill that I've been working on over the last Couple years of, like, grounding beginning every day with some gratitude and

 

Connell Barrett:

Right.

 

Nate:

And so It's yeah. It's a wonderful reminder. It hasn't always come naturally. I feel like the victim mentality can still claw at me from within, and maybe At times, I've taken the approach of trying to, like, lop off the heads of the hydra, and And And And somehow that hasn't been so effective looking back at it. It's like, well, they always grow back. So maybe rather than focusing on, Like, this this grand heroic fight of, like, slaying the dragon may be may be a different approach of, like, Kind of befriending the wounds, befriending the experiences, celebrating them

 

Connell Barrett:

Right.

 

Nate:

Recognizing value in them and maybe that can help you, if you process it authentically.

 

Connell Barrett:

Right.

 

Nate:

Recognizing that there's Season for everything, but that can ultimately help you move on.

 

Connell Barrett:

Look, I'm a big Hemingway guy for quoting. He was a bit of an asshole in real life, but he said some, he wrote some really brilliant things and I'll I'll I'll we can end with this. He wrote The world breaks all of us at times. And if you survive, you're stronger in the broken places. In other words, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. As long as you look at it through the lens of, Hey, how is this something that happened for me, not to me? And trust that it will happen for you. And as you and I move forward, keep thinking about, Oh, every step I take, every, Every improvement, every setback, every setback you overcome, I should say, brings you 1 step closer to that woman you're going to share your life with While you grow into the man, you are at your best at your core. So these problems, to paraphrase Tony Robbins Problems, aren't problems.

 

Connell Barrett:

They're opportunities. Problems help us sculpt our soul a bit by overcoming them and growing in the process. Anyway, thank you so much for this chat. We gotta I gotta bounce now, but, we'll do this again, and we'll talk more about your dating goals, and we'll move things forward. Sounds good?

 

Nate:

Thank you, Connell. Again, I appreciate it.

 

Connell Barrett:

Cool. Adios, amigo.

 

Nate:

Adios. Okay.

Get Transcription
Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

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