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LIVE COACHING! What to Say When You Approach Women, to Be Charming and NOT Creepy

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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If you wonder what it’s like to work with a renowned dating coach, this episode is for you. Because dating coach Connell Barrett takes you “behind the curtain” and lets you listen in on a coaching session with his new client Ryan.

If you’re like Ryan, you struggle with flirting, or you have self-confidence. Or you want to approach women but it’s difficult for you? You’re about to learn…

• How to overcome “approaching anxiety” so you can meet some wonderful women
• What to say when you want to approach and not seem creepy
• The secret to self-confidence with women
• How to flirt with women with charm, and no pickup tricks
• How to gets dates in a matter of days!

And a lot more.

Listen to Connell’s live-coaching session with Ryan, as he has some BIG dating breakthroughs. It’s time to stop struggling in your love life, and to start attracting wonderful women, as your most authentic, confident self. Listen now!

FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: http://www.datingtransformation.com/contact

GET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:
www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3

"So the lack of eye contact comes from your social discomfort. With doing this combined with those confidence pieces of confidence kryptonite. Okay? It's gonna take time."

-Connell Barrett

Featured in the episode

Connell Barrett
Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation
Website: https://datingtransformation.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformation

Chapters

00:00 - Introduction
06:21 - Transforming Negativity into Positive Action
06:54 - Identifying Confidence Kryptonite: Building a Strong Foundation
13:23 - Discovering Areas Where You Feel Amazing
17:13 - Energy, Eye Contact, Confidence: Women's Response
20:38 - Extended Phone Sessions: Transformation and Confidence Talks
24:24 - Flirting Confidently: Asking About Her Eye Color
26:06 - Utilizing Colorblindness to Spark Conversations
30:03 - Overcoming Worry, Self-Doubt, and Overthinking
31:42 - Politeness in Approaching and Asking Someone Out
38:02 - Embracing Internal Validation, Ignoring External Sources
39:15 - Approaching: Not Weird, Actually Creepy Not To
42:25 - The Risky, Yet Safe Strategy: Confident Approaches
46:08 - Letting Go of Unrequited Love and the Past
49:06 - Accepting Rejection, Focusing on Future Opportunities
55:05 - Practicing Confidence: Voice, Approach, and Growth
55:51 - The Admiration for Social Charm and Gentlemen
56:10 - Outro

Produced by Heartcast Media
https://www.heartcastmedia.com

You May Also Like:

How John Went From Low Confidence To Dating Incredible Women

Live Coaching With Nate: How To Get Out Of Your Head

TRANSCRIPT

Connell Barrett:

 

Welcome back to another episode of the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt and date some wonderful women and eventually get a great girlfriend. And we do it with authenticity and integrity and good genuine vibes. No creepy pickup artist moves. Moves needed. And one of the things I love about my job is that I get to help guys who struggle with some very common problems like, You know how to structure a 1st date, what to talk about, how to plan a 1st date. You might be struggling with things like confidence, general confidence with women, Not sure how to flirt or how to text.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

And today we have a very special guest to help us talk about how he Cracked the code working with me. I'm joined today by my buddy and client John. John, I've been working with for a little while now And, he's just come so far. We're gonna do a full on kind of a coaching client catch up chat just to look at all the amazing progress John has made since before he first worked with me. So, John, thank you so much for being here, man.

 

John:

 

Of course, Colin. Happy to be here. It's great to see you.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Awesome. Yeah. Before we get into some dating tips, sort of how you were struggling with, how we improved a lot of things, and, wherever you wanna go, Maybe give us, like, a CliffsNotes view of just who you are. What's your job? Where do you live? Tell us a little bit about your life.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. Of course. So I'm a 33 year old man, of course. I'm, born and raised in Orange County, California. I recently moved to Miami in April for work. I'm an executive at Paycor, a payroll and HR tech firm, so I was very excited to take the leap of faith and move all the way across the country. And, Yeah. You know, it's been a great experience so far, and I love being here.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

And, you know, I was so happy when we first met, because I've done a lot of research and I've worked with previous coaches in the past and really didn't have a lot of success until we met. So, you know, I was happy that once we connected and, You know, being able to implement a lot of the things that we talked about and have learned and have learned over time has been pretty, it's been almost a miracle. I I I really do think it's I really do think it's that powerful, because the person I was, in in my head, you know, looking back, When when it came to confidence, when it came to, well, you know, how how to structure a right date, you know, what to say, what to do, All those things, you know, because I was in sales, I never really had a problem asking questions and being myself. I never really struggle with the anxiety that a lot of guys out there struggle with. Lot of it was really tactical. You know, I was going on dates, meeting women from, you know, different dating apps, and going in person and having a great conversation like you and I are, But that connection just wasn't quite there. I was asking the wrong questions. I wasn't that wasn't initiating enough touch.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

There's so many little hidden improvements that I made that drastically improve the success of my dating life. And if I couldn't I wouldn't be able to do without you. So

 

John:

 

Thanks, man. Well, hey, I might be Yoda, but the force is strong in you, John. Yoda could only help Luke because Luke had the Force inside of him. So, you're the one going on the dates. You're the one these women have liked, but thank you. Okay. Let's back up to before you and I first spoke. What were some of your core dating problems that you were just like, oh, man, I really wanna fix this.

 

John:

 

I am so done with this problem. What was bugging you?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

I think the first thing was, of all the quality dates I was going on, And and how I was you know, when I was in sales, we say how we run an appointment. Well, when I was running a date, I was doing a good job at asking questions. The flow was there, but it was never really advancing to the 2nd or 3rd day because of certain things I was doing before meeting you and learning some of these best practices. That was one thing. Confidence wise, you know, I I always thought myself as a, you know, an 8 an 8 8 out of 10. Right? And I think that, you know, Coming to the understanding after, you know, one exercise I think we did together was writing down all the things that I like about myself or I'm proud about myself.

 

John:

 

The awesome list. Yeah. Right. The awesome list.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

The awesome list. And I was surprised at how many things I was able to come up with, and I'll tell you what, that instant, when I was done doing that exercise with you, I remember going out on a date that night, maybe maybe the next night, And the level of which I carried myself, the level of which I saw myself, I I started thinking myself as a 10, as an 11. Right? And when you and I have talked about women I've dated since and, You know, sometimes when you've been in a relationship a long time, there's a lot of guys that are, you know, I'm sure that, you know, looking at this video or wondering, hey, you know, I've I've been out of the dating game for 3, 4 years. I was in a relationship. I'm not sure what's changed and what to do. When we first met, having gone through the modules, going through training, going to the coaching sessions really refreshed me, but also, you know, I learned, you know, what does a good date look like? You know, what does a good conversation look like? What is the importance of physical touch on a first date? There are a lot of different elements there.

 

John:

 

Let's back up and talk about some of the things you were doing wrong. Yeah. Only because that's how a guy can say, oh, I'm doing that. I gotta stop doing that. What were some of the mistakes you're making on first dates?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

I think the biggest

 

John:

 

one Go ahead.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. I think the biggest one that comes to mind is, physical touch, whether that's a simple high five, you know, if if we're at the if we're at the bowling bowling alley or for the shooting range or At Topgolf, something where that you could, you know, applaud your date for doing something, doing that just just starting off with that is such an easy way To really build that, you know, build that connection. And before I learned some of those techniques, I was just kinda sitting in my chair, my drink and just sitting and just asking questions. I really wasn't initiating enough touch, and I've learned since I started doing that That the dates go much better. And not only do they go much better, they advance to another date or a 3rd date and so on and so forth.

 

John:

 

Yeah. I think the biggest secret to physical touch in doing it in a way that's charming and makes sense to women and is not creepy is simply having a g rated reason to touch.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Like, oh, hey, let me

 

John:

 

hold this golf club here. Here's how you wanna hold the golf club. One of my favorites is the jewelry inspection.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

It's

 

John:

 

10, 15 minutes into the date. You grab her hand and you say, Oh, what's up with this jade bracelet? What's the Story here while holding up her hand. It makes sense to women as opposed to what guys do wrong, which is, Oh, let me put my hand on your thigh, and leave it there like a sweaty dead fish before you and I even have rapport as people. So Have a reason for that physical touch as opposed to just the dead salmon hand.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Exactly. I think it's all about being your authentic self. Right? You know, not not not trying something you read online or, you know, a buddy maybe had told you, you know, get advice from someone that knows what they're talking about, someone that's, You know, it's been out there like yourself and let that happen naturally. When you try and force something in any part of your dating life, they're gonna feel that. They're gonna feel it in some way, and I remember going on dates. And when I was before we had met and I was trying to do that physical touch, I felt uneasy. It felt, it felt scripted. It did not feel authentic, and it also felt awkward, like you said.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So I think, you know, that was one of the biggest things I learned and one of the things I still do to this day on every date that I go on. And I really think, You know, driving really doing that the right way comes down to how you approach it. Right? So if you're just touching someone just to touch them and you're nervous And you're touching them, you're you're you're gonna you're probably not gonna get the right the right feedback or, you know, it's why we're not gonna move forward. Okay.

 

John:

 

I'm going to put a little pressure on you in a good way. What I love about helping guys like you is that often a guy starts to innovate. He comes up with the things that he loves to say, whether it's a funny joke or a way he likes to initiate touch or a really fun, silly question that you found works for you. Are there any John specific moves you've learned that work like a charm for you that our listener might want to hear?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. I think one that comes to mind is, you know, I mean, it really depends on the scenario of the date. Now where you're at, before we had met, I was going on traditional dates where we just, you know, simply went to dinner. Right? Not going on you know, not doing a fun activity that I like or not going out for drinks. I was committing to a full on expensive dinner and thinking that would woo her over. So I think, learning the right setting, you know, everything and the mechanics, everything from sitting next to someone, Like, I remember that was a big thing, a big game changer for me that you taught me. Right? Rather than being in an interview feeling like an interview now for me, it was different because I've been in sales for My entire career over a decade. So I was used to having that conversation, but, you know, women are in a similar sense to a lot of the guys or listeners that we have are nervous on their 1st date. So creating that setting where you're able to sit sit next to them at a bar you know, at the bar, it's it's much easier To to have conversation, I think it puts it pull it pulls their guard down, and and for me, it also makes a lot of like, for example, touching a lot easier versus Reaching across the table and doing some awkward thing, it's mostly it's much easier to to do something if they're next to you like this.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

And so I remember that being, you know, a big game changer. That was one of the first things I implemented, and I just like I've said before, I saw their success. I saw the difference it made going forward going to a next date or, you know, going to another bar after that 1st place. So it's another thing I really enjoyed and learned from you was, hey. If there's a place that's near them, you know, if you have an idea of what city they live in, Pick a fun place near them, but also pick a place where you can go somewhere else afterwards. You know, keep that date, you know, within a normal range, but If it's going well, have that place in your mind. Hey, Connell. I've got a great spot really not down the street that I'd love to go love love to take you to.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know, would you be open to going, or does that sound fun? That was also another thing that I remember doing and still do to this day that makes a huge difference.

 

John:

 

Yeah. Women love a man with a plan.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yes. I do.

 

John:

 

And just being that guy who can with certainty and confidence say, hey. You know what? We'll finish these drinks, And I know a really fun spot we can bounce to next. And then just women, did you see the way? Well, let me ask you. I don't know. I wasn't there. How did women start reacting to you when you began to take that leadership role? Do you remember?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. I mean, I I remember, I'm you know, one of the things I remember you telling me was psychologically going on going to 2 different places versus just going to 1 place and calling it a night. You Know if it's not going well, it's one thing to cut it off and say, you know, you know, walk her to her car. But if it's going well and, you know, you still have time in the evening or where whatever time of day it is, Going to a 2nd date, in in the back of their mind, once the date's over, in their head, they've you've had 2 dates on one date. So on the 3rd date, you know, the escalation is is much more than just 1. And so that was something I thought was interesting, and definitely was was True. And then I saw it when I was out in the field, so to speak.

 

John:

 

Nice. Do you have any fun stories from early on, and you're working with me? A moment, a moment you had where a woman reacted to you or said this, Sure. You had a breakthrough moment. Can you bring us into a specific moment that comes to your mind when you feel like, hey. I'm really getting this. Some good things are happening. Tell us a story if you got one.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. I think once I took that leap of faith, you know, going back to to implementing touch in my dates, I noticed that The women, you know, if I was if I was doing the right if I was doing a good job and not being creepy and being myself and authentic, They'd often touch me back in a certain way. They I'd feel the touch of them on my arm or my knee, so I knew I was doing that right. Right? And and and other things, you know, obviously come too, but that was something that I think about all the time and that I just, you know, just happened a few weeks ago when I went on a date with a girl, took her to Topgolf, and, you know, She she hit it she never golfed before and, you know, she hit the ball out of the park, and I gave her a high five, and then I went up. I totally blew it, and then the next shot, I had a great shot, she did

 

John:

 

it's back.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So, that's something that I find just incredible. That's something I never thought would have an impact, on a date up until up until I learned that.

 

John:

 

Golf dates are great, by the way. I used to play a lot of golf and Mini golf, the driving range. Have you had mini golf dates?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. I went on a mini golf date back when I was living in California with a girl from LA, And she was terrible. Right? So it gave me an opportunity, in in in the right way to tease her and and create that You create that intimacy and and rapport, you know, versus just sitting down at a bar, you know, and you gotta think how many guys are taking women out to a bar, You know, when you come up with a fun idea like mini golf, like bowling, like golf, like going to golf the driving range, I always try to do something that I enjoy as well. Nice. Because when I'm in an environment that I feel good at, comfortable at, or that I really like, I seem to do a better job. I seem to have more success. And also, you know, if it's a date, for example, going back to the driving range, I love to golf. If she's if she's receptive and, you know, maybe she hasn't golfed before, but Is having fun with it and she's trying? Let's say, you know, we're 6 months down the road, I know that maybe one day I could bring her out with me on the course, you know.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So I think picking hop picking date locations for hobbies that you like, other than bars sometimes are great ideas, and I certainly implemented those, throughout my life since we started.

 

John:

 

Right. And there's some nice bonuses to a golf date. There's something old school, sexy, manly about teaching. Not mansplaining, I should clarify, but teaching a woman something. Say, hey. Let's go, let's hit the range. You've never played golf before? Let me show you how to swing the club. There's something nice about bringing her into your world that women like.

 

John:

 

Yes. And that feels good to us. I went on many golf range dates back in the day and a few bowling dates. As a white guy from Ohio, I was legally Legally required to bowl growing up. Cheese fries were served every day at school as part of the bowling lunch. No. So I I went on many Bowling dates. And then also, I don't know if this is your sense of humor or not, John, but every other word in golf is dirty.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yes.

 

John:

 

Right? Shaft, balls, grip it harder. It's just like it's impossible not to say Sexually ambiguous things when you're on a golf date, and it can make some fun sparks happen.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. And I remember just adding those you know, even though sometimes we say it to our guy friends, like, that's what she said or, You know, I I remember implementing that at the at the driving range, you know, when, you know, for example, the shaft, you know, and I'd make some funny joke, and again, you know, you're you're trying to make you're trying to be yourself, you're trying to you're trying to make them feel comfortable while also having a good time, And going back to what you said, I think when you're physically teaching them something like golf, you can come up behind them appropriately and show them how to hit the club, and that that again, that's driving more Intimacy, that's not that's not creepy. That doesn't feel natural. And it certainly has helped me.

 

John:

 

And the great thing about a bowling date is you can't help but look at her butt. Yeah. And she looks at yours. Not that I have one. Neither do I. There's an No. You're in the no butt club?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

I'm a buttless guy. Yeah. I haven't been doing enough squats, Connell.

 

John:

 

There's an Amber alert out from my butt. Hopefully, someday it'll be found. Awesome. Let's switch topics to Let's talk about something you said earlier to me today. You said that back in the day you struggled with confidence and just feeling that certain women were out of your league. Talk about, if you would, the change you've seen. How did you feel before? How do you feel now about being in the league of Beautiful, awesome women?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. You know, the biggest thing that comes to mind is, unfortunately, I lost my hair. You know, my dad passed that down to me. So When you and I first met, I I I finally came to grips with shaving my head and being bald and being and being confident in it. There are women out there. There's way more women than I thought that love bald men. Right? And and and and it certainly comes down to, You know, the way that you dress to the way your grooms, other things that obviously impact it. But I remember when we first met and I was going through the modules and training and our q and a's together, that was that was that was a shift I had to do in my head to say, hey.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know what? There's guys like The Rock out there. There's guys like Jason Statham. There's so many guys out there from a celebrity standpoint, professional professional players that are with, you know, beautiful women. So that was certainly something I had to get out of my head, and then once I changed that frame of thinking, like I said, it was crazy. As I started implementing all these things, these tools and Tips and, you know, suggestions. It's crazy how much I saw the return. You know, when we partnered together, I was questioning the outcome I was gonna get, and I remember implementing certain things. I didn't try to implement too many things at 1: 1 in one date, but going back to confidence, I was definitely insecure about being bald, Because I know there's guys out there that have amazing hair like yourself.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Right? Who I thought women only wanna date guys with hair, that was a complete internal lie in my head that I had to let go and and move on, and I certainly, they brought it up on dates. They said, well, you know, why do you shave your head? You know, you still have some hair. I said, you know what? I just own it, and I don't try to hide it. There's a lot of guys out there that are You know, they've got some hair back here, and they're just rocking that, just trying to hold on for dear life. I've had so many women say, oh my gosh. I can't believe, like, You're so confident about it, like, you know, you're you look you look great. And there's other things you can do, like, by growing a nice face. Like, I just shaved recently, but Having a nice beard offset at your fashion of what you're wearing, you know, if you work out and, you know, or you're looking to to increase the level of fitness, you know, being being in more muscular state, There's so many things you can do to offset that, but all it all really comes down to mindset.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

And so when I finally switched that mindset to, hey, you know You know what? There's plenty of guys out there just like me who lost their hair and have great success with women with, you know, beautiful women too. It's not I was also Thinking at that time, well, okay, if I'm bald, I can't date those pretty women on a Hinge or Bumble, or I can't date women at a bar because I'm bald. Right. So that was something that stood out to me, and as and as we worked on my confidence together, I was shocked. I was shocked at At at the not only the number of women I was getting matches with, but the responses I was getting in person, you know, when they touch my head or something and Make a comment, like, I was in my head the whole time before we had met, you know, just shooting myself in the head going, I can't do it. I don't I'm I'm not I'm I'm not I'm bald and I'm not I can't date beautiful women because I'm bald. And I was playing an internal, you know, lie to myself. So

 

John:

 

Right? That's so important. You just said the most important thing maybe in everything that I coach, which is to We need to be uncut as men who are struggling with dating, we need to uncover the biggest belief we have about ourselves that's holding us back and then transform that and flip that. And for you, it sounds like it was perhaps something like, oh, women don't wanna date a bald or a balding man.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Right? Or at

 

John:

 

least not quality women. And it's that very self doubt that keeps a guy from approaching or going on dates or taking some kind of risk. And it's sort of a self fulfilling prophecy where, oh, if I feel like I'm not good enough, too bald, in my case, it was too nerdy. I'm not muscular. I'm kind of a nerd. I like musical theater. I'm not super masculine, or at least not in a classical way. And I got the dating results that That mindset told me I deserved.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So first,

 

John:

 

we got to flip that confidence. At least begin to flip it. Going back. So going back to that exercise, I should have mentioned this earlier. So what you can do listening to this right now is take out a piece of paper or wherever you write things down and write down a minimum of 10 specific things that you can point to that make you a really good catch for any woman. Don't don't overthink it. In fact, John, you probably don't have your list memorized, but what are 3 or 4 things from your Awesome list? In other words, reasons why you're an awesome choice for women.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. You know, it's funny you say that you mentioned the list. I still have that notepad file on my phone. And so sometimes when I'm going on a date with a woman that I you know you know, in my head, she's out of my league, she's out of my league, out of my league, I read through that I read through that Document that notepad on my phone right before I walk into the bar, walk into the driving range, wherever I'm going, I'm I'm reading through those. I'm reading them out loud too. And it's amazing to shift. When I get out when I open my car door, I'm a completely different man as I was when I was driving on the way to this date. And some of the things that stood out to me, I was blessed with good genetics, and I and I worked out.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So, you know, I I I I always tell myself, hey. I'm in good shape. I'm a muscular guy. I might not be as, you know, as smart and as smart as you, but, you know, I I I know that I'm I know that I'm In shape. I know that I have a great career.

 

John:

 

You got muscles in places where I don't have places.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So, you know, playing to my I was so I try to play to my strengths and think about those things and, you know, being muscular is 1. Women love big arms, but some women don't. Yeah. But if I remember going, and I still to this day, when I go on a date, I'll just read through that same exact notepad that I created with you when we first started. Others, you know, others include my career. I I mentioned that, you know, earlier that I was in sales. I've been the number 1 rep in my country At a company like ADP with 6 60,000 employees or Paychex with 40,000 employees. So being able to know that I was A good salesperson and having stories to tell without bragging about myself.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know, if they ask me where I've traveled to,

 

John:

 

I said, you know, I went

 

Connell Barrett:

 

to Italy on a trip that was paid for by my work because I was the number one rep at the company and showed them a picture of, you know, signed Blake Shelton guitar because Blake Shelton came to one of these trips and Performed in front of our company, you know, itself, no one else. So I think about my career. I think about the shape that I'm in physically. Yeah. I think about my eyes. I I I remember I I I was blessed with green eyes, sometimes they're blue. You know, women told me they change color, that might be true, it might not be, but I write down that I have nice eyes. I write down that I've got a lot of friends, you know, that I've I've if I if someone was to ask, you No.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

One of my friends , what's John like? They say he's a loyal friend. Gosh. There's there's there's there's there's quite a bit.

 

John:

 

Those are all fantastic. I love those. They're all specific to you. So here's what your here's what the awesome here's what your awesome list looks like. I do this with every client and I'd love you to listen to me do this today. Doing it right now is to write down 10 specific things that make you feel good about yourself that you bring to the dating table. I don't care how small it is, even if it's tiny and specific. I make a mean French toast.

 

John:

 

I have a regular job or I don't have a job, but I have a plan to get one. Maybe you're short, maybe you're not a model, but you're in good physical shape. Yeah. The bottom line is here's and here's why this is so important. In any given moment, our confidence or lack thereof is going to come from what we focus on and how we interpret that focus. So think about it. You used to interpret your hairline as I am not enough, and you felt that way. And you got the results of a guy who felt that way.

 

John:

 

You changed your interpretation. You said women love cool shaved head men. I'm Jason Statham. I'm my version of Jason Statham. I'm Kojak. That's a really old reference because I'm 97 years old. But you transformed what that meant to you. That transforms your confidence.

 

John:

 

And guess what every woman on the planet is attracted to in a man? Confidence. Every woman's got a different blueprint. Some like skinny gingers, Some, like, ripped shaved head dudes, but every woman likes confidence. So, anyway, do this awesome list at home Because I promise as much as I can promise you anything, I can promise you that you're gonna have a 25 to 50% Instant improvement in your confidence just by looking at this list and saying, woah, maybe I am enough. Maybe I'm not too nerdy, too short, too ugly, too fat, whatever. Maybe I have a lot to bring to the table. Okay. End of sermon.

 

John:

 

Yeah. I go off on a tangent.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. No. I agree with you, Connell. And I think, like, when I was writing down those things, small Small things that I at first, before I wrote it down, didn't think it was a big, you know, big deal or or something that was cool about me. But writing it down, just simply that exercise, I remember, like you said, 50% better. I I felt 80% better, to be honest with you. That was that instant when I did that, And to this day, I'm still looking at that list whenever I'm getting self doubt or, you know, feeling insecure or I'm not confident. I rip, I rip , I rip that thing back out and read it right before the date to this day, and then we've been working together for over a year or so.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So, it's a great best practice. Highly recommended to any of your listeners.

 

John:

 

Awesome. Do me a favor. Tell me one more quick anecdote, a quick story about another moment that stands out in your dating, in your dating highlight reel. Keep it, you know, be a gentleman, keep it PG. But, you know, cause I remember when I was working on my dating life 15 plus years ago, I remember Couple of things. I remember the 1st time a woman ever, we were on a date. I had really gotten good at flirting and teasing, The teasing with that flirtatious vibe as opposed to just cracking jokes. And I just remember this woman was loving it, and she said, hey, why don't we go back to your place? I've never had a girl say that to me in my life.

 

John:

 

And I also remember a different night, sorry, a different week where I had 3 dates In 3 successive nights, and I had made out with every girl toward the end of the date. And I walked home, like, Like floated home thinking, Oh my gosh, all these women are kind of into me now. I didn't know I could do this. So anyway, those are 2 examples from my dating history. What other moments jump out and make you think, oh, man, that was a good date or went great with her?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. You know, I think it goes back to, when When I was still in California, I remember going on a date with that girl from the mini golf course. And I remember, you know, like I said, she was not a great, not a great, you know, mini golf player by all means, but, you know, we we we had we had such a great time, so many laughs, so many Opportunities to to to to flirt and tease, and I remember it had gone so well that, you know, I was walking into her car, I was holding her hand, another great another great tip that, you know, I learned from you. If the timing's right, don't force it, but if you're feeling Like you could, make that leap of faith, grab her hand, walk her to her car. And I'm gonna walk into her car, and this was early on when we first started working together, so I wasn't a 100% confident to To to kiss her or to or to put or to make to make that next move, but I remember she grabbed me. She grabbed me by the back of the neck And and pulled me in and said, give me a big one. So, you know, I made out with her, and I can't tell you, Gosh. I can't remember the last time I had done that on a first date.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know, I was always, you know, taught or always thought that's, you know, that's overkill or that's too much.

 

John:

 

Yeah.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

It's really based on the scenario, but because of how I ran that date, so to speak, because of all the things that we did throughout the day, I think it really brought our guard down. And I was, you know, we had a great kiss, and I think the next day, she invited me over to her house, and Let's just say it was a good time after that.

 

John:

 

You played Jenga,

 

Connell Barrett:

 

so it's not. Exactly. Exactly.

 

John:

 

That's fantastic. I remember I can't wait for you at home to have this moment, I remember the 1st night I ever had a woman who just wanted to hook up with me just to hook up. I've never been a 1 night stand guy ever. I've always wanted to keep dating a woman if we vibed. I remember 1 night early on when I'd really gotten good at this authentic, Flirty approach to dating that I teach. Spent the night at a cool, quirky woman's apartment in New York City, And we had a great night. I remember here's how I remember something she said. We were lying on her bed at one point and she Had her head on my chest and she took a deep breath and she said, you smell like an Irish boxer.

 

John:

 

I don't even know what that means. That's her type. Okay? I'm happy that I was her type. But anyway, we had a fun night, and I was excited about meeting her. And I texted her the next day to say, hey. Super psyched to see you again. When are you free? And she sent me a text that said, Connell, It was great meeting you last night. I had so much fun.

 

John:

 

I wish you the best of everything.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah.

 

John:

 

And I'm standing on a street corner and I'm thinking I'm looking at my phone. I'm like, Oh my god. She's she's she just wanted to use me for my body. This is amazing. I'm looking around for somebody to high five Because I never I never had a woman who just wanted to have me as her boy toy. I was open to more, but I'm not saying that's the secret to happiness, but for a guy who felt so rejected by women for so much of my life, Insignificant, unattractive, at least to certain kinds of women. That was just a really cool moment. So I'm not saying you have to have the man meet Uh-huh.

 

John:

 

Moment. But, I'm sure women look at your muscles and tattoos and say, oh, yeah. Let's have some fun.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Definitely. If you know, you know, going through the program, you know, going through the training, you know, let's just say the number of women that I was, You know, hooking up with, you know, before and after. You know, I I I was I will have to say I wasn't getting lucky, not just on a 1 night stand, but just they were these They weren't really going anywhere. They kinda saw me as a friend, and I've been put in the friend zone before, and I think we've talked about that in the past. And so and implementing a lot of these things, and a lot of these things are so small, but they have such a huge impact, at least for me. And there's so many examples I can think of, but I I tell you, you know, after I first started from from when I Started, you know, a year and a half, 2 years ago till till now, it it's it's it's it's amazing how much how much I've improved, you know, and I and I'm proud of that. And and and I wouldn't be able to do it without you. And I tell and I tell guys that, you know, are struggling out there, some of the things that you share with me, and they'll say, wow.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know what? I tried that last night or I sent that text or I changed my I changed the way I asked about this. It was astonishing.

 

John:

 

Let's end with 2 final topics, John, then I'll let you go.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Sure.

 

John:

 

Let's talk about flirting. Whether it's flirting over text, Flirting on a date other than the physical touch and your physical expression, which is clearly part of how you like to flirt with women, which is great. What's another flirting tip you can share with our listener?

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You know, I like, I like to tease, you know, and every every guy has a different way of flirting, but and and every guy should go about it The way that they can play their strengths. And for me, I was always able to make people laugh. I like to think I'm a funny guy when I wanna be and when I try to, But, you know, I try to get them I try to bring their guard down by trying to make them laugh. Not being someone I'm not, I still try to remain as authentic as possible, but tease them about something. You know, we talked about, we talked about the woman that couldn't golf, and I remember, You know, saying wow. And I made some comments like my grandma could do better than you or just something some other way out there. And she's like, oh my gosh. I can't you know, that's It's so mean, but, you know, she was totally into it, it was totally appropriate.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

But I think teasing for me, and also having a kind of a future state of mind, like saying, you know, gosh, what was another one? You know, I can't believe you're you're you're looking at me like this. You're looking at me like a piece of dessert. You know, there's little, like, little things, and, yeah, every date scenario is It's different, and, you have to you have to be mindful of how it's going, who your audience is, and but, you know, try to be yourself and try to make them laugh if you're not a funny guy. You know what? I'm sure a lot of guys out there can be witty. Right? And so, you know, creating that type of banter back and forth, that witty banter There's also another thing that I I I did and I still do to this day that really makes really makes a difference.

 

John:

 

Yeah. Here's the right way to tease A girl. The right way to tease a woman is to find something about her behavior that she wouldn't take personally And joke about her, as you just said, her bad golf swing. Oh my god. I can't, I can't date you. Anybody who swings like that? Come on. Or or, you know, comparing her to your grandma. The mistake that guys should not make is don't tease her about something that she could actually Take offense to, like, her weight or size, her dog.

 

John:

 

So keep this teasing at a very surface level. It turns you into that Kid at school who's pulling on her pigtails or the cute girl in school is like, oh, I don't like it, but she kinda likes it because it's you showing that you like her. So that's a great example that you gave. Okay. Final final question for you, bro. Let's talk about you've you've mentioned a few times being authentic. Talk about how you let your authentic self come out and what that has meant to your dating life. In your own words, fire away.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. You know, I I think I think a lot of people, Get the wrong advice, and they go into they go into a date, from advice from, you know, maybe a friend that, you know, Has had success in dating, doesn't mean whatever he says or she says is is going to work. And and trying to be someone you're not Just to just to make a date go well isn't isn't gonna isn't gonna isn't gonna be relevant to her. It's not it's not gonna connect with her. And so, you know, it started off by me just owning the fact of owning who I am, and not trying to change who I am for a particular woman. You know, there's it. It really depends on the scenario, the woman, the place you're going to, but, you know, a great example I can give is I remember I went to, when I would date with a girl at a bar, a speakeasy, actually. It's one of my favorite things to do. I think it's a great date idea.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

It's very intimate, Very quiet. It's a lot easier to make conversation and really make it more make it feel like a date. And so I remember going in there and there was music playing, live music playing, and I remember there was a guy, you know, dancing with another woman, and I was thinking, oh, well, you know what? If I can't be that guy, if I can't go out and dance with that guy, like, she's not gonna like me. She isn't gonna go anywhere. But what I did is rather than do that, I think somewhere else in the room, they had, like, a dart board random dart board somewhere. And I I I love playing darts. I'm not a pool guy. I'm terrible at playing pool, but this place happened to have a dart room, and I was like, hey.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

You may wanna go play and choose some darts? And I was doing, you know, I was doing a show again, another area where you could show a woman how to do something that you're good at, even if you're not good at it. Just going and and and having fun and making it made it fun for her and showing that and again, showing her how to do it and then playing a game Rather than trying to be that guy on the dance floor, and you can certainly do that. And there's times when I've, that I've made that leap of faith and and and have gone and danced somewhere, And my authentic self is more about having a good time, rather than thinking about, am I am I am a famous professional dancer Or my John, you know. And so I think, you know, we're keeping that in mind throughout the dating process, whether it's the 1st date, The 3rd or, you know, even going into, you know, a relationship, you have to be yourself. You don't say things, don't do things that you're not comfortable with. Don't do Don't say or do things because someone else told you to do it, do it because it's who you are, and and and and and do it because of your character. You know, most I'm sure a lot of the guys that are listening are deep down good people, and so taking advice from somebody else who's had a lot of success in dating doesn't mean that's gonna work for you, But there's certain guide there's certain principles and best practices that you you've taught me, Colin. Colin, I'm sorry.

 

John:

 

No. Colin, I just changed my name to Colin right now.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

My my coffee's wearing off from today, so bear

 

John:

 

with me.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. But, you know, if you have to be yourself. And that's and that's that's that's a vague thing to say, but it really It really plays out in a lot of different situations, and that that speakeasy was a great great example. Because I was starting to get in my head, I was starting to think, well, you know, I should go burn on the dance floor and Attempt to do something just to make her happy, or just to to to look like that guy in the dance floor, but I kinda, you know, audibled And so, wow, you know, there's there's a there's a there's a dark border around the corner. Why don't I? Why don't we grab the drinks and go play darts? And I remember we played a game and, you know, another area to tease, make Fun, ask questions, implement, touch. Just a great example of that Yeah. That I do on a consistent basis.

 

John:

 

Yeah. You're great at the activity dates.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah.

 

John:

 

Ax throwing, darts, bowling, golf. These are great things to do in those first 1 to 3 dates

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Because it gives you Yeah. Go ahead. Number one thing, Conolly, you taught me was there's a hinge prompt that allows you to Suggest a date idea besides drinks. And I remember when not only when I made that change because of what you told me, I started noticing women were in the same frame of mind. They don't wanna go out on another date with a guy just to grab drinks. They wanna go do something fun. So I would see the exact same prompts On their profile, I hit like and make a comment, and I was like, wow. Okay.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

So it's not just me out there that wants to do an activity date. You don't have to do an activity date. I just knew that there's for me, I like doing activity dates. I know that deep down that's who I am. I played almost every sport under the sun, and I like to think I'm athletic and pick things up pretty fast. So that was something that I did early on and that I still do to this day. You know? And I thought that's a great

 

John:

 

That's a great prompt on Hinge, which is that instead of drinks, let's multiple choice poll. So the way to frame the phrase is Instead of drinks, let's and then 3 choices. You want to make the first 2 choices genuine, fun, non drinking dates. And It works to make the 3rd one a funny punchline. So right now, you could write, instead of drinks, let's play pool, b, see a comedy show. C, taser Elon Musk. Or or or whatever would be a fun punch line. See could be a double date with Taylor and Travis.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Yeah. That's fine.

 

John:

 

What you're doing is giving women a chance to not only hear The activity dates, which lots of women would love to see a comedy show or play pool, they might laugh at the third one, the punch line, and you got basically 3 chances for a match in 1 prompt. So that's the single best prompt unhinged that I can that I endorse.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

100%. I think when we first met, there was Kanye there was the whole Kanye thing. Yeah. I forget which one was amazing. Yeah. But we did the Kanye one, and I can't tell you how many women, you know, like that one and the conversation went from there. So I highly recommend it.

 

John, you've come so far, And, now you're enjoying a lot of different women having lots of different experiences. I can't wait until you find one. She's not Far off, but enjoys the journey of confidence and abundance and authenticity. And, thank you so much for coming on, man. I appreciate it.

 

John:

 

Of course. Anytime, Connor. My pleasure.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

Hey, if you would like to be like John and date beautiful women and have lots of awesome breakthroughs and potentially work with me. Here's what you can do. You can go to my website, dating transformation.com, and we can do a free assessment call. No pressure just to see if we might be a good fit to work together. So just go to datingtransformation.com and click the book a call button if that interests you. And if it doesn't, that's cool too. Keep listening to the pod and I'll give you all my best tips every single week. Okay.

 

Connell Barrett:

 

That's the end of the episode. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, your dream girlfriend, she's already out there and she's already super into you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. See you next time. Peace

 

 

Produced by Heartcast Media.

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Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

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