Jack:
Your cake metaphor, by the way. It's easy for me to understand that. Trademarked, pending. Gotcha. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Maybe this podcast is sponsored by Duncan Hines. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch. If Hitch was a skinny, nerdy ginger who looked like the lead singer from Weezer. Thank you for being with me. I'm here to help you get a great girlfriend and do it by being authentic and flirting with confidence and do it from a place of integrity and heart and not having to use a bunch of sketchy, toxic nonsense of pickup artist moves and being a fake alpha male and all that b s that's out there. So I'm glad you're with me.

Connell Barrett:
I know you have 8,000,000 podcast options and you are spending time with me today. This is a coaching episode. You're gonna meet Jack, and Jack is struggling with a problem. You might know this problem. Jack is hitting the 3 date wall. He's getting to the 3rd date or less, and women are saying, hey, Jack, you're a great guy. Let's be friends. I'm not feeling it.

Connell Barrett:
I'm not feeling those sparks. And Jack did not know why. And in this episode, I help him understand why. I see the matrix. And I think I was effectively able to diagnose the issues that were kind of hidden and give him a road map that's gonna absolutely take his dating results to the next level so we can get a great girlfriend. And you might be thinking, alright, is it really possible to go from hitting the 3 date wall to having a woman look at you by the end of the 3rd date and saying, I want this guy to be my boyfriend. Can you really get a woman to become your girlfriend by 3 dates? And the answer is yes, or at least to see you as boyfriend material by 3 dates. And then even in some instances, actually have a woman say, I just wanna I only wanna date you.

Connell Barrett:
I know this because it happened to me a couple of times. Here's a quick story. I wanna tell you about Donna, a woman named Donna, my ex-girlfriend, now ex. And Donna I met Donna, our first date was a couple quick glasses of wine at a bar. It was very fun, very flirty, very light. The second date was by the way, I'm giving you what I call the boyfriend experience, the 3 date arc for how we get a woman to see you as boyfriend material and the man she wants in her life by the end of day 3. So date number 1, keep it light and fun and flirty, just like I did with Donna. Date number 2, open up a bit more, Be more vulnerable, more real.

Connell Barrett:
Drop a lot of the playful, fun, flirty stuff, not all of it, but drop a lot of it, and be a lot more genuine and sincere and authentic and vulnerable because that will help her see even more of the real you. And for date number 3 of the boyfriend experience, it's about bringing her into your world. So for example, I talk about this in today's episode. With Donna, I said to myself, I want her to be my girlfriend. And for our 3rd date, I brought her to my pub trivia team, trivia Newton John. I wanted her to see what it was like to be with me, not just on a date, but hanging out with my friends, doing pub trivia, and nerding out with other improv people. And by the end of that 3rd date, she basically said to me, hey, just so you know, I don't wanna see anybody else. I really like you.

Connell Barrett:
She essentially said, I wanna be your girlfriend. And within a date or 2, it was official. So that is the quick overview of the boyfriend experience, the 3 date arc to help you turn that woman you're really into into your girlfriend by 3 dates or so. So enjoy my conversation with Jack. I hope you love it, and here we go. Hey, Jack. Alright, man. Let's get to it.

Connell Barrett:
Tell me about your dating life. What are you struggling with? How can I help you, man?

Jack:
Hey, Connell. So, I feel I have a hard time starting a relationship. So, basically, when I'm dating a girl early on, it can be pretty easy. I can get a few dates here and there. But when I really start liking a girl, sometimes I feel like I'm pushing her away. I have that issue launching into that actual relationship versus a few dates. And I feel like it's easier for me to go further with women that maybe I don't, you know, I don't feel that really good strong connection with yet. Because it feels easy, less pressure.

Jack:
But when I'm like, oh, God, I do like this girl, I feel like I'm kinda pushing her away. So I guess my first question is, how do I move from that courting stage to, like, a full blown relationship?

Connell Barrett:
Great question. Help me out a little bit. Tell me a story. If you have a good example from your past with a woman, feel free to change her first name for privacy. But if you wanna give a quick anecdote about, oh, yeah. Connell, Jenny and I dated for x y z dates, and then things went cold. Can you give an example of you struggling with this from the past?

Jack:
Yeah. For sure. So fairly recently, there's a girl I went on maybe 3 dates with. I actually saw her, you know, a couple times after that. Like, she invited me to her birthday party and all that. But I felt like early on, it was she was really into me, and I was like maybe I was at the beginning figuring out, you know, how do I feel? Because, I mean, you sometimes have a good first date. Maybe I get in my own head sometimes too. But then you get to your 2nd date, and you're like, oh, yeah.

Jack:
Okay. That was real. That first date was good. The second date's good. The 3rd date's going well. So with this girl, we went on 3 dates. And then after the 3rd date, the way I was reading, her reaction, I thought everything was going well. In my mind, I'm like, okay.

Jack:
I'm really starting to like this girl. I don't how do I take this further? But then it kind of got a little stale where, you know, she maybe didn't start texting as much. She's busy all the time. And I get it, you know, she does have a busy schedule, but when you're busy all the time, then it just you start realizing, maybe you're kinda blowing me off here and there. Right. And, you know,

Connell Barrett:
try not to take her hair a lot this week. Yeah. She must have really clean hair. Yeah.

Jack:
Exactly.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. And has this been a pattern you've seen? Has this happened multiple times with multiple women? 2 or 3 dates in, they just kinda lose that you lose that steam with them.

Jack:
Yeah. Yeah. This isn't the first time. That's why, you know, this is the most recent time. But, yeah, it's after a few dates, and I'm like, oh, man. I started liking her. But then on the other foot, on the other side of the coin, if there's a girl that I'm like, oh, you know, I'm meh. It just seems easier, and I feel like then there's something that I'm doing that's pushing her away that maybe she's, like, reading that, oh, god.

Jack:
This guy is starting to like me. Maybe it's scaring her off. I don't know. I'm making guesses. I just noticed a pattern with my dating that Right. Start

Connell Barrett:
Let me ask you a couple of diagnostic questions. Yeah. Think back to any of these women who let's call it the for lack of a better term, phrase I've used with other clients, is the 3 date friend zone.

Jack:
Okay. It's not

Connell Barrett:
that she doesn't wanna see you after that first date. It's just that 2 or 3 dates in, a woman basically goes quiet, which is her way of saying, I don't see you as a boyfriend at Tarot. That's my interpretation. And I assume you're looking for a girlfriend, I assume? Yeah. Yeah. Good. You're on the right podcast. It's called how to get a girlfriend, so you're in the right place.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. So may I ask you a couple of diagnostic questions? On what date do you typically go for and get the first kiss?

Jack:
So I guess it depends on the date. So, in how I'm reading the girl, but a lot of times, it's either the first or second. Okay. In my case, yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Got it. And give me some examples of what you and this most recent woman did to call her Jane, Jane Doe. What you and Jane did for these 3 dates, if you recall.

Jack:
Yeah. So the first date, we got sushi, kind of a an in like, spot that was kinda close to us, and drove separate. And then we made plans. Oh, we actually got, like, the date was going well, so we went and got a, a coffee after after sushi, and got some desserts and and just talked all that. And then, drove back to her car. And then we made plans to do a second date in the car, And then, but we were texting and saying, like, oh, maybe we can, meet a day before because she was starting to get busy with her with her work. So we just kinda did a preemptive because she doesn't she didn't live that far away. So we kinda did an improv, hung out, went to a coffee shop, and got margaritas.

Jack:
We're in the downtown area. Just kinda hung out. And then we didn't get to do the 3rd date because she got busy. And then we did another actual 3rd date where I took her to, like, a cider mill, and had some drinks. Okay. Yeah. All that.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. So you're doing some things well already. So first, we just wanna eliminate potential problems that can cause that 3rd date friend zone. Yeah. One is that you're not even making any moves, you're not trying to go for a kiss, you're not giving her fun different dates, which you are, which is good. Okay. So we can cross out the list.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. It's good. It's good. Sometimes it's good to eliminate things that aren't the issue. And it sounds like another thing, here's a good truism. Women wanna feel like things are progressing emotionally, sexually, at whatever speed she wants, but some kind of progress. Women want the feeling of progress in terms of 2 people connecting and seeing who they are, and that's also emotional, sexual, romantic, all the different ways you can, quote, unquote, escalate and lead that dating dance. Can you tell me a little bit about how you feel? Do you feel like women are feeling that sense of forward progress or at least that you're trying to get them that forward progress, or do you feel like you might be getting stuck in some areas?

Jack:
I think a little bit of both. I think there's definitely some things I can improve on that I'm probably getting stuck at that maybe I don't realize, but I see where you're coming from. I never thought about it that way where you're kind of moving forward, but I think I kinda naturally try to do that. Okay. Because you don't wanna I don't know. For lack of a better way to phrase it, I'm not trying to go backwards. Right? Good. So, I mean, in this case, I don't. We don't have to get fixated on this one specific girl.

Jack:
But, it did seem like we did start off really heavy on the first date, and then, the second date was kind of casual, kind of because it was an improv date. You know, we didn't really plan too much, which was fine. But I thought by the 3rd date, it was kind of like I was trying to show, like, progressing, like, you know, maybe holding hands while we're listening to the music at this place, this outdoor mill, and there's live music going on. So I guess I don't know where I would need to go. I guess I don't know, in this case, what I didn't do.

Connell Barrett:
No. I agree. I'm not hearing that you're I've had guys say, oh, Connell, she ditched me after 3 dates. And I said, oh, well, when did you kiss her? He's like, well, I hadn't kissed her yet. So we went to 3 straight bar dates, 3 dates in a row, and basically it felt the same. Women like that sense

Jack:
of

Connell Barrett:
variety and forward progress. But I'm not hearing that here. But I feel like you just went about something. What'd you say? What were you gonna say?

Jack:
No. I agree. So so when you go on 3 dates with a girl and you haven't, you know, you feel like you haven't progressed, you haven't even kissed her yet, then I in my in my shoes, I would think maybe she's not interested, and I'd maybe feel like I was in the friend zone. But each time, like, we I mean, I did kiss her the 1st date this time, 2nd date, and 3rd date. But okay.

Connell Barrett:
You

Jack:
know, but opposite this situation. Yeah. Go for it.

Connell Barrett:
You don't need to play kiss and tell, although you can. It's an adult podcast. Did it get hotter and heavier as you went along, or was it kind of, like, the same kinda kissing level of intensity all three times?

Jack:
Gotcha. No. That's a good question. I don't mind. I wanna share it. This time, with this particular girl, it was kind of the opposite of, where the first time, I was a little more conservative, and she kissed a lot. Like, she got really into it. We were, you know, in the car.

Jack:
We kissed him for a while. But then the 2 times after that, I mean, we kissed, and it wasn't as in my mind, I'm kinda like, why didn't we do that? But, you know, I don't, I don't know. So I don't know if maybe she lost interest somewhere down the line. I don't know. I can't read people's minds. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out what I can do. Because, again, this is the most recent time, but it's a pattern that I noticed. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Gotcha. And one final diagnostic question here.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
That's the sexual piece of it. What about emotionally? Yeah. In terms of 2 people talking and becoming increasingly vulnerable, increasingly emotional, I don't mean, like, crying and weeping about the day your cat died when you were 9, although sorry for your loss. I mean, here's the perfect arc of 3 dates.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
I'm not perfect, but here's a great ideal arc. Date number 1, it's really fun, playful, and a lot of flirty, great stimulation, and nice brushstrokes of vulnerability, and, of course, authenticity, showing her that real you, that real Jack, But at the same time, it's a lot of it's a lot of if if, if we're talking about a cake, it's a lot of frosting. K? It tastes really good. And the second date, we give her more cake, really start to open up, become more vulnerable, give her what I start to give her what I give her what I call the boyfriend experience. Boyfriend experience is to paint pictures and give women sort of snapshots of what life would be like as your partner because that's what you want with her potentially. Right? And the 3rd date is essentially if the 2 of you have relatively the same life goals and are relatively each other's type, Then by the 3rd date, we want the 2 of you to feel like, oh, wow. We have a lot in common emotionally. I get who he is, and he gets who I am, but we also have that nice romantic sexy vibe, and you basically get the frosting and the cake.

Connell Barrett:
Sometimes when a girl goes quiet after 3 dates, she doesn't get enough frosting, meaning not enough fun, flirtiness, those emotions she wants to feel, or she doesn't get enough cake. It was fun and flirty and a good time, but she doesn't see the real you, and she can't see a vision of you with her. So through my just made up in my head cake metaphor, what do you feel like, these women are, tasting on these dates?

Jack:
Oh, good question, Bec. And I like your cake metaphor, by the way. It is easy for me to understand that.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Trademark. Trending.

Jack:
Gotcha. Yeah. Maybe

Connell Barrett:
This podcast is sponsored by Duncan Hines. No. It's not. Should be, though. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Jack:
No. No. You're good. So I guess that that's something I guess I haven't. I haven't thought about it that way, which I'm glad we're having this conversation because I'm putting a whole another perspective on this now. If I look back in this recent case, I guess I guess maybe I didn't give enough cake, I guess. Maybe I didn't open up, because maybe sometimes I get a little bit scared if I do start liking a girl. Like, oh, no. Maybe I'm gonna scare her off if I get to a certain level.

Jack:
But I guess I have to come up with the realization that if it's really gonna scare her off by getting a little revealing a little bit more about myself than probably would've worked out in the long run.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. So feel like it was too much frosting, not enough cake?

Jack:
I guess so. Yeah. If I'm thinking back, yeah. Okay. Maybe. Maybe.

Connell Barrett:
Here's a

Jack:
let me

Connell Barrett:
give you some real world examples from my dating past of what this might look like. Date 1, just have a shit ton of fun. Giggle and laugh and flirt and tease and all the things that I teach and all the things that we can do. And I'm not saying it's all frosting, but we just want it to be a blast for both of you Yeah. So that we hook each other's kind of emotions we strum each other's emotional cords. And then for the second date, you wanna open up a bit more, and you wanna be a bit more vulnerable if you weren't on the first date. So it's on that second date where you might start to share a bit more about your past. You might tell a story, a vulnerable, authentic story about something meaningful from your past and really open up, Like, on a sec I remember on my second date with my then future girlfriend, Jessica, I talked about being a fat little boy and getting picked on having a big ginger red Afro and getting teased, and I told some stories where I really I really opened up.

Connell Barrett:
And that's more like a second date sort of, like, a vulnerable conversation. At the same time on the second date, here's something kinda really practical I wanna give you to do. Start painting pictures for things that you and she can do in the future or that you might do in the future. Talk about weekend getaways. No, I'm not asking her for one. That would be a little too soon, but I'm saying, oh, man. If you and I could go anywhere for a getaway weekend, where would that be? You can kind of paint a picture of what life with you would be like. Here's a great way to do it.

Connell Barrett:
On my second date with her let me switch to a different girlfriend. 2nd date with my then future girlfriend, Donna, I wanted to do what I call my boyfriend experience. The boyfriend no. I'm not a male prostitute. That's not what that is. The boyfriend experience is shifting from frosting to cake, shifting from teasing, flirty, stimulation, which feels great, but it's a sugar rush. It's not really nutritional. Shifting to something more boyfriend experience.

Connell Barrett:
And on my 2nd date with Donna, she and I, I said I said I wanna bring her into my world. And so it just so happened that the team I was doing pub trivia with at that point, we were having pub trivia night. So I invited her into my social circle, and I wanted her to meet my friends, and I wanted her to sit with my trivia team. Trivia Newton John is our name. Mhmm. And I just wanted her to meet my nerdy friends, my improv friends, and my trivia friends, and I wanted her to see what life would be like with me. And that's something you can play around with is introduce her on a second or potentially a third date to yours to your friends or to a social setting and kinda really give her a glimpse of what it might be like to be your girlfriend. Another date idea that you could do to help give that boyfriend experience is for date 2 or 3, instead of another drinks date or another kinda typical first date, do something more boyfriend do more boyfriend girlfriend stuff together.

Connell Barrett:
Take a yoga class with her, or tell her, hey. I need to go grocery shopping. Do you wanna come with me? Maybe we can make dinner afterwards. That's a boyfriend girlfriend thing to do, and that's kind of you're giving her a snapshot of what it would be like to be with you. And that way, you're also breaking the pattern of what she's used to getting from guys, which is, okay, drinks and then a putt putt and then a hike. I'm like, no. Do something more to bring her into your world. Bringing her into your world is a great way to get a woman to see, oh, wow.

Connell Barrett:
This is what it might be like to be Jack's girlfriend, and if she likes it, she'll be in. And if she doesn't or if you're just not each other's type, that's okay. It's not everybody, but then you're not getting in the friend zone so much as you're finding out she's telling you or maybe you're telling her, oh, wait. We don't really fit as a couple, but at least you're gonna know that quickly, and you can both move on.

Jack:
Yeah. That's a good

Connell Barrett:
way to comment about any of that.

Jack:
No. That's a good way to put it because I guess it's like, if you want it if you have a good first date and you're thinking of the second date, you wanna just keep it if it was good, you wanna keep that going. Right? You wanna get that mentality going. So now in my mind, I'm thinking I'm shifting it a little bit because you're right. Why waste the time? Why do the frosting treatment, right, if it's not gonna come to be anything? So Right. I see what you're saying. That makes sense to me, how you put that. So I appreciate the cake analogy, I guess, once again.

Jack:
But, I don't know.

Connell Barrett:
I don't know.

Jack:
Right. Right. No. So you need some sort of substance, and that makes sense. And maybe in the case of this girl, if she wasn't getting cake or any pieces that I was giving her, maybe it was an indication that maybe she wasn't interested. Although Yeah. I mean, I can't ask this, but it's just frustrating. Like, I wish that I just got them, hey.

Jack:
I'm not interested. Thank you. But that's just not how it works all the time with people.

Connell Barrett:
You mean it's you who wishes that she'd be more direct instead of what she does?

Jack:
I mean I mean, it's kinda lingered. Like, I don't know. I still messaged her here and there, but now, yeah, she's on vacation seeing family for a month, so she's out of the area. So Oh. Yeah. But I don't think there's really anything there because I've tried to reach out a couple times, and I'm not trying to look desperate or needy or anything like that. So I don't really.

Connell Barrett:
And my rule about that is with any woman you're into

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
Assert your ideal outcome until you and she get it in a win-win way and then everybody's happy or until you get clear evidence that it will not happen. Defining clear evidence, to me, that would be a straight up, hey. I'm not looking to date right now or I'm not interested. Or the polite code for that is, hey. I'm not looking to date, which is code for, I'm not feeling about you the way I wanna feel. And that's clear and I'm not saying that wouldn't sting. I've heard that many times, but at least it's clear. Or in your case, 2 or 3 I would say 3 good swings at the plate of you trying to see her again.

Connell Barrett:
And if you go over 3 and each time she does not suggest a different time or date, then I would also consider that evidence and move on.

Jack:
For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes sense.

Connell Barrett:
I think you're probably doing that, but some guys give up too soon. Not the listener of this podcast, but some guys are like, oh, you know, don't get, don't give up after 1 on return effort. But at the same time, you know, you're not gonna try 5 times because that would be needy. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating.

Connell Barrett:
Hey. I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, dating sucks, but you don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me.

Connell Barrett:
On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. To me, persistence plus charm is the secret sauce here of getting an answer. It's like, oh, hey, Jenny, Janie, whatever. I just thought I'd take one last shot at seeing you again before I head off to Myanmar to become a monk and give up on women. Would you like to go out again? I'd love to see you again. Please circle yes, no, or restraining order.

Connell Barrett:
If you pursue if you can talk to a woman with humor and charm, there's nothing creepy about that. There's nothing needy about that. What's needed is, hey. Did you get my message? Hey. Do you not like me? Do you have an inflatable woman I could date? You know, that would be needy. We don't want that. That's not you, I know. But a high value great man, a business consultant, a successful traveling businessman in his thirties with his life together, good looking, cool overall life, you are a massive value proposition.

Connell Barrett:
So it's never necessary and lame to take a shot at romance as long as you're persistent and also you know when to stop, which would be 2 or 3 swings and then no answer.

Jack:
I see. And, thank you for all the compliments. I didn't even pay you. I'm trying

Connell Barrett:
to give you some perspective, man. You know what I'm saying?

Jack:
I appreciate it. Thank you. I guess I have another kinda follow-up question too. So so I guess one thing I've also noticed as well, you know, as you get older, and as you mentioned so I do travel for work a decent amount, not too much where it's very hard for me to control my personal life, but, I I sometimes get in a situation where, you know, I get busy or she gets busy, and then I seem like I'm I'm hitting it off with a girl and I'm texting her. I feel like I may struggle with that because it's like, man, I feel like I missed out an opportunity just because her timing wasn't there. So I don't know how to kinda keep a good conversation going when you don't really know her quite yet, any girl. So maybe, like, I call it maybe long distance, quite unquote, but it's just really, you know, struggling with that part.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. You're talking about a woman you've maybe had a date with or maybe matched with online? Or what's the context we

Jack:
have with you? So I've written this a couple different times. Right? So I guess, a scenario would be I haven't met her yet, or I went on one date with her. So it's still early. So how do I kinda capture and keep the momentum going when you're not seeing each other? Because I feel like it's hard because now I'm still I'm I'm a block of text versus

Connell Barrett:
Right. Personality. That's all you are, Jack. You're a block of text.

Jack:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
It's all I see you as. I would say let's look at a couple different common contexts. So, like, a new match on Hinge or Bumble or whatever profile, whatever app. But you just aren't gonna be able to see her right away. Well, you gotta strike while the iron is hot as much as you have the power to do so. So try to get her out on a date if possible within 7 days. Any much much longer than 7 days, the iron goes cold. So if that's possible.

Connell Barrett:
If it's not possible, then at least get her off of the app as quickly as possible and get some communication going back and forth and try to make a nice strong imprint. So in other words, instead of just being a block of text, you could send 10 second funny little videos. Think of it almost like social media.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
If you have not met her yet, trying to keep her on her mind, you could send her audio little audio messages or quick little videos as long as you're offering value.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
But by offering value, I just mean you're seeking to make her smile. You're trying to make her day better, her night better, and coming from a place of, hey, I wanna give a great dating experience to you. And if as long as you're doing that, that's not needy.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
What's needy is being the guy who's trying to take all the time or only asking needy questions. So giving value, funny little videos, I've had many long distance or kinda like slower burning starts to a relationship or to that first date. The strategies I used are what I'm talking about, a funny 10 second video, which I live in New York City. There's funny, weird people on the street all the time. There's a I there's, like, a weird kind of street guy in the subway who, like, dances with this skeleton. I mean, fake skeleton. He does it for tips and stuff, so it's like he's not mentally ill. I mean, he's like a street performer, but it's just a weird visual.

Connell Barrett:
So I have, like, a 10 second video I used to send girls. I'm like, hey. Here's how we should dance on our first date. And then the video of this guy dancing with a skeleton. It's just giving her different ways to take you in, like, besides that block of text. So quick little video, quick little audio messages. And a lot of times when you go first, because you're the man, your job is to go first and lead the dating dance, then a woman is like, oh, well, I'll send him videos. I'll send him audios, and you guys start escalating the conversation, and that keeps her interested.

Connell Barrett:
Does it make sense?

Jack:
That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Gave me an idea. Yeah. What's that? So I guess I did start traveling because I'm going to a wedding. So, I mean and I did match with somebody, and I am having this, you know, situation. Right? So we are on Snapchat.

Jack:
So if I just send maybe, like, not the same thing, but we snap here and there, but just a quick video of, you know, something funny or, you know, a quick little little message, here and there. But,

Connell Barrett:
From, like, from the wedding?

Jack:
Oh, I mean, yeah. That too. I mean

Connell Barrett:
Weddings? You know weddings are chick crack.

Jack:
Oh, my god. Yeah. Yeah. What's the best thing to film at a wedding, man? What's the best little clip?

Connell Barrett:
Weddings turn everyone, especially women into human heart eye emojis.

Jack:
They're fun.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. I never used it in dating because I just met my girlfriend, but at my niece's wedding, I have this great video of my niece's grandmother, a little old lady dancing with me, and she grabs my ass. It's hilarious. And so I think I said that to my girlfriend early on, but if I was dating, I could have sent that to girls and be like, oh my god. Check out the old ladies trying to pinch my butt. But, I'm not saying try to get an old woman to pinch your butt, but, like, a 10 second video of you tearing up the dance floor, doing the robot being silly, or, you know, everybody applauds as the bride and groom comes in. I don't know. Just a little moment that just says wedding fun, will help the woman who you're talking to feel almost like she's with you.

Connell Barrett:
And you're also giving her a glimpse into your life, which is part of the boyfriend experience of how to get a girlfriend. So, yeah, exactly. Exactly. So she wants to see that life. I think maybe go back to your first question from this coaching call. Maybe just like giving women a more vivid glimpse into what a fun, awesome, warm, cool life you have. And that's what they want. They want to be a good, authentic, confident gentleman plus one in life.

Connell Barrett:
And so that's just the big picture. Philosophically, that's how you wanna do it, but back to the wedding, yeah, take some fun, get somebody to video you on the dance floor dancing like a total tool, but I mean that in a good way. Or maybe you have great dance moves. I don't.

Jack:
But Oh, I have horrible dance moves, but I mean, you know, if it's entertaining, I'm all for it.

Connell Barrett:
No. Women love to dance. I have a client, Benjamin, who started, like, a 22 person conga line at a bar a couple weeks ago. He was just like, yeah. It was great. It's like, great. Record it next time. Anyway, back to your question about keeping conversation going.

Connell Barrett:
If it's a match, you gotta strike while the iron is hot, but get her off the app. Because as soon as you get her off the app, then you've graduated or try to get her off the app to either a phone number or Instagram or snap or however, whatever is easiest for both of you. Because now you've graduated from her literally dozens or maybe hundreds of likes and matches. Now you're that one guy you're texting with, so that helps.

Jack:
Fair point.

Connell Barrett:
You were also asking about, oh, what about, like, when you've had one date, but there's gonna be a long lag until the second, how to keep that going.

Jack:
Right? Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:
Cool. What's your current strategy? How do you do it if at all?

Jack:
Oh, god. That's why I'm asking you so many questions. So I guess

Connell Barrett:
Well, I guess I wondered if there's a way to know what you've already been doing that might be working or what's not working, and I'll say, oh, don't do that.

Jack:
Fair enough. No. I understand. No. I guess I don't really have, like, a strategy, because I'm like, 2 things I mean, sometimes I just live in my own head too much. Right? And I and I'm overthinking, and I'm, like, oh, am I doing the right thing constantly? Just with just every aspect of, like, work, dating, all that stuff. Okay. So I'm constantly worrying, like, am I being too pushy? Am I texting too much? Am I not doing enough?

Connell Barrett:
That's your definition of being in your head. Right?

Jack:
Yeah. I mean, essentially, overthinking.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Is this the right thing to text? Is this being too pushy? Is it being too needy? Am I sending in too much, not enough? Is that what your definition of audio in your head is?

Jack:
Yeah. I don't want her to scare you away because I'm too interested, but, yeah, I don't wanna seem uninterested.

Connell Barrett:
Great. Let's fix this forever right now. Ready?

Jack:
Perfect.

Connell Barrett:
So simple. Stop asking all those stupid questions, not that you're stupid, but they're stupid questions. I know because I invented some of them, I think, perfected asking dumb questions. Stop asking all those questions and instead ask yourself a very simple question. What can I message her that will make her smile? All you have to ask. What can I give her of value that might make her smile? And if you come up with something and it can be as silly as a funny little video from the wedding or a good question that you know she'll like you to ask because it's something she cares about or a funny dog video, you cannot become come off as try hard or needy or or, yeah, over the top as long as it's relatively 50506040. We want her to help a little bit. Right?

Jack:
Right.

Connell Barrett:
But what's needed is to think about I'll I'll I'll try to boil it down to 4 words. Here's how to text women. Give, give, give, and then every so often, ask. So give, give, give, ask. Give messages that make her smile or might or that hold interest in something she cares about or that may make her giggle, or that are flirtatious, or that are cool fun updates about your life, mister traveler. You're seeing all these cool sites. Every trip you go on, I want you sending your current best dating lead. Hey.

Connell Barrett:
You know, a picture of the prime rib and beautiful sundae you're eating for dinner. It's like, I'll bet my meal. I'll bet my dinner kicks your dinner's butt. You know? That's value because you're giving her a window into your life because you're a high value guy. As long as you're giving value, you're not needy, and you can't send too many of those messages. We want them to be roughly 5050 or at least 6040 ish, but, no woman's ever said, oh, damn it. This guy is just sending me too many funny, awesome, charming messages. What a loser.

Connell Barrett:
It's never happened.

Jack:
That's a great point. No.

Connell Barrett:
Stop being so charming and flirty. God, go away. That does not happen. Yes. She might not be your type. I'm not saying she's gonna be the one, but basically give. It's necessary to ask for only what you want. So, yeah, stop worrying about that and start focusing on, hey, what might make her smile.

Connell Barrett:
Does it make sense? I

Jack:
gotcha. Yeah. That makes sense, Scott. I think I definitely fell into and maybe was self aware, that asking questions sometimes just I don't wanna be interviewing somebody. And when somebody kinda said interviewing, like, a girl that you're trying to date, that sound that's off putting to me. So that was something I always wanted to avoid. And the way that you kind of said give, give, give, ask Mhmm. That flips the script.

Jack:
That's something that actually gives me context, hey. That's a good thing to kind of put in your brain and practice. Just even with everyday people, honestly, too. I've always, I've never been a big texter. But nowadays, texting is everything. Right? You have to communicate with Yeah. Everybody that way.

Connell Barrett:
Let me talk about ways to give value by text. Let's get some practical ways, and hopefully, I gave some already. There's a 10 second dog video that I've sent to 100 women. It's 2 dogs. This is a video I took in my old neighborhood. Mhmm. And it's just 2 dogs in a convertible, little car toy convertible. And, you know, they're cute.

Connell Barrett:
They're 2 little fluffy dogs, and it looks like they're driving a car dog road trip. So I think a 10 second video I took organically out in the world in New York City, and I've sent that to many, many, many women. And I've said, oh my god. Watch out for the crazy drivers. You know? These guys almost ran me off the road. That's valuable because it makes you smile. So anything, yeah. Cute little pet.

Connell Barrett:
Do you have pets?

Jack:
I don't, but I love dogs. Everybody that I know, my friends, brothers, all that, they have dogs. I love them. Okay. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Great. Little photos or little videos or photos from your life of you doing something cool and a little bit high status. Think almost like Instagram vibes of, like, fear of missing out. Like, the amazing view of the rooftop bar where you are on one of your work trips. Ten seconds. You could send that to a woman. That's a given. That's a value text.

Connell Barrett:
Because you're not asking her for anything. You're just trying to give her something that might make her interested or smile or maybe feel jealous, but even that's in a way, that's giving. After you've had a date with a woman, if you know her at least a little bit, then you have more to go on and you can flirt a little bit more. Or, I mean, not that you need to wait till a first date to flirt, but, you know, let's say you've had a good first date, you kissed, and you know, I'm just making this up. I just made this up right now, but you sent her a picture of the sunset at a really cool, I don't know, hotel bar where you're staying on a road trip. And, you know, you might say, I wish you were here. You know? Smile. It can be sincere.

Connell Barrett:
It can be genuine. It can be kinda sweet, lovey dovey. It can be a little sincere or very sincere. Basically, anything that might make her smile or may her or make her laugh, and it's different from person to person. Or maybe you have in jokes

Jack:
Yeah. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
That you actually, those are the best value texts. Texts that you know are personalized for her based on what you know about her. I have a client who just had a first date with a woman. And on their first date, they were talking about chat GPT because he's a huge nerd. And, he they talked a lot about chat GPT, and she was actually interested in the topic. So I had him, like, write up a flirty chat GPT search. It was like, hey, chat GPT. What's the perfect thing to send a really cute girl who smells fantastic and you wanna ask her out for a second date? Can you give me some help? And I had him take a screenshot and send that to her.

Jack:
I see. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
See. So he's flirting with her, calling back on something that they talked about, chatting. Technically, that's an ask, but, actually, you're giving in order to ask at the same time. So, well, let me ask you. What are some ways you might let's pick and pick any you can pick a hypothetical woman or a woman you're interested in right now, but, what are some ways you could text her that would make her smile or give that value?

Jack:
I got you. I mean, so getting to know somebody, and having some sort of, like, inside joke or, I don't know, maybe, like like, put me on the spot. Hold on one sec. No problem. Sometimes I do, like, a little, like, a little tease, like, kind of, like not trying to not like a dig. Just kind of like, just kind of like, you told me some sort of thing, like, I'm trying to think of, like, at a recent time. Oh, that's cool. Oh, good. Let's talk about that. So teasing is a powerful, effective tool that works often, but not with every girl. And it's not like every woman loves it, but some of them do love it. And so it's certainly something to test drive with a given woman just to see how she likes it because that might be her kind of flirting vibe.

Jack:
Okay. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
So it's good to tease or at least it's good to test the waters. So don't be afraid of testing those waters. She doesn't like it, it won't quote work or it might not resonate, but that's not necessarily gonna blow you out with her. It just might not be that's just not her style, her vibe. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that.so, like, one of the girls I was dating, she went to Ireland for a while, and I teased her like, oh, yeah. Totally have, like, an Irish accent.

Jack:
You

Connell Barrett:
know? Nice.

Jack:
Or something like that, you know, along the lines. Something, like, small. But the inside jokes or something that you've talked about, that makes a lot of sense, and I've I've used that. It's definitely harder when it's a profile and you've gone on either just one date, or no dates. That I do struggle with that a little bit.

Connell Barrett:
How do you, how do you, like do you have a good strategy for playfully teasing women?

Jack:
No. I was actually gonna ask that for a question. So Okay. I I guess, I guess because you kinda said something that kinda triggered this question. But I guess I'm having a hard time with, like, flirty text or kinda moving to flirtiness because in the back of my mind, I'm like, oh, maybe that's gonna come across wrong, or maybe it's not, we're not there yet. So maybe I have a hard time jumping in, and I also don't know what to say that would have come across as, like, romantic or flirty. I do struggle with that part.

Connell Barrett:

Connell Barrett:
I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30, and that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30.

Connell Barrett:
So let's, again, protect people's anonymity, But can you think of any women you know or recently knew that could talk a little bit about a date you had or you could have teased her or taken some information about her? Like, let's let's or or we can just do a hypothetical girl. Or you can use a real woman, but we'll just change her name. How about that?

Jack:
Yeah. Okay. Okay. Let's see.

Connell Barrett:
Tell me about a woman. Change her name anyway for privacy. And then but, otherwise, you can kinda just keep it legit about her. What's her job? What are what's her favorite music? Does she have dogs? What are her hobbies? Basically, the art of flirting is finding surface level things to joke about. Surface level things. Like, her favorite band is I don't know. She loves Michael Buble.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
God help her. And you tease her about that, so I can't be with a woman who likes Michael Buble. I'm sorry. If it's not this won't work out, but we can be friends. You know, you can do something like that. So think, like, surface level interests and tastes or think, like, quirky little behaviors that you notice. Like, she's clumsy or she drops. I was on a date once where she dropped this really expensive piece of sushi. It cost me, like I'm like, that cost you $12.

Connell Barrett:
Hope you know that. I'm gonna then I'm gonna Venmo you after this date. It's gonna get very expensive for you. And the next and the next day, I'm texting her. Hey. Were you able to eat lunch today, or did you just keep dropping the fork? So that's like so you're teasing surface level things. You're not teasing, like, hardcore things, like, not that you would do this, but you're not, like, making jokes about, well, you sure drink a lot. Are you an alcoholic? We wouldn't do that.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Those are some examples. Let's get back to this woman you're imagining. What are some ways we could tease her or might have teased her, whoever we're talking about?

Jack:
Gotcha. Yeah. So I guess with this I guess I can just use this this, this recent girl. So she's she's, she's Spanish. So I guess sometimes I was also before I even met her, I started learning a little Spanish too. So I would kind of make fun of her a little bit with some of the things she said, but, also, I don't wanna sound like it's hard like, you know, it's really challenging to learn another language. Right?

Connell Barrett:
Sure.

Jack:
So I also mentioned, like, hey. Even though you're bad at that, I'm way worse at speaking Spanish. You know? Okay. Just little things like that. I mean, it's stuff.

Connell Barrett:
Usually, you could try with a woman like that. When there's this when you're on a date with a woman where English is her second language

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
You can have a little accent competition. See if she can do an American accent and tease her if it's bad or praise her if it's good, and then be vulnerable. You can say, let's have a competition. Let's see who has a better accent than the other person.

Jack:
Okay. I can see that. I went to London. Sounds fun.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. I went to London years ago, and I remember approaching a lot of women. And the thing that my coach had me doing at the time was, I would say this to women. I'd say, hey. Okay. By the way, forgive my terrible London accent, but I beat a woman and, you know, she's you know, she did have a British accent, and I'd say, okay. Repeat after me. I would like to buy this cheeseburger with my credit card, and then I would have her say it.

Connell Barrett:
And it would be terrible, but it'd be really cute because she's trying. Yeah. And I would tease her about the accent. And she and I would try my British accent, which is terrible, and we would laugh about it. So you could tease about things like that, tease about pronunciations of words.

Jack:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
My ex girlfriend, Alex, is more of a girl. I was kinda like it wasn't exclusive. But, anyway, my ex, Alex, couldn't pronounce the word rural. She would say rule. I tease her about that. She liked it. Any more thoughts about how you might tease women or well, here's a simple way to think about this. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Do you bust your friends' balls, guy friends?

Jack:
Oh, all the time. It's What

Connell Barrett:
What kind of stuff do you teach them about?

Jack:
I mean, we get brutal, you know, but those are friends that I've known since I was in high school, elementary. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Give me some brutal examples of how you tease your friends. I'm not saying they're right. Let me I just love to hear a couple examples because Okay. The whole idea about being authentic and letting women see that real true you is a great way to think about it as well. If I wanna tease people, how do I do it already in my life with people I know? And there might be some applicable ways that we can do it with women. So how do you roast your friends?

Jack:
One of my good friends I mean, he's pretty short, and he's he's he's he's balding. So I'm okay. Just give him shit for that. You know? And I don't I don't, I don't I don't sugarcoat, but he knows I'm joking. Sure. So stuff like that. And then

Connell Barrett:
So okay. I wouldn't go the bald route with a girl. Hopefully, she's not bald. But you know what?

Jack:
Short, yeah.

Connell Barrett:
The short thing, there's something there. I'm about 52 years old.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
53. I think I might have said, "I totally roast her now, but she I know on our first date, I think I said something like, look at you. You're like a fun size.

Jack:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I don't know whether to ask you out or hang you on a Christmas tree as an ornament.

Jack:
Or pass out for Halloween. Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
So basically, it's a short joke. But because it's playful and meant with good intention, it's not like a nag. It's, like, busting balls. Any other ways you tease your friends?

Jack:
So, I don't know. I just grew up in a very teasing, like, family. I just do annoying things to, like, just just to, like, get attention, like, poke the back of the neck. Just people that I know I'm comfortable with. I just like to get under the skin a little bit. I'm just, like, I'm bugging them. But that's, again, that I don't know. That's not something I'm gonna do to a stranger.

Connell Barrett:
Right.

Jack:
I wouldn't say poke. You know? Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I wouldn't say poke her.

Jack:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I think the easiest thing to do would be to just get a present, listen to the conversation that you're having with a woman and look for a little idiosyncrasies. Yeah. For light things that, like, taste What your favorite movie is is legally blonde? I mean, it's okay, but it's not The Godfather. You know? It could be teased like that.

Jack:
Or a girl that gets scared says she can't watch scary movies because she's too scared. And I roll my eyes, I'm like, they're not that scary. Totally. I wanna see how much you jump when you're holding a scary movie. Right. Stuff like that. Okay. So I'm okay.

Jack:
So I got some good examples of teasing, but what I guess is another way to be flirty other than teasing?

Connell Barrett:
Oh, sure. Oh, there's a 1000 10000 ways to flirt. We just wanna choose some simple avenues that are aligned with your authentic self so that you're not doing. I don't want you to be some cocky teasing jerk type if that's not who you are. That's not who I am, but I am

Jack:
a smart

Connell Barrett:
ass. So I want women to see my smartass side. You might not be a natural smartass like I am. That's okay. Let me give you a couple simple ways to flirt, like the simplest ways in the world, and they're super powerful. I think the simplest, and I don't tell you if you do this, is just using clear, simple statements or I call them clear, flirtatious statements of intent, of romantic interest. Basically, using your words, calling a woman sexy, letting her know she's sexy, or something she said or did was really sexy or cool, or complimenting her in some other way. You've probably heard this tip, so forgive me if I'm repeating something, but I think it bears repeating.

Connell Barrett:
One thing I want virtually every man to do on every first date, if he means it, is to look a woman in the eye and notice a trait about something sexy about her, the woman inside, and tell her that. And you know

Jack:
what's really had a

Connell Barrett:
You know what's really sexy about you, Jessica? You are so adventurous. I love that you just got up and went backpacking, went to Europe on 2 days' notice and went backpacking. That is so adventurous. That's really sexy. I don't meet people like that often. So telling her she's sexy, not just because of her beautiful eyes or her nice figure, which is nice, but she knows that probably. Telling her something about her is sexy, oh my god. Women love that.

Connell Barrett:
So clear statements of flirtatious interest. You only need 1 or 2 per date. You don't need, like, 10.

Jack:
Right. Okay. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
What kind of well, so what kind of clear romantic flirtatious statements do you make on first dates, if any?

Jack:
I guess, first, like, especially a first date, I guess, I'm nervous too, so I usually don't.

Connell Barrett:
Well, there you go. This is absolutely contributing. I'm convinced. It's 98% sure it's contributing to some of these women losing interest.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Because that's the frosting, dude.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
That's a big player of frosting.

Jack:
I see.

Connell Barrett:
And I know why you don't do it. I'm well, I don't, I have a guess.

Jack:
Yeah. Go for it.

Connell Barrett:
You don't wanna seem creepy. Don't wanna seem forward.

Jack:
Yeah. Absolutely nailed it. Yeah. Seriously.

Connell Barrett:
You're on a date with a woman you met on a dating app. Why the hell would you not want to tell her to be flirty and tell her she's hot, sexy, awesome, if you feel that way?

Jack:
Yeah. Well, that's a good point. Do you

Connell Barrett:
wanna be a do you wanna be you're a nice guy. Right?

Jack:
Try to be. I

Connell Barrett:
I hope so.

Jack:
Yeah. Yeah. I would say so for sure.

Connell Barrett:
You and I are both Midwesterners. I know a nice Midwesterner when I hear one. Dude, by the way, I'm only messing with you a little bit. I just said No. I myself. But, you know, the nicest thing you can do on a date is make a woman feel sexy and special and amazing. What's nicer than that? So stop being an asshole. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Stop being an asshole and not letting her feel sexy and incredible.

Jack:
When you phrase it that way, I don't wanna be an asshole.

Connell Barrett:
Right. Be nice. I once dated a woman who, she gave me some great time with some of my clients and myself years ago. I do these in person coaching seminars in New York City mainly. And, this woman came out, a beautiful beautiful blonde woman who's, like, basically a part time model. And, anyway, she did a little focus group not focus group, but a little q and a for, like, 4 or 5 of my guys. Because we spent the night out approaching, talking to women. I'm coaching them up, and then this woman came out.

Connell Barrett:
I'll call her Jennifer. So Jennifer, tall, gorgeous, blonde woman. She said the best thing. And that I'm not gonna isolate this clip because it would sound so bad, so I call it full context as needed. 1 of my clients said, like, what do women want from us? What do you guys really want? And she said, you know what? We just want a nice, sweet guy who's gonna treat us well and then take us home and respectfully choke us while he fucks us with consent. You know what Jennifer was into. Right? Yeah. Again, that's a metaphor.

Connell Barrett:
I'm not saying choking is what every woman wants. That's a whole separate episode we'll do about BDSM. But the message that Jennifer was trying to convey was, we want you to be nice and sweet to us. We also want you to be a man and make some moves. In her case, she wanted consensual choking. God bless her. I'm saying lower the bar. Just tell a woman she's sexy and cool. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
On a date. And then and that's gonna help you so much, man, because you're a lot of women who love clear direct language, unfiltered language, just the way it is. So don't be afraid. Well, fear is okay. Don't let fear stop you from saying that to a woman if you feel that way. You will not get in the friend zone anymore. You may or may not be the right fit for a woman, but I promise you this, if you look a woman in the eye and say, you know what's really sexy about you? The way you laugh and giggle, it is so feminine and playful and sweet and silly. I'm trying to be a gentleman here, but you're making it, you're making it hard.

Connell Barrett:
I don't know if she's gonna love that or not,

Jack:
but she

Connell Barrett:
ain't she ain't gonna friend zone you. Yeah. Does it make sense?

Jack:
That's what makes sense. It's a Yeah. That's a fair point for sure.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So I think what's happening on first dates, at least to an extent, it's that you're going to get first date kisses, so you're doing a lot of stuff really well. But we just really wanna, like, hit women not hit, but, you know, give them a lot of great energy and a lot of just make them feel all floaty and swirly and special.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
And, one of the ways we do that is just clear statements of romantic interest. So, again, the technique is notice what you like notice what you find sexy and special about her that's sort of more

Jack:
internal. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
The woman, the person, and wrap that in the bow of your sexy.

Jack:
I see.

Connell Barrett:
So let's go back to your last first date where you felt the woman was cool and sexy. Let's go back. Let's go back to the future. Let's get in the DeLorean.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
Go back in time. If you go back and tell one of these previous first dates something really that you found really sexy about her, what might you have said? What internal quality would you have noticed with any of these women?

Jack:
Gotcha. You know, I like a girl that's really bubbly, but I don't know how to make that, like, say, hey. That's sexy that you're bubbly. Right? But adventurous.

Connell Barrett:
I like bubbly. Yeah? I like it because it's behavior based. It's not like Yeah. We just don't wanna make it only about our body.

Jack:
Yeah. Exactly. That's that, I see what you're getting at there. I love bubbly. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I tend to like girls that are like that, and that personality just is very attractive to me.

Jack:
But I don't know how to compliment that and make that sound sexy because you don't always equate bubbly to sexy, I guess. Maybe in my mind, I'm overthinking that aspect. I don't know how to do it that way.

Connell Barrett:
You overthink, Jack?

Jack:
I know. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
That's all good. Welcome to being alive. Yeah. We all do it. I've overthought 27 things today. But, yeah, bubbly there's a line in my book where I say, here's a simple philosophy to go through dating. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
So, I mean, thinking and feeling about her and about

Jack:
us. Right.

Connell Barrett:
Right? So, yeah, if you're like, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so bubbly. I love that. Doesn't have to be fancy. It just has to be real and, and that directly clears your statement, you. You know what's so sexy about you? You were so bubbly. I love how bubbly you are.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
And then you might keep going. Just let that stream of consciousness flow. Was she intelligent? Was she anything else besides bubbly that impressed you?

Jack:
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So, I mean, the fact that she loves to, like, travel. I mean, not everybody likes to do it. Adventurous. Awesome. Smart. Knowing no.

Jack:
Like, having a really good job as an engineer. You know? Okay. Great. It was just yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Oh, that's awesome. So what you just did was something. You stumbled on something. This is more of an advanced flirting move for a different episode perhaps. But when you combine 2 things that don't normally go together

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
You create this kinda interesting curiosity. Like, it's like Reese's cup of flirting. So, oh, chocolate is good. Peanut butter is great. Put them together. Oh my god. It's incredible. So you're like, you know what's really sexy about you? What fake name can we give her? What's a bubbly girl's name?

Jack:
Veronica.

Connell Barrett:
I like using a woman's name because that's her favorite word. Hey, Veronica. By the way, Veronica, you know what's really sexy about you? You are so bubbly, and you're not just bubbly, but you're so smart and nerdy. I mean, you're an engineer. You're a bubbly and brilliant engineer. I don't know whether to ask you out again or ask you to, you know, design a computer model for me, or I don't know, whatever an engineer does. Right. But it's like, it's sort of like you're combining 2 things that don't normally go together, and that's really unusual in a good way.

Connell Barrett:
It's like it gives women a sense of variety that they're not used to because most guys are just like, you're hot. Actually, most guys don't even say that, but at least, like, the quote, unquote, you know, natural guys or more naturally extroverted guys might just say, yeah. You're hot. That's not fancy, but it's enough for a lot of women. I'd much rather you elevate it to be like, hey. You know what's sexy about you? You're bubbly and you're but you're also a nerd. Mhmm. I love that you're a bubbly nerd.

Connell Barrett:
You're my type. You're you're because I'm a nerd too. I'm not as bubbly as you, but that's okay. That would resonate so much with a woman, I'm convinced. I really do believe that.

Jack:
Yeah. It makes sense. Because you're also when you're complimenting, it's not like a generic. It's really I see a couple calling back to what you're saying earlier. Yeah. It's 2 things that are unique about her that you can't really say about everybody else. So I guess that's because I would like it if somebody said that about me. You know? Oh, yeah.

Jack:
Not that specific because I'm not an engineer. I don't know if I'm bubbly. Maybe I come across as the opposite sometimes. But yeah. Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:
Now, well, women are usually the bubbly ones. I don't Yeah. I'm not saying bubbly is a thing a lot of women are looking for in a guy. So it's probably good.

Jack:
Yeah. No. I guess. I agree. For sure.

Connell Barrett:
There are some feminine traits women like. I'm not saying bubbly is gonna be at the top of the list. Okay. Here are your marching orders.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Here is your mission. Here's your mission or 2 should you choose to accept it. On every first date going forward, I want you to give women that sexy compliment. Make it about an internal trait or a behavioral observation, her sexy laugh, her bubbliness, her intelligence combined with bubbliness. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I said, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so quick witted. You're so funny. I'm usually the funniest one on a date. I'm just trying to keep up with you.

Connell Barrett:
And she later told me how that, like, melted her.

Jack:
That's a good line.

Connell Barrett:
Sounds like, well, it's a line, but it's also genuine. It was real.

Jack:
I yeah. No.

Connell Barrett:
I mean, it was a thing I said. It wasn't planned, though. Totally. Totally organic at the moment. Authentic as I like to say. Anyway, marching orders always say the sexy thing. But feet but me wait until you mean it and feel it. Don't say it because coach Connell said, oh, time to do the sexy part.

Connell Barrett:
Time to do the sexy line now.

Jack:
Hey, Jennifer. Thinking.

Connell Barrett:
You sure are sexy.

Jack:
I'm writing it down in my heart. Thing I wanted

Connell Barrett:
to do on a date.

Jack:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Be vulnerable. If you are in your head and nervous, tell her that.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Because you get in your head. So is she. Be vulnerable. God, I'm just kinda nervous right now. I'm actually in your head. I just caught myself trying to say the right thing and then you know what? I'm not gonna do that with you. I'm just gonna be in the present moment with you. Back to you.

Connell Barrett:
What were you saying, Allison? I'm back in the present moment. Sorry. Pretty girls make me nervous.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
Oh my god. Women are, like, craving that guy.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
That's like a Hugh Grant rom com movie character.

Jack:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
Trust me on this. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, so sexy compliments, feel free to say when you're nervous or in your head. I'd rather you lean into the skid than pretend like you're not human. You never know. She might open up too. All of a sudden, she's like, I was so nervous too.

Connell Barrett:
You're so cute. I was so excited about you. And the other thing I want you to start doing for a mission is simplifying texting. Start using give, give, give, ask. And just instead of thinking, what's the perfect thing to say, or am I coming off as needy? As long as you are giving value or or trying to, then there's nothing needy about you and nothing to try hard. And, you can't. Again, no woman's ever said, stop sending me charming funny messages that are tailored for me. They want that.

Connell Barrett:
So don't worry about that at all. I've been doing this for 20 years. It works like a charm.

Jack:
Makes sense. Okay. Any other missions? These are good.

Connell Barrett:
Thanks, man. Last thing I'll say, I got 2 more minutes. Do you tell stories on first dates? Like, personal stories from your life?

Jack:
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah? Like, what's your go to story? Like, any stories you like? You don't need to tell the whole thing, but, like, close ups version?

Jack:
So, yeah, I try to lean towards, like, younger, like, college or kids stories that I try to think are funny. Like, I don't know. I'll say, like, one of my brothers when I was really little, and I pretended I fell off of our deck, and I was looking up in the air. And my brother, I just saw him. He's this tiny little kid, and this has this giant ice chunk that just drops it right on my head. I'm just crying. You know? Like, something like that. You know? Just, yeah.

Connell Barrett:
That's great. I love it. That's great. No notes. Because my unprofitable teacher never says to me, no notes. That's great. Great. Storytelling, personal stories are great things to share.

Connell Barrett:
One thing you might consider, back to that frosting versus cake topic, this could be a first or second date. Totally fine to do this on a first date. Is, think of, like, a good vulnerable or I mean, you don't have to think of it. You can also just do it in the moment, but think what's a really genuine real story from my past about something that I screwed up or something embarrassing or something really personal that I've learned from or grown from. That can be really powerful, like late in a first date after you flirted and teased and told her she's sexy and then kind of opened up a little bit toward the end and then she sees that real glimpse of you. I remember on a first date I had way way, this is pre-pandemic, it's been so long, but pre-pandemic first date I had where I talked about giving my mom's eulogy and how because we're talking about the best things we'd ever written. And the best thing I ever wrote was my mom's eulogy, and I wasn't gonna you typically talk about my mom's passing on a date, but it came up. And I talked about it in a way that wasn't sad or super negative.

Connell Barrett:
It was more about what a wonderful moment that was for me to share these stories about my mom with my family. And so, kind of broke a little first date rule, talk about your mom's eulogy. Hell no. I wouldn't normally tell that to a guy, but it was organic. And I could kinda just see this woman just, like, kinda gravitating to the truth and the the openness, and she shared something about her past and somebody she lost. It just made us kinda really see the real people. And that will help a woman at the end of a date walk home thinking or go home thinking, damn, I could totally see myself with this guy. And if she can't because you're just 2 different people, that's okay too.

Connell Barrett:
Better to find out sooner rather than later. But, man, when you find the right fit for you and you get emotionally naked like that at the end of a date or maybe on a second date, that's another kind of story to have in your back pocket is something vulnerable, lesson you learned, something you screwed up, the time you got caught cheating in on the sophomore high school test and you got suspended, whatever the story is. Make it a story that doesn't make you look good or that, or that at the time didn't make you look good, but you learned from it. That can be pretty powerful too.

Jack:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Oh, bonus mission I forgot to give you. Also, look for look for one thing to playfully tease a woman about on 1st

Jack:
dates.

Connell Barrett:
So marching orders for 1st dates, sexy compliments and mean it, don't fake it. Look for something to tease, something behavioral or, like, low stakes, just like you bust your friend's balls and, and then look for that more vulnerable story and start giving women the boyfriend experience because, because Jack's gonna be a hell of a boyfriend. We just gotta show women that guy.

Jack:
Thank you. Cool, man. Thanks for the confidence.

Connell Barrett:
You got it. That's all. I will let you go, and we'll stay in touch. Keep me posted. Okay, bro?

Jack:
Awesome. Thanks, Connor. I appreciate it.

Connell Barrett:
Great stuff. You got it, man. Thanks a lot.