Intro:

I think I said something like, yeah, my there's an Amber alert out for my ass. My ass is missing. It's missing. It's AWOL without leave.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating coach, Connell Barrett.

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an incredible girlfriend and do it all with authenticity. Dude is the real best you, not some pickup dude. And today I have a question for you. Do you feel or fear that women think you're boring? Do you struggle with what to text Or you feel like your texts or what you say to women, what you talk to a girl about, do you feel you come across as boring? Are you just not sure how to be interesting, how to be compelling, how to be charismatic? You're not sure if you know how, or maybe you doubt that you even can be. If that sounds like you, Then today's episode, I'm really psyched about it because I wanna help you go from boring, neutral, just fine conversation with girls to charismatic and funny and interesting and compelling to her. So today's episode is about how to stop being boring.

If you feel like you are how to stop being boring, how to start being charismatic. Yeah. I want you to stop being boring. I don't think you are boring, but what can happen with women in dating? You could be a guy who's got a very smart, intelligent mind, and very successful, very intelligent. You might be a software developer or an engineer or have a really cool finance job or have a really cool career And we have really great deep conversations with some people in your life, but then on a date or in a conversation with a woman you're attracted to, That doesn't work. You might find that that doesn't work. And that's because when Talking with women and people in general, let's just obviously talk about dating. There's a slightly different channel we want to get on.

We want to get on more of a an emotionally compelling channel of communication versus a logical, safe, analytical channel because that logical analytical conversational channel that you have at work when you're running a project meeting, when you're talking with your boss and giving them an date about the latest project or when you're sending that group email. That kind of logical analytical conversation is great for work. However, if you bring a similar. A similar logical informational vibe to a text or to online dating or to an approach, then you basically flat line with a girl, with a woman. Not that you're not an so it's not that you're not interesting. It's that you don't know how to convey your true best real personality in a way that's interesting. So that's what today's episode is about. We are going to, I'm going to share with you a few strategies to go from boring to compelling and charismatic and exciting.

At least to the kinds of women who like your type. So here's, let's get to it. Let's talk about it. And let me talk about a story from my dating past. I remember. I remember one of the worst dates I ever had back when I was 1st, struggling with dating before I ever hired my 1st coach. Before I started working on this, I had a first date from match.com. This was back before there were apps. You actually met people on a dating website.

Back in my day, I met girls on match.com and drove a horse carrot, horse drawn carriage to the 1st date. This was a long time ago. I'm really old. Anyway, I was on a 1st date from Match.com and on the date, I remember thinking, okay, how do I talk to her? What should I do? Well, just talk about what, you know, be yourself, you know, that that advice was out there. Be yourself. I'm not the 1st one to say, be yourself, be authentic. And so I went on a date with a woman named Shelley and we had a really Good conversation. We talked about movies.

We talked about each other's lives and the conversation flowed. I remember discussing places I traveled to for my job. I asked about her job. I asked about her likes and interests and we had a perfectly nice conversation and. Oh gosh. I remember exactly when this was too. I remember because in Boston now I'm going to know I'm really dating myself. The Boston Red Sox We're about to win their 1st world series.

So that was 2004, I think. So I just remembered when the date was. It was 19 years ago. That's how long I've been trying. That's when I started working on my dating life. So picture it October 2004. I'm on a date and we talk about all these things. There's no lag in the conversation.

There's no awkward pauses. There's no like, moments. It's good conversation, and I left the date feeling really good about things. And then the next day I get that message. I think it was an email. People didn't text that much in 2004 and She sent me an email and she said, hey, I just wanted to let you know. I didn't I didn't feel a spark last night. There was just something missing, she

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help.

He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract They're dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients, so book a call today while you still can.

Go to datingtransformation.com/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

That's the quote I remember. There was just something missing. Now she didn't come out and say you're boring, but I thought back to the date after she said there was something missing. And I realized there were many there were a few times when she, you know, she went on her phone, She seemed distracted. I could just tell, even though the conversation was continuous, it wasn't compelling. I didn't have her interest and sort of sucked in. And, And then she basically was telling me that the next day in her own words, she was basically saying, I just didn't, I wasn't, I was basically, she was saying, I was bored. Bored, not with the topics per se, but the way we talked about them.

So what was the big mistake I made? I didn't realize it at the time. I saw it actually quite many years ago. Well, many a couple of years later, but I realized, oh, you know what? It's not what you talk about. It's not the topic. It's how you talk about them. She and I had a very logical analysis. I'm not saying we analyzed, you know, everything about life, but it was very, informational. Right? We talked about where we went to school, information.

We talked about each other's families, but in an informational way. It was very surface level as opposed to talking about why we went to the colleges we went to, and talking about feelings, and feeling feelings. So we made it very informational, and she basically said, no, I'm not feeling it. You're boring. Thanks. Thanks, but no thanks, Ginger. Not feeling sparks. So for a woman to feel sparks with you, She has to feel some emotional cords being strummed.

And so this bad date was not a bad date, but this Unsuccessful date was a wake up call for me. And let's fast forward down, you know, a few couple of years down the road. To a different date with a different woman, a different young lady, a woman who became my girlfriend. Her name is Jessica. And Jessica and I had a 1st date. And on this date but at this point, I'd figured out the art of flirting, what I call man to woman communication of making sparks happen. And on my 1st date with Jessica, We talked about most of the same topics that I talked about with this other girl from 2004. We talked about many of the same topics.

Where'd you go to school? Your family. However, we talked about it in a more compelling way, in a more informational way. I'm sorry, a more emotional way, more emotionally compelling way. And Here's what I remember about my date with Jessica. I had realized one of, one of my favorite things to do. One of my favorite moves on a date to make things exciting and can convey my personality and my kind of charisma and my sense of humor As I like to say, do you remember the remember the Seinfeld episode, the opposite where George Costanza realizes that all of his life choices and decisions were wrong, and he had to start doing the opposite. So he starts saying the opposite of what he would normally say to a woman, And all of a sudden his dating fortunes completely reverse. I started to do something similar to that and saw some really great success.

So what do most guys do on dates? They brag. They try to play up how cool they are. What I started doing in my dating life and that Jessica really loved and was laughing at was I would make self deprecating comments, like, extreme self deprecation as a joke. So for example, on my date, my 1st date with Jessica, we were talking about sex. Then the topic of sex came up, which is a great topic to have come up on a date, and I remember she asked me about how well I was endowed. And I said, oh, well, you're gonna be disappointed. I'm about the size of a paper clip, one of those really small tiny paper clips. So, yeah, you're probably not going to be that into this.

That is I just want to be really honest and that made her laugh. She could tell I was joking. I was kidding. And we also started talking about speaking about body parts. At one point, I said, Oh, you know how some people have bubble butts? She said, yeah. Because we're talking about, like, body parts and stuff. I said, oh, well, just so you know, I have no ass. Like, I have a bubble butt, but it's a reverse bubble butt. It's concave.

My butt goes inside. And I think I said something like, yeah, my there's an amber alert out for my ass. My ass is missing. It's missing. It's AWOL without leave. And I remember her saying something to me that night. She said, She said, you say all the wrong things, but she said it with a smile and she said it with clear interest. And really what she was saying was you are not the same as other guys.

The way you're talking to me is not the way other guys talk to me. You're saying things the opposite, kind of like Costanza. And That was a great date. She and I became my girlfriend. Jessica and I were together for a couple years, and it all started with a really fun first date where it wasn't what we talked about. It was how we talked about it. And by then, I'd learned the art of Being charismatic. In my own way, my authentic personality, my authentic sense of humor, how to convey that in a way that a lot of women Find attractive if they like my type.

And if women don't like my type, then they might not be into me. That's totally okay. So let's talk about some practical strategies here. So I guess that's how to start. Let's start with that strategy. Let's call it the Costanza, the opposite. One thing you can do on a date or a conversation is say the opposite of what most guys say. So you could crack a joke, and it has to be clear that it's a joke. She can't think you're actually saying you have a small endowment.

But most guys are going to brag about their penis size or their money or how many girls they've been with. You can do the opposite. You can say something like, Oh, I'm really you know, you could be texting a girl before your 1st date. Hey. I'm really excited to meet you tonight. Yeah. I've never had a date before. And, And, you know, hopefully, I'll get my 1st kiss tonight, and we could be married by next week.

Fingers crossed. So you're flipping the script on what most guys would say and do and playing the part of the guy who's never had a date before and is twiddling his thumbs with nervousness. That's the opposite of what women are used to experiencing. So that's the opposite. I actually like to kinda do fun toggling back and forth. Sometimes I say exceedingly confident sounding things, almost verging on arrogant. Again, not to sound arrogant, but to Almost mock the kinds of guys who are arrogant. So for example, I might have sent this text many times the day of a date.

I've texted. Oh, hey, whatever her name is. Hey, Rebecca. Super psyched to meet you tonight. Oh, by the way, I just got a fresh new haircut, and I look really handsome. So you have been warned. Winky emoji or upside down emoji, which I love. That kind of so you could do These 2 fun and emotionally compelling extremes, you can do, And intentionally over the top brag, which makes it funny and not actually bragging.

Like, that example of, hey, I look really handsome tonight, so you have been warned. Or you can do the opposite. You could do basically, you can say something over the top self deprecating like, oh, like my old coach. I think I think this was my old coach, Owen. I forget where this came from. I had so many different coaches, But one of my other coaches had this little fun little routine that I thought was funny. He would say, oh, yeah, just so you know, if I'm hung like a baby carrot. I'm really small.

It's like, put out your, put your pinky out there. I'm really small. I actually said that once to a girl at a club in Vegas. And I remember her looking at me. She tilted her head as if to say, I think you're choking and I like it. She basically said, guys don't talk to me this way. And she liked that I was cracking a joke about my size, which makes fun of guys who do that in a way. It also conveys a certain confidence because if I'm going to tell a joke about how tiny and tiny I am down there, She might think, wow, only a confident guy who must be confident about what's happening down there would even say that to me.

So anyway, I think that was my old coach, Owen. But you could do things like that. Joke about your tiny poo, tiny penis size. You can pretend like you've never had a date before and that you're completely inexperienced. And, I've sent a text like this to a girl. You can, you can do over the top wrong things. You just have to make it clear that it's a joke. It has to be clear to her that you're kidding.

So make sure you sell the joke with certainty. But yeah. I've texted things like After a 1st date, I've said, oh, hey. I had a blast last night. It was great. It was a great meeting and hanging, and, I'm, I'm so, just so you know, I'm gonna send you several dick pics today. And, I've told my parents about you and they wanna meet you. So I can't wait to have dinner with you and my parents on Saturday.

Let me know what kind of engagement ring you want. So, like, playing the role of the way, way, way too into you guys. Anyway, what technique would I call this? I would just call this kind of a fun role play. All these roles play a super arrogant guy, and then you're making fun of the arrogant guy. Role playing a needy, overeager guy, you're you're She making fun of him and coming across as fun and funny. So this is about being fun, funny, and playful, which is how to not be boring, one of the ways to not be boring. But this is a bit more of an advanced topic we're talking about here, but Test drive it. Feel free to test drive it.

Another one more example of this, and then I'll move on, is one of my favorite days, sorry, texts. Next day the text to send to a girl is let's say you had a 1st date. It went well enough for you. Hopefully, really really good. What do most guys do? They say, hey. I had a great time last night, and I wanna see you again. What would George Costanza do? What would we do the opposite? Costanza sent her a text that said, Oh, Hey. I just want you to know that you had a really good time last night and you want to see me again. And that will almost Definitely get you a, an LOL from her and very likely help you get a 2nd date because you're flipping the script and doing the opposite.

It's funny. It's not boring. It's charismatic and it shows a lot of personality. So try the opposite. Try the opposite. Okay. Another strategy to stop being boring and start being more charismatic is, oh, this is super important. It's talking about the topics you're into.

 emotion and feeling instead of through the lens of intellect and logic. Okay. So basically make it emotional, not factual. Emotional, not factual. A favorite Phrase I heard from a dating genius. A woman said a dating genius coach expert out there said, Romance is the opposite of logic.

Basically don't do facts, do emotion. So, don't worry about the topics as much as how you talk about them. So for example

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, Lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number 1 Amazon best selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. You're a step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't So that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks, but you don't on Amazon Or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks, but you don't today. To transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Let's say you're talking on a 1st date or that 1st conversation. Let's say you're at a party. You know, it's the holidays. People are going to parties and meeting up. Let's say you're at a party or a social event, and you're talking to a woman who you find attractive and you want to be compelling to her. Keep the conversation about topics that relate to you and her, which is the first thing. Talk about each other primarily. Also Notice when you're only talking about informational aspects of that topic, and just notice it, and then Make it emotional, make it feel based.

How do we do that? Let me tell you right now. So let's think of any topic, any topic at all. Let's go with movies. I'm a big movie nerd. Let's say you're talking about movies with a woman you just met. It'd be very easy to just say, hey, what's your favorite movie? What movies have you seen lately? What are you binging? And she tells you informationally. And then you say, Oh, cool. I've been watching this.

I've been watching that. Here's what I've been watching. And that's just a mere extent, mere information exchange is not enough on its own to make some sparks Happen. It could come across. It probably would come across as boring, but you could talk about movies in this way. Instead Talk. Use the word, use the words, love or hate about the movies that you're talking about. So if she said, oh yeah, I just watched, I just watched, man, pick anything, what's a good rom com.

I love rom coms. Let's say, Legally Blonde. She said, oh yeah. My favorite movie is Legally Blonde. That's information. It's a fact. You can say you either love that movie or you hate it, and tell her why. Legally Blonde is your favorite movie.

I love that movie. I love it because Reese Witherspoon is so funny in it and the big case is that she wins at the end. I love the fish out of water premise. And then if you want to go deeper with love or hate, say, feel, say the word feeling or say how you feel. Yeah. That movie made me feel like I was in law school or it made me feel like I should quit my job and, and, become an attorney. I don't know. Or maybe you hate what she just said.

Maybe you hate that movie or you hate the fact that that's her favorite movie. You say what? Your favorite movie is Legally Blonde? Don't get me wrong. It's perfectly fine to like a rom com, but, but You got it. I mean, there's so many other great movies out there. I hate that you just said that, you know what? I was loving you a second ago. I was so into you. And now I feel like, gosh, Maybe this is not the girl for me. See what I'm doing here? I'm injecting love and hate into the conversation.

So we're injecting emotion into a conversation about movies. You can, you can do this with any topic. So, the main tools I want you to have taken away here from this part of the pod is you can talk about any topic and make it so much more compelling and charismatic or make yourself more charismatic by giving her an unfiltered love, hate, filter on what you're discussing. Okay. And keep it real. I'm not saying to fake this, quite the opposite. Authenticity, baby. If you're listening, listening to my pod, you've heard me drone on about authenticity.

So keep it real, keep it raw. Say I love that movie or I hated that movie. I can't believe you liked that movie. You liked the tiger king. Oh my God. I hated it. I lost 90 minutes of my life. 3 hours of my life.

I'll never get it back. Why do all the cute girls like the worst movies? You know, you can tease her a little bit like that. So just think of, think of conversation as, think of, think of conversation with a woman on a date or a woman you're into. Think of the conversation kind of like a baseline sincere conversation. Think of it kind of like an EKG, And most of the conversation can be that middle line kind of just going across that middle line on an EKG and imagine an EKG readout. But what you wanna do is give those fun emotional spikes, Maybe Spikes Up. Oh my God. I love that movie.

I love that you're from Austin, Texas. That's one of my favorite towns in the world. Or you can also hate to quote certain things that you're talking about in the movie where she's from. And that's a, that little spike, that kind of downward spike is another way for you to express yourself. You're not going to love everything. You might hate some things. And by the way, before we get too down the rabbit hole too far down the rabbit hole of, of loving and hating conversations with a woman on a date. Social situation.

Whoever it might be dating for that matter. This should mainly be positive. We wanna keep it positive and playful the vast majority of the time. So if you want to go out and test drive the love, hate strategy, then you want to mostly love. You're going to want to love more than you're going to want to hate, but it's totally fine to talk about things you hate, because that makes you more real. It makes you more honest. You're not loving everything. You also don't want to hate everything and you know who's a really good model for this.

Strangely not, not so much flirting, but charismatic, compelling communication. For me, it's Howard Stern. I've been a Howard Stern listener for 25 years and listen to Howard Stern for 10 minutes on any given radio show or there's probably, I'm sure, his episodes, there are episodes on YouTube. Listen to Howard and listen to how Howard talks about topics every single show. I love this. I hate this. I love the Beatles. I love Paul McCartney and John Lennon. I hate this TV show or I hate this movie.

I just saw, I love my guests. He might say, you know, he has all these big guests on. When he has guests on, he loves everything about them. He's totally in love with them. When he's talking to his staff, Howard Stern, He is busting their balls big time. He's not hating them. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying he says I hate you, But he's teasing. He's nagging.

He's he's really a ball busting. So there's all these positive upward trends for emotion and all these more negative, you know, spiky, emotional spikes, both positive and negative. And every time I listen to Howard, I'm thinking, well, that's why he's so damn compelling and and and polarizingly attractive to people who like him, and also a lot of people hate him. So that's partially why he's polarizing. But the people who love Howard love him because he's so unfiltered love, love, love, hate, hate, hate. This is me. Love me or hate me. And you could probably notice you'll notice the same thing.

Now that I'm talking about this, you're going to start seeing the matrix here. You're going to start seeing the matrix of communication conversation being compelling. What podcasts do you love or what Thought leaders? Do you really compel you and notice how they're probably extremely unfiltered and giving you that pure shot of their opinion, their energy, their vibe, their point of view, and they're probably love-hate communicators. So to stop being boring and start being emotionally compelling and charismatic, you can add a lot of love and a little bit of hate to your conversations. And like, even just last night, I was hanging out with my girlfriend And Jess was, we were talking about, we were watching the TV show Cheers or talking about the TV show Cheers. And she was like, oh, I love Sam. I love Cheers.

I hate Diane Chambers. I hate Shelley Long, but I love these shows. Just, Just keeping it real. And I just, I, I, you know, that you'll, you'll notice the love, hate the power of love, hate communicating in that real way. And So to be really, to be really attractive to women, you don't have to only flirt. Although flirting is great. Letting her know you're attracted to her, complimenting her all the ways we flirt. That's great.

One of the ways we can be one of the ways we can attract the kind of woman you want to attract is being unfiltered or less filtered, what I call radically authentic. And that's saying I love, I hate, another related way to do this is Using the word I feel, how do you feel? Here's how I feel, having a very feel based form of communication. My old coach, Anthony, Anthony Russanello, great guy, great coach who has been on this podcast. Anthony was the one who helped me with this way back in the day when I was working with him. And basically, one of his tips was to start sentences with, well, here's how I feel. And then say how you feel about whatever the topic is and you can ping back toward her. Yep. Well, that's how I feel about the holidays.

That's how I feel about Christmas decorations in October. I hate it. How do you feel? How do you feel Jennifer? And women love talking, communicating, connecting through emotions versus logic and information. So a little recap here, as we finish up How to be more compelling, charismatic, less boring. 1st, you can do the opposite. You can do Costanza, Say the opposite of what every other freaking guy is saying as a joke, as humor. In other words, role play is the opposite of what women are used to hearing. Another technique is love, hate saying love, hate.

Another technique is related to love, hate it's feel based. Instead of saying to a woman, oh, where did you go on your vacation? How many days were you there? How long were you there? What did you see? Instead of only talking about that's all facts, right? That's information. It's okay to have that bedrock of information, but we want to plant emotional seeds that sprout. So you don't just say. Not just the, who, what the, when the, where, but Hey, so how did you feel about your trip? How was your skiing trip? How did it feel to be on the mountain? Oh my God. What did it feel like when you finished the ski jump or I don't know, whatever. Tell me about your trip. You know, I'm just making this up.

You went, You squashed grapes? You stomped grapes and made wine? No way. How'd that feel? How'd that feel between your toes? Tell me, oh my God, I can almost feel it. So you can use the power of feelings. All right. So those are 3. 3 very powerful techniques you can start to incorporate in your conversation to be more emotionally compelling. And we didn't even talk about flirting in this episode. We just talked about charisma.

What is charisma? Look, it's different for everybody, but there's a formula that is the same for everybody. And I did this in my Anthony Russanello episode from a few months ago. We gave you my charisma formula, And basically it comes down to that authentic expression, a full range of expression being authentic, raw, and real being really present with that woman. And then also communicating her on an emotional level, not facts and figures. And once I started to do that, once I just stopped talking about where'd you go? How long were you there? And I started saying, Oh my God, I love that you went there. Oh, but I hate this. And I got a feel based and also started cracking some jokes. Playing the part of the super cheeky, confident guy over the top, or maybe the opposite cracking jokes about my, my, little carrot size member.

I started seeing women look at me and respond to me completely differently. No more friend zone. Very rarely. Anyway, no more. I just didn't feel it any more. You're boring. Things just skyrocketed for me. And I want you to have the same kind of skyrocketing spark and attraction with women.

Okay. That's the end of the episode. If you want to have a 1 on 1 conversation with me where I give you some specific dating advice about how to fix your biggest dating problems and talk about potentially working together. If you're looking for a dating coach, go to my website, datingtransformation.com and that's how you can book a free call with me. And if you don't want to do that, That's okay too. Keep listening to the pod every week, couple times a week, I'll be on here giving you the best of what I know to help you with your love life. So until next time and remember your dream, incredible, wonderful girlfriend. She's already out there and she's gonna love you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. Alright. Later.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com See you next time.

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