Q&A with a Dating Coach, Part 2

From “how to pick up girls” to how to be a “bad boy,” here’s part 2 of a conversation with NYC dating coach Connell Barrett on attracting amazing women by being authentic

Here’s part 2 of an interview I did with a British writer named Will Palmer. As an NYC dating coach, I have a lot of competition in the Big Apple. But I consider myself different from other coaches. Success with women not about conquest, like most coaches teach, but about connection and authenticity.

Here’s the rest of our conversation about how to pick up girls without coming across as a creepy guy who’s trying to learn how to pick up girls. To me, success with women, as I teach it, is the best form of self-help that a single guy can undertake.

WILL PALMER:
Are any guys beyond help when it comes to dating and getting a great girlfriend?

CONNELL BARRETT:
I believe that almost any guy, with the right strategy and with enough dedication, can attract amazing women—not with sketchy “pickup” moves but with total integrity and authenticity. Success with women is learnable. And it only takes one wonderful woman to change your life.

Now, that said, I’m a dating coach, not a miracle worker. I demand a lot of my clients. They have to work hard, take action, and move toward a goal that excites them. I’m like a personal trainer. We’ll get you those 6-pack abs that will change the way you feel about yourself, but you gotta put in the work.

What training do you need to qualify as a dating coach?

CONNELL BARRETT:
Well, you have to be good with women, but lots of coaches can get girls. What I feel sets me apart is that I’m all about getting results for my clients because. I know how to do this for them because I’ve had and overcome virtually every single challenge and problem guys face in this area of success with women and dating. I get them results because I got these results for me first.

Most coaches sell information, not transformation. They basically say, “Learn these cookie-cutter tricks and you MIGHT get success… eventually.” I know because I trained with most of these guys.

Unlike my competitors, my program isn’t about my method. It’s about my clients’ results. And my guys get dates, great girlfriends, and towering confidence in days or weeks, not months or years. Because I offer transformation, not information.

And I don’t, and never will, sell them products. Products will not change your life. It takes commitment and hard work. It’s fun as hell, but challenging, too.

What’s your secret to getting your clients great results?

CONNELL BARRETT:
I’m about finding solutions. Again, I’ve faced—and fixed—every dating problem a man could have. Self-doubt. Fear of rejection. Zero luck with online dating. Feeling unattractive or unworthy. Anxiety when approaching. Running out of things to say. Dates that go nowhere. Not knowing how to flirt. Being stuck in the friend zone.

I solved all these problems in myself, so fixing them in my clients is just another day at the office for me.

What’s the biggest problem you solve for your clients?

CONNELL BARRETT:
Probably escaping the friend zone.

Let me bust a myth: Women don’t put men in the friend zone. Guys do it to themselves.

It happens when a man tunes to the wrong frequency of communication. Instead of the “man-to-woman” channel, he grabs the remote and mistakenly flips to “friend-to-friend.” When this happens on a date, the woman gets mixed signals and… hello, friend zone.

But when he changes the channel to “man-to-woman,” he and the girl are on the same frequency, and attraction happens naturally.

My client Trevor escaped the friend zone. When he came to me, he was doing online dating, and every woman was bailing after one drink. He thought he wasn’t attractive, but he was simply tuned to the wrong channel.

He had a date planned with Becca, a beautiful New York City chef he met on Match.com. She even emailed him before their first date not to get his hopes up because she rarely “felt it” with a guy.

I gave Trevor some strategies to avoid the friend zone and to dial up their romantic connection. Becca walked into the bar, sat down next to him, and was quickly captivated by Trevor. He was funny, flirty, and their chemistry was off the charts. By 45 minutes in, this gorgeous, successful woman was super into Trevor, and he was into her. And all he had to do was be authentic—I call it radical authenticity—and then let their natural chemistry do most of the work.

That’s how you break out of the friend zone.

CONNELL BARRETT:
Do your methods work on any woman or is there a specific type?

My methods only work on Belgian flight attendants between age 27 and 34.

Kidding! Yes, ANY woman. I know because I’ve trained and coached in dozens of cities—L.A., Miami, New York, London, Barcelona, Stockholm, Rome, and more.

But let me add that it’s not about what works ON women but what works WITH women. I teach men to collaborate with women, not weaken their defenses using ninja dating tactics. This isn’t karate. It’s human connection.

It’s a paradox. Yes, as a dating coach, I teach guys how to pick up women, but I’ve never liked the term “pick-up.” That implies tricks or tactics. I teach the opposite: being disarmingly honest and vulnerable and real. When you collaborate with women in that way, you’re building something with the girl, not picking her up.

What’s a dating mistake men make that they’re not aware of?

CONNELL BARRETT:
The typical guy puts on a persona with women. He wears a mask. He acts extra cool or extra nice or plays the “bad boy.” This waters down his true personality and makes him less attractive.

But when you channel your authentic self, women find it intoxicating. It’s the difference between a weak, watered-down well drink, and a smooth, potent whiskey. Girls want the good stuff—the 80-proof, top-shelf YOU.

Why are women attracted to the “bad boy” and not nice guys?

CONNELL BARRETT:
I beg to differ! It’s a myth that women want bad boys over nice guys. I ONLY work with nice guys, and my clients date models, actresses, the dream girl next door. In a Glamour.com poll of single women, “Loyal and lovable” was the kind of guy women MOST wanted to date, at 33%. “Bad boys” finished second to last, at 6%.

And a Maxim model once told me, “Nice guys are sexier than 6-pack abs.”

Women go for bad boys because people are drawn to traits that convey strength. The bad boy has confidence; he “tells it like it is”; he plays by his own rules. That’s all well and good, until he mistreats his girlfriend, or cheats on her, or otherwise misbehaves.

So as a dating coach, I LOVE picking the bad boys’ pockets. I show my clients how to spice up the their good-guy vibe with just a little bad-boy mojo. My guys cultivate bullet-proof confidence, authentic expressiveness and backbones of steel—traits bad boys have. But at the same time, my clients are also kind, vulnerable gentlemen who treat women well.

The result? An authentic man who’s at once masculine, strong and centered while also warm, tender and real. In other words, any woman’s dream date.

How long does your training program take?

CONNELL BARRETT:
I have two offers. I teach a 4-week program that overhauls and transforms a guy’s online-dating results. I also teach a personalized, 8-week program that completely reboots a guy’s entire dating life, both online and meeting women in the real world. Any guy can work with me, as long as he has an internet connection.

Both programs are results-based. This is not about MAYBE attracting amazing women. It’s about a total transformation—and results in days or weeks.

As an NYC dating coach, guys in the New York area have a chance to work with me in-person, which is so powerful.

Again, I should add that I only work with about 1 in 3 or 4 men who reach out. To be my client, a guy must be coachable, he must be willing to take action, and he must like and respect women.

But if a guy wants to attract bright, beautiful women and do it with total integrity, then I’ll transform the rest of his life.