Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on the best pickup lines on Tinder, a big secret to approaching, and how to be confident on first dates.
You know what sucks? When I match with women on Tinder, send them that first message, and they don’t respond. I don’t know why this keeps happening. What’s the best pickup line on Tinder?
—Jeremy, 33, Nashville
It’s an emotional roller-coaster, right? You feel GREAT when you get a match on Tinder (or any dating app), but then you feel frustrated and confused A.F. when you send that first message and she doesn’t reply. You just hear crickets.
Here are some openers that will help. I don’t think of these so much as “pickup lines on Tinder.” They’re just flirty first messages that are great ice-breakers. (Women don’t want to be “picked up.” They want to flirt and chat with a cool guy.)
Here are five flirty first messages to help you get those matches to write you back—so you can go on more dates.
1: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Are you always this cute, or did I catch you on a really good day?”
WHY IT’S GOOD: It’s concise, flirty and bold, but doesn’t come on too strong. In dating as in life, fortune favors the bold.
2: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “I need to ask you a very deep, serious question, and your answer will have huge consequences for both of us... Thin-crust or deep-dish? 🍕”
WHY IT’S GOOD: “This silly, subversive text creates tension. She thinks you’re about to ask a serious question, but you then release that tension by asking about pizza. It will make her laugh while leading to a fun topic.
3: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Wow, this was shaping up to be just another dull [day of the week]—and then I saw your profile. #GoodDay”
WHY IT’S GOOD: Being funny or witty is great, but sometimes vulnerability is the best way to make an impression with your pickup line on Tinder. This text lets you “put yourself out there,” which is very attractive.
4: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “I see that you’re into [hobby/interest]. What do you love most about it?”
WHY IT’S GOOD: This is a great first message on a dating-app because everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. We all love to talk about our passions and hobbies, so it’s very likely to kick-start a stimulating conversation.
5: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Pop quiz! I’m texting you because… a) you’re adorable b) just saying hello c) all of the above.”
WHY IT’S GOOD: Everyone loves quizzes, and this text lets you be both flirty and engaging.
I’ve been going out with my buddy to meet girls. I’ve been getting rejected right off the bat, but he does great. He gets girls responding well, and he’s not any cooler or better-looking than me. What am I missing? What do other guys have that I don’t?
—Peter, 33, Manhattan
If none of your approaches are landing, and you’re getting a lot of fast rejections, check your vocal tonality. It’s the single biggest technical mistake that men make when approaching—and the most costly.
When approaching, the way you use your voice conveys your confidence level. So you want to cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.
One thing you can do today: Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “up-talking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.
Another exercise: When speaking to someone in person, imagine someone is directly behind them and talk loud enough that they will hear. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when you approach.
Approaching can be scary, and fear tends to hurt your vocal tone, which in turn hurts your results.
Think of a continuum of voice tonality, from supplicating (hesitant, quiet, up-talking) to neutral/friendly (your normal voice) to commanding (drill sergeant barking orders). When approaching, seek the sweet spot between commanding and neutral/friendly. This is the tonality that sounds firm and certain, yet friendly and upbeat.
⬅️--------------Sweet spot that women like
Here’s a great rule of thumb: In whatever environment you’re in (bar, coffee-shop, book store), notice the baseline vocal tonality people are using, and deliver your opener with a neutral-to-commanding tonality that’s 3-5% louder than that baseline.
When approaching, it’s better to speak a bit too loudly (which conveys confidence) than too softly (which conveys fear and anxiety.)
When I go out on a date, I feel nervous and low in confidence. This is definitely hurting my results. What’s the best way to boost my confidence?
—Cameron, 42, Indianapolis
I have three words for instant confidence: Jonnie Walker Black. (OK, that may not be a good long-term strategy. )
Instead, do this: Take a stand… literally. When you’re on dates or out meeting women, occupy more space with your body. Stand tall, widen your stance a bit. When you stand, imagine that your spine is a steel rod. Powerful body language not only sends women the right message—it boosts your emotional state.
Try it right now: Stand up, hunch your shoulders, touch your ankles together, and hold that pose for thirty seconds. You feel small and passive, right?
OK, now stand tall, like your spine is made of steel, push your shoulders back, take a wide stance, and hold this pose for thirty seconds. You feel more confident and masculine, right? That’s because adopting a “dominant” body language can increase your testosterone and reduce cortisol, the stress hormone. And it just feels good.
Now you know how to come up with some of the best pickup lines on Tinder and how to approach a woman with confidence. Subscribe to this column for more dating advice.
Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach who specializes in helping men find the women of their dreams. He is famous for appearing on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. His dating advice has been featured in O Magazine, Maxim, and others. Be sure to get his new book coming out Spring 2021 called "Dating Sucks But You Don't: The Modern Guy's Guide To Finding Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, And The Perfect Partner." Ask Connell a question below.
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I'm dating coach Connell Barrett. I help men build confidence and connect with women by being authentic!
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001