How to Approach Women.... and Get Dates Today!

Learn how to approach women: Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 20 tips to confidently approach women and get dates.

Get ready, because I’m about to give you the approach opener that works 89% of the time! (Yep, I’ve tested it.)

But first, I’m gonna read your mind. Here goes.

I’ll bet that you often see attractive women you’d love to meet—at the gym, in bars, or maybe at the grocery store. And you’d love to confidently approach them and get dates, right?

But something holds you back, and you rarely (if ever) approach. You’re not sure what to say, and you don’t want to come across as creepy. So you feel stuck.

I get it. I used to have the same problem.

It’s frustrating to see attractive women and not know how to approach them. It can hurt your confidence, and lead to a lonely, disappointing dating life.

So, let’s fix this… today! Let’s get you confidently meeting amazing women, and getting numbers and dates.

In this column, I’m gonna share 20 of my best tips to teach you how to approach women, and do it with charm and confidence.

Oh, make sure you read Tip No. 16—the “approach opener” that works 90% of the time!

These 20 tips are from my Amazon bestselling book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, a step-by-step roadmap to confidently approach and attract women.

As I write in my book, “Approaching is about more than just getting the girl. It’s about freedom. To be able to walk up to a woman and genuinely connect is liberating.”

Until you can confidently walk up to a woman and flirt as your authentic self, there’s room to grow.

You’re about to learn how to approach women, so that you can stop feeling anxiety, and start confidently getting dates with attractive women you meet at the gym, grocery store, bar, or coffee shop.

So let’s do it! Let’s learn how to approach women, and get results. Here are my top 20 tips!

How to Approach Women and Get Dates

TIP NO. 1: YES, WOMEN WANT YOU TO APPROACH

You might think that beautiful women don’t want men to approach them, but in fact they’re dying for a solid, authentic man to take that romantic risk… IF he does it with charm, and not like some “pickup” weirdo.

Attractive women get constant attention from men, but usually in the form of leers, wolf whistles, and come-ons from pickup-artist creeps.

Know this: Women don’t want EVERY man to approach them, but they’re dying for a MAN to approach them – a good-hearted, charming gentleman like you. Buy into this! (Take it from me, a guy who’s approached thousands of women.)

TIP NO. 2: ASSUME ATTRACTION

I urge you to believe in advance that a given approach will go well. It’s a Jedi mind trick that’s called “assuming attraction.”

When you walk up to her, assume that a woman will be into you. This positive expectation makes you stand taller and talk louder, often creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Women can sense that worthiness, that belief, and they like it.

When you assume attraction, you get attraction. When you assume rejection, you get rejection.

TIP NO. 3: EMBRACE “REJECTION”

Good technique is important but overrated. What you really need is to learn how to get “rejected,” but elegantly. Get rejected and laugh it off. Get rejected and feel good for trying.

Don’t take it personally, or else you might end up with more pain and fear than you started with.

There are no quick fixes in the area of approaching. Magic bullets only exist in werewolf movies.

But destroying your fear of rejection is the closest thing you’ll get to an approaching panacea because when that fear disappears, you become free to take action with confidence. And women love confident guys.

TIP NO. 4: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN—THE UPSIDES

Link tons of pleasure to approaching, and very little pain.

Right now, you probably link more pain than pleasure to approaching, and that’s what causes “approach anxiety.”

But once you link mostly pleasure, and you see those gorgeous women, your brain will quickly run down the upsides and downsides of approaching, and it will look something like this:

Upsides to Knowing How to Approach Women:

Finding love and connection  
Getting a great girlfriend  
Growing  
More confidence  
More dates  
Great sex  
Expressing your true self  
The joy of taking action

Downsides to Knowing How to Approach Women:

[*cricket noises*]

Link a LOT more pleasure to approaching, and you’ll start getting a LOT more dates.

TIP NO. 5: THE NEW WAY TO LOOK AT “APPROACHING”

Every approach is a 10 out of 10, because you either “get the girl” (win!) or you put another brick in your cathedral of your character (win!).

TIP NO. 6: OBEY THE RULE OF ONE IN THREE

There’s a concept called the Rule of One in Three. When you’re Radically Authentic with women, you naturally become polarizing.

I don’t mean in an intentionally dickish way. You just express yourself in a more raw and real style, which many people will love and some won’t. But that’s the point. You don’t want to be kinda liked by most women. You want to be loved by a subset of women.

When you get good at approaching from a truly authentic place, about one out of three girls will be very into you, and two out of three won’t be interested at all, at least in a romantic way. At this point, you’ll get three kinds of reactions:

Be liberated by this! You can brush off the brush-offs. They’re part of the path to finding the women you have chemistry with.

TIP NO. 7: BE AUTHENTIC AND POLARIZING

As I mention in my book DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, when I first began approaching, I was watering down my personality, being too safe. Lots of women thought I was pleasant and nice, but none wanted to take me home.

Once I grew bolder and more authentic, I started to experience the Rule of One in Three— sometimes in a single moment.

One night, I boldly walked up to three women who were standing at the bar.  
ME: [with confident vocal tonality] “You guys are adorable. I had to meet you. Are you friendly?”

GIRL ON LEFT: “Hey, yeah, we’re friendly.”

GIRL ON RIGHT: “I am NOT friendly.”

GIRL IN MIDDLE: “You are cute!”

And I got the middle girl’s number, thanks to the Rule of One in Three.

TIP NO. 8: BEWARE OF EXCUSES

I can’t stress this enough: Approaching will feel extremely scary to you at first, and you will try to talk yourself out of it. You’ll see that Jessica Alba lookalike at the bar, walk toward her with the perfect opening line on your tongue, and at the last moment you’ll tell yourself, “Gosh, I really need to go do my taxes.”

That’s your Lower Self pouring poison in your ear. Do not listen.

I’m not trying to psych you out. I just want you to be ready when your brain manufactures a “good” excuse not to talk to that Wow Girl. Be ready and chat her up anyway.

TIP NO. 9: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE 

Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you.

Be sincere and authentic. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. As I said in Ask Men, women want a fun, emotional vibe from men—not a logical energy.

TIP NO. 10: WHAT MAKES HER FASCINATING?

When talking with her, look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.

TIP NO. 11: GO FOR IT! 

If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor make-out. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client, Michael, 30, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I screwed up,” he said. “I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

He said, “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.” 

“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!” 

He re-approached her, and got her number, date set.

Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!

TIP NO. 12: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN: THE ART OF OPENING

Your opener does not have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

Hi
You have great style.  
How’s your night going?  
I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.  
What book are you reading?  
Is this the coolest club around here?  
Whoa, this line is long.

Being clever or funny is a nice bonus, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

My client Oscar was having a drink with friends at a Miami lounge when he saw Anastasia, a tall, intelligent pharmaceutical rep. He approached her, they liked each other, and later left the bar together.

His opener was a simple, “Damn, who are you?”

TIP NO. 13: TRY DIRECT OPENERS

Oscar used a “direct opener,” which means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers.

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.  
You’re absolutely adorable.  
You’re gorgeous. Who are you?  
I’m here to flirt with you.  
You’re sexy.

Upside to being direct: There’s no chance of the friend zone. Whether or not she’s attracted to you, she’ll know why you’re talking to her.

TIP NO. 14: BEING DIRECT DOES NOT MEAN BE VULGAR

If you open in a direct way, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.  

TIP NO. 15: BE INDIRECT

“Going indirect” means that you don’t explicitly state romantic interest up front. You might make small talk or give her a friendly compliment. You don’t hide your intentions; you just don’t lead with them. Here are some indirect openers.

How’s your night going?  
I dig your boots/jacket/style.  
Isn’t this song great?  
How’s that book you’re reading?  
Your hair looks amazing.

Upside to being indirect: It opens the door to a lot more conversations since you don’t get as many blowouts. This helps you gain experience, build confidence, and talk to more women, which gives you more dating opportunities.

TIP NO. 16: USE THE “COMPLIMENT + QUESTION” OPENER

Here’s my favorite way to approach a woman. It gets a good response and starts a conversation 89% of the time, in research I’ve done with my clients.

And you can use it anywhere, from the gym to the grocery store to the bar on Saturday night.

Give her a power compliment—that’s NOT about her looks—and follow up with a “why” question.

Notice something about her that you like—say, her leather skirt, her tattoo, her pink Chuck Taylors, or confident vibe. And compliment her on that thing. And then ask her a “why” question.

The follow-up question is key, otherwise she may merely thank you for the compliment and go on her way. A “why” question leads to a conversation, which can lead to a phone number and a date.

Example: You’re at Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon, and standing next to you is a brunette beauty waiting on her chai latte.

Ask yourself, “What do I like or notice about her?” (Umm, besides her curves.) Answer: She has a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on her wrist. Compliment her on the tatt, and ask her a “why” question about it.

It would go something like this: “Excuse me, miss. I really like your tattoo. Very cool design.” She’ll say thanks. “I’m curious,” you continue. “Why did you choose that design?”

She may reply with something like, “Well, I went to Paris last summer, and the trip changed my life!” Boom! You’re off and running.

“Why” questions are better than “yes/no” questions because they make people dig deeper for the answer, which leads to a more engaging conversation.

The “Compliments + Question” opener works just about anywhere, from quiet cafes to loud bars. Give it a try.

TIP NO. 17 SHOW CLEAR ROMANTIC INTEREST

After you open in an indirect way, within a minute or two, start to pepper the conversation with a flirty comment or two, such as “Wow, you have a sexy laugh. Anyway . . .”  or “What do you do, when you’re not making handsome  men flirt with you?”  

TIP NO. 18: SHE’S TALKING TO YOU . . . NOW WHAT?

It’s simple: Keep the conversation about you and her.

Now, if you used an indirect opener, you can talk for a bit about the icebreaker topic—say, the book she’s reading or boots she’s wearing. Then change subjects. A simple way to do that is to introduce yourself and shake hands. This lets you bridge to the next topic.

TIP NO. 19: ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTIONS

Beware of “interview mode,” where you pummel a woman with questions, and offer little about yourself.

A simple way to fix this is to answer some of your own question, especially if she’s not asking you many questions.

You: “What do you do?”

Her: “I’m a nurse at XYZ hospital.”

You, answering your own question: “Oh, cool. I’m a software engineer at XYZ company…”

It’s totally normal to ask questions. It shows interest. Just beware of interview mode.

TIP NO. 20: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN? GET COACHING!

If you want to get great at approaching women, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

www.datingtransformation.com/contact

If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to approach women, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

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How to Talk to Girls: 23 Ways to Attract Your Ideal Girlfriend

Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 23 tips to teach you how to talk to girls… and never run out of things to say.

I’m about to give you the blueprint to teach you how to talk to girls, and start creating sparks—on dates, when you text, and when you approach. It’s the most popular chapter in my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, and I’m gonna give you some of the best stuff here, for free.

But first, a quick story about my client Trevor.

As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel his nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful chef he’d matched with on Bumble.

She wasn’t just a beautiful brunette; she was quick and witty.

But Trevor had been struggling with women. He never knew what to say or how to flirt on dates. Girl after girl sent him the same message: “You seem great, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection.”

“I’m lost,” Trevor confessed to me in our first conversation. “I don’t know how to talk to girls, and it’s so frustrating.”

This night would be different, though, because Trevor had learned the secret that I had taught him about how to talk to girls.

He had honed what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—a turbocharged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection, and helps you to always know what to say.

Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish, while he was impressed by her easy confidence.

He gently teased her for running a few minutes late (“You owe me a drink for every minute you were late”), and she laughed.

He was playful, authentic, and teased her a few times. When Becca looked at his button-down shirt, he pretended to be offended. “My eyes are up here,” he said with a sly grin. “Please stop objectifying me.” She giggled and punched his arm.

They bonded over their passions for cooking and yoga. During their second drink, Trevor took her hand and intertwined their fingers, and Becca tossed her leg over his.

He moved closer and whispered his authentic thoughts into her ear: “You’re even cooler than I was hoping.”

Minutes later, they were kissing, with half the bar shooting them “Get a room” glances.

Before they left, Becca suggested their next get-together—a private couple’s massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date.

Walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally figured out how to talk to girls, and create those romantic sparks.

Just like Trevor, you can learn to consistently ignite that romantic connection with women using Man-to-Woman Communication—the breezy, flirty frequency that helps you always know what to say, both IRL and when texting.

You see, most men talk to women on a safe, Friend-to-Friend frequency. That stifles chemistry, and leads to the dreaded Friend Zone.

But when you switch over to the Man-to-Woman wavelength, it’s a one-way ticket to romantic connection.

So if you’ve ever felt, “I want to know how to talk to girls,” read on. Here are 23 ways…

And make sure you try out no. 7, which is my personal favorite!

How To Talk To Girls in 23 Ways

Get this Book & Attract Your Dream Girlfriend

GET THE BOOK

TIP NO. 1: SHOW CLEAR INTEREST

Other than “Be Radically Authentic,” which is my dating mantra, the first rule is to show clear interest.

It can be as simple as saying, “Let’s go on a date,” rather than “Let’s hang out.” On the date, don’t hide your feelings. Tell her or show her that you think she’s sexy or cool.

Clarity helps you set the M-W frame, and helps unlock your flirty self.

TIP NO. 2: BE THE BUYER, NOT THE SELLER

Men often try to “sell” themselves to women they’ve just met, which can come across as desperate. It’s better to adopt a buyer-seller vibe, with you as the buyer.

If you’re at a Best Buy shopping for a new TV, you don’t try to convince the sales- man that a certain model is right for you, and you don’t try to impress him. First you see if the TV is what you’re looking for.

In the same respect, find out if a woman meets your standards. This keeps you from appearing overly eager. Be the buyer.

TIP NO. 3: SPEAK YOUR AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS… EVEN WHEN IT’S SCARY!

We’re all searching for truth and realness, so get in the habit of sharing scary but honest feelings with women— as long as it’s not vulgar or negative, of course.

This emotional nakedness can be powerful, and by going first, you free your date to do the same. Such phrases often start out like this:

“You know what I like about you . . .”  

“Here’s what scares me the most . . .”  

“I want to share something with you, but I’m not sure if I should . . .”

TIP NO. 4: TALK THE TALK

Learning how to talk to girls isn’t just about the words you use. The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level, so cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.

Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “uptalking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.

When speaking to someone, imagine another person is directly behind them and talk loud enough that both of them can hear you. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when speaking to a woman you find attractive.

TIP NO. 5: BE PHYSICALLY EXPRESSIVE

You can “talk” with your body and physicality. Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a M-W vibe.

You can high-five, hold her hand, tap her arm, touch her thigh, whisper in her ear, or brush the hair from her eyes, among other ways—assuming, of course, that she’s made it clear that she’s comfortable with this, is enjoying it, and also reciprocates.

We’re humans. We touch. You want to be physically expressive in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable.

TIP NO. 6: TEASE HER

Light, playful teasing can amplify attraction. So if you’re a natural ballbuster, like I am, tease her a bit and see if she responds well. Avoid areas that could bring offense, like her appearance, family, job, or pets. (I once called a woman’s dog a “little rat,” and she almost got up and left.) Stick to less touchy topics like her taste in movies, TV shows, or music.

For a lot more on how teasing can get cute girls chasing you, check out my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T.

TIP NO. 7: USE THE PUSH-PULL

My personal favorite!

Teases and compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.

Push: Playfully showing disinterest. 

Pull: Showing interest. 

Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both.  It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling, surprising curiosity. It makes the brain happy.

The title of my book is a push-pull: “DATING SUCKS [push] BUT YOU DON’T [pull].) A push-pull gives her an emotionally layered experience. It’s two great tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s Cup of flirting.

Here are some push-pull examples:

“You’re either the coolest girl I’ve met in a while or the nerdiest. I’m just not sure which one yet.”
“I was falling for you until you said [comment she made].”
“You’re so cute—you remind me of my little sister.”
“We should go on a date, as long as you promise not to stalk me.”

Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment.

TIP NO. 8: FLIRT, DON’T FAWN

An easy mistake to make is fawning—being too impressed by a woman too quickly. Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!”

Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. That’s a big turn-off.

So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal. Here are examples of being affected by her but not fawning over her.

“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”  

“That dress is very . . . wow. Anyway . . .”

TIP NO. 9: TEXT A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD A GOOD FRIEND

Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic, not trying to impress. You want to text a woman the same way, but with a little romantic interest thrown in.

TIP NO. 10: ADD A DASH OF COCKINESS

Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone.

Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, but I was hiding that side of me on dates. So when I met Amy on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her, accusing her of checking out my (nonexistent) ass.

The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” She loved it. Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth.

If you have a cheeky side, let women see it. Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous.

TIP NO. 11: GIVE HER A DEALBREAKER

A fun way to spike a date is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal breaker.  

HER: I’m more of a cat person than a dog person.  

YOU: What? No! That’s a deal breaker. I knew you were too good to be true.  

HER: No, I like dogs! I just love cats more.  

YOU: Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians.  

HER: [laughing] No, I really do love dogs.

In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested in something a person is, the more they want that something.

TIP NO. 12: MOVE YOUR EYES IN A “7” PATTERN

When it comes to “how to talk to girls,” you can “talk” with your eyes.

To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern— that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction to her.

Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.

TIP NO. 13: GIVE HER A NICKNAME

“Troublemaker.” “Kiddo.” “Freckles.” Giving a nickname to someone means you know and like them, and it suggests familiarity. The night I met my future girlfriend Carrie, she started calling me “Ginger-Man,” and it made me even more into her. (Damn, this stuff works on me, too!)

TIP NO. 14: MAKE HER THE SEDUCER

I love to misinterpret an innocent comment as “evidence” that my date wants to seduce me. A lot of women love this.

By flipping the male-female dynamic and accusing her of objectifying you, you subtly tell her, “I’m not like those guys.” Also, it takes things from a logical, Friend-to-Friend context to M-W. And it’s just fun.  

HER: I recently redid my bedroom . . .  

YOU: Listen, I’m not going to bed with you tonight. I know I’m sexy, but we just met, so let’s take it slow.  

Look for opportunities to say the kinds of things to women that women always tell horned-up guys. (As a joke! You’re not actually accusing her of anything.) Some examples . . .

“Umm, my eyes are up here.” “Just so you know, I don’t hold hands until the third date.” “Stop trying to kiss me—I’m a gentleman, not a piece of meat.”

TIP NO. 15: TELL PERSONAL STORIES

We’re hardwired to love stories. So the art of learning how to talk to girls includes sharing good anecdotes from your life.

An interesting personal story makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories. Here are some storytelling tips.

Follow a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution.

Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on many dates: “I was in study hall in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I knew I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I went to the nurse and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came, instead of taking me home, they took me to the hospital for X-rays. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]”  

Details bring a story to life, making it more vivid. Include lots of specifics.

7 BONUS TIPS! HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS ON FIRST DATES

There’s an old expression: To be interesting, be interested. In a 2017 study, researchers at Harvard found that people who asked questions in one-on-one situations, including first dates, were seen as more likable than those who didn’t ask questions.

On first dates, arm yourself with some good questions. It helps your date open up, helping you learn what makes her special and interesting. This can help you connect over shared experiences. (“What? Your first concert was Coldplay? Mine too!”)

Here are 7 great first-date questions, to help you always know how to talk to girls whom you’ve just met.

“What do you love most about your job/career?”

This question lets you both talk about work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking, “What do you do?”

“What’s your hidden talent?”

This allows her to show off a bit while also revealing a secret—and sharing small secrets builds trust on first dates.

“What’s your dream travel destination?”

Hey, everyone likes talking travel. It’s aspirational, and the two of you might find out you’re both just dying to see Machu Picchu.

“Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?”

This question caters to her ego—and the actress that she chooses will clue you in on how she see herself.

“Who did you see for your first concert?”

Music is a great first-date topic. Prepare to be impressed when she mentions Beyoncé, or playfully tease her when she admits that it was Nickelback.

“Who was your first kiss?”

Everyone remembers their first kiss. This question takes things in a romantic direction, but also keeps the vibe innocent.

“What’s the craziest place you’ve hooked up?”

If things are going well and you’re both opening up, feel free to ask this riskier, PG-13 question, which can help spark a sexy vibe. Just be ready to answer your own question!

BONUS TIP: GET COACHING!

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

Application

If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to talk to girls, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

Book a Free Call & Attract Amazing Women!

BOOK A CALL

Nice Guys Finish First

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on gaining instant confidence, how nice guys finish first and date quality girls, and turning a “rejection” into a first date.

Nice Guys Finish First

The Power of being Radically Authentic

Connell, I loved the chapter in your book about being “Radically Authentic.” I really like the sound of that, because I’m a man who just does NOT want to be some phony “pickup artist” type of guy. Can you share some practical tips about how to be Radically Authentic?

—Jake, 37, Indianapolis

Jake, it’s fairly simple: Being truly Radically Authentic is about ripping off those masks that most men wear with women and instead showing her your very best, most real and true you.

I speak from experience. I wore a lot of masks over the years. Consider my dates with a woman named Laura, whom I met back when I was trying to crack the code of dating success. I was super into her. She was the pretty much the perfect combo of smart and sexy, and she was quick with a witty one-liners. After our first date or two, I was totally smitten, pretty much scribbling “Connell + Laura” on my Trapper Keeper notebook.

But I felt out of my league with her—a minor-league ballplayer in Fenway Park. What would a bright beauty like her see in a nerd like me? She was into SCUBA and mountain-hiking, so on our second date I put on a mask and pretended to be the rugged, outdoorsy guy I assumed that she wanted.

Which is to say, I made a bunch of crap up. Lies, lies, lies. I told her that I was studying to get my pilot’s license (a lie), that I was into skydiving (double lie), and that I swam with dolphins and sharks off the coast of Belize (double-dog lie.) I have a terrible poker face, and as I spewed these tall tales, my upper lip became a Slip-n-Slide of sweat. She could tell I was not being the real me. She friend-zoned me, naturally—as well she should have! Because when you feel that you’re unworthy, and you pretend to be someone you’re not, women can tell.

You must remove the mask. To quote John Updike: “A mask eats at the face.”

Yet when you’re what I call radically authentic, you relax and grow more at ease, making you more confident and attractive to women who like your type. Also, you give ladies an exciting, singular experience. After all, you’re not merely one in a million. You’re one in seven billion!

Put it like this: It’s the difference between being a watered-down wine spritzer and a glass of strong, 18-year-old Scotch.

Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff—the top-shelf, 80-proof, barrel-aged you.

So, as I write in my book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” here are the (cue: drumroll….)

The 5 Steps of Radical Authenticity

Be Honest

Never, ever lie to women, and never put on a false front. Shed that mask. Instead, share your sense of humor, your stories, your points of view, your passions, your feelings, your true self. The more honest you are, the more you accept your true self, and that acceptance makes you instantly more confident. (And women LOVE confident men!)

Be Vulnerable

Let your flaws, fears, and foibles show, while fully owning them. It takes real strength to be vulnerable, and women want to date strong men.

Example of vulnerability: Instead of telling that story about the time you scored the winning touchdown, talk about the time you fumbled and LOST the game.

Take the Right Action

Align your dating actions with your words and values. As Shakespeare wrote, “Action is eloquence.”  This can be as simple as approaching a woman you find attractive and saying hello.

Be Kind

Kindness is so underrated by men. In fact, it’s the thing women want most in a guy, according to a 2019 survey of 64,000 single women. That’s right. It was no. 1, ahead of looks, money, or height. So, be nice.

Grow and Give

Both in dating and in life, the more you grow as a man, the more you give to women you meet—and the more you give, the more women want to give back to you.

As I write in my book, but it bears repeating: Your Authentic Self is King—forever may he reign.

NICE, NICE BABY

How can I stop being so nice? I’ve heard that women want to date bad boys and jerks. How can I stop being such a nice guy and start being a bad boy?

—Craig, 28, Denver

Craig, don’t do it! You may think that women all want bad boys, rather than nice guys. But that’s not the case. The truth is, nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs.

You may be thinking that women love the bad boy (and his cousin, the cocky jerk.) You know, Han Solo, Russell Brand, and the like. The swagger. The bravado. The Millennium Falcon.

Bad boys get girls giggling, twirling their hair, and giving out their numbers. But the odds of women swooning over YOU—a nice guy—are slim, right?

Wrong! The fact is, you can steal a little bad-boy mojo while still being the nice guy you are. And without getting stuck in the friend zone.

I know this because I’m a nice guy who was raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town. I volunteer at a residence for blind people. I say please and thank you. I literally help old ladies cross the street. I’m not bragging. Just pointing out that you can be a nice guy and also be great with women.

Women are dying to date nice guys. Consider: In a Glamour magazine poll, single women chose “loyal and lovable” men as the category of guys they most want to date, at 33 percent. You know who finished second to last, at 6 percent? “Bad boys.”

I tried playing the cocky bad boy with women, and I struggled. Then one evening I met a gorgeous, glossy-haired Maxim model who opened my eyes to what women are looking for.

She was bemoaning all the narcissistic jerks she meets. “I’m so sick of arrogant, selfish men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me. They’re intimidated. It’s too bad because nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs—as long as they have a back- bone.”

Did you catch that? “As long as they have a backbone.” When nice guys strike out with women, it’s not because of the niceness. It’s because they don’t convey the strength and confidence that women want.

You don’t need to wear some assholier-than-thou mask, and you don’t need to be an “alpha male.”

You need to be a nice guy with steely self-confidence.

Don’t only take my male word on this. “By the time they reach their late twenties, women are done with bad boys,” Cherlyn Chong, a relationship coach for women, told me. “They put up with dick pics, arrogance, even emotional abuse, and they just want a nice, honest guy with some form of sexy going on. A guy who’s genuine dismantles women’s walls by being respectful while unapologetically real. That’s sexy as fuck.”

In other words, nice guys finish FIRST.

FROM REJECTED TO A FIRST DATE

This is driving me crazy! I get close to a cute girl having a date on me, and then she backs out last minute. That gets me trying to talk into meeting me, and that never works. What do I say to a woman who cancels a date? Is there a way to flip it around?

—Charlie, 35, Portland, Maine

If a texting interaction isn’t going the way you want, use this move: Change her mood, not her mind.

That is, don’t use logic. Try humor or storytelling or try to tease her. Spike the interaction.

You can’t logically persuade a woman to meet you for a date – you have to strum the strings of her emotions.

For a few weeks, I had been trying for a first date with Annie—a kind, cute, private-equity real estate agent I’d connected with on a dating app. We couldn’t get our schedules aligned.

One day she sent me a polite blow-off message. I used some humor and silliness, rather than logic or pleading, and only a few messages after seemingly rejecting me, she called ME to set up a date. Here’s how I did it.

ANNIE: Hey, sorry I won’t be able to meet you. I am talking to someone else about a first date. But best of luck.

ME: No worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection. But I’ll have to return the engagement ring I bought you. [Ring emoji]

ANNIE: Lol. Sorry I’m just an honest person . . . But hey, perhaps it will be a terrible date.

ME: I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you! & you can give the guy you like most a rose, like on “the Bachelorette”

ANNIE: Lol! That would be different for sure. It’s too bad that you and I never connected. I just don’t like dating more than one guy.

ME: No worries. I only spent $7 on your ring so it’s OK. A fake diamond. Diamond-oid.

ANNIE: Perfect. I’m clumsy and I probably would fall and lose the ring.

ME: Phew! Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, you’re adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. [Frowning emoji]

ANNIE: LMAO. I can’t help it. I’m clumsy. 

ME: That is SO you. It’s why I proposed. 

ANNIE: Hahaha. You’re cute. Maybe I should meet you.

ME: Lol. Thanks. You’re suuuper cute. I’m just trying to keep up. You have a great sense of humor. & Don’t worry. I never propose till date no 2.

ANNIE: Haha. We should meet up. Imma call you in a min . . .

Seconds later, my phone rang, we talked for a half hour, and we had a great date three nights later that ended with her spending the night. And all I did was have fun by cracking dumb jokes, rather than try to logically convince her to meet with me, which would NOT have worked.

To change her mind, change her mood.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

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How To Win A Girl Over On A First Date Without Being Friend Zoned

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on the secret to flirting, effective approaching, and how to win a girl over on a first date without being friend zoned.

How To Win A Girl Over On The First Date Without Being Friend Zoned

I need your help to get out of the dreaded friend zone. I rarely go out on dates, and when I do it seems I always hear some version of, “You’re a nice guy, but I’m not feeling that chemistry.” It’s starting to take a toll on my confidence. Thoughts, coach?

—Jesse, 34, Boston

The dreaded friend zone has tortured more people than the Rack. And I totally know where you’re coming from. I didn’t merely live in the friend zone. I owned vast tracts of real estate there… and paid property tax.

I had dozens of first dates that basically went nowhere, and it can really sting to receive that next day, “I’m not feeling it,” text message, especially if you felt that the date went reasonably well, with good conversation.

So, let’s handle this right here and now. Here’s how to finally free yourself from the friend zone on dates, of course, but also when you’re messaging women on the apps or over text, as well as when you’re on the phone or doing a video date.

The secret is blessedly simple. Tell her—in a true, authentic, real way—that a specific trait about her is very sexy.

And even if it scares you, I want you to use that exact word: sexy.

Friends don’t call each other sexy, but men and women who are romantically interested DO.

Let the feeling arise from a true place inside of you. A little voice may tell you, “Damn, she’s so smart/funny/cool. That’s so sexy.”

Tell her! Yes, even if you feel a little fear.

Telling a woman that she’s sexy sends her a loud, clear, confident message that lets her know, “I’m not here to be ‘just friends.’ I want something more than that.”

A real, radically authentic man must summon the cojones to show his romantic intent, in a charming, empathetic way. This lets your date know that you’re interested, and also that you have the courage to be vulnerable, and to take that risk.

And women both want to feel sexy, and they want to date confident, risk-taking men.

So, for her, it’s a win-win.

If you’re thinking, “Won’t I sound creepy?” No, not if it’s a TRAIT that you find super sexy about her, rather than just focusing on her looks or a part of her body.

Don’t misunderstand: Any woman would want to be seen as physically desirable to her type of guy. But complimenting her curves or her lips or looks is what all the other guys do.

But you? You will be that rare, insightful, courageous man who sees her inner beauty and sexiness… and women love that kind of man more than I love karaoke. (You should hear my “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”)

So, on your very next date, take a moment and notice her inner sexiness—her wicked wit or presence or silliness—and say something like, “Wow, I really like [her inner quality]. It’s really sexy.”

Tell women you meet for dates that they’re sexy—and MEAN it, saying it from an authentic place—and that’s how to win a girl over on a first date.

THE ART OF THE "DIRECT APPROACH"

I do approach women, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I say, “Hey, do you have the time?” or maybe I try to crack a joke or say something funny, but I never seem to create that spark. How do I approach with more success, to get numbers and dates?

—Troy, 29, Philadelphia

Try being more direct in your “opener”—the first words you say when approaching a woman.

When you open a conversation with a woman, it’s not as much what you say as HOW you say it. You need full commitment, and clarity that tells her why you’re talking to her.

Your opener does NOT have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

 Hi
You have great style.  
How’s your night going?  
I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.  
What book are you reading?  
Is this the coolest club around here?  
Whoa, this line is long.

Being clever or funny is a nice bonus, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

And one of the best ways to be clear is to make your opener direct. What’s that look like? Quick story.

The next day, his impressed (and envious) buddy asked Oscar what he said to Anastasia. What amazing opener did he use on her? Oscar explained, “I just said, ‘Damn, who are you?’ My vibe was, ‘I’m into you. You into me? Cool. Let’s get outta here.’ I’m a man, and she’s a woman. Why would it NOT be like that?”

Oscar used what’s called a direct opener – meaning that his romantic intentions were clear from the get-go.

“Going direct” on your IRL opener means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers.

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.  
You’re absolutely adorable.  
You’re gorgeous. Who are you?  
I’m here to flirt with you.  
You’re sexy and I had to say hi.

The upside to being direct: there’s no chance of the friend zone. She’ll know whether or not she’s attracted to you, and why you’re talking to her. Lots of women love direct men, so it can ignite instant interest. And it can feel freeing to shed weighty expectations and just be real with women from the start, rather than trying to find something witty or clever.

The downside to being direct: it’s a polarizing technique, so plenty of women will reject you right away. If she’s not available or just not in the mood, she’ll hold up a big, fat stop sign. Either sparks will fly or she will—as she walks away.

Quick Tip: Directness is not a license to be vulgar. If you go direct, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.  

Yes, it takes a shot of courage (if not Jim Beam) to deliver a direct approach. But when it lands, and a woman shows you that clear, immediate interest, it’s worth it.

YOUR PLACE OR MINE?

When I meet a woman out at night, at the bars, what’s the best way to get her back to my place?

—Martin, 41, Hartford, Conn.

I have a crazy take on this: Ask her!

Be transparent. Never hide your intentions or try to manipulate her. It’s dishonest and ineffective.

Once, while leaving a club with a girl I had just met, I took a pickup coach’s advice and gave her intentionally vague details about where we were going. “I’m taking you someplace you will love,” I said as we got in a cab, implying that we were heading to another bar.

When we pulled up in front of my apartment building, she was disappointed. “You know, you could have just invited me over,” she said. “I would have said yes.” I felt sketchy.

When you want to invite a woman you just met to come back to your place, do two things. First, invite her to another spot—grab another drink, go get pizza—so that you can both get more comfortable with each other.

Next, as things are winding down there, be sincere. Say, “I’m having so much fun with you, and I don’t want the night to end. Want to come over and [fun, PG-rated thing you can do]?”

It’s not about the “thing,” of course. It’s about the two of you getting more time together. Learning how to win a girl over on a first date isn’t hard. It just takes an honest, direct, and committed approach.

Want some tips on dating tips for shy guys or flirty questions to ask a girl? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and how to get a girlfriend here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

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Dating App Tips For Guys

Dating coach Connell Barrett explains dating app tips for guys from how to take better Tinder photos and what to write on your bio, to a secret weapon on Bumble.

DATING APP TIPS FOR GUYS

Connell, do you have any tips on taking good Tinder photos that can get me some matches and results—instead of crickets?

—Floyd, 36, Harrisburg, Pa.

Let’s kick off this special online-dating-themed column by discussing something very important. On Tinder and the apps, It’s all about your featured photo – it’s the most important piece of real estate on your profile.

You want to make your first photo a high-quality portrait, showing you at your most attractive, dateable best. Nothing works better than a magnetic portrait, when it comes to getting more good matches.

The image should be crisp, clear, and bright, ideally shot with natural light, which tends to be more flattering than artificial light.

Also, you’ll want to zoom in close and shoot from the waist or chest up. Look at the lens—eye contact increases the sense of connection with the audience.

And smile—a REAL smile, not a fake, forced smile. Leave the smoldering glares to Zoolander. The closer you get to the lens, the better.

Also, in your photos, dress first-date great. Wear what you would wear to a first date that you’re excited about.

As for what NOT to do?

Avoid wearing sweat pants, baseball caps, cargo shorts, or anything that’s too casual. And selfies are not a good idea for most people, because the angle tends to be less than flattering, and can give some people a “double chin.”

Don’t wear sunglasses. The other person wants to see your eyes, because that helps to increase a sense of connection. Oh! And don’t post a shot of you holding the fish you just caught.

These are very clichéd images that women see a lot. The typical woman does not want to date the captain from “Jaws.”

But if you follow these tips, you’ll be able to reel in a LOT more matches, and get a lot more dates.

THE WRITE STUFF

I feel like my Tinder photos are good, but never know what to write on my bio. Got any advice?

—Frank, Iowa City

What makes for a good bio?

A great bio has what I call the 3 Ps. Passions, Personality, and Playfulness. Let’s break these down, one by one.

PASSION

Passionate people are attractive. You want to write about the things you’re excited about – skiing, live music, your dog, Bill Murray movies… anything!

And get specific. Don’t just say, “I love to travel.” That’s everyone. Go deeper. Say, “I love backpacking through Italy” or “I can’t wait to visit Machu Picchu next month!”

PERSONALITY

You want your true, real personality to come out. So make your bio sound conversational. Write like you talk. Sound like you, not like a “dating ad.”

This comes down to making a shift, away from dry, logical, informational facts, and instead communicating on a more emotional level, by injecting your TRUE personality into your profile.

Here’s an example from my Bumble profile. Feel free to use it, if this sounds like you. My profile reads, “I won’t send you a dick pic, but I MIGHT send you a duck pic.”

Girls love this because it’s light, silly, and it reflects my authentic, “Dad Joke” personality.

PLAYFULNESS

And be playful. Crack a joke. Be silly. Playfulness is an attractive trait. Here’s a line from the bio of my client, Jared, who is getting a LOT of matches on Hinge:

“Just so you know, I’ve been in jail – but it was during a Monopoly game. ;)”

If you show your passions, your personality, and playfulness, it’s hard NOT to get matches and dates.

What makes for a bad bio?

Avoid clichés! Don’t write, “Giving this a try” or “seeking a partner in crime” -- unless you’re an actual bank robber. Generic greetings like “Whattup?” will fall flat.

Another turn-off? Writing “I’m bad at bios.” Would you buy an iPhone if Apple’s slogan was “We’re bad at technology”?

And no quoting your favorite movie or TV show. Great, you like “The Office”—most of humanity does.

Follow the three Ps to get more matches, more dates, and to start making online-dating fun!

YOUR SECRET WEAPON ON BUMBLE AND TINDER

OK, what’s the biggest mistake in writing a bio that most guys don’t even know they’re making? I must be doing something wrong, because I DO get matches with women, but they either don’t send that opener, on Bumble, or they don’t reply at all. Help!

—Niko, 33, Tallahassee

Great question, Niko.

There’s one simple but powerful thing that almost NO guys do, and it helps so much in terms of getting women writing to YOU… especially on Bumble. But it’s also an effective strategy on Tinder, Hinge, or just about any app.

You want to include a “Call to Action” somewhere on your profile, ideally at the end of your bio. (But you can also put the Call to Action” in as a prompt.)

End your bio with a fun Call to Action that compels her to match with you, and also helps her know what to write. This is especially important on Bumble, where women send the first message; you’re helping her write her opener to you.

“Would you rather” questions work well because they’re playful and easy to answer. Such as, WYR…

…have dinner with Lennon or McCartney?

…shower in Evian or swim in Cristal?

…date the Tin Man or Scarecrow?

…eat a potato, or BE a potato?

Calls to Action can simply tell her what you want her to do, the same way we’re all told to “Call now!” or “Like and subscribe.”

The secret? Make her WANT to swipe, by mentioning something fun to talk about.

“Swipe right if you love Ben & Jerry’s.”

“Swipe right if you’re too sexy for this app.”

“What kind of puppy should I get? Message me!”

“Tell me . . . Thin-crust or deep-dish? (Pressure. There IS a right answer.)”

Start using a call to action, and you’ll soon be getting a lot more “action,” in terms of messages and options.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world discover how to find the women of their dreams through dating app tips for guys and authentic dating advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Read his book Dating Sucks But You Don't.

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Approach a Woman with Confidence

How do you approach a woman with confidence? Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on the secret to destroying approach anxiety, how to be “cool” on dates, and the mindsets that assure romantic success.

APPROACH A WOMAN WITH CONFIDENCE

I really want to go out and approach women in parks, coffee shops, and maybe in bars, but every time I try, I can’t do it—I have so much approach anxiety. Any advice?

—Mark, 39, Denver

Mark, your question reminds me a lot of my client Jared, a 37-year-old captain at West Point. So, here’s a quick story.

As the two of us walked into Madison Square Park on a spring day to meet women, the beads of sweat on his forehead revealed his nervousness. “I’ve never approached girls before,” he said, with a lump in his throat.

He feared (cue: scary music) rejection. But he quickly got two phone numbers, one from a cute pre-med student out walking her dog, the second from a Brazilian exchange student lounging on a blanket. Two for two!

Next, Jared approached a woman on a bench, her nose in a book. He came back a few minutes later with a huge grin on his face. I assumed he’d grabbed a third number, but it was the opposite.

He was rejected. And I’d never seen him happier.

“It was fantastic,” he said. “She said, ‘I just want to read my book. Bye.’ So I bounced.”

“Yet you survived,” I said, poking his shoulder. You’re still here.”

As good as getting two phone numbers felt, his aha! moment was realizing that with the right mindset, rejection is no biggie.

“That’s what I’ve been so afraid of all these years?” Jared said. “That didn’t hurt at all. There is nothing to fear.” And when there’s nothing to fear, you become free to approach a woman with confidence.

HOW TO BE “COOL” ON DATES

Connell, I’ve been trying to use cool lines on dates and when I approach a woman, and be all mysterious, but it seems to fall flat. Help!

—Mickey, 29, Austin

Mickey, some guys think you attract women by being chicly unengaged and mysterious. You know, “cool.” But women don’t want cool. They want real.

I’m shamelessly uncool. A total dork. I love bad movies and dad jokes. I spontaneously sing show tunes in daily life (with jazz hands). I take classes in coin magic. (Coin magic!) Hardly the hallmarks of a ladies’ man.

But when you’re uncool without apology, you’re free to be you—which is super cool. And women who like your brand of uncool will see a twin spirit, which heightens connection. “You’re so weird,” my girlfriend said on our second date. “As weird as me.” I tried being old-school cool, but the proverbial biker jacket just doesn’t fit me. The real me is a nice, nerdy redhead from the Midwest.

If you’re uncool, own it. And that makes you really cool.

On a final note, make sure you—hey, what’s that in your ear? Why, it’s a silver dollar!

TO ASSURE DATING SUCCESS, TAKE 5!

I read your book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and I love what you said about how success with women is all about your mindset and what you believe—not just what you say. Can you talk more about that?

—Russell, 45, Boston

Happy to, my man. Here are the 5 bedrock beliefs that virtually assure you dating success. If you do NOTHING ELSE besides live by these mantras, you will almost certainly transform your romantic results.

1: YOU ARE ENOUGH

When I was a junior in college, I wrote a weekly humor column for the campus newspaper. It was a popular feature, but I was painfully insecure about my writing. One day, a fan letter from a journalism professor appeared in my mailbox. “You may not know how good you are,” the professor said of my writing, before telling me about the promising career that awaited me. That letter, that sentence, was the booster shot of confidence that I badly needed.

You may not know how good YOU are. If you wonder whether or not you’re good enough to date wonderful women and get a great girlfriend, you absolutely are—in ways big and small.

Buy into this. Because when you believe it, everything shifts.

2: WHEN YOU FOCUS ON AN AMAZING OUTCOME, YOUR MIND MAKES IT HAPPEN

Accept the truth that a great partner will be in your life. It’s a done deal—it’s just a matter of when, not if. It is about focusing on what you want, rather than what you fear. Anxiety and inaction come from playing a horror movie in your mind. So play a different flick, one that shows you a compelling outcome.

I’m not talking about a ruthless fixation on success. Don’t go all “Whiplash” on yourself. Simply soak in the certitude that an incredible love life awaits. It will happen.

This is not woo-woo, “law of attraction” mumbo jumbo. It’s practical psychology. When you commit to a compelling goal, your subconscious says, “Let’s do this!” And to keep you honest, your brain does a dickishly-cool thing by making you stressed out if your actions don’t align with your goal. To avoid this pain, you act in accordance with your desires, and your mind eliminates many of the shitty thoughts and behaviors that hold you back.

Also, this kind of fierce focus helps you perform at a higher level. This is what great athletes do. In his prime, on his way to winning fifteen majors, Tiger Woods would stand on the tee and picture the blade of grass on which his ball would land some 350 yards away. By focusing on where he was going, he worried less about sand traps and lakes. This relaxed him, facilitating his best play.

See and feel your outcome—the confidence, the romantic connection—and your inner self will find a way to make it happen.

3: RITUALS EQUAL RESULTS

Love handles or washboard abs? Being dead broke or Richie Rich wealthy? Unlucky in love or honeymooning in Hawaii? Our progress in any area, or lack thereof, comes from our rituals, the actions we take consistently. Committing to daily action will propel you toward the romantic fulfillment you desire.

You can visualize and meditate and get your kumbayas out all day long, but if you don’t take consistent, ritualized action, your chance of failure is high. Vision boards and goals scribbled on paper are all dead wood without the discipline to act.

But don’t think you need to improve in leaps and bounds right away. Yes, you can have big breakthroughs, but don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement. “The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding,” James Clear writes in his book Atomic Habits, adding, “[I]f you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.”

Good looks are WAY overrated. Consistent action is WAY underrated.

Ritualize consistent action for romantic results.

4: FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR FOE

With apologies to FDR, the only thing we have to fear is ignoring fear itself. Fear can be a friend, a powerful force to harness, a call to action.

If you’re afraid to approach a woman or go for the first-date kiss, that’s fear telling you exactly what you should do. Your love life is like a boat, and fear is the ocean wind. You can use those gusts to reach your destination, or do nothing and be lost at sea. As Tony Robbins said at a seminar, “You can’t control the wind, but you can control the sails.”

If you do one scary but necessary thing every day, you’ll see incredible results faster than you ever thought possible.

5: FAILURE IS THE SECRET TO RESULTS

Thomas Edison failed to invent the lightbulb hundreds of times. Abraham Lincoln failed to win almost every election he entered, until 1860. J. K. Rowling failed to sell the first Harry Potter manuscript twenty-two times.

So-called “failure” is just part of the path to achievement. So don’t be afraid to fail big and to fail often. Then fail again and again and again…

Until you succeed.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Read his book Dating Sucks But You Don't.

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Exclusive Tips From My Book, "Dating Sucks But You Don't"

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on escaping the friend zone, the secret to flirting, and transforming your love life. Read to find out exclusive tips from my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't.

So psyched! I’ve just launched my new book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T: The Modern Guy’s Guide to Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, and Finding the Perfect Partner.

Here are three common dating problems guys have—and three practical fixes taken directly from my book!

Friend Zoned? Exclusive Tips From My Book, "Dating Sucks But You Don't."

I have first dates, but I rarely get second dates. Women put me in the Friend Zone. How do I escape?

-Cruz, Seattle, WA

I know this feeling all too well. I didn’t just live in the Friend Zone—I owned a condo there.

First, understand this myth: Women don’t put us in the friend zone. As men, we do it to ourselves by treating women like platonic pals.

One way to escape is to (proverbially!) pull your date’s pigtails.

A lot of women enjoy it when a guy teases her. It’s a playful way of saying “I like you.” Think Cary Grant in classic rom-coms such as “Bringing Up Baby.” Grant and his love interest Katharine Hepburn are mistakenly thrown in jail. “When they find out who we are, they’ll let us out,” she says. “When they find out who you are, they’ll pad the cell,” he replies.

Many girls like it when you pull their pigtails.

The trick? Tease her for silly, trivial things—nothing she would actually take personally—say, if she’s ten minutes late for your date, or if her favorite movie is “Legally Blonde.”

It’s not about “negging” her, as pickup artists teach. It’s an invitation to connect. Teasing invites your date to spar with you, and banter can send chemistry soaring.

Post Optin

Flirty Work: How to Talk to Women

What’s the right way to flirt? How do you talk to women in ways they like?

-Sean, Miami, Florida

That’s the same question my client Trevor asked me.

As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel the nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful chef he’d connected with on Bumble. She wasn’t just a beautiful brunette; she was quick and witty, matching him text for clever text.

But Trevor had been struggling with first dates. He had trouble flirting. He’d met several women recently and none of them had felt a strong connection. And on a quick pre-date phone call, Becca gave him a heads up: “With the last couple guys I met, there was no chemistry, so don’t take it personally if we don’t hit it off.”

A pre-emptive friend-zoning?

“It’s like I’m in Alcatraz,” said Trevor.

This night would be different, though, because Trevor had been honing his Man-to-Woman Communication—a turbo-charged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection.

Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish, while he was impressed by her easy confidence. He gently teased her for running a few minutes behind schedule (“You owe me a drink for every minute you were late”), and she laughed. Trevor gave her space, not leaning in too much or seeming overly eager.

And he was playful, a trait that had been lacking in her recent dates. When Becca looked at his button-down shirt, he feigned offense. “My eyes are up here,” he said. “Please stop objectifying me.” She giggled and punched his arm.

They bonded over their passions for cooking and yoga. During their second drink, Trevor took her hand and intertwined their fingers, and Becca tossed her leg over his. He moved closer and whispered in her ear: “You’re even cooler than I was hoping.”

Minutes later, they were kissing, with half the bar shooting them “get a room” glances. Before they left, she suggested their next get-together—a private couples’ massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date. Walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally escaped from Alcatraz.

When sparks fly between two people, it often seems random—something that “just happens,” like a lightning strike or winning the Powerball. But the truth is, you can learn to consistently ignite that romantic connection using what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—the breezy, flirty frequency that amplifies natural chemistry.

It’s a one-way ticket to romantic connection, as well as the lens through which you can (and should) channel all of the interactions in your love life—your texts, your approaches, and your dates.

Check out my book, Dating Sucks but You Don’t, to learn a step-by-step system to be Man-to-Woman—and start having dates like Trevor did!

If you’ve ever wondered, “How do you talk to girls and get them into you?,” my book holds the answers!

Read below for more exclusive tips from my book "Dating Sucks But You Don't"!

How to Gain Confidence and Attract a Great Girlfriend

I get rejected a lot, and it hurts. I’m lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never find a great girlfriend, and that I may end up alone. Can you give me some help?

-Chris, DC, Washington

Here’s my advice, in three simple steps.

1: Read Dating Sucks but You Don’t.

2: Follow the step-by-step missions.

3: End rejection, escape loneliness, and attract your dream girlfriend.

You see, I wrote this book EXACTLY for you.

I can solve any dating problem because I’ve HAD every dating problem. For years I felt unattractive to women. When I finally met the rare girl who wanted me, I married her—and she dumped me nine weeks later.

It was over so fast that we could have fought for custody of the wedding cake.

As I drove away from her house in my red Honda Civic—the backseat loaded with unwrapped wedding gifts to be returned for store credit—I felt rejected by an entire gender. My self-esteem was at rock bottom.

I remember the moment when I knew things had to change. It was a couple of dateless years later, and I was in a Starbucks on a Sunday afternoon when I saw a beautiful brunette in a denim miniskirt who was sitting by herself.

I felt I had to meet her, so I walked over, got within a few feet … and said nothing. I even circled her table a couple of time like a frightened shark, but a powerful inner force kept me from talking to her. I was afraid of getting shot down, and I worried that “hitting on her” would make me seem creepy.

She finished her iced coffee and left, and I told myself, “You suck. There goes yet another girl you won’t be dating.”

It was at that point that I’d had enough. I decided to embark on a quest to learn what really works with women. I hired classy dating coaches and sleazy “pickup artists.” I approached thousands of women and went on hundreds of dates.

It wasn’t easy—at first, I was rejected more than a Jehovah’s Witness. But in time I cracked the code of romantic connection. The more authentically I presented myself, the more women liked me for me.

Crazy things started happening. I began attracting models, actresses, dream-girls-next-door, and one particularly memorable cable-news “money honey,” as she described herself. (There’s just something about a woman discussing annual percentage yields, amirite?)

Instead of hearing “Let’s be friends” on dates, I began hearing “Let’s go to your place.” Once, in London, a lovely Brit I’d just met at an upscale lounge shushed mid-sentence and said, “You have ten seconds to kiss me. Nine, eight, seven…” Many women have asked me to be their boyfriend.

And if I can do it, you can, too.

This is learnable, fixable.

Because, sure, dating DOES suck for most guys, but YOU don’t.

You have a lot to offer—you just have to learn to channel your awesomeness in an authentic, powerful way that women love.

So, follow these three steps.

1: Read Dating Sucks but You Don’t.

2: Follow the step-by-step missions.

3: End rejection, escape loneliness and attract your dream girlfriend.

I can’t wait to guide you to becoming the man you want to be, and attracting the kind of woman you want to date.

No. 1 Amazon bestseller Dating Sucks but You Don’t is available wherever books are sold. To order it, or to learn how it will transform your confidence and your love life, go to DatingTransformation.com/book.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice such as how to get out of the friend zone. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

Ask a Question

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Escape The Friend Zone

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to escape the friend zone on first dates, becoming more charismatic, and dating tips for a post-pandemic world.

Escape The Friend Zone

Do I have to go for the kiss on first date? I feel stuck. On one hand, I know I need to make a move or else I’ll have to escape the friend zone. On the other, I don’t want to make a woman feel uncomfortable with a forced kiss. What do I do?

—Eric, 27, Oklahoma City

Here’s a quick story, Eric, about what NOT to do when you want to escape the friend zone. It happened to me over a decade ago, when I was going on tons of dates to try to “crack the code” of connecting with women.

Stephanie and I were walking to the subway station after a first date.

“Kiss her,” I thought as we walked to the subway station. “It’s now or never.”

When Stephanie and I stopped at a crosswalk near the end of our first date, I went for it. But she had been checking her phone, so when she looked up, my incoming lips must have seemed like a sneak attack. She recoiled, and I caught the corner of her pursed mouth.

“God, I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling clumsy and creepy.

“Umm, it’s okay,” she said, vanishing down the steps to catch her train. “G’nite.”

There was no second date.

Looking back years later, I now realize my rookie mistake. I call it the Lunge.

It happens near the end of a date. Sensing that he’s been playing it too safe, a guy feels the pressure to make a move to keep from getting friend-zoned. But he doesn’t want his date to feel uncomfortable, especially in the #MeToo era.

Finally, feeling the need to do SOMETHING, he goes for the kiss, like a quarterback heaving a desperation, fourth-down pass. Surprised, the woman either pulls back or endures an awkward lip-lock.

So you definitely don’t want to sit on your hands for a three-hour date, and then lunge at her. She won’t appreciate the courage. It will seem try-hard and uncomfortable, for both of you. And she’ll probably not want to see you again.

Instead, take the “stair-step” approach. Take small, flirtatious steps—ALWAYS noticing how she’s responding so that you can adjust accordingly. (Empathy is just plain sexy.)

If you’re on a date, greet her with a warm hug. Move on to playful taps on her arm or shoulder. Hold eye contact. Open up and connect emotionally. Notice if she’s laughing, enjoying you, and initiating touch herself. Hold her hand. Is she holding yours back and leaning in? If yes, she’s ready to kiss. Go. Now.

Save your lunges for the gym.

Post Optin

Yawn Maintenance

Maybe I’m just a boring guy, but women on my dates yawn a lot. Any suggestions on how I can keep their interest and just be more interesting and charismatic?

—Dominick, 29, Los Angeles

Your dates are yawning? Easy fix. Instead of cocktails, take her out for a couple glasses of 5-Hour Energy.

Better yet, here’s a shortcut to charisma: Get good at storytelling. You want her dropping her jaw in awe, not in boredom.

We’re ALL hardwired to love stories. A good, personal story from your life makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories—which can amplify connection. Here are three storytelling tips.

1: Use a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution

Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on many dates: “I was in study hall in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I shut my textbook, went to the nurse, and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came, instead of taking me home, they drove me to the hospital for an MRI and X-rays. I had to wear a hospital gown and everything. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]. My poor mom started to cry, not realizing the whole thing was a scam.”

2: Details!

Specifics bring a story to life, making it more vivid. Your high-school English teacher was right when she scribbled on your term paper: “Show, don’t tell!”

In my story above, it’s the specifics (the textbook, the hospital gown, my mom’s tears) that makes it so vivid—and keeps the audience’s rapt attention.

3: Tell vulnerable tales

Avoid stories meant to make you look “cool.” It’s much cooler to laugh about an embarrassing moment from your past. For example, the time you struck out and lost the game, not the time you hit the home run to win the game. Vulnerability is powerful and attractive. My “fake scoliosis” story works in part because it makes me look like a schmuck. The story impresses not by trying to make me seem cool, but by my willingness to look like an idiot—and laugh about it.

But don’t overthink it. Some of the best stories are just weird, funny incidents. Travel adventures work well. My client Craig loves telling his dates about the time his friends snuck him into Canada by rolling him inside of a carpet and putting him in the back of an SUV.

Getting Back in the Game

I haven’t dated in over a year because of the pandemic. For that matter, I’ve barely looked a person in the eye IRL. I’m probably gonna have to learn how to be with people all over again. Any help?

—James, 37, Fort Wayne, Indiana

If you feel anxious about “getting back out there” for IRL dating, remember—everyone will be nervous! In addition to dating butterflies, we’ll also have post-pandemic nerves. Remembering that we’re all in this together should relax you.

Here are some pointers to help smooth your journey from pandemic dating to a more normal world (bring it on!).

Feeling the nerves? Be vulnerable and let your date know. You might text them the day of your date, tossing in a joke to break the tension. Something like, “I’m excited (and a bit nervous) to meet up—with an actual human! I feel like I just broke up with Zoom, lol.” Vulnerability is attractive, and mentioning that you have butterflies can paradoxically reduce them, helping you feel more confident and excited.

Confidence comes in part from letting go of what you can’t control, such as a woman being into you. Turn your date into a guaranteed win. Remind yourself that it’s a huge success just to be on a real-life date after this seemingly endless pandemic. Once the date starts, you’ve succeeded—no matter how it goes. Sure, it would be great to make a romantic connection, but lower the bar for first-date success. You’ve just hit “reset” on your love life and begun getting back to normal. That’s worth celebrating.

Give yourself one or two “back-pocket” topics—things you can ask her about just in case you get stuck in your head. If you know she loves skiing or took an exotic trip, be ready to ask her about it. Having a go-to topic or two gives you a conversational safety net, relaxing you. And because you feel more confident, you may not even need to use them.

It’s fine to mention the pandemic, but don’t dwell too long on non-fun topics. It’s a date. You’re there to connect, flirt, have fun, and put your best, real self out there. A great way to discuss the pandemic is to share a cool project you pursued in your downtime. Maybe on lockdown you learned to bake, took up Spanish, or read “War & Peace." Brag a bit—and ask her how she spent her time. This lets you talk about passions, not the pandemic itself.

You may be rusty when it comes to using your voice, body language and eye contact. Get to the date venue 10 minutes early and make small talk with the staff or other patrons—this will help you get your vocal tonality synched up with your environment, whether you’re at a quiet coffee-shop or a loud club. This is important because a confident vocal tonality sends attractive messages and vibes. Notice her eye color; this assures that you make good eye contact, another appealing social cue. And since you’ve been curled up on your couch for a year, check your body language a couple times during the date. Think, “Shoulders back, spine straight, chin up.” This not only looks confident and energetic, but it feels good, too. The way you use and hold your body affects your emotions and confidence.

Want some tips on dating tips for shy guys or flirty questions to ask a girl? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and get the girl here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice such as what to say on Tinder and how to get a girlfriend. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

Ask a Question

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14 Deep Questions To Ask a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett provides deep questions to ask a girl, the secret to motivation, and the easy way to flirt with charm.

Deep Questions To Ask a Girl

I know I need to keep things light when getting to know a woman, but I also love having deeper, stimulating conversations. Is it OK to “go deep” and talk about real stuff? What are some deep questions to ask a girl?

—Carter, 40, Auburn Hills, Mich.

Early on in a recent relationship—two or three dates in—Brianna and I were sitting on her couch playing Scrabble when she asked me if I’d ever cheated on any of my exes.

“Yes,” I said. “More than I care to admit.”

Her reaction? Understandable shock at my infidelity, but she also felt something bordering on excitement. I was being so bracingly candid with her, and that part she liked.

I went on to tell her why I had been unfaithful, and how I had learned from it—and, of course, had mended my ways. (I used to be a mind-bogglingly self-interested person.) The talk brought us closer together.

Now, I’m not saying that on date no. 2, you should admit all your past sins. I just want to underscore the power of “going there” and having a deep conversation.

Yes, Carter, the overall vibe of your interactions in the courtship phase of dating should be light and fun. But you can—and should—burrow below the surface.

Real talk can create real connection. The right questions can help you both become more vulnerable and emotionally naked.

Here are 14 deep questions to ask a girl. (Heads up! Always be prepared to answer any question that you ask. And “deep” does NOT mean “depressing.” (Keep things positive!)

1: “What was the best day of your life?”

This summons good vibes, gets you both swapping stories, and makes you share a sense of gratitude. (I LOVE talking about my dad’s surprise 85^th birthday party, which I planned with my three sisters… and which my ailing mom was able to witness not long before she passed. Best. Day. Ever.)

2: Who is your hero?

Whether it’s her dad, a former college professor, or Harriet Tubman, her answer to this question will give you a deep insight into who she admires as well as who she is at her authentic core.

3: What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?

This question lets you take turns talking about being the hero in the story of your life.

4: If you could go back in time and give your younger self some advice, what would it be?

A fun time-travel thought experiment that lets you admit regret and share life lessons.

5: What’s your biggest flaw?

Don’t give the bullshit, job-interview answer here. (“I care too much.”) Keep it real, yo! It takes confidence to admit flaws, and women love confident men.

6. What do you love most about your job/career?

This question lets you both talk about work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking her, “What do you do?” And you can follow up with, “Why do you love that so much?” This helps her dig deeper.

7. What’s your hidden talent?

Can she do cartwheels? Rock the karaoke mic? Recite all the state capitals? This question allows her to show off a bit while also revealing a secret—and sharing small secrets builds trust on first dates.

8. What’s your dream travel destination?

Hey, everyone likes talking travel. It’s aspirational, and the two of you might find out you’re both just dying to see Machu Picchu, or run with the bulls in Pamplona.

9: Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?

This question caters to your date’s ego—and the actor that she chooses will clue you in on how she sees herself.

10: Who did you see for your first concert?

Music is a great first-date topic. Prepare to be impressed when she mentions Beyoncé, or playfully tease her when she admits that it was Nickelback.

11: What’s a favorite memory from childhood?

A first date once told a great story from grade-school, about the time she got dressed up as a clown for Halloween and went to school… on the wrong day! All the other kids were dressed normally, while she sat there in her red wig and clown makeup. Sharing stories from childhood offers your date a chance to be vulnerable or tell funny stories. Also, teeing your date up to tell a story lets them shine, and take center stage.

12: What do you love to do for fun?

We all love to talk about our passions and hobbies, so this question is likely to kick-start a stimulating conversation. To take it up a notch, add some cheeky confidence by saying this, with a sly grin: “What do you love to do for fun—besides go on first dates with charming, attractive men like me?”

13: Who was your first kiss?

Everyone remembers their first kiss. This question takes things in a romantic direction, but also keeps the vibe innocent. But you can spice things up by asking…

14: What’s the craziest place you’ve hooked up?

If things are going well and you’re both opening up, feel free to ask this riskier, PG-13 question, which can help spark a sexy vibe. Just be ready to answer your own question!

Now that you have a list of fun, deep questions to ask a girl. Go try them out!

Post Optin

What's My Motivation?

I know I should be out trying to date, but I just don’t feel motivated. And it’s taking a toll. I’ve gained about 20 pounds during lockdown, my social skills have all but vanished, and I’m lonely. I’d love to find a wonderful girlfriend, but I can’t get excited about dating. Can you give me some motivation?

—Gabriel, Portland, Ore.

At the end of “The Wizard Of Oz,” the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin-Man all learn that what they wanted—brains, courage, heart—was within them all along.

Motivation works the same way. No one can give it to you. You have to summon it from inside.

Here’s a great way to do that. Give yourself a clear, compelling, specific vision for your dating life that gets you excited and juiced.

I call this your Amazing Dating Outcome. When you lack this vivid vision, you lack direction and motivation, leading to loneliness and, in your case, low confidence and even weight gain.

This is the problem with New Year’s resolutions, which have an 80 percent failure rate. (Most people quit by mid-February.) You feel PUSHED by sheer willpower. But you need to be PULLED by excitement to achieve a great goal.

When you know exactly what your outcome is, even when you get off-track, you know your destination and can correct course. When a jet takes off from JFK for a coast-to-coast flight, it strays from its intended flight path much of the time, as the pilot adjusts for turbulence and other planes. But it lands at LAX right on the white stripe.

Your Amazing Dating Outcome should have three elements.

1: It’s amazing to YOU. It excites and juices you.

2: It’s measurable (examples: “two dates weekly”; “get a sweet girlfriend I love by the holidays”).

3: It’s an outcome—a place of arrival.

To turbocharge your Amazing Dating Outcome, know your WHY—the deeper reasons you want to achieve it. What will your outcome let you feel or give? How will you grow?

A strong WHY gets you in touch with your deeper purpose, fueling you to massive action. (At the same time, understand that life-changing results will take time. Your love life is like an ocean liner—there’s a lag between turning the captain’s wheel and changing course.)

Here’s an example of an Amazing Outcome from my client Brad: “To overcome approach anxiety so that I can meet women at night in the bars and also in the daytime. I would like to date around for a while and then choose a great girlfriend based on who I connect with the most. I would like to be in a relationship in six months or less.”

His WHY: “It’s about feeling more confident and attractive, knowing I didn’t settle. Also, I love being a boyfriend and having that companionship.”

Flirty Deeds

I’m single again, and I’m trying to flirt with women I talk to in my local coffee shop, but it’s not going well. I went up to one woman and said, “You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.” It didn’t work. Got any flirting advice?

—Chaz, 36, Atlanta, Ga.

Don’t call a woman a creature—unless you meet in a black lagoon and she has gills.

Here’s the thing: There’s a fine line between flirting and fawning, and it sounds like you’ve been fawning over women, not flirting with them.

But if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. That’s a big turn-off because it makes you seem “beneath” her. And no one wants to date beneath themselves.

So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal.

Here are examples of being affected by her but not fawning over her.

“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”
“That dress is very . . . wow. Anyway . . .”
[On a date, after she says something you approve of] “That makes me want to make out with you, but I’ll try to behave myself.”

To see a master flirt in action, watch clips of comedian Craig Ferguson on his old CBS talk show, “The Late Late Show.” Whenever a beautiful starlet was his guest, he always let his attraction show with humor and class, and he never fawned.

Want some tips on what to say when asking a girl out or where to go on a first date? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and get the girl here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

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Flirty Questions To Ask a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett on flirty questions to ask a girl, why rejection is no biggie, and how to get a second date.

Flirty Questions To Ask a Girl

It keeps happening. I always hear, “You’re great, but… I’m just not feeling it.” My first dates seem to go well, but it rarely leads to a second date. I think I need to be better at flirting. What are some flirty questions to ask a girl in those first few dates?

—Bradley, 41, Ottawa, Canada

The best flirting arises in the moment, but if you want a cheat sheet of pre-planned questions to help you dial up the romantic tension, here’s some help. Here are five flirty questions to ask a girl.

“What’s the sexiest place you’ve ever visited?”

Everyone likes talking travel, but some destinations are sexier than others. (There’s a big difference between Paris, France and Paris, Texas.)

Free to tack a cheeky joke onto the end of the above question: “What’s the sexiest place you’ve ever visited? I mean, since you haven’t seen my apartment yet…”

“What celebrity do you think would be best in bed?”

This gets you both thinking about S-E-X, but without you having to ask in a vulgar way.

“What’s one thing you want to ask me but are too nervous to?”

A superpower question! This gives her permission to ask you something personal or intimate, and when you’re both being more vulnerable, it can heighten romantic connection.

“How old were you when you first felt those, you know, feelings?”

It can be intimate and bonding to talk about how it felt when the hormones kicked in. Pro tip: Go first, to see how she responds. I’ve said this on a date or two: “I pretty much began puberty when watching Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. Legwarmers still drive me crazy.” By leading the conversation, you give her the green light to open up.

“What’s something exciting you’re dying to try?”

Save this question for well into the date, after you’ve both loosened up. She may hit you with a sultry answer (“I think it’s pronounced, ‘ménage-a-trois’…”). But hell, even if she says pizza-bagels, don’t worry. She’ll send the same question your way, and you say, “Do you want my G-Rated or R-rated answer?”

Post Optin

The Life-Changing Magic of Getting Rejected

Arrg! I constantly see women I want to approach, and no matter how hard I try, I can never man up. Help! How do I smash through this?

—Seth, 39, New York City

I know how it feels to want to approach a beautiful woman yet not be able to. It can feel like there’s an invisible force field that you just can’t break through.

I wrote on how to beat approach anxiety. Literally.

My new book is called Dating Sucks but You Don’t, and what “sucks” more than anything? Rejection.

Dating sucks because rejection sucks. You take a chance with your heart—you ask a girl out, you send that flirty text, you approach—and if you get turned down, you feel wounded.

But what causes the pain is not rejection itself? It’s how you interpret it. You give it a painful meaning. You turn it into evidence that you’re not attractive to the kinds of women you want to date.

You see, all men (and all people in general, really) want to feel special and important. This driving force is hardwired into our psyche. It’s why we climb mountains or pump iron. Hell, I wrote a book in part so I can tell the world, “I’m an author, bitches!” It makes me feel cooler.

One of the most powerful ways to feel special and important is through dating. Validation from the right woman can be intoxicating. It helps you realize something powerful: You are enough. And there’s nothing wrong with this.

But when you get rejected, it can make you doubt your romantic worth. You feel less special, misinterpreting that rejection as a sign that you’re unattractive. Then you extrapolate: If you’re not attractive to women, if you’re not enough, then maybe you won’t get to give or receive love, and that would lead either to loneliness or to settling—both awful outcomes.

That’s heavy stuff.

Viewing rejection through this lens turns any romantic risk into Judgment Day for your worth as a man. So you don’t take risks and approach the kinds of girls you’re drawn to, because rejection would cut deep, making you feel unattractive and less of a man.

And if you DO take a chance and, say, approach a woman you find attractive, you can’t relax and be your best self, which leads to MORE rejection. It’s a vicious downward spiral.

I want you to see rejection through new eyes.

When I take a client out for in-person wingman training, I WANT him to see me get rejected. I have him choose a scary approach situation—say, a large group of girls on the dance floor—and I go in, talking to the cutest one.

I often (but not always) get rebuffed. I do this not because I’m a masochist. My client needs to see rejection not as something to fear but as part of the dating process. It’s required.

You can’t approach women and NOT get turned down from time to time. You can’t get Tinder matches and NOT get ghosted occasionally. It’s part of putting yourself out there.

What if you saw rejection as painless? What if you were immune? What if you gave far fewer fucks? You could take new, bold actions and with lots of confidence.

I want you to see rejection for what it is: no biggie. A woman’s rejection is not—I repeat, NOT —evidence of your worth or importance. It’s merely evidence that she’s not interested. Maybe you’re very attractive but just not her type.

Rejection means next to nothing. You can brush it off, just as you do when the restaurant hostess “rejects” your request for a brunch table on a busy Sunday, or when the Delta ticket agent “rejects” your request for a business-class upgrade.

Look at dating rejection the same way. Your worth isn’t on the line. It’s not personal.

The truth is, a woman who barely knows you can’t truly reject you.

Now, if your girlfriend says, “I don’t love you, you’ve never made me orgasm, and I’m leaving you for Fabio,” okay, now THAT is rejection.

But if a woman you barely know blows you off, she may simply be saying she likes the Beatles, and you’re the Stones. No shame there. The Stones flippin’ rock!

How To Ask For a Second Date

Are there any differences in how you ask for a second date by text, as opposed to in-person?

—Cody, 33, Biloxi, Miss.

In person, you want to let your emotions inform the words you use to ask her out. With texting, you can craft the precise, flirty message you want to send.

Here are five text messages you can send after a date, ranging funny to sincere to cheeky. Each one lets you ask for a second date with charm.

“Last night was great. We should do it again. Do you have a Yelp page where I can leave you a review?”
“Did you have fun last night? Text 1 for yes, 2 for HELL yes, 3 for ‘let’s go again’ ”
“I think we both agree that this needs to happen again, right?”
“I had this CRAZY dream last night that I met a cool, awesome, sexy woman who [insert something memorable they said or did]. Date 2 next week?”
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you had a really good time last night, and you’d like to see me again.”

Want some tips on how to get more swipes on Tinder or what to say when asking a girl out? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and get the girl here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

Connell Barrett has been called one of the best dating coaches in the world. He's appeared on talk shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show. He's also been published in magazines such as O Magazine, Maxim, Cosmopolitan, and more. Connell helps men get out of the friend zone and find the women of their dreams. Ask Connell a question below.

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Learn how to approach women: Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 20 tips to confidently approach women and get dates.

How to Approach Women and Get Dates

TIP NO. 1: YES, WOMEN WANT YOU TO APPROACH

TIP NO. 2: ASSUME ATTRACTION

TIP NO. 3: EMBRACE “REJECTION”

TIP NO. 4: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN—THE UPSIDES

TIP NO. 5: THE NEW WAY TO LOOK AT “APPROACHING”

TIP NO. 6: OBEY THE RULE OF ONE IN THREE

TIP NO. 7: BE AUTHENTIC AND POLARIZING

TIP NO. 8: BEWARE OF EXCUSES

TIP NO. 9: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE

TIP NO. 10: WHAT MAKES HER FASCINATING?

TIP NO. 11: GO FOR IT!

TIP NO. 12: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN: THE ART OF OPENING

TIP NO. 13: TRY DIRECT OPENERS

TIP NO. 14: BEING DIRECT DOES NOT MEAN BE VULGAR

TIP NO. 15: BE INDIRECT

TIP NO. 16: USE THE “COMPLIMENT + QUESTION” OPENER

TIP NO. 17 SHOW CLEAR ROMANTIC INTEREST

TIP NO. 18: SHE’S TALKING TO YOU . . . NOW WHAT?

TIP NO. 19: ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTIONS

TIP NO. 20: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN? GET COACHING!

How To Talk To Girls in 23 Ways

Get this Book & Attract Your Dream Girlfriend

TIP NO. 1: SHOW CLEAR INTEREST

TIP NO. 2: BE THE BUYER, NOT THE SELLER

TIP NO. 3: SPEAK YOUR AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS… EVEN WHEN IT’S SCARY!

TIP NO. 4: TALK THE TALK

TIP NO. 5: BE PHYSICALLY EXPRESSIVE

TIP NO. 6: TEASE HER

TIP NO. 7: USE THE PUSH-PULL

TIP NO. 8: FLIRT, DON’T FAWN

TIP NO. 9: TEXT A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD A GOOD FRIEND

TIP NO. 10: ADD A DASH OF COCKINESS

TIP NO. 11: GIVE HER A DEALBREAKER

TIP NO. 12: MOVE YOUR EYES IN A “7” PATTERN

TIP NO. 13: GIVE HER A NICKNAME

TIP NO. 14: MAKE HER THE SEDUCER

TIP NO. 15: TELL PERSONAL STORIES

7 BONUS TIPS! HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS ON FIRST DATES

“What do you love most about your job/career?”

“What’s your hidden talent?”

“What’s your dream travel destination?”

“Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?”

“Who did you see for your first concert?”

“Who was your first kiss?”

“What’s the craziest place you’ve hooked up?”

BONUS TIP: GET COACHING!

Book a Free Call & Attract Amazing Women!

You May Also Like:

Nice Guys Finish First

The Power of being Radically Authentic

The 5 Steps of Radical Authenticity

Be Honest

Be Vulnerable

Take the Right Action

Be Kind

Grow and Give

NICE, NICE BABY

FROM REJECTED TO A FIRST DATE

Ask a Question

Got A Dating Problem? Need Help? Ask Me Anything!

How To Win A Girl Over On The First Date Without Being Friend Zoned

THE ART OF THE "DIRECT APPROACH"

YOUR PLACE OR MINE?

Ask a Question

Got A Dating Problem? Need Help? Ask Me Anything!

DATING APP TIPS FOR GUYS

THE WRITE STUFF

PASSION

PERSONALITY

PLAYFULNESS

YOUR SECRET WEAPON ON BUMBLE AND TINDER

APPROACH A WOMAN WITH CONFIDENCE

HOW TO BE “COOL” ON DATES

TO ASSURE DATING SUCCESS, TAKE 5!

1: YOU ARE ENOUGH

2: WHEN YOU FOCUS ON AN AMAZING OUTCOME, YOUR MIND MAKES IT HAPPEN

3: RITUALS EQUAL RESULTS

4: FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR FOE

TIP NO. 9: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE 

TIP NO. 11: GO FOR IT! 