How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

Connell Barrett answers your questions on igniting romantic chemistry, gaining confidence, and dating-app openers that women love. Learn how to get out of the friend zone.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE

Most of my first dates end with me basically hearing, “You seem nice, but I just didn’t feel the chemistry.” Any tips on how to get out of the friend zone?

–Jacob, 33, Indianapolis

Jacob, I feel your pain. Before I got good at dating, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone. When your dates go nowhere, it can hurt, making you ask, “Is it me? Am I just not attractive?”

The good news? It’s not you! You’re just missing one element: edge.

By edge, I’m referring to a sense of fun, sexiness, and excitement that women want. Nice guys like you and me need to bring a little edge to our dates to avoid being banished to the friend zone.

Take my client Trevor. He came to me to find out how to get out of the friend zone. He was getting dates with cool, cute girls, but he couldn’t get second dates.

I gave him a few strategies, and he met Becca, a gorgeous, witty brunette who’s a professional chef. Pretty much Trevor’s dream date. He added some edge, and sparks flew on their first date like it was the Fourth of July. Before the date was over, Becca was sitting on his lap, and they were making out—while half the bar gave them “get a room” glances. (Their second date? A couple’s massage that she arranged.)

How to get out of the friend zone? Add some edge to your dates. Here are five ways to do it.

BE A MAN WITH A PLAN

Banish these words from your vocabulary: “So what do you want to do?” Handle the first-date details. Take the lead and suggest an activity, time and place. And present it with confidence: “I know a great wine bar that you’re gonna love. How about [day/time.] Sound good?” Your leadership and certainty will impress her. Also, going into the date, have a second spot in mind where you can take her if you’re hitting it off—and make it easy to get to. You might say, “Let’s grab one more drink at [such-and-such place]. It’s just a quick Uber ride away. Shall we?” Women love a man with a plan.

PLAY UP YOUR PASSION

To up the “edge” factor, talk about one of your cooler passions—say, playing guitar, salsa-dancing, learning Italian, etc.

At first glance, my client Matthew, 26, is just a nice, nerdy guy. To help avoid the friend zone, on dates he talks about the screenplay he’s writing—a dark, quirky political murder thriller, similar to “House of Cards.” He’s not JUST a nice guy in women’s eyes. He’s a creative, ambitious type whose name will one day be on the big screen. Now THAT’S edge.

BE A STORYTELLER

We’re hardwired to love stories. A good personal anecdote makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories.

When story-telling, you can follow a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution. Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on dozens of dates: “I was in study hall in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I knew I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I went to the nurse and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came to get me, instead of taking me home, they took me to the hospital for X-rays. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]”

TELL HER SHE’S SEXY

When it comes to learning how to get out of the friend zone, a simplest fix is to tell your date that she’s sexy. A woman might get the “friend” vibe because the guy didn’t summon the courage to let her know he finds her attractive. If you find a woman sexy, tell her—not as a “move” but because you’re an authentic man who speaks his thoughts. It sets you apart from guys who are too afraid to say it.

Pro tip: Instead of making it about her looks, tell her a trait that you find sexy about her—say, her sense of humor or intelligence. (“Wow, you’re quick-witted, too. That’s sexy as hell.”)

Hey, women want to feel sexy and appreciated, so give them what they want.

PLAYFULLY TEASE HER

On a date, look for something nerdy or dorky about her and PLAYFULLY tease her, and see if she responds well. Just make sure it’s a topic that won’t offend her. No jokes about her appearance or her family. Be cheeky, not mean. Stick with light topics—perhaps her taste in movies or TV shows. “What? Your favorite show is Real Housewives? OK, this date is over…”) A well-timed tease is not just a show of confidence. It’s an invitation to tease you back, which can send the chemistry soaring.

THIS IS WHAT WOMEN WANT

Connell, I saw you on the “Today” Show talking about how “Radical Authenticity” is the secret to dating success. I’m lonely, and I want to find a cool girlfriend. Can you go deeper? How can I be more authentic, and how will that help my love life?

—Nick, 39, Orlando

The secret to dating success in a word: authenticity. You see, when you channel your best, most authentic—when you become what I call “Radically Authentic”—a woman feels two powerful things: attraction and trust. She’s attracted to you because it takes confidence to unapologetically be yourself, and confidence is intoxicating to women. She also can trust you because you’re being honest and real. The amount of “attraction” she feels for you is in direct proportion to how authentic you are.

Remember, the typical single woman has heard more lies and bullshit than an NYPD polygraph expert. When you’re authentic, you signal to her to that you’re that rare man who she can finally trust. And when there’s both attraction and trust, you create a real connection.

If you want confidence and a great girlfriend, authenticity is everything. It’s the hokey pokey—what it’s all about it. It’s Coca-Cola—the real thing. It’s a Tina Turner song—simply the best.

Authenticity is to your love life what the Force is to Luke Skywalker: powerful and already within you. You just have to channel it.

Here’s a real-world example of applying radical authenticity. Let’s take approaching. You’re at a bar or a coffee-shop, and you see a woman you’d love to meet. Instead of thinking, “What’s the coolest line I could use?”, instead you want to ask yourself, “What’s the most honest, genuine thing I’m feeling?” And say that to her! (While being a gentleman and never vulgar, of course.)

For example, maybe you approach and say, “Hi, I’m actually kind of shy, but I just saw you and had to meet you.” That level of vulnerability will knock a girl’s knee-socks off because it’s real, rare and a huge compliment to her. It also feels great to YOU because you don’t have to use cheesy pickup lines. You can just speak your thoughts.

That sort of vulnerability can lead to incredible connections with women. And, as a bonus, a Radically Authentic man gets to date with integrity, while having total respect for women. It’s win-win, for you and for her.

In dating, authenticity is king, connection is queen, and long may they reign.

AN OPENER SHE CAN’T REFUSE

Women rarely reply to my openers on dating apps. What’s the perfect opener to send after you match?

—Martin, 43, Denver

The perfect opener doesn’t exist, Martin. It’s a myth, like the Tooth Fairy and funny Adam Sandler movies.

If you’re hearing crickets, you may be using boring, overused openers such as “Hello,” “How’s your day?” or any variation of “Hi.” The best openers are personalized and relevant to the woman. After you match, check out her photos and bio and look for a topic she would enjoy discussing—say, her adorable French bulldog or her love of red wine. Then ask her a question or give her a compliment that relates to that topic, keeping things light: “Allison, I see that you’re a fellow pizza addict. So… deep-dish or thin-crust?”

Witty, clever openers are great, but they’re not required. Don’t try to be perfect. Just be authentic to you while keeping the conversation relevant to her.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men who helps men all over the world figure out how to get a girl. He teaches everything from how to show confidence to a woman to what to text a girl. Look for Connell's dating book coming Spring 2021. Connell's appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood, The Today Show and more.

How To Get A Girl The Right Way

If you're expecting an article on how to get a girl with pickup lines, you've come to the wrong place, my friend. Take it from me, a professional NYC dating coach, there's a better way. The best way to get a girl is to be genuine. That probably sounds pretty opposite to the advice you're used to hearing from your friends, am I right? Here's how to get a girl the right way:

1. Don’t Use Pick Up Lines

The idea behind a pick-up line is that you want a woman to notice you, but then what? What if, instead, you just gave her a genuine compliment? What if you told a joke? Being genuine goes a long way. Pick up lines aren’t genuine because they focus on one thing: getting her to notice you. After she notices you, you’re anxious because, what else do you say? What else do you have to offer? Shift your focus to making her smile by being genuine. Give her an honest compliment. If you stumble, it's okay. Be straight forward and admit you're nervous. Honesty is refreshing to women. She’ll notice the difference.

2. Be The Nice Guy

Have you ever heard that the nice guy doesn't get the girl? It's a complete myth. A "nice guy" is mistaken for being needy and clingy. Clinginess stems from a confidence issue, and has nothing to do with whether you're a nice guy or not. Women are attracted to confidence and nice guys can be as confident as the bad boys.

Be nice, genuine, vulnerable and flirty. It takes more confidence to be yourself than it does to be someone else, and women see right through it. For a person to connect with another person on a more fulfilling level, they need to expose who they are. This means you need to expose who you really are. Never underestimate the power of a man who helps old ladies cross the street, cuddles puppies, opens a car door, or walks closest to the street. Being a true gentleman is always in style, and will always lend favor with the ladies.

3. Approach

Ever hear the saying that half the battle is just showing up? This rings true for getting a girl's attention as well. Some guys get stuck. They simply stare at the woman they're interested in. Well I have news for you: If you're a distant starer, stop it. It's creepy. When you have interest in a girl, have the confidence to approach her. Don't let the fear of rejection stop you from living your best life.

4. Avoid The Dreaded Friend Zone

So many men think they aren’t attractive because they seem to always end up in the friend zone. Here’s the secret: you’re using the wrong frequency. When you speak friend-to-friend instead of man-to-woman, you’re sending mixed signals. Mixed signals generally go straight to the friend zone. Speak to her the way a man talks to woman. Keep the signals clear. Flirt, smile, make yourself and your interest in her clear. This avoids confusion and keeps things moving in the right direction.

5. Know Your Worth

Many men have come to accept the fact that they'll never get the girl because they aren't attractive enough or rich enough. This completely backwards thinking. Average guys date model-caliber women all the time. I've seen my clients accomplish this time and time again. How? By first realizing what they have to offer a woman. What do they have to bring to the table? Maybe your job is interesting, maybe you've traveled a lot, or maybe you've experienced the kind of loss someone else can relate to. Your life experiences that have made you uniquely you are the very things that will make a woman take interest in you.

6. Listen

Women like it when you listen. They like it when you ask them questions about themselves and absorb what they're saying. This may sound simple, but don't be so distracted by nerves or thinking about the next thing you're going to say that you forget to listen to what she is saying. As a good listener you can create a discussion. You can find commonalities. When a woman says, "I really enjoyed talking to you," it's because you exchanged words that weren't just surface level.

How To Get A Girl Online

Dating sites can be scary places. See a woman that blows you away but you have no idea to stand out from the hundreds of other men who are vying for her attention? The same rules apply. Just be you. Be genuine. Make her smile. Plus, being online is lower pressure—you can take your time to think of a genuine compliment to give or question to ask. Don’t be the creep that uses a pick-up line. Be the man who stands out from the crowd by giving her a sincere compliment on the color of her eyes or the way her hair looks in a messy bun. There are other things you can do to improve your chances of being noticed, like how to optimize your profile and picture on dating sites. You can read about those online dating tips here.

In today’s world of pick-up lines, unsolicited pics of you know what, hook ups, and surface level chatter, be different. Be yourself, your most authentic and vulnerable self. Embrace the unique combination that makes you who you are. Bring that to the table. Focus on connecting. Make your intentions clear. These are the things that can and do win her over and get you the girl.

Want to know about dating during a pandemic or social distance date ideas? Click here.

Connell Barrett is a professional dating coach for men. He lives in NYC but serves clients worldwide. Connell has appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood The Today Show and Good Morning LA, as well as in publications such as O Magazine, Maxim and Cosmopolitan. In addition, he’s an online dating coach who can reveal Tinder tips and tricks.

How to Show Confidence To A Woman - Ask The Dating Coach Plus: Emoji Tips & (Non-Sketchy) Pickup Lines

My clients often ask me “Why Am I So Afraid to Approach Women?” Here's a Q&A on how to show confidence to a woman and earn a date with her.

Blame your caveman brain. Here’s how to show confidence to a woman, or as I like to say, become fearless when you want to meet or continue dating a gorgeous girl.

“Connell, I have a successful business, and I’m confident in most areas. Why am I petrified to approach a pretty girl?”
~ Ken, Cleveland OH

I’ve coached some truly brave men—a veteran who saw combat in Iraq, an aerial firefighter whose DC-10 Tanker douses wildfires out west. Hero stuff. Yet when I met them, these guys couldn’t talk to a cute girl waiting for her Starbucks chai latte.

Why? Blame evolution. Some 100,000 years ago, when our ancestors lived in small groups on the savannahs of East Africa, approaching the wrong woman meant possible death, says evolutionary scientist Jeanette J. Kuhn, Ph.D, of Columbia University. “If the tribal leader thought you wanted his woman, you could get brained with a rock or be expelled from the tribe,” Behe told me. “Either way, it was a death sentence.”

Today, we basically have the same brains as early Homo Sapiens, Kuhn explained. So when you walk up to that stunner at the bar, your fight-or-flight response kicks in. Cue the sweat, racing heart and dry-mouth.

The solution? Approach anyway, and show your brain that there’s no risk. Some of my clients’ hands are shaking when they talk to that first woman of the night. An hour later, they’re laughing, flirting and setting up dates.

Ken, the anxiety you feel about approaching will subside when your brain realizes there’s nothing to fear. There are no guys with rocks—just guys with bottles of Rolling Rock who’ll watch in envy as you chat up the sexiest girls in the bar.

So, how do you show confidence to a woman? You get past initial fear and start engaging. But there's a bit more to it than that. There are cues that can put you in the friend zone so be sure to keep reading the rest of the Q&A. You can also read about 5 flirty first date questions to get you started here.

“I’m average-looking. Can I get a beautiful girlfriend?”
~ Craig, Indianapolis IN

As a fellow average-looking guy who’s never mistaken for Chris Hemsworth, I have good news. Looks, height, money—they just don’t matter.

While men are entranced by physical beauty, women (lucky for us) go deeper. They want intelligence, substance, or a good laugh.

Consider:

Pete Davidson + Ariana Grande
Jeff Magid + Emily Ratajkowski
Billy Joel + every woman he’s ever dated

Unplug from the fiction that you need to be ripped, rich and 6’4’’ to get a gorgeous girl.

Now, you can be average-looking, but you can’t be average. You must be exceptional in some way. You need swagger or wicked wit or be able play an instrument.

But even then, you don’t need moves like Mick Jagger. Aim for Mick Fleetwood. He dated Stevie Nicks in her “Rhiannon” youth.

Google mid-‘70s Stevie and ask yourself: Wouldn’t you love to love her?“

“I’m a grown-ass man. Do I have to use emojis when texting women?”
~ Marc, Beverly Hills CA

Yes, you need good emoji game, especially if you’re dating women under 30. Millennials love emojis almost as much as they love brunch and complaining 🥂🥞.

Attraction is about good emotions, and emojis make girls 😁 from👂to👂. So if you’re not using them, you’re being a 💩+👨.

(See? I called you a sh**head, but emojis made it adorable!)

Follow my 7 Emoji Rules and you’ll soon have the 🔑 to her ❤.

1: End your first text with a 😉. In real life, winking falls somewhere between creepy and restraining order, but in emoji-land it’s sweet.

2: Limit yourself to 1 or 2 per message. You want to sound like a man who’s emoji-fluent, not like a tween girl. An exception…

3: If she sends you a sexy selfie, reply with multiple 😍😍😍. A woman likes knowing her beauty is affecting you.

4: Use the Rule of Three. It’s a trusty comedy-writing tool in which the third element in a list gets a laugh because it’s surprising. Example: After your first date, text her, “Kayla, drinks were fun last night. Let’s do it again🍸👫🐸" A random frog is funny! And funny = another date.

5: Only send 🍆 as a joke. Guys get sexty way too soon, so show that you're a gentleman and that you have a sense of humor. "Allie, I’m fresh out of dick pics so 🍆 will have to do. You’re welcome." (If she replies with 👐🍑, propose immediately 💍.)

6: Use puns. Yes, they’re low-hanging 🍓🍏 in normal discourse, but puns pack a punch when paired with emojis. Don’t say “yes” when you can say “dolphin-ately! 🐬" She’ll love it. Because dolphins are adorable. And adorable = another date.

7: Break any of these rules after you two have sex for the first time, and let her know it was wonderful:”🍆 🌋 🌋🌋🌋🍑🚀🎉💫 😍😍😍!!!!!”

Happy texting! 😃📱🐸

Find more texting advice on what to text a girl here.

“I have a nice vibe with the hipster barista at my coffee shop, but it’s hard to ask her out because she’s always so busy. Advice?”
~ Curt, Pittsburgh PA

The fact that she’s up to her tattooed neck in lattes may seem like a challenge, Curt, but her hectic workplace gives you an advantage over other guys. You’re not the first customer who’s gone for her digits, but you’ll be the first who gets that she’s under the gun, what with the line of people waiting for a hot-drip injection.

A woman notices subtleties in a man’s behavior, so you’ll raise your stature by being the guy who understands that she’s swamped. After she hands you your mocha-frapp, say: “Kelly, you’re busy caffeinating Pittsburgh right now, but it would be great to talk when you have more time. How about a drink this week?”

She’ll be doubly impressed—that you took a risk, and that you have social grace. And social grace is sexy.

"My last three dates: friend zone, friend zone, friend zone. Why do women just want to be buddies with me?”
~ Anonymous

I feel your pain, Anonymous. I didn’t just live in the friend zone—I owned vast tracts of real estate there.

The thing is, women don’t banish guys to the friend zone. We send ourselves there.

Every social interaction has a “frame”—that is, all the unsaid assumptions and communications that inform the dynamic. When you’re on a date, there are two possible frames: either “friend-to-friend” or “man-to-woman.” Think of them as TV channels.

The friend-to-friend channel looks like this: You play it safe. You talk about surface topics, rather than getting personal. You barely touch her. It’s a “nice” conversation, but there’s no polarity, no sexual tension, no spark.

The man-to-woman channel? You’re expressive. You make laser eye contact. You compliment her sexiness one minute and tease her for being nerdy the next. You both share your passions, fears, aspirations. You lean in, brush her hair out of her eyes, whisper in her ear, and when the time is right, kiss.

See the difference, Anonymous? If you behave friend-to-friend with a woman, that’s how she’ll feel about you—as just a friend.

The fix is to tune to the man-to-woman channel. It starts with expressiveness. Lose the filter. You can and should be a gentleman, but speak your honest thoughts. If she looks sexy, tell her. If you like her, let her know. If she’s nerdy, tease her. Girls like when you pull their pigtails.

So grab the remote and start flipping. It’s like going from the Disney Channel to Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

“What’s the best pickup line?”
~ Chris, Chicago IL

The pickup line is a myth, Chris, like the Yeti or graduates of DeVry University.

You can’t pick a girl up with a line. But you can open a conversation in a way that creates attraction.

The best “pickup line” is whatever true thought you have the moment you walk up to her.

I learned this a decade ago on a rooftop bar in New York City. I’d been experimenting with “cool” opening lines, and nothing was working. I saw a Zooey Deschanel lookalike and, though I was nervous as hell, I decided to try something radical: being authentic.

She was sitting on a couch, and as I slid in next to her, I shared my truest feeling: “Hi. I’m actually really shy, but I had to meet you. I’m Connell.” Huge smile, her blue eyes widening. “Oh, suuure, you’re real shy. I’m Amy.” She was instantly into me.

The crazy thing is, by owning my nerves, I came across as confident. My lack of smoothness was somehow… smooth. It was like that Seinfeld episode when George attracts a beautiful blonde by doing the opposite of instincts.

Women have heard all the lines. If you parrot what some “PUA” teaches, you’ll sound like a million other guys, and you’ll water down your most attractive trait: your personality. But if you speak from your heart, you’ll be truly authentic. An original.

So if you want a line, try this: “Hi, I’m Chris, and I wanted to meet you.” Simple. Vulnerable. Powerful.

Go full Costanza. Do the opposite.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men, showing men nationwide how to show confidence to a woman through authenticity. Connell Barrett has appeared on the Today Show and in publications such as Cosmopolitan, O, Maxim, and Playboy. Chat with the NYC dating coach here.

From Dateless to Dating Coach: What I’ve Learned Working with Dozens of Dating Experts and Consultants

Just so you know, I’m not like other dating coaches and dating consultants.
First of all, unlike most other “experts,” I personally faced—and fixed—every single common problem that men have in the dating arena. Feeling beautiful women are out of your league? Check. Anxiety when you want to approach that gorgeous girl but something holds you back? Check. Stuck in the friend zone, dateless, running out of things to say, full of anxiety and doubt? Check, check and check.

Also, the typical dating expert falls in love with his or her method. I fall in love with my client’s results—getting him towering confidence and success with an amazing woman, all while being 100% authentic.

The reason I can speak with authority about other dating experts and consultants is because I’ve worked with more than a dozen of them. I spent the better half of a decade traveling the world, training with coaches and experts, as I went from shy and dateless to confident and popular with women. Along the way, I learned what works and what doesn’t—in EVERY area of dating success. You name it, I can help you fix it:

How to approach a beautiful woman in a charming way
How to pick up girls—but in an authentic way that feels smooth and natural.
How to get out of the friend zone, so that you stop hearing “let’s be friends” and start hearing “let’s go to your place.”
How to go from zero matches and dates on Tinder to as many as you could want.
How to dial-up romantic connection on first dates.
And how to do it all with authenticity, as the REAL you, and never having to be someone you’re not.

So, on my road to becoming a dating expert, here are eight things I’ve learned from my many mentors along the way.

1. BE PRESENT, NOT PERFECT

One of my biggest mentors is Owen Cook, a deep teacher and a fine coach. (If you read the book, The Game, you know him as Tyler Durden.) Cook is an innovative, influential mentor who taught me that success with women can be more than a way to get girls. It can be a powerful form of self-development.

A decade ago, Cook was the first high-profile dating guru to stop using rehearsed, “canned” routines and instead start meeting women in a vulnerable, present-to-the-moment way. When I began to learn about dating, I assumed I had to be amazingly witty, funny and charismatic to get a girl into me—hey, she wasn’t gonna date me for my great body or amazing looks. (If Ron Howard and the Heatmiser had a love child, he’d look like me.) But Cook showed me the power of presence. If you’re truly present with a woman, your brain will tell you what to say—and it will be better than any “pickup line” or canned routine that you prepared.

2. GIRLS WANT YOU TO TALK TO THEM

Back when Cook was coaching me, we were at a trendy, hotel-rooftop lounge in a New York City hotel. He pointed toward a table and told me to approach a brunette and a blonde who were sitting with a massive, muscle-bound guy. I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend with arms thicker than my thighs. But I summoned the courage, walked over and said hi. The brunette’s eyes got big and wide. She leaned in. “Oh my god! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” (I thought, “Umm, a creep who’s about to get his skinny ass kicked by your burley boyfriend?) “You’re normal!” She pointed to a man sitting at another table; he was looking in our direction. “See that guy over there? He’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” The hulking dude, by the way, was just a friend and could not have been cooler. The four of us talked for a bit, and I traded numbers with the brunette. I felt for the “staring guy” because that used to be me. He’s a good dude, I’m sure—he just couldn’t summon the will to take action, so he stared instead, paralyzed by fear and doubt. And he stayed dateless. Cook later said something that stayed with me: “Is it a little weird having to learn how to talk to girls? Yeah, it kinda is. You know what’s even weirder? Not learning how.”

3. LESS TECHNIQUE IS MORE

Most dating and “pickup” coaches teach technique, technique, technique. They’re filling your head with more information, and it’s hurting you.

As a dating coach, I can tell you that success with women is 80% psychology, 20%
technique. Heck, for some guys it’s 90/10!

Take approaching. I could give a guy the world’s greatest opening line but if he feels low, unattractive, unworthy, the “move” won’t work.

But give me a guy who’s confident, present, feeling good—and whose mind is free from too many tricks and tips? He could roll up and recite the opening-day lineup for the ’86 Mets and she’ll LOVE him. Because attraction is about energy and emotions.

Take it from a dating expert: techniques are important but way overrated.

4. SHE’S A PERSON, NOT A “TARGET”

I still hear some pickup-artist types talk about women as “targets” to be conquered.

She’s not a target. She’s a person.

At one seminar, the instructor told us in the audience that if a woman at a bar felt uncomfortable with our advances, we should use a “statement of empathy” to defuse her negative reaction. That’s treating her like a thing, not a person.

A “statement of empathy” sounds like something Ted Bundy might have used to get hitchhikers into his car.

How about being highly attuned to a woman’s feelings so that she never, ever feels uncomfortable—even for a single second?

Instead of a statement of empathy, how about, you know, actual empathy?

5. THE ENEMY IS WITHIN

Self-doubt is the villain. If you’re like most men, you feel you’re not enough to date amazing women and get your dream girl. You feel like being dateless has to do with who you are or what you look like. Not rich enough, not tall enough, not good-looking enough… not SOMETHING enough.

Self-doubt is kryptonite for your confidence. And it’s what stops you from approaching, it puts you in the friend zone, and it makes you settle for less, or for loneliness.

You must know who your enemy is, so you can defeat him.

6. THE HERO IS ALSO WITHIN

The great news? You have something inside of you that women find magnetic: your authenticity. Your mom was right: girls like you for YOU.

7. DATE WITH TOTAL INTEGRITY

I met far too many coaches who lacked integrity. So here’s what the word means to me.

Total integrity means that I like and respect women. They’re not trophies. A woman is a person of divine perfection—just like you are. And she should be treated that way, just like you should be.

Total integrity means that, unlike most dating gurus, I use my real name (Google me!).

I’m not a pickup artist who uses tricks and tactics. (I don’t look good draped in shiny medallions.) I teach cutting-edge self-development for men who want to date like gentlemen, and I’m proud of it.

Total integrity means that I’m looking out for YOU. I would never let you do anything that’s not in your best interest. I’ve got your back.

8. A DATING COACH SHOULD BE ABOUT TRANSFORMATION, NOT INFORMATION

Too many dating consultants I worked with over the years gave me information, rather than results—the transformation.

Odds are, I’m not the only dating coach you know about. From emails to Google to YouTube, there are literally hundreds of thousands of tips and techniques at your fingertips.

And that’s the problem. You’re drowning in information, and you’re starved for wisdom.

You’re starved for what works.

That’s where I come in. Wisdom brings transformation: phone numbers, dates, that life-changing girlfriend, towering confidence and knowing you’re enough.

Other coaches offer information. I offer transformation.

If you want to learn about How To Pick Up Girls—in an authentic, classy way—that’s easy. You don't have to remain dateless. Just book a free call with me, and I’ll give you a roadmap to do just that. Just click here, and let’s talk.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed NYC dating coach for men, helping dateless men around the world. He's appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show, as well as in publications such as O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and more. Book a free call with Connell by clicking here.

Dating After Divorce

Tips from a dating coach: How to be single after a long relationship and how to move on after divorce

Dating After Divorce

Here's some advice on dating after divorce.

It’s been said that divorce is like construction: It always takes longer and costs more than you predicted.

Add to that the sheer trauma of untying the knot. Take it from a dating coach who has been divorced: It’s one of the most excruciating experiences a man can endure. One client of mine compared his divorce to the death of a loved one because he not only lost a close relationship, but it also impacted his family connections in profound, painful ways.

There’s also the division of assets and property, the pain that children endure, and the intense emotional torment both sides feel. Divorce is a singularly traumatizing experience.

“It’s ripping your heart out through your wallet,” Robin Williams once said.

Dating after divorce. It sounds scary. The thought of how to move on after divorce is intimidating. But it’s a specialty of mine. I’m a dating coach, yes, but I’m also a therapist, of sorts. I’ve helped many divorced men attract amazing women, and to find the RIGHT woman to eventually settle down with.

I’ve noticed another consequence of the death of a marriage: the effects it has on a guy’s identity. After all, who a man is can be tied to who he married.

If you’re newly divorced, you may be thinking, “If I’m not a husband, then who am I?”

When you combine a loss of identity with financial and emotional trauma—not to mention loneliness—some men take drastic measures and hurt themselves. According to reseach from a University of California sociologist, men who are either divorced or separated are twice as likely to commit suicide as married men are.

Now, if you’re divorced or separated, you’ve likely had friends and family say, “Now you can get out there and date and meet someone new.”

But if you’re anything like me after my marriage ended, a little voice is whispering…

“Beautiful women don’t want some older, divorced guy.”

“I’m just not attractive—I’m past my prime.”

“I forgot how to date.”

“All these apps are so confusing. It’s overwhelming. I can’t do it.”

I totally get it. Any of those thoughts are understandable.

And they’re 100 percent WRONG.

I proved that to myself. After I got divorced, I went on a mission to learn how to attract women as my authentic self, so that I could choose my next long-term relationship, and not feel I had to settle.

And now my favorite kind of client? A guy who is single and who WANTS to mingle—but he’s battling self-doubt.

Why Is Dating After Divorce So Hard?

Dating after divorce is so difficult because not only are you dealing with feelings of pain, anger, and grief, but you are bringing different expectations of relationships to the table. You may struggle with trust, if there are kids in the mix you might worry how they may react, and your self-esteem may have taken a hit. But it is possible to learn how to start dating again and accept it as a new journey.

How To Date After Divorce As A Man

My client James, 54, came to me interested in dating after divorce. He didn’t know how to be single after a long relationship. The owner of a small consulting business in the New York City area, James was plagued by fear, frustration and doubt. He’d endured a brutal, bitter, years-long separation and divorce that damaged his relationship with his teenage daughters.

And he was rusty. When we met, James hadn’t been out on a date since the Clinton Administration.

“My divorce took three long years and it left me feeling empty,” James said. “I wanted to date again, but I just felt small and weak. Being told by your ex-wife and your daughters that you’re a terrible guy, well, it crushes you. I was not high in confidence. I tried Tinder for a while but didn’t get many matches, and when I did get a date, I didn’t know how to flirt and connect. I felt too old and ugly for the kinds of women I was attracted to.”

James and I got to work. First, we completely rebuilt his confidence—in less than a week. You see, success with women is 80 percent psychology, 20 percent technique. The best pickup line on the planet won’t work if you feel unworthy and unattractive.

Then, with his newfound confidence and self-belief, James learned my simple system for meeting and attracting women in upscale bars and lounges. We also overhauled his approach to Tinder and online-dating. He soon woke up daily with 3 to 5 new matches.

The night it all came together? It was only his second night out meeting women since the 1990s. “I was at a rooftop lounge, and I approached this beautiful, classy Latina in a red dress,” James said. “We had instant chemistry, and I knew exactly what to say and how to connect. She’s 29 and I’m 54. We were all over each other, and I thought, ‘Wow, I’m 25 years older than her! I felt so confident, attractive, and myself.”

I was with James that night, and I can tell you this: If you want to know how to move on after divorce, a great way to start is approaching a gorgeous Latina, connecting, making out with her, and setting up a date.

As I write these words, James is dating three beautiful women, including a model-turned-photographer who he met on Tinder. He said he wants to play the field before settling down with a new a girlfriend and then, when he’s ready, get remarried.

“It feels incredible having the choice and freedom to date new women, to do it as myself, and to know that I’m still attractive.” He laughed. “VERY attractive. I’m dating a model! I feel like a bad-ass alpha male. I’m a new man. I can’t believe this is my life.”

How To Be Single After A Long Relationship

Being single may feel like a curse initially. Maybe you've told yourself you're too old or there aren't enough fish in the sea because the good ones are already married. But those are just excuses and not truths. Embrace single life. See it for what it is: an amazing opportunity.

Now, not every single guy wants to date three women at once, but every single guy wants options. Whether you are just wanting to date again, or are trying to find the new woman of your dreams to settle down with, this is a new opportunity for something fantastic to enter your life.

My main message for you: YOU have options. You might not know how attractive you are. You might not know how many women would love to meet a cool, experienced man who’s lived a life, had experiences—divorce among them.

It may not feel this way now, but you can learn to attract amazing women, and you can change how you feel inside.

And take it from a fellow divorced dude: the end of your marriage was a GOOD thing. Its end has created space for something great.

You can write a new chapter. You have the skills to attract incredible women, even if you’re carrying extra pounds, or feeling like you’re past your prime.

You can move into a new prime. Your late prime.

When my wife left me, I thought I would end up alone. I’ve since gone on to date the most wonderful, beautiful women. I can connect the dots—from loading up my red Honda Civic and driving out of my ex’s life, to becoming great with women, to becoming a dating coach who helps men attract amazing women.

When James and his wife split up, he said he felt “worthless” inside. And he’s now dating three sexy, classy women—and he feels more significant as a man.

You are capable of the same kind of transformation.

Finding Happiness in Remarrying

If you want to date again, you may one day want to marry again, too. One-third of divorced men remarry, compared to just a quarter of divorced women.

If you decide down the road to tie the knot again, research shows that you’ll be happier and richer. According to the Institute of Family Studies, married men are healthier, wealthier and have better sex than most single guys.

Now, there’s no hurry. You probably won’t be swiping on Tinder the same day your divorce papers are finalized. But when you’re ready to start dating again, get excited about the prospect of finding a NEW someone to share your life with.

And remember: Those feelings of being “not enough” or “too old” are lies your mind tells you. In order to move on after divorce, you need to get this.

You are MORE than enough. In fact, divorced men have HUGE advantages in the dating game. Guys who were married are more selective, and women want to date selective men. Also, if you have kids, know that there are a lot of single women who have children of their own. Guys without kids tend to treat single moms like they’re radioactive, so these ladies are looking for good men and good fathers to bring into their lives.

And if you’d prefer to date a younger woman, know that James is 54, and he’s seeing women as young as 29.

Oh, and don’t think that being a dad makes you less desirable. I dated a girl who used to go to Central Park with her girlfriends to, in her words, “check out the DILFs.”

Some more good news, if you’re open to one day remarrying: Second marriages are 50 percent more likely to succeed than first marriages, according to the Marriage Foundation. Why? You’re older, wiser, and more experienced, so you’re more likely to make the right choice.

Start Dating

My advice: Don’t wait TOO long to start dating. There is no perfect time. As I learned first-hand, dating is part of the healing process. You can’t move past divorce until you’re moving forward—and that involves getting out and dating.

Dating after divorce. The term may fill you with dread, but it’s something to get excited about—especially if you have a great guide.

Want to talk with a dating coach to get personalized dating advice? Book a free call with me here.

Are you over 40? Here's an article on dating in your 40's as a man or even 50's.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men. Connell resides in New York City but has helped hundreds of men around the world achieve their dating potential through authenticity. He understands how hard dating after a divorce for a man is and can help. Chat with Connell here. For a recommended list of dating books for men click here. To buy Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't, click here.

TINDER CONVERSATION STARTERS - WHAT TO SAY

Take it from a dating coach: Here’s what to say on Tinder, and what not to say

Tinder gets a bad rap. “It’s just for hooking up,” I hear. “You can’t find a real relationship on an app.”

Hey, I totally get it. To be sure, Tinder has facilitated more one-night stands than Cuervo Gold. And as a dating coach, I’ve got nothing against a fun fling. (Some guys come to me having had zero dating luck, and a little casual, short-term dating can be just the thing to give a fellow a needed boost of confidence.)

But a LOT of guys—including many of my clients—have used Tinder to make deep connections with amazing women, leading to meaningful relationships, girlfriends… and several engagements.

With this swipe, I thee wed.

Of course, when guys first come to me, their Tinder game lacks much of a spark. They’re swiping until their thumbs go numb and getting poor results. They feel frustrated. They think that online dating just doesn’t work. Or worse, they incorrectly think the problem is their attractiveness as men.

But Tinder is a great way to connect with wonderful women. In fact, it’s my favorite dating app. The user base is huge—50 million members in U.S.—and Tinder logs 1 billion total swipes daily. And it’s simpler, faster and easier to use than other apps, in my opinion.

Most importantly, Tinder works—when you know what to say and how to say it.

So a lot of men ask me, “What do I say on Tinder?”

That’s an important question because there’s a LOT of competition from other guys. Only 43 percent of Tinder users are female, according to SurveyMonkey. That’s nearly a 60-40 guy-girl ratio. Not great odds.

What’s more, according to the company, women swipe-right only 14 percent of the time, compared to men, who approve of 46 percent of the profiles they see.

Something to keep in mind: The more conventionally attractive a woman is, the more she’s inundated with messages from would-be suitors. In one unscientific but telling experiment, a fake Tinder profile featuring an attractive woman’s photo received 236 unsolicited messages in one week.

And I know women on Tinder who get over 1,000 matches in a given week.

So guys struggle NOT because they’re unattractive but because, in part, the competition is intense. It’s easy to get lost in the crowd. Without knowing all the Tinder hacks, good guys get few to zero matches/dates. And they’re left feeling understandably frustrated.

In my Facebook group, How to Be Your Best Self & Get the Girl, I hear it all the time: “Tinder doesn’t work… online dating sucks… girls flake or ghost on me. I give up!”

Don’t give up!

To start seeing dating success on Tinder, a guy has to know what to say and do, and what NOT to say and do.

Now, let me stress something important. A LOT goes into Tinder success. There’s no substitute for personalized expertise. So if you’d like to have me break down your Tinder game, then you’re invited to book a FREE call with me, and we’ll talk.

In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown to help you go from Tinder frustration to Tinder domination.

WHAT TO SAY ON TINDER… AND WHAT NOT TO SAY

WHAT TO SAY ON TINDER

Catch her attention with a sincere, specific compliment, and then ask a question she hasn’t heard a million times. Again, don’t be generic. (“Hey, you seem awesome… You’re so pretty… Damn, you’re sexy.”) Instead, look at her profile and see what stands out. It can be large or small, as long as it’s specific: the photo of her at Machu Picchu; her flapper outfit on Halloween; her love for Bill Murray. A girl likes to know something about her stood out. So tell her.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

A lot of guys make the mistake of being lazy and boring with their opening message. As your personal dating coach, I hereby forbid you from writing ANY variation of “Hello,” including: “Hey!”, “How you?”, “Sup?”, “Whattup, girl?” “Heyyy!” and “How’s your day?” You’ll sound like every other guy, and you’re just wasting your valuable swipes and her valuable time. Now, when you approach a girl in the real world, a simple, “Hi there” can be a great way to start. Why? Because most men don’t approach women, so having the courage to walk over and say hello shows her that you’re confident. Unfortunately, on Tinder, it makes you seem like countless other men, and it makes you look like you put zero effort into your opener. And if you fail to stand out, she’ll swipe-left.

WHAT TO SAY ON TINDER

You want to ask her out sooner, rather than later. Most guys wait too long and come across as wishy-washy or tentative. Wait until the first conversation comes to a natural conclusion, and then suggest you take the interaction offline—to each other’s phones, or, say, to Whatsapp.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

Don’t send messages that contain egregious misspellings and typos. Women are actually very forgiving in this department, because hey—it’s texting, not your college thesis. Mistakes will happen. But if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” then YOU’RE gonna miss out on dates with intelligent, classy women. I recently checked out a client’s recent text exchanges with a girl who went quiet. She ghosted him after a string of messages that had a half-dozen typos and mistakes. No wonder she blew him off.

WHAT TO SAY ON TINDER

Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Being a truth-teller is sexy, and it’s the right thing to do. If you’re between jobs, own it. But you can still make the truth sound awesome. Mention your awesome career ambitions. A client was afraid to tell women that he’s in college. But he’s actually doing something fantastic—changing careers to become a paramedic. He’s gonna spend his life-saving people’s lives. That’s amazing, and a lot of women found that attractive. Oh, and as for your height, if you’re 5’9’’, don’t say you’re 6-feet tall. A man with the courage to be honest and vulnerable is MUCH more attractive than a guy who deceives to conceal his so-called imperfections.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

You never want to send a negative message if she goes quiet, “ghosts” you, or decides not to meet up with you. And NEVER write anything negative or disrespectful towards her. Like you, she’s just trying to make a romantic connection while navigating the often scary/confusing dating world. “Rejection” is never pleasant, but it comes with the territory. Besides, it’s really rejection because she doesn’t even know you. Just as you’re not attracted to every woman you interact with, she’s not into every guy. It’s not a value judgment about you. Go bend your bartender’s ear about it, but don’t send her 17 drunken, “butt-hurt” texts. Women are doing their best—just like we are.

But wait! There’s more! If you want to know always know what to say on Tinder, CLICK HERE, enter your email, and read my 17 Tinder tips. Check it out!

If you're ready for some one-on one-training with me, click here to schedule a free call.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men, helping guys around the world use their authenticity to find the girl of their dreams. He provides dating tips for shy guys and extroverts, and teaches men how to get out of the friend zone. Read more about how to approach women in his book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Click here to chat with Connell directly.